Why in God's name was there a need to create a third version of me? Said god better not dare to let that motherfucker strip too. Otherwise, I would be twisting his dick...
My first handjob had still been less than pleasant.
I finally got someone to touch my meat, but I'd never thought it be under these questionable circumstances. In the end, I had just been touching myself. It was just violent masturbation with a few extra steps.
Before anyone asked, no, a threesome was not on my bucket list. Even I did not love myself enough to do that.
One dicktwister had been enough to know that I am not into that kind of shit. My masochism only applied to crazy beauties and even hotter psychos. Nothing in this world could match the fire that burned inside of them.
These pure and raw emotions of them were like a drug to me. Still, that did not apply here; I felt nothing outside of pain in the fight with my other self. Just the same old, boring shit I had felt whenever I needed to take a dump.
Merely repeating the same old patterns till the same old stuff had as much value as the turd that I would flush down the toilet.
This lifeless crap was too plain and too one-dimensional. You were simply following in the footsteps of millions of other humans before you. Where was the spark; where was the creativity? Where was my cray-cray love interest?
Outside of this fever dream of an afterlife, I used to be normal and was only of many. Being part of the common masses certainly had its advantages, but let us be real for a hot second, I did not give a single fuck about all this philosophical shit when Joe-2's hand was carefully close to caressing my junk again.
I like my junk the way it was─in one piece and without someone else's hand wringing it out.
Becoming a eunuch was not something that clothes could fix. You see, I was quite literally attached to that thing, it would be quite the bummer if my copycat were to take it from me.
Leave my meat sabre out of this, it did not deserve to go through this torment for a second time. Think of all the future kids I could have had...think of another valid reason that would keep my little friend safe and sound.
Yet, luckily for my dick and I, Joe-2 did neither and simply stared at the third copy that had appeared out of thin air.
As if it all made sense now, he gave me a knowing look and offered me a handshake as a truce. I begrudgingly accepted, not due to me still wanting his clothes, but simply because I had to shake the hand he had just used to squeeze my downstairs with.
Hard times require hard measures. There was no other choice than to swallow my pride for now. We both knew that someday we would stab each other in the back.
FFS, could I not stop with the dirty-sounding sentences for one waking moment of my life?
The answer to this very thought-provoking question was a resounding NO. My brain was just built differently and making perverted innuendos was its purpose.
Neither of us had spoken a single word. We both stared at the third weirdo and wondered how he would fuck everything up again. I pitied him because he would most certainly end up here with us as well.
That was not something any one of us three dumbasses did expect from the afterlife.
Though Joe Doe NR.3 did something that made even me speechless. He began to grab each stone on the gravel road and put them at the side of the path.
It took a few seconds and my newest copy had already lost his functioning brain... indirectly setting a new record on the dumbass scale.
Nr-2 should have started to understand how I felt. There was no fun in watching this horror. Solely regret, lots of regrets awaited the 2 audience members.
We were left with too many unanswered questions and no possible answers that could explain this kind of strange decision. He just died due to Deez Nuts; why was he shovelling gravel stones aside in the afterlife?
Had my third self been replaced by a robot? Or was this just another sad attempt to regain the title of stupidest death from its predecessor? If so, he was getting closer and closer with each rock he removed.
Mind you, it was not one or two stones that he took out of it. Every single one of them was lifted up and thrown at the roadside. I had no idea what was happening and I was too scared to ask.
My brother in nude arms was equally dumbfounded by the peculiar acts of the newest model. In a sense, he unknowingly had done the right thing.
He had brought the two of us together; now we both hated him instead of the other. A noble sacrifice that we would never forget. Our hearts were not of stone, we would get revenge for all the stupid shit he had done.
And I would get his clothes. I was here first and therefore higher in the hierarchy. Despite, my hatred I needed to keep my priorities straight.
Though I had to say it, having a watch-along with another naked copy of you was flipping weird man. Imagine any one of us would pop a boner; what would the other one think? Crossing our swords or touching tips was not something I wished to do, regardless of how attractive I might be.
Especially not on the first day I died. This view of mine might change with the passing of time, but, dear God, I had no plans of having an orgy in the afterlife.
Yeah, that sentence was not the full truth. If my lovely psychos were not involved, there would never be an orgy for me. Living dangerously was just my way of life.
All the while I have been questioning my sexuality, my third version had continued his quest to rid the afterlife of stones and kept on digging as if his life depended on it. This level of obsession was concerning.
I could understand wanting clothes or a harem like my other fellow...even so, why stones of all things? Was he getting his rocks off to them? These stones were not exactly gems that could be sold at a high price either.
Yeah, regardless of how I look at it these pebbles, their only merit was being stepped on.
Maybe it was not about the stones themselves but what lay beneath them. That made a little more sense than collecting the gravel as a hobby.
Yet, I knew myself all too well, if it seemed reasonable and logical then it was definitely not the reason as to why I did that. Thinking straight was not exactly my strong suit. Taking this kind of methed-up thought process into account he most likely made some brainless deduction.
Like " These stones represent the guilt that has built up in my heart over my lifetime. I have to remove all these heavy stones that weigh my heart down. I need to find the truth to this heavy heart of mine"
Or also another fun perspective, " In this sea of stones, each one represents another life that came to an end─just as mine did. In order to move on, I need to find 'myself'."
Something so profoundly stupid was without a doubt the reason for these absurd antics.
All these different interpretations only invited trouble to come and kick our ass, which it gladly did. The irony behind our deaths was not very easy to miss. A second death to nuts, someone falling over a twig while running away... you just knew that a stupid accident would come.
I had no idea when or how it would happen, I just had that funny feeling that it would happen.
Much like the Amen in a Christian church, you just knew that some things were going to happen.
There never was an absolute certainty. The exceptions to these rules were more than rare. There better be a big-ass meteor coming down, if you do not want to file your taxes. Or be rich...but that is not a choice a lot of people have.
Though to be fair, no fortune would have saved me from my stupid brain here in this afterlife. Judging from all the things I have done and seen other me's do, I was left with no other conclusion than... I was insanely brain-dead.
At this point, I was just enjoying the ride to see how stupid my acts would be.
Well, since nothing fancy was happening now, I should continue to do my exercises. Kicking NR.3's butt needed all of my strength. The third Joe Doe seemed to be one crazy SOB.
Underestimating myself lead to my downstairs suffering from the diabolical dicktwist. That shall never happen to me again. No mercy to myself and no mercy to other versions of me.
Doing one push-up after another caused Joe-2 to give me the same look he did to the Joe-3 on screen. Although I could not care less what he would think about me. He would and could never understand the feeling I had to go through.
Something precious had been taken from me, my sweet innocence had been sullied by his tight grab. Everything I had saved for the girl that would come knocking on my door was taken from me, by none other than my second self.
Now? There were 3 dudes in a world with only enough space for one of them. Things were kinda getting out of hand.
It was hard to describe. There were way too many Joe's with much too few ways to describe them. It was not even identity theft because we were one and the same.
We needed to establish a system, which made it easy to differentiate between each other. But how on God's green Earth─pun intended─were we going to accomplish that?
This place offered lots of grass; however nothing more than just that.
Well, I would find a way sooner or later either way. Especially when I finally get them clothes to wear.
What a strange place we lived in...
For now, less thinking more exercise. You would not get stronger without putting in the work for it.
My time would surely come. With infinity in front of my eyes, it would.