I am afraid. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of what I could do if I wasn't afraid. I fear death and I fear life. I don't wanna die yet I don't wanna life forever.
Sometimes I find some disturbing things on the internet. Things at first I didn't wish to know. But now I can think about this disturbing things and my mind is occupied and so I don't overthink about how meaningless everything is.
I know sleep can help with mental help, at least a bit. Well if you don't sleep enough it can get worse, so I've been trying to go to sleep earlier. I try, I really do. It's not easy tho. It has always been a struggle. There is just so much things left to do. And tomorrow is a new day, then it will be too late.
I once watched a video about someone talking how is it like to actually open up to your therapist. It didn't turn out good for them. I still want a therapist tho. I know I would have to ve careful not to ever talk about suicide or me hurting myself, but it's not like I ever talk about those things.
I often wonder if my life would be better if I was still a Christian. I know I would be afraid of doing the wrong thing and all that, but I would think my life have meaning and that is something alright.
The thing is I can kind of already go the whole day without thinking about death if I am distracted the whole time, but when the night falls and I have to go to sleep it just comes back, creeping into my brain.
I wish I didn't struggle like I do. Having a physical disability is more visible then having a mental one. Nither is nice to have, but when you have a physical disability, it is usually seen. I am not trying to say that living either one is easier, I am just trying to say that other people may understand it better.
Sometimes I ask myself if I am faking it. Meybe I am just a drama queen who exaggerates everything. I can't know for sure. Mental illness aren't so black and white. They come in different shapes and forms, and the text book definition doesn't always describe everything a person can feel.
I hope my life will turn around and become better. I know for a fact that I thought about suicide for years now and actually almost committed it a few times. But my faith in God saved me. I was sacred of going to purgatory for the amount of years I cuted of my life. That is how my mom always told me. I hated that whoever suffered so much that they committed suicide was punished.
I don't have that fear or faith anymore. There isn't anything that could stop me from doing it next time. And that is scary. That is why I want to get better before it gets so bad that I'll actually do it.
I could go around blaming people for making my life miserable, but the thing is, my mind is the one responsible for most of my bad emotions. For the restless nights and all that. I need therapy, and I do wish it was cheaper.
Where I come from the monthly pay is about 1k euros. So paying about 200 dollars per month for online counseling is a lot and I do understand why my parents won't pay for it. Sucks to be poor ig.
One step forward, two steps back.
Two steps forward, three steps back.
Two steps forward, one step back.
Three steps forward, five steps back.
That is pretty much how I feel. When I start getting better I get shoved back. When was the last time I was actually okay? I mean mentally okay, for a longer period of time. This doesn't include normal crying or being angry. I think I was about 10? So 7 years ago.
Hah, my eyes did got filled with tears but I just blinked them away. What difference would me now crying even make?
The holidays came and went. I got a bit better when I wasn't in school, but with January it got bad again.
I wanna get better, for now. I am scared that one day I will give up. One day it will be too late.
People don't take me that seriously. They see me as annoying or cute, or both. As a person who is lazy and crazy.
For years I couldn't understand why others aren't acting as bad as I am. Why others feel okay, when I didn't. Yes, for years I had no idea how mental illness worked. That not everyone has them. Everyone has struggles, yes, but not not everyone wants to kill themselves or hurt themselves on the regular basis.
I have no motivation. Even when I shower I usually sit on the bath's floor.
I feel exhausted every day.
On the days I sleep less it's worse, for sure. But on the days I sleep enough it isn't good either.
I wish I had a therapist. Maybe that would help me. I hope it would, beacuse nothing else seems to work. And what if having a therapist doesn't help me? I rather not think about it.