Carson's P.O.V
I left the room, closing the door behind me. Even before I could reach the exit to her apartment I heard her cry. It wasn't hushed at all. She put no effort in silencing herself, and that gave me as much relief as the pain her condition provided me.
I wanted to return to her. Embrace and console her. I wanted her to know how much I still cared for her. I wanted her to know that it wasn't her fault. But... I couldn't. I lacked the courage to be there for her and comfort her. Knowing this very well, I left her apartment.
I ran out of the building just like how I wanted to run away from the truth.
Reaching outside and looking at the people around me made me feel void. I blankly stared at them as I was unable to comprehend anything.
I looked at the sky as I scoffed. It was too good a day to receive such disheartening news. It was such a lovely, bright and vibrant day but all I felt was dull, gloomy and above all GUILTY.
The guilt kept eating me from the inside.
I hated myself for being oblivious. I hated myself for overlooking most of the hidden messages in Uncle Fedir's conversation, for ignoring his prolonged absence.
Above all I hated myself for not noticing the gradual changes in Adelaide. For dismissing her odd behaviour, for making false excuses and associating it with something entirely different. For not being with her when she needed me the most. When her entire world was collapsing.
As I was aimlessly walking with no particular destination in mind I bumped into someone.
"Mind your step." -the cool unbothered voice came.
I looked up and took in the features of the man for a split second before replying .
"I'm sorry."
And just like that, without any further interaction or complaint the man who felt absolutely stoic left.
There was something about him that made me look at his receding figure a little longer until I set to my own destination.
My home.
It had only just struck me that a few months ago mother wanted to tell me something regarding Uncle Fedir but had dismissed it as nothing of importance.
I was desperate as I rushed to my house. I earnestly begged God to not let my assumptions be true.
I didn't want another confrontation on the same day, especially involving Uncle Fedir.
But it had to be done.
I was home in no time.
I almost felt like a mad-man moving frantically from room to room in search of my mother until I found her leaving the balcony.
"Mother I need to ask you something. It's urgent."
"And what could that be about Carson? Can it not wait? I have some work to attend to." -her gentle and soft voice spoke.
"It's about Uncle Fedir" -this was my only chance at gaining more knowledge quickly.
I noticed how mother had become rather tense.
"W- what about him?" -she refused to look at me as she tried to put on her own fort.
"You knew about his condition didn't you? You knew about it all along and yet you chose to hide it from me and Addie right?"
I got no response from her.
"Why didn't you tell me about it? Why did you stop before saying what you should have? Why mom? Why?" -keeping my emotions in check was never really a problem, but today it was rather challenging. I could feel my tears fall as I saw my mother looking down and clutching her dress.
She took in a deep breath before facing me with a blank expression but teary eyes.
"Sit down first and then we'll talk." -saying so she marched off to the balcony and sat down on one of the chairs. I quickly followed her and accompanied her by sitting on the chair opposite to her. I didn't even have to push her further. She simply breathed a deep sigh and started on her accord.
"I guess it was back in the month of January when I received a call from him. He told me how Adelaide was out on a trip with her friends and how both he and her were doing well, until I caught the voice in the background which said something in the lines of 'the doctor is waiting for you'. It was all that I had heard until he said that he would call again soon due to some urgent work. But he hadn't, not for days until I called him back as I grew nervous and impatient. He wasn't even the one who picked up the call. It was the nurse that had answered the phone and told me that 'the patient is currently under examination' and that he would be out soon. It was hard to process everything you know Carson? But I couldn't just stay silent on it right? So I called again after a few hours and luckily Fedir had answered the call. He didn't even tell me about it until I questioned him as to why he was under an examination. He was persistent in not letting me know, but me being the stubborn one, I learnt the truth of his health, which I believe you too now know."
This wasn't half as hard to take in after I had learnt of his death abruptly. But for mother it seemed rather difficult as she held her arms together and tightly clutched her arms with each other.
"Why couldn't you tell me? Why start it back then only to be silent about it?" -I felt so pathetic as I questioned mother about the same. It was ironic how I wished to confirm the answer which had already been answered by me.
"I couldn't because it would hold you back. You were at the peak of your career at that time. How could I single handily end your career and Fedir's last wish from me?"
"L-last wish?"
"He wanted me to keep his health a secret from you and Adelaide. He never wanted her to know of his condition because he never had a chance at survival to begin with. The cancer cells had spread far too much to be operated on. He had hoped for a natural death to suddenly be gifted to him as he had already kept ready all that he had to for Adelaide. But, God had no such plans. In the end Adelaide found out and put in vain efforts."
I felt like a loser who had been ripped of his position. I didn't even want to be a winner. All I wanted was participation, but I was secluded from the very beginning. I was the only one who was kept in the dark. Right from the very beginning I didn't have a role to play in this situation.
Did I want a role though? No I did not.
All I wanted was to be with the people I cherish, but I was made an outsider. An audience who just had to accept everything thrown at them. Who had no say in how the play will progress.
The abandonment hurt a lot more than I thought it would. But, the loss of Uncle Fedir hurt more. It was given why none of them could bring up how his days were numbered. It was because everyone wanted to deny it. They couldn't let others know of it as that would be their acknowledgement of Uncle Fedir's upcoming death notice. The notice which none of us would have accepted until the day it became a reality for all of us.
A reality that filled all of us with Guilt.