"Chanaé Smith" called the nurse inside my doctor's office.
"That's me," I answered standing from my seat. I was so nervous. Two weeks ago I came in for a physical and I get a call from my doctor's saying he needed to see me in his office. I was right behind the nurse at my doctors' door and all I could think in my head is turn and run.
"Hi Chanaé" my doctor said when I entered his office.
"Hi Dr. Roberts" I said as I sat down in a chair across from his desk.
"Well what I called..."
"Please just tell me if I have cancer, because getting cancer at seventeen is not good. Please tell me I am not going to die. I am about to finish my senior year." I said in one breath cutting him off.
"It's not that serious but it is very important" he said closing my file and getting up to walk around his desk to where I was sitting. Dr. Roberts sat down in the chair right across from where I was and crossed his legs.
"What I called you to my office for is to tell you that when you came in for your physical, and you had the nurse check you for sexually transmitted disease she took urine also."
"Yes I know every six months me and that same nurse goes through it both times. Wait a minute don't tell me I have a disease. I am going to kill Anthony," I said rising from the chair and pacing.
"Wait let me finish Chanaé, you don't have to kill your boyfriend yet," he said smiling, trying to get me to calm down. He got up and walked towards me.
"Okay say what you have to say because now I am getting agitated with waiting I'm sorry if that was rude but I am."
"That's okay. What I wanted to tell you is that you are pregnant." Dr. Roberts stood waiting for a response. At least three minutes went by before I could say anything.
"How far along?" I asked.
"Five and a half weeks. You need to start taking some prenatal vitamins," he answered looking me in the eyes.
"That can't be I just had my period two weeks ago." I took a relieved breath knowing that he had made some type of mistake.
"I know I read the questionnaire the nurse gave you when you first came in for the appointment. I checked the test twice and it confirms that you are indeed pregnant. I know people think that they cannot have a menstrual cycle when they are pregnant but there are times that women do get their menstrual cycle early in the pregnancy. I would like to run a few test and do an ultrasound just to make sure everything is okay." There was a long pause before I realized that he was not joking in no way, shape, or form.
"Wait is it too late for an abortion?" He just looked at me like I was kidding, but I couldn't be more serious than I was right now. I have eight brothers and sisters and I already have to help take care of them. I am not ready for a child. I already know what my mother is going to say if I tell her 'you laid down to make a baby you better stand up and take care of one' I'm not trying to be selfish but I can't do this right now.
"Are you sure this is what you want to do Chanaé, because you have options. I mean other ones beside abortion."
"Yes I'm sure this is what I want." That is what came out of my mouth but in my head I was having second thoughts. I cannot deal with having a baby and what if Anthony decides that he doesn't want to take care of a child.
"If you give me a few days I'll call around and see if I can find a doctor that can take you before the end of the week then I'll call you with the appointment time that they can schedule you."
"Okay, thank you so much for everything and I know I am making the right choice so thank you for understanding." I was hoping that he didn't need my mother's permission to go through with the abortion.
"Try and have a nice day and I will be in touch with you in a few days" Dr. Roberts said walking to the door and opening it.
"I just have to ask you a question," I said as I walked to the door.
"What is that?" He asked.
"Do you need my mother's permission?"
"No I am going to call the clinics that the doctors from Planned Parenthood uses."
"Okay and thank you again for your help and understanding" I said walking out of his office. I walked to the elevators the whole time thinking and wondering if abortion is the right thing to do. I can't ask God for help because the way I got pregnant was wrong in his eyes, and God also doesn't believe in abortion so I am just messed up on all sides of the board (a figure of speech meaning I'm screwed). The elevator doors opened and I couldn't believe my eyes my best friend Trina and her son Jason were standing right there.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her getting on the elevator as I hugged her.
"I had to take Jason to the doctor. Why are you here?" Trina asked stepping aside on the elevator.
"What did he have to come to the doctor for?" I asked avoiding the question.
"Because he has an ear infection. Now I answered two of your questions, answer mine." Trina looked me dead in the eye and I looked down. I didn't know whether to tell her or not but she is my best friend and she knows everything about me so why do I not want to tell her I'm pregnant. I'm going to tell her because I refuse to lie to her. So unless she asks the only thing she won't know about is the abortion right now.
"Hello, are you there?" She said waving her hand in front of my face to get my attention.
"Yes I'm sorry. What did you say?"
"I asked what are you doing here? Why didn't you tell me you were coming? We could have rode together." She said as the elevator stopped on the first floor we got off and I answered her question.
"I didn't get a chance to call. These last few days I've been studying for finals and I unhooked my phone from the jack and powered my cell phone off."
"Oh. So what did you come to the doctor for?" I know that she was not about to let it go so I just told her why I was there.
"My doctor called me after my physical to tell me that I am five and a half weeks pregnant" the look on her face told me she couldn't believe what I just said.
"Is he sure your pregnant?" she asked.
"He said he ran the test twice." I answered as we walked to away from the elevator.
"I thought you and Tony were always safe when you did it" she said referring to sex but avoiding saying it in front of Jason.
"I thought we were also but this proves me wrong. I am not keeping it though" I took my keys out of my pocket and pushed the unlock button on the key chain.
"Hold on" Trina stopped right before we got to my car.
"What?" I asked stopping also.
"Did you talk to Tony about this?"
"Why should I? This is my body and I don't need permission to have or not have a baby and Anthony doesn't' need to know about the baby." I was opening the driver's side door when she stopped me again.
"Why don't you want to tell him about the baby?" Trina asked me.
"What happened when you told Jason's father about him?" I asked.
"Tony is not like that and I know you don't think that he would do that to you."
"All I know is that Anthony is a guy and I seen how you felt when Jason's father told you and me that he couldn't be the father and you didn't even know who his father was because you slept around."
"I know and it hurt that's why if I even thought Tony was the least bit like him I would never tell you to tell him about the baby" Trina said as she put Jason in the backseat and buckled him in.
"I am not going to tell him and I am still going along with the abortion so nothing you say can convince me otherwise." I got in the car and Trina followed.
"You don't' think Tony is going to notice a difference in you if you don't come around or if your missing school."
"My doctor said that he can get me an appointment soon and next week is Summer break so no one will be home their all going to Cape Cod for a week and they think that I'm going with Anthony for the week so no one will notice."
"What are you going to tell Tony?"
"I am going to break up with him this afternoon when I go to his house."
"Wait, why are you breaking up with him?" Trina had a stunned look on her face.
"Because I love him too much."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean if I stay with him I am going to have to tell him about the baby and if he ends up being a no good bastard or hating me for having an abortion I don't want to know." I was a couple of blocks from Trina's house. Trina lived with her mother and still went to school even though she had Jason and she's eleven months older than I am. We will be graduating our senior year at the same time. Trina is Guyanese, although if you were not friends with her you would not know until she was mad and her accent came out. She is short with short hair and very beautiful.
"I hope you know what you're doing because I don't want you to regret having this abortion," Trina said interrupting my thoughts.
"I won't because I know I'm not ready to be a parent to anybody," I said pulling up outside her house.
"Thanks for the ride I really didn't feel like taking the Connecticut transit with Jason again."
"Anytime. When do you get your car out of the shop?"
"I go get it tomorrow before my first class at eleven."
"Okay I will call you when I get home later" I said to her as she got out of the car.
"Okay. Make sure you do that as soon as you walk through the door." She took a sleeping Jason and walked up to her house. When she reached her door I blew my horn and pulled off.
I drove twenty minutes to Tony's mothers' apartment building and took out my cell phone to call him.
"Hello" he answered on the first ring.
"Hi. Where are you?" I asked.
"I'm at home, why didn't you call the house phone my cell doesn't get that good of a service here" he complained.
"Because I didn't know you were home, I didn't see your car in the garage" I answered him.
"Where are you?" He asked.
"I'm downstairs but I'm not going to come up I'm just going to head home"
"Why are you leaving and I haven't even seen you yet"
"Because I hate being lied to and you just lied to me."
"Okay, what are you talking about?" He asked sounding confused.
"You just said you home but I don't see your car in the garage or on the street." I was trying to get him mad enough to start a full out argument with me over the phone so I would not have to see him face to face.
"I don't have my car because my mother borrowed it because she had to go to work and her car is still getting detailed," he answered really calm. If I hated anything about him it was the fact that he would not argue back or even raise his voice unless he was beyond mad, which usually ended up with me being even more mad than I already was.
"Oh" was all I could say.
"Are you coming up?" He asked.
"Do you want me to come up?"
"Please don't answer my question with a question, especially a stupid one like that."
"So what are you saying, I'm dumb now." I screamed through the phone.
"I didn't mean it like that and you know it, so just come upstairs and we can talk about what's bothering you."
"What makes you think that something is bothering me?" I asked very curious.
"I know something is because you're trying to pick a fight with me over the phone."
"What are you talking about Anthony?"
"You know what I'm talking about. You just called me Anthony and you only use my full name when you're pissed. So again I'm asking you are you coming up to talk or did you just want someone to fuss with, because if so you already know I'm not going to argue with you." He was right but I had to try so I would have a reason not to see him for at least a couple of days, but I had to break it off today or I would chicken out and start screening my cell phone calls. I hate this feeling that I feel right now but I rather break up with him now and have an abortion then to keep the baby and loose him later.
"Okay I am coming up. I will ring the bell when I get to the lobby." I looked for a parking spot in his apartment garage.
"Okay. I love you" came Tony's response before hanging up. All I could do after he said that was look at my phone. I had finally found a parking spot and it was close to the entrance of the lobby. I cut off the car and sat there for at least five minutes before I got the nerve up to get out and walk to the lobby. When I walked into the lobby I smelled chlorine from the indoor pool down the hall and that smell alone made me want to throw up, but oh no that was not enough a man had to come into the lobby eating a cheeseburger with onions and god knows what else. That took the cake and right then and there I felt it coming up and I couldn't hold it. To put insult to injury there was no bathrooms in the lobby so I only got as far as the trashcan before an explosion of vomit came out of my mouth and into the garbage can.
"Are you alright?" The guy with the cheeseburger asked as he passed me a napkin.
"Thank you, and yes I'm alright. It's just a bug," I said. Just then both elevators opened up at the same time, so as a lady got off one the man got on one and I got on the other. When I got on the elevator I pressed Tony's floor, dug in my purse for a Listerine breath strip and popped it on my tongue. Tony lived on the fourth floor so it took about a few seconds for the elevator to get to his floor. As the doors opened I took a deep breath and stepped off. I walked towards his door and as I got closer I could hear his Television, which meant he was in the living room lying on the couch, but I could also hear him on the phone and from what I can hear of the conversation he was telling a friend he could not go out because I was coming. I took another deep breath and knocked on the door.
"Come in, it's open." Tony screamed through the door. When I opened the door I heard him tell the person on the phone he would call them back I was there. I didn't even ask who it was I just went in, closed the door and locked it. When I turned around Tony was getting up off the couch and walking towards me.
"Hi baby" he said with a smile. I loved his smile because when he smiled his eyes seemed to look even more green which made him even sexier.
"Hi Tony" I said putting a smile on my face. He wrapped his arms around me to give me a hug and it felt so comfortable right there, I really didn't want him to let go but he did and led me to the living room and we sat on the couch.
"It's good to hear you call me Tony because you haven't called me Anthony since we first met and if you do it usually means I've pissed you off which could not be because I just got here this morning." Tony was in college and it was located an hour away from where we grew up. He stayed on campus and comes home on the weekends and holidays.
"There's nothing wrong I just had a bad day." I watched as he got up and walked towards the kitchen.
"Want something to eat or drink?" He screamed from the kitchen.
"No" I screamed back.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes" I snapped. I saw when he finished pouring juice in his cup and started walking back. Because it was just him and his mother they rented a two bedroom apartment on the south end of Hartford and the bedrooms were big but the living room it was right next to the kitchen and the way the couch was facing was so that you can see inside the whole kitchen. I stared at Tony while he was walking back. I couldn't help it he did not have a shirt on, all he had on was basketball shorts and socks. I had to smile to myself he had on the boxers I made him in sewing class a year ago for his nineteenth birthday, but in order for him to get them he had to take them off of me (if you know what I mean). He is so sexy in almost anything but I love in the summer time when he wears his Khakis, tims, and wife beater. To picture you have to know that he is six one, two hundred pounds mostly muscle, a six pack, dimples so deep he doesn't have to smile for them to be seen, and braids. The only thing about Tony having braids is that he's Puerto Rican and his hair only last a week at the most and I had to do his braids over every weekend. The only reason I didn't mind was because I didn't want him sitting between another girl legs to get his hair braided. It isn't that I think he would make a move on another girl it's just that I seen the girls at his school and how they act toward the athlete's. It's nasty how they throw themselves at them and I'm not the type of girlfriend that thinks or says 'my man would never cheat on me' because it's a lie every female deep down knows that if a male is given the opportunity and thinks he can get away with it he will cheat.
"Why are you just staring at me?" Tony asked when he reached back to the couch and sat down.
"I wasn't' staring. I was in a daze." I lied.
"Oh"
"And if I was, what you don't want me looking at you? I could leave if you want." I got up off of the couch but Tony stopped me by grabbing my arm pulling me back down next to him and to my surprise he kissed me soft then he slid his tongue between my lips and wrestled with mine. I felt like melting in his arms and telling him everything. Then it hit me just as he pulled away, I can't.
"Does that answer you question?"
"No" I answered.
"No?" He asked with a confused look.
"Just answer me. Do you want me to leave?" I asked him again.
"Hel... I mean no. Why would I want you to leave? What's wrong with you today?"
"Why does something have to be wrong with me?"
"I mean, why are you picking a fight?" he asked turning his whole body towards me.
"I'm not picking a fight I just asked a question."
"Well the answer to your first question is I love when you look a me. When you touch me." He said as he grabbed my hand " and the answer to your second question is no I don't want you to leave. I would love for you to stay with me forever, forever ever, ever, ever" he said mimicking the Outkast song. I smiled, I couldn't help it. Looking in his eyes and being around him always made me feel good.
"See you know how to smile" he said and I was for the first time today I was smiling. Just then his cell phone rang. He picked it up off of the coffee table, looked at it and put it down. It stopped and two seconds later it rang again and he did the same thing.
"Who is that?" I asked looking at him curiously.
"Nobody"
"So why don't you answer?" I asked lifting up off his arm.
"Because I'm here with you, we are hanging out and I don't want to spend that time on the phone with someone who is not important." He answered as his phone rang again.
"Let me see the phone" I said reaching my hand out for it.
"Why" he asked pushing it further back on the table.
"So I can tell them your busy."
"It already stopped ringing. So forget about it and let's watch T.V" he said keeping the phone on the table and not giving it to me. This made me wonder who was calling even more so I reached over him and grabbed the phone. "What are you doing?" He asked trying to grab the phone. I got up so he couldn't grab it and scrolled through his missed calls and seen the name Sherri. I knew who she was and it made me mad that he didn't just tell me it was her. Sherri is his "friend" that he grew up with, and went out with her for a week in eighth grade but I know that she had deeper feelings for him than those of a friend and I had a feeling that they had sex at least one time since we've been together but when I asked him he said 'no' and I left it alone but it always stayed on the back of my mind that she will always be around to try and tempt him to sleep with her again if he already isn't.
"You knew it was Sherri so why didn't you just say it was her?" I asked before I threw the phone at him. It almost hit him in the face.
"Are you crazy?" He screamed.
"Yeah because if I wasn't I would have aimed the phone at your lying ass mouth."
"What did I lie about?" He asked jumping up off of the couch.
"You said you were going to stop talking to her months ago when she answered the phone and said you were in the shower, after she told me you fucked her brains out in your dorm room"
"I know but we've been friends for so long so I asked her why she did it, and she said she did it to mess with you since you thought we were sleeping together. She wasn't serious" he said defending her which made me even more mad.
"How did Sherri know I thought you and her slept together?"
"I told her and then I asked her if she had feelings for me other than being a friend and she said no." As soon as he said that I knew I had to get away from him, so I walked towards the door, but before I took a full two steps he grabbed my arm.
"Where are you going?" He asked.
"I'm leaving."
"Why?"
"Can you let go of my arm"
"Not until you tell me why your leaving" I could feel the tears burning the back of my eye lids but I can't cry in front of him. I'm hurt but not because of the situation between him and Sherri but because I do not have the right to get mad when I was about to break up with Tony.
"Please let go of my arm" I couldn't help it the tears just started rolling down my face.
"Wait, Wait. Why are you crying?"
"Please, please let me go" I told him really trying to stop the crying but I couldn't they just keep coming down my face the more I think about this being the ast time I might ever see Tony.
"Baby, I'll let you go okay" he said letting my arm go but stepping in front of the door.
"Why won't you let me leave?" I asked taking a step back away from the door.
"What is going on? I'm confused. What has you so upset? It has to be more than just this thing with Sherri."
"Nothing I just want to leave. Can you move?" I finally stopped crying and I hope that he lets me leave before I started crying again.
"Where are you staying tonight?" His question threw me off because it has nothing to do with anything.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the only time that I have seen you cry is when your mom threw you out and you thought you had no where to go."
"No, I'm staying at home, and even when I did get thrown out I told you and I even ended up staying with you and your mother" I replied thinking back to the time me and my mother fought and she put me out of the house because she said I couldn't follow her rules, by not bringing my friends who were dealers in her house. When I came to Tony's and told him everything he told his mom and she said I could stay with them but I would sleep in his room and he would sleep on the couch. At first I told him that it was ok and I would find somewhere else but he said it would be more time that I could spend with him when he was home on the weekends and his mom would love the company when he was away and she was home alone during the times when she was not working. I ended up staying with his mom for a month.
"So what is wrong with you?"
"Nothing. Just let me leave."
"Not until you tell me what is wrong."
"Nothing I just think that we need some time apart" with that said I ran behind him, opened the door and ran out leaving Tony standing there while I took the steps.