Do you ever fell so unmotivated, yet you still fo the things you have to?
I used to think (and sometimes I still do) that your suffering is only valid when it shows. I constantly hear about depressed people who are so unmotivated that they can't even get out of their bed and miss school.
I don't want to compare mental illness, just share my side of the story.
The truth is I rarely show that something is wrong with me. I could literally be thinking about killing myself just a secon ago or overthinking about life and death and how nothing matters, but if you start talking to me I will act like any other day. I can smile and lough. But that doesn't mean I am happy, just that I found something funny.
Smiling and making jokes is also my coping mechanism. If you make me really anxious, I will start smiling. I hate it when people then think I am okay with whatever made me anxious.
One thing I also really hate is well, people pointing out stuff about me. Like that I cried. That is why I hate going to the kitchen, since my mom always asks me why was I crying and if I don't answer she makes some assumptions that are way far off. She also likes to blame a lot on the fact that I am not a Christian anymore.
Every day I go to school, I only wish it was over. It is one of the things that keep me going.
Sometimes I actually go to bed early and then I can't fall asleep. I just overthinking everything and feel terrible.
I know I need a therapist. And I hate when people are just like, "Everyone should get a therapist" but they never address the fact that therapy is expensive as fuck. And then people wander why oh why we indulge in activities that don't help like for example I play video games a lot and watch videos online. I don't wanna sit and write in my jurnal, beacuse that will give my mind time to think and overthink.
Overthinking doesn't help. I could go through same scenario hundreds of times over but it doesn't seem any less scarier each time. I just wanna enjoy the life, but the society is built so that I can't.
Teachers expect so much from me, especially remembering things and I am terrible at that. I hate it when I can't do something simple beacuse I get overwhelmed by all the rules. This is also why I always hated PE.
I am not good at volleyball or basketball or anything like that! You don't have to say in to my face over and over again. It just makes me fell shity and wanna run away. Also running is something I am good at. You don't really have to think much, so it's easy, just move one leg forward quickly. But I also never practice running outside the school, beacuse why would I? It's not going to help me get any money and I don't like it that much. And at the end of my life, it will mean nothing. Nothing at all.
I hate that. That feeling of meaninglessness. I hate it, beacuse I fell it every day, way too often.
Have I already crossed the line from where it won't be no help for me? I don't think so. I still wanna change and I really wanna get me some money, so that I can get a therapist.
I always think to myself, life is worth it beacuse of this one thing that I like doing. But the truth is this one of the lies I tell myself. I don't actually think it's worth it. I will die in the end anyways. It won't matter then. It won't.