After being all over the place in the most literal sense of the words, I began to slowly regain my consciousness. The vision in my eyes was fuzzy and my legs were wobbly, all the while a splitting headache attacked me.
I had learned a valuable lesson. This dirt was like candy, tasty but too much was not good for your health.
Though dirt neither brought toothache nor Diabetes, the only slide side effect was being blown into a million little pieces─a negligible fact for most immortal people. See, was I not one piece again?
Taking a look at my surroundings confirmed the explosiveness of my eating frenzy. I had left a trail of destruction throughout the entire ground and was now trapped in a deep hole of my own making.
It was no wonder that my body went poof since so much dirt could never be contained in a single body. What did we learn kids? Do not sprinkle so much crack into your food. Otherwise, ya might turn into a nude suicide bomber.
Your penis, regardless of size, was not intended to be used as a projectile. As appealing as being dickslapped at a high velocity may sound to some, it was not worth it.
After all, normally dicks were none renewable. While it might not apply to me, I still had qualms about utilizing my manhood as a self-made projectile.
Even all the great puns that could be made were not worth the trouble. Preparing the "ammunition" would be too painful and tedious. How would you even be able to cut your best thing off? You had to be a special kind of savage to do that to yourself and to your enemies.
Maybe I should give it a shot...
Putting my strange taste in weaponry aside, I needed to get out of this hole. Said hole was wide enough for me to take 3 large steps in either direction. Surrounded by a large layer of tasty earth, I needed to find my way to the surface again.
Easier said than done being 6 feet deep. Eating my way upwards did not make a lot of sense. I preferred to keep my organs on the inside of my body.
Digging my way to the surface was also a big fat NO, my sanity could not bear another trip down this traumatizing rabbit hole. Any hole might be a goal for a lonely man, but I ain't sticking my dick inside of that for a second time.
There was only one feasible option to get out of this. Channelling my inner monkey I decided to climb upwards. My fingers bore deep into the soil and I used them as leverage to ascend the dirt wall.
For whatever reason, it was incredibly easy to go up like this. My body made its way to the top without any problems. After my involuntarily "diet," I had lost more than a few kilos.
As light as feather, or an anorexic model, I managed to get out of this pit with utter ease.
Well, that was surprisingly uneventful. I had expected to fall down a few times and break a bone and a neck or two. A few more deaths were not exactly uncommon at this point in time.
The green landscape still invoked a slight feeling of anger in me, but it was much more preferable to the brown dirt. In the near future, I would still prefer to avoid any activities related to grass or digging.
It was time to meet up with Joe-2 and learn what I had missed out on. Looking at the gigantic picture plastered in the sky I noticed a subtle difference.
A bluescreen had replaced the sight of Joe-3. [We're experiencing Technical Difficulties - Please Stand By] was written in bright yellow letters across it.
What kind of stupid shit had the stone-seeking slut done now? How in the world did he cause technical difficulties? I was quite amazed that such a feat had been possible in the first place. However, I knew that, as in tradition, something profoundly stupid had caused it.
Regardless of what Joe-3 did to this poor gravel, it should not have resulted in the killing of the entire system. I highly doubt the afterlife would run out of RAM any time soon.
That was as long as it had not been coded by an intern on his fourth sleepless night in a row... yet it might as well has been. Since I have already done the impossible by dying there─twice─who was to say that my third version could not do it again?
In the right corner of my eyes, I spotted another addition, which seemed more than a little distasteful. In bright neon pink, they erected a sign that stated "[Deathcounter: 4]"
Because, apparently, people had forgotten how to count. I alone had died 4 times already. 2x times because of nuts, once because I broke my neck and the recent eating frenzy caused my demise as well. Furthermore, Joe-2 died two times as well.
Clearly, they were unable to even use their fingers to do basic math.
Unsurprisingly, it would be me that was wrong with that statement. I returned back to the spot where I had left Joe-2 behind only to find 3 people there. To my surprise, 2 copies of mine were clothed while one was stark naked and not moving.
These 2 Joes had the time of their life as they were going to town on the poor buttcheeks of the motionless version of me. They were literally eating his ass as if it was fine cuisine.
Noticing my arrival the two of them stopped for a moment and waved at me to come closer. I did not want to disturb this wonderful dinner, but I needed answers.
The Joe to my left pointed at the other one and spoke up with a cheerful voice.
" This is my friend, 'The Heart of stone'-Joe. He is the one that followed after my rather stupid death. Can you imagine he even got a title, it's the first I have seen something like this. I bet he is one strong motherfucker. If I was a girl I would have done him. Unless..."
Can't he just shut the fuck up for a second? Talking was nice and fun, but FFS we have eternity awaiting us, so stop bombarding me with sentences.
Otherwise, it's gonna go in one ear and go straight out of the other.
To sum up, Joe-2 and Joe-3 were alive and kicking. Still, why was Joe-4 lying there happily being eaten? There was no way in hell that any copy of me would allow that to happen.
Yet, before I could ask a question Joe continued to hold his monologue.
" Damn Bro-Joe, where have ya been my dude? You missed out on a cursing, old-as-shit grandpa appearing. He came in like 'Woosh'; out of thin air dude suddenly materialized, being all grumpy and shit. Afterwards, he dumped The Heart of stone'-Joe in front of me. "
Did he seriously just call me Bro-Joe? The fuck was that for a nickname? Did he want to get his dick twisted, because that was how you get your dick twisted?
His hands moved up and down to support each point he was trying to make. It felt more like he was a mime. He was not very believable, his impression of the blind bastard was spot on though.
Besides, his naming sense was even more messed up. Was the brain damage he suffered permanent? That must have been the reason why he was able to mimic the annoyed, blind fogey so god damn well.
I opened my mouth in an attempt to say something but fast-mouthed Joe-2 already had started another round of his narration.
"Boi, you should've seen his face, when that loud-ass explosion of yours caused this entire place to shake like jello. He began to curse without any filter, kinda cringe not gonna lie. Anyways, here is the kicker."
A suspenseful pause later, I was silently begging for my other version to just shut the fuck up.
" Ay, gimme a drum roll pls," Joe-2 said, not knowing how much it was pissing me off. Joe-3 too dumb to read the room began to make the sound of a drumroll with his mouth.
I had to suppress my urge to kill them on the spot.
" When it was time for the newest Joe to appear, he just died on the spot. I heard instead of a brain, there was only dirt in his head. That fucker really came brain-dead into the afterlife."
Whoops, my bad I guess?
"So, upon seeing that blind grandpa runs off and stops the entire thing. Right now he is still fixing the mess that came up. Anyways, ain't that crazy? So much shit went down while you were gone."
Okay, it was my bad. How could I have known that it ends like this? Cannibalism of my own buttcheeks was not something I had considered in my wildest dreams. Correction, it was not something I would have done on my own free will.
How ethical the whole eating of your vegetative, brain-dead copy was, was up to debate. My uneducated opinion on this matter─not very ethical.
For now, I just wanted to eat something that would not cause me to explode.
If that meant eating ass, then so be it. Maybe in the future, I would find a crazy chick to do it together with. After all, a meal is best shared with the ones you love. I was such a hopeless romantic.
Luckily the food shortage had been solved through rather unconventional means. Should my food source not suddenly begin to talk out of his ass, then all was good.
In the end, everything worked out in my favour. Truly a weird feeling, that nothing came back to bite me in the...ass. Yup, making puns felt great again.
Life was good.
Although Joe-3, the dude with a boner for stones, did not know just how unlucky he got with his arrival here. Water needed to be found and he was the only one fit for the job. Else I would have to go on a dirt-eating frenzy again.
What would the old grandpa do if a certain someone, not me, would pull this kind of stunt again? Maybe this way we could generate an infinite food source.
However, bugs and glitches always were patched out in the blink of an eye. Before you know it, people got permabanned left and right for exploiting the in-game mechanics. Some might think that the afterlife was not a game... and they were probably right.
Even most mobile games had a better code than this. How else could a reasonable person like me die in the supposedly fool-proof afterlife?
Did they not run a playtest or something? It did not deserve any more than a 1-star rating. How in the hell did three of us manage to die in there?
Giving Joe-3 a questioning glance, I thought about how I should ask him that rather insensitive question.
Though Joe-3, as if he could read my thoughts, simply gave me the reason.
"I got hungry and ate a lot of gravel, it was really tasty. Then came death, the end. "
Ya can't fix stupid. It was inevitable for him to become part of the brotherhood of stupid deaths in the afterlife. I gave him a pat on a back and a good and heartfelt speech.
"Welcome aboard mate. Enjoy your stay in this strange place."
Had I just known, how weird it would get I would have just stayed in my little dirt hole...