Carson's P.O.V
Waiting for Addie was never hard but, preparing oneself mentally for what she was bringing with her was always unexpectedly scary.
Taking everything in was rather hard. I felt myself not even being able to comprehend some of her words. It was as though I was losing all of my senses.
Forcing myself I heard her out. I had to take in all that I could if I wanted to grasp the situation.
As always, my mind was storming me with its numerous questions.
"How couldn't she have known?"
"There should've been the extra dozen of medicines to arouse enough suspicion."
It wasn't hard to figure out what she regretted the most.
Cutting off the life support for patients with no hope was very common. Doctor's suggested it for the patient and the patient's family.
It wasn't hard to figure this out.
But...
It was excruciatingly painful to accept it.
The surprise lay in how easily the words left my mouth.
"You removed his life-support right?" -I couldn't help myself as I scoffed at the end of the sentence and look to the floor.
"Y-yes."
Its all she had said.
What was I to do if she so blatantly agreed to it? How was I to face her confession?
How am I supposed to accept this when I refused to believe. Believe all that she had just said. Believe that, that was the only way to end his pain.
There had to be other ways. The medical field is so advanced now. There's no reason to not be hopeful. She could've waited a little longer right?
"Why didn't you wait a little longer? What if he would show improvement in a few days. Why didn't you think of that?" -all I got was silence. There was no response from her side. She sat mum and blank. Heck she was yet again avoiding me.
"WHY?!" -I screamed, alarming her as my patience was ending.
We were finally face-to-face with each other, taking in all the emotions evident on each other's faces.
"Why? Why won't you answer me?" -I pleaded. I felt a tear rolling down my face and my voice cracking as I witnessed her.
She wiped her tears away and sat up straight, as though she was finally ready to confront me.
"You think I didn't? Carson, were talking about my father. You know what he meant to me! You know his importance better than anyone!" -she showed evident lack of energy as she spoke.
"Of course I know what and how much he meant to you but, you can not expect me to just take in every word that you spit out! I need reasoning or some sort of an explanation for your actions, your not the only one suffering! " -losing my mind was such an inadequate way to explain my present state. There was no room for rationality. Uncle Fedir was precious to me as well. He definitely was Adelaide's entire world but that doesn't reduce his worth and significance to me.
"Oh right, I'm not some Damsel in distress." -she clearly wasn't prepared or sane at present.
"You know that is not what I meant." -I spoke as I sighed.
"You want an explanation right? I'll give it to you. I waited 3 fu**ing months for him! THREE WHOLE MONTHS! but they weren't enough. They never were enough. No number of days would be sufficient. The only truth is that I was too late to save him! I was a bad person to someone who cared for me the most. To someone who sacrificed the most for me. To someone who protected me above himself. To someone who did everything in their power to secure my safety, down to the very last moment! To someone who didn't think of himself for a fleeting second because I was with them. To such a person I was ridiculously oblivious and brought him to deaths door. Why...hah I sent him through them, I'm the reason he died, I'm the reason he's not with us anymore, I'm his killer."
Her eyes were fierce as she spoke, they burned with flames of regret. Flames that were consuming, burning and feeding on her. Flames for which she had no more tears to subdue them.
She had accepted the flames in their entirety without even knowing that they were half impure. Without even being aware of the fact that they manipulated her into accepting their entirety. The entirety which included their dark side. The part which was not true. The her which she needn't hate. The actions she need not take the wrong blame for.
Her heavy regrets were out in the open, as clear as the setting sun. They were setting so deep within her that she couldn't help but falsely accuse herself of murder. She wanted accountability for Fedir's death and this was how she was taking it. By calling herself his murderer.
She was the only one blaming herself to the point that she herself was gaslighting the truth. She became so conflicted, so confused that she forgot the purpose of her actions.
And seeing her trying to make up for her ignorance, for her regrets in such a devastating manner broke me.
I couldn't even approach her as I myself wasn't ready to comfort her.
Nothing could justify her ignorance but, she wasn't to be called a murder for helping uncle Fedir move on to a better place.
Taking a glance at her I realised we both needed time. She was just sitting there like a rock by the pavement waiting to be kicked by a passer-by.
"It's not entirely your fault." -I blurted out unknowingly as I kept looking at her.
"You don't have to say things you don't mean." -her voice was low and her face was expressionless.
"Trust me, I haven't said something with so much honesty in a long time now. But you know what? You and I both are not in the right state of mind at present. We should talk later, when at least one of us are slightly more rational. You better not take any wrong measures or else its over between us."
"I thought it already was."
It broke my heart to hear her say that. Adelaide is not someone I could easily let go off. In times like these it was always me who held us together and I'm going to do the same even now. Just not so immediately, not when I could potentially end it all.
Sighing I spoke.
"Well not yet, its not over until we get everything sorted. I still have things to talk about so you better be ready. Lastly, I'm sorry I wasn't with you when you needed me the most."
And with that I left the apartment.