Finally, something slightly interesting took place on the screen. I put all my exercises on hold and placed all of my attention on what was happening to Joe Doe Nr2.
Testing the theory in regards to death resetting everything had to be postponed. The Gods did not fall for my trick and ended my life.
To avoid dying of utter boredom I decided to commentate all of the actions as if it was a soccer game. It might make me seem like a madman, talking to myself like a total loser. Rambling out loud, all alone and free-balling did seem kinda crazy. That was a price I was willing to pay, because no one was here to judge me either way.
"Such a lovely day, the sun is shining, the grass is green and it's time to finally see some action."
The weather conditions in the afterlife were just perfect. I had never seen such beautiful scenery in my life─it was to die for.
"We have come together to spectate the journey of our fan favourite. Joe Doe the Second, otherwise known as dumbass. Joe-2 was not here to play around. He meant business "
He better be full of energy, after sleeping for hours on end. If scratching his bum would be the highlight of the day I was going to riot. And pissing me off was the last thing the dude wanted to do.
"Our previous contestant chose to discard his clothes, it was a risky play; sadly, it did not pay off. This candidate follows a much more moderate approach and simply takes one step at a time."
If I was a hot chick, people would be drooling left and right. Men seem to lose their brain cells proportional to the increasing cup size. Since it was just another version of me there was no need to worry about the loss of intelligence.
Fore the foreseeable future it would remain a sausagefest.
" Striding forward our hero leaves nothing up to fate. With every muscle in his body oozing out thick killing intent, we are in for a bloody good time. Here, tonight at " Watch me die" .You better not blink or you might miss this breathtaking action."
Most of the stuff was always greatly exaggerated. Suspense, drama and tension were needed to captivate the viewer; they need to be glued in front of the screen.
Otherwise, they would lose interest and realize the uselessness of their existence with nothing to distract from it. We did want that to happen, or do we?
Only an ignorant viewer was a good viewer.
" Will he succeed where his predecessor failed... or will the nuts bring his demise as well? The devilish Deez nuts are a fearsome foe, but I believe he has it in him to die another stupid way."
I had faith in myself; I believed that he would die an even more stupid death. After all, I knew myself better than anyone else. If there was one man for the job it was this one currently walking down the road he came from.
Joe-2 was sure to leave me even more disappointed than I already had been.
"Feast your eyes at all of these amazing trees and flowers that look the same as the last time we save them. There are so many of those absolutely identical-looking things it is absolutely insane. "
Did they run out of budget? It was a bit off-putting to see the same trees and flowers copy-pasted all over the place. Regardless of where you looked, these textures were recycled over and over again.
This was the afterlife, the thing every life inadvertently lead to... should the presentation not be a tad bit better? Cheapening out on something so important seemed rather careless and idiotic.
In fact, it was such a level of stupid, it could have been done by me. Yes, I was allowed to judge others, because of my experience in the way of stupidity. The clothes, the nuts, must I say more?
My entire life I've been taught and trained to become an expert in this subject. You would not find anyone more familiar with the finer nuances of lacking brain cells than me. I was THE poster child of dumb decision-making.
" The road forward is long and tedious, but should he stray from it only dead vegetation awaits him? What will our man of the hour do?"
The most logical course of action would be to climb a tree and scout the area. However, I do not trust myself to have that kind of thought process. Placing any trust into the same brain that made me strip would not be doing me any favours.
The more I look at my clothed copy, the less I understood. Randomly stopping in his tracks, looking around in sheer panic as if our past had finally caught up to him; only to then start screaming and sprinting down the path where he came from.
My sorry ass looked so paranoid from the outside. With the speed he was running at, some might assume he just heard the news about his one-night-stand being pregnant.
The scream of pure distress sounded a little bit squeamish and high-pitched as if he was possessed by a white woman in a horror movie.
All jokes aside, even for me that is not something I would do without a valid reason. The panicked expression could be faked, but not the running away part. I would have never done that out of my own free will.
It just felt off, this behaviour felt too real and genuine. There had to be more to it.
I did not know what caused this kind of feeling, but most certainly he must have had a good reason to react the way that he did. Hearing the fast and hurried impact from his feet echoing through the small forest was really creepy.
What was he running from? I've been here since the dude scratched his ass mid-sleep and I did not spot a single thing other than the trees and flowers. The vengeful spirits of stepped on tree branches must be seeking revenge for the terrible things my sneakers had done to them.
I wanted to enjoy the current tension as much as the next guy, but I clearly remembered that I was the only one, who had managed to die in there.
At most, he was either tripping his balls off or hallucinating for whatever reason. Unfortunately, no bloodthirsty monster or killer was hunting the unsuspecting Joe-2.
Meaning, I had to postpone the celebration of his passing for an undetermined period of time.
As fun as the current situation might be, it did not improve my odds of obtaining clothes. He would just keep on running and tire himself out doing so. Only to then sit down and fall asleep.
Just at that moment, Joe-2 turned around, panic in his eyes, not realizing that a small branch waited in ambush before him. And in a twist, that even fate itself would call corny, he lost his balance as his foot stepped on it at an awkward angle.
In what can only be described as comical fashion, his arms began to sway around and he fell backwards like an unattended sack of potatoes.
In this bad act of poetry in motion, his head made contact with the ground producing a rather satisfying crunchy sound. Time stood seemingly still as I failed to comprehend the events that had just unfolded in front of my eyes.
A small puddle of blood formed beneath his head, dyeing the gravel crimson red. My other self did not move...leaving me highly confused.
Was that really all it took? Did the stars align or was someone just toying with my hope and feelings? It just seemed too good to be true.
Where was the catch?
Would the corpse turn into a zombie and be forced to walk through the afterlife for all eternity? Would he just stand up and realize that he was now invincible? Would fate kick me in the balls─to make things more interesting?
I was not even pessimistic; this was not about a glass being half-full or half empty. All I saw were broken shards where the glass used to be. Expecting the worst made me a realist.
The longer Joe-2 remained in that motionless state the more concerned I got. Not having a say in this matter really did suck major balls.
However, the arrival of a certain annoyed, blind man on the screen gave me a slight glimmer of hope. The pure look of confusion on his face spoke volumes about the event. Lady Luck had been on my side.
Fuck yeah, I did not hold the title of most stupid death any longer.
That title would go to my other self that managed to stumble over a twig. No questions asked, it was the more humiliating way to die. Look, I did my thing on purpose; I did not perish running away from my hallucinations.
Of course, grandpa there was tired of dealing with my shit and dragged the corpse by his feet. A small portal opened close to him and he yoinked the body into it.
In response, it shot out the corresponding gate in this space. It came out like a newborn from its mother's womb, just with a lot more speed─a lot more speed.
His body was like a fleshy version of a shooting star, but this time the wish would come true.
Okay, enough of the weird analogies. I just want something to cover my junk with. No more playing nice guy, I ain't here to make any friends. All my time in the after-after-afterlife I had been training for this very moment.
Which was admittedly very short, but it was the thought that counted. My legs, as fast as they could, carried me toward my dreams and innermost desire.
I would do everything for world peace. Since this world here revolved around me, I should only do what makes me the happiest. That was to beat my other self up and release some of the pent-up stress.
Yes, I know, I know.... the crazy naked dude was too stupid to think of anything new to say. For real, nothing against my other copy, yet the two of us could and should not exist under one heaven. I knew myself best and there was no one that pissed me more off than myself.
Was there even another choice than to let the fists do the talking? We could talk about what motivated us and share our secret desires or discuss our daily beauty routine.
For fucks sake, it's another copy of me, how was there anything I did not know about myself?
Should I be asking twig-bro for life advice? Gimme a break. I think I have suffered enough by now, there was no need to add more trauma to my already broken mind.
Although I had to admit watching the corpse bouncing continuously after hitting the ground made me glad that he was currently wearing clothes. I had no interest in seeing the flopping private parts.
If he had not been dead before, now he was most certainly.
Yet, Joe-2 stood without any problem and dusted off his clothes. He turned around and gave me a knowing gaze. Instinctively we both knew that there was only one way this could end...
....he gulped, I gulped...
And then that bastard started running.