That bastard turned tail and ran as if his life depended on it. What a prude, he had seen himself naked countless times, but now apparently it was something that caused him to flee in terror.
Maybe we have started off on the wrong foot here. Getting chased by a naked version of yourself might have left a difficult first impression. However, I was more than certain that these misunderstandings would be solved once I finally catch him.
I had to make sure that Joe-2 was quick to learn what role he played here. A walking cloth donor and a resistant stress toy─oh and of course, the dumber one between the two of us.
At least, I in my lack of infinite wisdom did not stumble over a dead tree branch of all things.
This feeling of chasing my prey down made me feel like a killer in one of those bootleg horror movies. Without a disturbing musical theme playing, it felt more like a random hillbilly chasing after alcohol.
Instead of the famous slow-walking beast in human flesh, most people would focus on the movement of my "thing" as it could not decide in which direction to go.
Who cared about the bigger picture when testicles were involved?
I swear I could become a cannibal─ devouring, skinning my other self and wearing his face as a mask. Afterwards, I would write a cooking book on how to best prepare human meat.
But most people would rave about having to see male genitalia.
Too many humans formed their opinions based on what suited their worldview. Yet, most of them would prolly bet their left nut that they were critical thinkers.
Not trying to pretend that I was better or anything, I simply wanted to establish a religion based on how truly awesome I was. As I was saying, people miss out on much if they focus on the small things in life.
Did I just indirectly call my penis small? Forget what I said.
What I had been trying to say was, if people focus on my enormous fleshy penis, they would not see all the things that surround it. Yup, much better.
How could I connect that positive thought, with me running after my other self like a crazed madman? With a joke, duh! ITt should be more than easy... If I was a cannibal should Joe-2 be fast food?
After making a joke like that, I stopped in my tracks and facepalmed as hard as I could. What kind of devil possessed me to do something so horrible? I need an exorcism to prevent this stuff from happening ever again.
The world would have been better off If I had just kept my damn mouth shut. I should have just used those three brain cells of mine.
I gave a long and disheartened sigh.
Apparently, my brain excelled in finding ways to disappoint me. It was amazingly depressing to be punished for expecting something of yourself.
But I had the chance of the afterlife time right in front of me, I could literally beat myself up for all the regrets I ever had. Focussing on the positive aspects was a good method to cure this negativity. Violence was not the answer, it was the solution.
All that was left, was to finally catch my fast-as-fuckboi copy. Yet, just like my dignity, he was nowhere to be found. Somewhere in these [Endless Grasslands] he was hiding and waiting....waiting for my fists to hit his face.
"Dear Joe, rest assured I will be gentle." I made sure that my voice sounded as normal as possible. Scaring away my other self was by no means my intention. After all, was I not the most trustworthy kind of guy?
"Come to Daddy." Cracking my fingers, I gestured for him to come to me. There was no deeper meaning to it, this sounded like great fun─and I always wanted to know how it feels to be cat-called.
I might need to become a gynaecologist because I have to find that pussy.
What happened to act like a man? I have been a nice guy here, at least, I did not have a raging erection while I ran at him. I was well-mannered, but how could my brother avoid the love I wanted to give to him? His survival instinct deeply hurt my feelings.
I had not done anything to him...yet. That sounded harsher than intended, I just wanted to play a game with him—a bit of hide and murder.
A gently scream left my mouth. "Let us talk my child; I come in peace." After all, it was the same kind of peace that every alien invasion ever brought with it.
We had all the time in the world, sooner or later we would meet either way. Joe-2 could run as far as he wanted there was no escape from fate. His ass would be mine... this could have been phrased a little better.
To my surprise, the other Joe appeared directly in front of me. Well, and he was kinda lacking the clothing I had hunted him for. The sight of another naked me was not that disturbing, but it raised a more concerning question. What did that idiot do with the clothes?
"My inner demon, I shall defeat you and wake up changed man" This declaration of war was accompanied by him yelling like a maniac and charging at me.
Had he hit his head too hard? Was it an unwritten law that every version around me had to run around naked? If so I did not get the memo.
Normally, you were not supposed to follow my bad example. Alas here we fucking were, I had become a trendsetter of the free dangling kind. I was the role model for every dude with a large pecker or any girl with a large one─we do not discriminate here.
The Church of Girth does not care about sex or gender; size was all that mattered.
Our credo reflected this sentiment well. " You better be packing, or you'll be packing your things and go." My naming sense was still in need of much work. 'Church of Girth' did seem like a slight improvement though.
Even though my other self ran at me with all his might, I was confident that my 1-day training here would make the difference in our fight. As a gentleman I shall only beat him half to death.
He still needed a working tongue to tell me where he left his clothes.
However as the saying goes, everyone had a plan until they are punched in the face. My idea met reality with a right straight to my face.
That fucker smiled with glee after fracturing the nose of his 'inner demon'. Seeing that shit-eating grin forming on his face, I knew that peace would never be an option again.
"Sweet, even my strength increases doing this. Soon I will have my own harem." Nonetheless, I only faintly heard the stupid stuff that the delusional copy was spewing. Frankly, I was seeing fucking red.
His next strike came directly at my face, but I just grabbed his hand and hold him in place. With a smile of my own, I pulled him closer to me and used my head to return the favour to that nose of his.
A second loud crack echoed through the vicinity and crimson red blood started to give the green [Endless Grasslands] a new shade. The tone was quite to my liking, it gave off the whole scene a much-needed colour change.
My other self gave me a look as if I had done his mother, I mean our mother, and with a fury of a thousand motherfucks he began to throw another punch at me.
First of all, that strike lacked any form, second doing my Mother was the job of my father. Last but not least, I had way more anger burning inside of me. So yun dun goofed now.
Before he could realize the mistake he had just made, my fists started to introduce themselves to his teeth. They had a lengthy discussion and some of them were even convinced to leave. For good measure, my fists made a field trip to the bridge of his nose as well.
" Laugh, my dear friend. Laughing is very healthy for you because it increases your blood flow."
Did heartfelt advice like this not hit differently, when you know that the other person cared for you? I hope I was not beating him to the punch here, after all, it was just a slight jab at his personality.
Everyone who has claimed that beating yourself up over something was not right had never done something like this right here.
I was finally at peace. Much like yin and yang came together, I became one with nature and found inner stability. Nothing could get me angry anymore; except for maybe the fact that I was still not having any fucking clothes.
I made not sure to beat around the bush too much, and no, I did not mean the hairy downstairs. I would not stoop so low.
Alas, my other self did not have that kind of honour and suddenly gave me the good ol' dicktwist. I wish there was a fitting comparison to put the pain I felt at that moment into words.
My eyes went fuzzy and I had to vomit. I had forgotten about clothes and other fancy things. A wave of dizziness washed over me and my consciousness began to slowly fade. However something kept me from blacking out, it was some sort of primal rage I had never felt before.
This despicable act flipped a switch in my brain, which should have never been flipped.
Adrenaline flooded my veins and I jabbed both of my thumbs into his squishy eyes. They went in without much resistance. It was way easier than I had expected, but his screams confirmed that it was working nicely.
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A DICK TO MY DICK?" I screamed at him full of fury, because that son of a bitch, still 'massaged' my best piece as if he was trying to make a knot in it.
Was he trying to turn my thing into a fucking pretzel?
In return, I applied even more pressure on his eyes. Blood slowly trickled out of his orifices; by now he should have realized that it was useless to hang on to my groin as if his life depended on it.
However, my formerly clothed copy did not know when to call it quits and continued to do unspeakable things to my manhood.
I continued to sink my fingers deeper and deeper into his squishy eyes, until he, finally, let go. Why did it have to end like this? Was it worth it to grab my junk? Yet, for the state of the injuries, Joe-2 was in, he seemed awfully quiet.
But yet as fate may have it, my rest was cut short as he shot up like a demon and attacked me again. Death really liked to screw me over. We went in for another battle to the death... only to be interrupted by an even more worrying sight.
[Joe-3 has been created and starts his journey]
Both of us loudly exclaimed one single word.
"FUCK"