She had being planning and waiting for this day for the past six months. This was the day everything was to make sense if she could just be brave and have faith in fate. She was a natural over thinker and therefore was never one for rash spur of the moment actions she always thought things through and this was no exception. She had planned to do that which sickness had been to cowardly to do and God too busy to approve she was going to cut cost in the Ezeh's household and save her family the embarrassment. Face to face with her first ever suicide attempt, let the games begin.
What Happens Next Inside Nkoli's Head?
She had successfully flirted with death now pregnant with suicide it was time to give birth contractions are a bitch no one warned her of their effect anyways for a stress less passage and from her many hospital experience her choice for the passage over the bridge between suicide and life was pills over portions why? Maybe because she had experience with pills and was almost certain of their efficiency and effect while portions on the other hand Nkoli had no prior experience with them. Armed with a doctor's prescription for 100mg of tramadol she makes her way to the pharmacy down the road. The skies were clear the sun was out and it was a beautiful day to end her life. I mean for whatever it was worth she held on for two whole days after her water baptism which happened on the 9th. After buying the drug she took a stroll further down the road pondering, wondering and of course enjoying judgemental stares. back at home that day the ridicule hit different, they sounded like loving statements she told mummy how grateful she was to be her daughter told daddy she loved for all his financial investments in her she sat at the kitchen dining table with her younger siblings for dinner, they had egusi soup and semovita that evening after which she did with her siblings what she loved the most, singing they sang different songs from westlife to Chioma Jesus they sang at the top of their lungs this went on for a little over an hour it was unusual and her parents wondered the source of her sudden joy if only they knew . At 9pm on the 12th of September 2012 after a very long warm bath dressed in a pokadotted pink pajamas Nkoli sat on the tiled floor of her father's bathroom back rested on the white wall facing the huge mahogany mirror staring at her reflection in pure disgust as the voices in her head were once again at war she knew that biting her arm wasn't going to cut it this time. She had a more permanent solution in mind. Whilst staring at herself in the mirror she puts her hand into the cupboard to her right bringing out valum 5 and tramadol 100mg. her intention? To drink it and retire to bed for the night Oops, she meant forever.
"I love you, you're amazing" that was Lesley ijebomme in her head again, well boo I know but we've not been in touch for years plus by the time you hear about my "death" if you ever do, it won't hurt and right now I hurt too much. I love you but not today my mind is already made up.
"you have a beautiful mind" this was the Judas of all thoughts crossing her mind attempting to dominate the rest
"you have a beautiful mind" this voice relentlessly and audaciously chanted
Who was this person? The one who managed to plant this idea in her head
Getting exhausted from the endless chatter in her head she screams throwing the pills across the bathroom coiled up in a fatal position weeping in fear, endless banging on the bathroom door is what comes next
Nkoli, Nkoli open the door mother screamed
Ndidi, Ndidi what is wrong what happened to you Adaora asked
She opens the door armed with a story sellable to the family, after all to Nkoli the truth is no more than a sellable version of a lie.
"What happened ?" well mother my knees locked and my legs gave out from under me as a went to take my drugs so I screamed in pain im sorry if I startled you she apologised and voila they bought the lie.
After a bunch of sorrys her sisters help her to her bed. In bed that night Nkoli could not sleep she was disappointed in and ashamed of herself she was too cowardly for death, how could she be so dense and for her act of cowardice she wept and felt she deserved a punishment, holding a blade underneath her blanket she made a small vertical cut on her inner thigh droplets of dark red warm liquid appeared on her bed sheet. She had cut herself. This was the outcome of the day of her first suicide attempt
The days and weeks that follow would find Nkoli taking solace music, arm biting and drawing small vertical lines across her inner tight first one line then two then three, first her left thigh then right
When the lines no longer appealed to her she decided to play with fire creating a work of art on a very unusual canvas beneath her breast a lighter was placed after she stripped herself of her pokadot bra
Doctors more doctors and the university of Lagos
Secondary school graduation was like a rite of passage in the Ezeh household it was at this point that mummy and daddy would sit you down and give you the infamous talk were you were told that the successful completion of secondary was your passport to approach the world it was believed in her family that real life began at the university and therefore every decision made relating to the university and beyond was crucial hence the talk Nkoli had her version of the talk in august of 2014 but hers was slightly different from that of her siblings.
Adaeze and Adora were given the options of schooling outside of Lagos and possibly going to a private school as was her immediate younger brother chukwuebuka which they did but for Nkoli her options were very different it was either Unilag, Lasu or Imsu which let's face it her parents didn't believe she could make it into Unilag as the more brilliant ones that went before her were unfortunately unsuccessful and they made sure to express their lack of trust though cloaked in concern. To her parents Imsu was way too far they didn't believe that Nkoli could handle the stress of long distance travel, so while all her other siblings had to consider, course of interest, nature of learning environment, affordability of school fees and academic standing of desired institution, Nkoli had to consider just two things; her ailing fund draining health and her apparent academic in ability which simply meant by all human standards she would end up at Lasu studying any course even though her heart's desire was to study Law at Unilag because like it or not she knew she had to consider are health she wasn't delusional if anything she was quite realistic and her reality was that no matter how brilliant she was her health would not withstand long distance relationships academically or otherwise.