Human conscience was the first to respond. Wow, do you know what you just did, this poem is so beautiful, sorry? I wasn't trying to right a piece beautiful or not I was just trying to finish unfinished business before I leave the earth Nkoli said, oh well I think it's a beautiful poem you should post it and most importantly please don't kill yourself . Taking his advice Nkoli posted the poem on her WhatsApp status and Facebook page. papa sent a message that evening mandating her to come home the next day at any cost . Later that evening Chioma and Chidera, her two school friends, came to the hostel. Nkoli we just read your poem, why do you want to kill yourself, have you thought about us your friends, have you even thought about your parents, Nkoli this makes no sense your life is kind of perfect why try to kill yourself , they went on and on and on but the only semi sensible thing said was when Chidera asked Nkoli why she didn't speak up on the mental health NGO group for which she volunteered mental health matters Nigeria mhm by name. to the glory of God they finally left, leaving Nkoli alone to herself and the voices in her head . she had failed once again to kill herself just like she would eventually fail at everything else because let's face it she was worthless . the days and weeks following this suicide attempt would see Nkoli writing more and more depressing poems like drowning and coming up for fresh air, but she needs to get home first
The journey from her hostel to the Ezeh residence had Nkoli praying to have an accident anything really that would stop her from getting home for at least a year had her interest but God could honestly care less on getting to the big black gate of her family's residence Nkoli couldn't get herself to rig the bell I mean she was simultaneously sure and unsure in that moment, she was sure that her entire family had heard she was however unsure of their various individual and joint reactions. Would they think that she needed help, would she end up back at Yaba left? Taking a deep breath and fixing a smile on her face she finally rang the bell announcing her presence
As she stepped into the house the fiery questions and emotions were released madam I want to die you're back one of her sisters said papa is calling you was the statement that came next. she met papa and Adora discussing in his room when she went in the both of them attacked the issue from the same angle believing she was depressed and needed help however for papa the help Nkoli needed was only available in God while Adora was of the opinion that she should talk to a psychologist well I'm not depressed I was just in pain and wrote a poem Nkoli said ok oh please stop posting such poems papa said
She was mandated to spend the weekend at home just so they were sure she wasn't attempting to kill herself; she would only be allowed to return to Unilag on Monday. On Sunday evening after writing yet another scary poem Nkoli became scared of herself filled a dangerous amount of fear she decided to open up to mama about her fears and her suicide attempt, well mama concluded that her fears were pointless and Nkoli just spoke too much, loving to seek attention so it was easier to just go on with the lie and post her suicide notes as poems they didn't mind having a poet but one thing was sure she could never be depressed I mean what exactly had she experienced that would warrant depression plus there was a God prophecy on her head so it makes no sense .
On Monday evening having returned to school she received a phone call from an unknown number while having dinner. Hello good evening my name is Philemon the founder of mhm I got your number from the group chat the caller said, that was the beginning of what would be a self-discovery journey for Nkoli. She would draw from strengths she never knew she had. talk to a God who to her surprise spoke back .apparently Philemon had called because he noticed she wasn't active on the group and so decided to check-in on her by the end of that first phone call she could tell that there was going to be more given that he almost immediately messaged her on WhatsApp after dropping the call. Over the next few months Nkoli and Philemon developed a photocopy kind of relationship where she tried to tell him what human conscience was to her. first step for Nkoli was to define the relationship so that her insecure fragile heart won't jump ship anyways to her Philemon was either divine punishment or God's gift it was like life was playing a trick because beyond the charisma and founders cape she was privileged to see the real raw deal the scared, insecure, sad, manipulative, frustrated, beautifully human version of him. This was her one chance to be good at something and she didn't want to mess it up. Her only mistake was attempting a 1corinthians 13 kind of love, I mean she brought in God and everything taking out time to pray for and with him, temporarily abandoning her depression to prevent his. It was a privilege really, in the first few months of their friendship he managed to draw greatness out of her. Meeting Philemon was life changing for her. She started believing in the whole God has a plan. a few months after meeting him she became active in mental health matters Nigeria mhm she would go from just writing articles to being a huge part of their PR department
All was good with Philemon and the organization until he abruptly removed her from the group using her year 4 exams as an excuse .
The Aftermath
The weeks that followed were like heartbreak, ptsd and grief and the timing was really unfortunate as it was less than a week to the start of her first semester exams so after 5 hours of crying, screaming, crying, bitching, whining to all who cared to listen she did what was best entering the first stage of grief, denial, that was the only way she knew to focus on and pass her exams. She felt broken, betrayed, angry, and used. So she did what she knew to do she wrote deadly dark poems and like handing candy to a baby as she had expected Philemon called guns blazing saying things he should have left on said according to him, removing her was doing what was best for her, apparently he did it from a place of love however for Nkoli on the receiving end it was like papa all over again never consulting her but always knowing what was best for her even though the repercussions were hers to deal with in the end. Nkoli was mad at herself how in God's name did she get herself mixed up in all this mess. This wouldn't have happened if she had listened to the voices in her head, she wouldn't be in so much pain if she had just remained uninterested, it hurt so much because to her dismay she actually cared about them and truly believed she could do something to help them in their charitable quest a part of her was beginning to believe in herself and the possibility that she could make a difference in the earth but in the end she had done it again destroying the very thing for which she cared she felt like a failure on so many levels she had failed God but cutting Philemon off she had failed herself in being a part of another abandoned project, she just couldn't deal with herself
So she changed her number believing it to be the solution to her problems. During the semester holiday she wrote and wrote more poetry, some with words others with blades. she had done denial, she had done anger, she had even tried to rationalise his actions but the one thing Nkoli couldn't seem to do even almost a year later was letting go both of Philemon the organisation and its people she still found herself giving ideas and telling people about them yet never returning to them even after realising that she was only being used by Philemon for whatever reason, even after learning that the organisational motive was fraudulent she still couldn't let go. In Philemon's defence he reached out a couple of times trying to explain and justify himself never fully taking responsibility for the role he played in the series of events I guess founders always know best.
Nkoli found a way to move on but in the process she lost a part of herself promising never to volunteer ever again, it hurts too much to care.