As I was watching a video online, I got an idea. There should exist an online community that maybe talks about therapy and so I looked it up and found one. I joined the onlie group and well my first impression was really positive. It is a nice place. I could even get a session with a "counselor". Obviously no-one there is a licensed professional, but hey, it might be better than nothing.
And so I booked a session for a few days ahead. This gave me hope. Maybe I don't have the money to go to an actual therapy, and believe me when I say if I could, I would. I don't want to get worse than I already am, and if this just keeps my mental health from getting worse, than that's already something and at least it can make me wait until I earn enough money to get professional help.
It's hard, being a teenager, with no money, and mental illness. I know I need proper therapy. I do. I just can't get to them.
I wish my life was easier... Why is it so hard. I can't even stand anyone mentioning death. It's too much for me. I can't handle it all alone. I wish there was some help out there and maybe this is it.
One thing I am really afraid of is, what if I go to therapy, to actual therapy, and I don't get better? What if I am stuck like this forever. Why does it has to be me? WHY?
I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY IF THIS. I NEVER WANTED TO HATE MYSELF. I NEVER WANTED TO LIVE MY LIFE IN FEAR. I NEVER WANTED to be born... I never asked for any of the bad things happening to me.
I don't wanna constantly have to think about other people. Racism, homophobia, transphoia, sexism, ableisem, and what more. Why do things like that even exist? My eyes teared up and I started crying hopelessly. Why do people hate me for the things I can't change? Even my own parents are homophobic. I just.
I wish my life was easier. How many times have I thought that? Too many to count.
I took a pice of paper and decided to write down a song. When was the last time I wrote one? I can't remember. And so I wrote:
Hey.
Is it gonna be okay?
Are we gonna be okay?
Is this just a thing you say?
Ignore.
You ignored my many cries for help.
How far away?
Away from our final destination?
Is it worth the painful trip?
Cry.
Cry.
Cry.
Till your eyes are dry.
Scream.
Scream.
Scream.
Scream in to the void.
Break the fourth wall.
Release your deamons out.
Let them be free as you live your daily life.
Help.
Help.
Help.
Why am I still doing this?
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Two songs made one.
Lost.
And so I was.
Trying to find meaning in my meaningless life.
Die.
And so one I'll be dead.
The only thing that is sure.
Will you remember me?
Will you cry for me?
I don't wanna make you sad, or mad.
Help me please.
I can't do it on my own.
Hold my hand.
Don't let it go.
And so this song ends.
Did it make a difference,
or was it is just the present tense?