However, the passing of time was ever so slow and Joe-3 was still trying his best to reach the core of the Earth. I wished I had something interesting to tell about this whole ordeal, but it was as boring as it sounds.
There was one dude, who was moving gravel from one place to another, a second dude that watched said dude moving stones, and a third dude, me, that just worked out. That was the whole story.
Making something like this sound interesting was beyond my capabilities.
I was better off keeping my thoughts related to matters that I actually could influence and understand. Since there was nothing I could do I decided to leave the two alone in their distant relationship and fulfil my needs.
Yup, right now I really needed to take a dump. I had tried my best to keep it in, yet in the end, I could not hold it any longer.
After walking a few minutes away, from dicktwist-Joe I dug a small hole with my bare hands. The depth seemed "good" enough for my endeavour. Meaning, I squatted down and all hell broke loose.
Never in my life, the afterlife, the after-afterlife, the after-after-afterlife had I seen that much matter come out of such a small opening. It was like an endless brown torrent, threatening to drown everything in its rancid path.
The chocolate river did not stop at filling the small hole I had dug and spread across the green grass. I wondered why I was describing all of this happening...
Sadly, I still could not run away in sheer terror as the whole shitshow had yet to come to an end.
A fragrance of death and decay entered my nose and I just wanted to burn this entire place to the ground and never come back here ever again. My body had just created a chemical weapon capable of destroying a continent or two.
But, of course, it was not my concern. I was simply staring into the horizon, hoping and praying, that this would all be over soon. FIVE painfully long minutes later it was finally done.
I did not know the exact time which had passed... but I did count every painful second right until it hit the five minute mark. In my deeply disturbed mind, this was the only thing I could do.
Putting my exaggerations aside for a moment─ at this moment, I was really missing the comfort that modern toilets brought with them. All of the problems could have been easily flushed away instead of turning into a biological weapon.
If I ever wanted to murder another copy of mine, I now had the right tools at my disposal. What a shitty way to die. Though I would not stoop so low as to use my faeces as a weapon, for now.
On a slightly more amusing note, my strength had been raised by this "workout" here. The notification of [Strengh raised by 0.0000001] left me quite confused as it had been deemed of equal worth as 50 push-ups.
Maybe my sphincter was a far more efficient way to raise my stats than I had initially expected.
The only downside to this kind of training laid in the stuff that it left behind. I did not wish to see the [Endless Grassslands] covered in an endless wave of shit. Seriously where was an omnipotent grandpa when you need him?
All I could do was dig up more and more grass and cover the brown puddle until it could not be seen anymore.
Note to self: walk away further to avoid contamination through excrements, and/or find a better method to deal with the issue at hand.
Further options could be thought of while choking the rabbit. Not the kind of rabbit, which creepy uncles offer to kids, just another way of saying jerking off. Spanking the monkey was a good strategy to ponder on life's complicated circumstances.
It had helped me my entire life...
I had no idea why cranking it made me so creative, but somehow it just came to be. I always got the best results when I "guided" all the stress and frustration in a more sensible direction.
Learning successfully with others present was something I never found success in─for obvious reasons. Meeting in the library was even worse since my research needed a bit of "research". Do not even get me started on group work, times were 'hard' back then.
Nowadays the number of random boners had luckily dwindled. They mostly popped up at the worst moment. That reminded me about the stiffy I had at my grandma's wake. My brother dubbed it mourning wood, I dubbed it the reason why I did 50 squats during the open-casket funeral.
The looks I got were priceless. Though I wonder what kind of gaze they would have given me if I were pitching a tent while hugging her for a final time.
"Give grandma some love", my mother's words would have taken on a way different meaning...
Speaking of dead people did my third self finally find a stupid way to die? In the distance, I still saw him removing the gravel from the road. Therefore the answer was not yet. With such a level of dedication; the old man would surely appear and kill him.
Else he would prolly just succumb to dehydration or die due to sheer exhaustion. Hmm, that would be too ordinary of a death. It was too early for things to go boring over there.
Okay, this should be enough distance away from my business. It was time to enter my "thinking state" The lack of clothing was quite helpful for this sort of activity. Aight, let us get started, shall we?
"As of now, we have two, no, three problems to take care of. First of all, we have to differentiate between the different versions of me. If by chance there is a horde of nude Joe Doe running around in the near future I would like to know who is who."
Speaking out loud to myself was certainly the most "normal" of the two things I was doing at this very moment. One hand was shaking it, while the other moved up and down as if it tried to make a point.
What a weird sight this must be. Aight, let's get back to the topic at hand.
"A permanent solution to this subject needed to fulfil 2 different conditions. One it needed to be distinctive and second of all, it needed to be something you can do here in this place with these limited resources."
Taking a look at my fingers nails I got an idea, I could simply could carve a number into my skin. If I wanted to undo this kind of marking I only had to lose my life. The first issue had been solved easily.
The second issue would prove as more of a problem.
"Good, how do we get rid of the huge pile of shit, which would sooner or later pile up with all the hillbillies running amok?"
I doubt the medieval approach of dumping it out of your window worked all too well here. Nor would digging a huge hole help... or could it? After all, we had a digging enthusiast in the making coming to us soon.
"Damn, that was easy." I had not even finished my forearm exercise and already solved all the issues at hand. Beating my meat had once more saved the day.
Time to wrap things up here and let my soldier rest after a job well done. My crescendo of white gifted yet another colour to this world of green, brown, and red. Shortly the colour yellow would follow because I really had to take a leak.
The thought of what in God's name I was doing here had crossed my mind a few times... as per usual. it had been as quickly forgotten as it came.
My brain valued its blissful ignorance and chose to blend out all unnecessary information. Trying to understand all the madness and strange things happening here would leave me behind as nothing more than a salivating mess.
Maybe all of these jokes and wordplay about sexual innuendos were merely a poor tool to mask my deep-rooted insecurities of never being good enough. My entire character might be fake...
A cheerful laugh left my mouth, I seriously was not a good actor.
I made all these rancid jokes because my mind had been in the gutter for many years now. There was nothing like a hidden agenda or anything; they were just fun in their own way. Me being insecure was also nothing new.
Else I would have found myself a nice lunatic of my own. Man, the mental image of being hunted by her through a cold winter night, while she was wearing nothing but a see-through nightgown and thong made me wish I could go for round 2 on the spot.
I would propose on the spot if someone was to make such a romantic gesture to me. That ring would be so fast around her fingers she would not even have the time to stab me.
Ah, what do they say true love was blind; just like I would after I see any other girl. Everyone needed a little bit of crazy in their lives.
"Really body, really?", I softly exclaimed after the mental image forced me to do another round of squats.
Directing the blood from my downstairs to my calves and legs made quick work of my woodie. Thanks, grandma.
....
This was way too easy; what was I missing here? There had to be something I was forgetting...
The rumbling of my stomach echoed through the vicinity and it struck me; we did not have any food nor any drinking water. Here I thought I was actually smart and good at problem-solving.
Seriously, how could I have forgotten something this vital? It was not like drinking water or eating food was invented because we humans got bored. I mean, we had only done it since the beginning of humankind...
What the fuck brain? What was I paying you with nutrition for? You better step up your A-game to get us out of this mess you brought us into.
However, the only answers that motherfucker gave me were cannibalism and drinking your bodily fluids. Both are "viable" solutions, but not something to take pride in.
I had no plans on becoming either a vampire or a survival specialist teaching people how to consume their own urine in times of need. I know, quite the shocker. I was aware, that I was just sounding like a whimsical bitch, but come on, I ain't into that kind of shit.
There had to be a better solution that drove less into fetish territory. Did I really have no other choice?
Looking at my third self's conquest of gravel an idea came to me. The time had come to find a water source...
Finding water through digging─I dig that.