I probably have few undiagnosed mental illness. My family is also too poor to pay for my counseling. Most of the skills I learned, were from either internet or myself. My life is far from easy, but I know it could always be much worse.
I finally got out of bed. Beacuse of the way high-school is, I always sleep too little and mornings are hell, if one existed. I slowly moved to the window, to open up the curtains. The moon today should be full, but today it was hidden behind the clouds so I couldn't see it. I sighed. This is it. Another day and I just have to push through.
On my way to the bus station it started snowing. This isn't rare in the winter, but usually it just melts before even hitting the ground, so I decided not to give it another thought. A strong gust of wind blew right in me and my body felt as cold as ice. I stoped at the bus station and waited for the bus along with some other people, students from another school.
After few minutes the bus finally arrived and relieved me from a pice of suffering, since in the bus it was at least warm. I sat down and pulled my phone out of my school bag. I held it in my hands for few seconds, just thinking what should I do. So many things and... I notice that I forgot my earphones. Half of the options were now basically gone. I couldn't watch videos or listen to music. I decide not to do anything on the phone and instead just watch out of the window.
The memories of my mom always blaming my phone for everything crossed my mind. I wish I knew exactly what was wrong with me so that I could just say it in her face. It's not because of the phone, it's beacuse of this very real mental illness or illnesses. Then she could finally take me seriously.
The bus stopped at my stop and I with other students exited. The school was right in front of us. I walked forward as I was cursing my heavy bag in my mind.
How can a school day be good? It would literally need a miracle. And I don't believe in them. Well at least not the way other people do.
Literally the only reason I still go to school is to then get a job and pay for a therapist. And move out of parents house. Not a good reason, I know that, but good enough for me.
The lessons where as boring as always and I completely zoned out. I was thinking about life and what comes after death. I tried to stop myself from thinking such things, but my mind just wouldn't cooperate. I realized I was breathing quicker every second and I could feel the pain in my chest. I had to calm down. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath. It didn't help much, but enough that I didn't get a panick attack.
The last bell finally ringed. I stood up from my desk and putted all of my things in my bag. I walked out of the classroom, relieved that I can finally move my legs. Who ever designed school doesn't seem to care about the students. Sitting more than half of the day was pain. And then when I get home I always sit at my computer.
My management skills are really poor. I know I have stuff to do, yet I literally can't do them until the last minute. Everyone calls me lazy and unorganized and yet I can't change no matter how much I try.
I also try to do some jobs on the side. I applied for a half-time job, but they never even called me about it. So I try to get money otherwise. I sell my designs online and I also post some videos. Sometimes I also answer surveys. The money I get it's not much, merely a few dollars per month. And sometimes not even that.
Why is the world such a cruel place for poor people? They say money can't buy you happiness and by "they" I mean rich old white dudes that could stop global hunger if they wanted to, but of course they don't, or at least not enough. They are also the ones to say "Hard work pays off" as they get paid by just being alive. I am not saying they never worked or that they don't work now, but they are surely not the ones working the most.
Luck is such a weird thing. I just hate people who have lots of it, yet I love it when I am the one being lucky. I am such a hypocrite, I know that.
The bus stopped at my stop and I exited it. Now I just have to walk home.
Home, sweet home. Or something like that. My mom was still at work and my dad was on his computer. I moved my body to my room and took my bag off me. I then walked to kitchen where I cleaned my hands, and prepared myself a meal. I basically wandered around the kitchen for few minutes deciding on what to eat and at the end I just boiled some pasta and prepared some sauce on the side. When all was done I took the plate and returned to my room, opened a computer and started watching some online videos.
Life is either overwhelming or boring. Most of the time it's both at the same time. Like now. Nothing could interested me. I just closed the computer screen and lied down on my bed. I closed my eyes and started crying. I mean this won't matter after a few thousand of years. When all people are dead and all that. And when the space will stop expanding and all the energy will be converted and all of that.
I sobbed. I used to be Christian, like my parents. Believing in afterlife. I always thought I would go to heaven. And that all I did matter so much. But at the end it won't. I really need a therapist. Sadly getting one is way to expensive and even online counseling which is way cheaper is still to pricey. I asked my mom about it once and she made it crystal clear there is no way, she would pay so much.
My mom will die one day. This thought ruined the rest of my day as my mind decided to act like she just died. I was crying and sobbing for about an hour and at the end ai pulled out my jurnal and wrote in it. Why do I have to be smart enough to know there is no god? If I could choose, honestly I would rather just blindly belive in god and afterlife and all that. But once you realize the truth, there is no going back. And I hated that, with burning passion.
I wish I was born in a household of atheists, then my parents would comfort me and told me how they deal with death. But instead, if I even brought up this topic my mom would always say I just don't get it. That I wasn't looking enough. It's as if I wasn't Christian almost my whole life! I just became an atheist this year, I don't know how to deal with this feelings. I just know going to church isn't the way. I completely hate it. You have either sit or stand still the whole time, swich between those two only at right moments. My brain despises it. It always did, it just got worse the older I got.
I once stumbled upon a video of a guy with ADHD explaining how is it like to have it. And it was almost as if he was describing me. The way textbooks described ADHD was different, I could never see myself in them. I later on found it, that is because of the fact they weren't written by people with ADHD. And it made a lot of sense.
I now follow diffrent accounts that talk about ADHD and some with ADHD memes. My life seemed so much clearer. Well, that was few months ago.
Anyhow, it had gotten late so I started preparing for sleep.