Adelaide's P.O.V
Carson had every right to know what happened. He was so close to Papa after all.
At this very moment he was caressing my head, trying to calm me down while being completely oblivious of the truth.
"Hear me out please.' -My voice came out shakier than it should have. I could feel him pull away from me as a response. I did not have the courage to face him. I couldn't. Not after what had become of me.
I clung onto him like a Koala clutching a tree. "Let's stay like this...Please...I-I can't bare too face you. Not now."
He sighed before speaking. "Alright alright, but are you going to be okay? Talking about whatever you wish to let me know?"
"It doesn't matter honestly, because you need to know of it." -I answered while thinking of how telling him everything could be an escape for me as well. Keeping it all in me was not only getting harder on me but it was also starting to take a toll on me mentally.
"And you thought sharing your miseries would make you feel better? You thought you could run away from your sins like that?" -the voice in my head spoke up and scoffed.
I tried to convince myself that I was not running away from my sins but rather making Carson aware of them. But I proved myself wrong. I couldn't convince myself. Maybe, just maybe, I am actually looking for someone who could make me believe that what I did was because it was something I had to. Something which had to be done by me. Something which wasn't wrong. Not Wrong because all I did was, put an end to his miseries and pain.
"Go on, tell him! See for yourself if he can console you in a way you desire! Watch him as he calls you a murderer and wishes for your own death! And while you do so, I will happily watch you lose your life-long friend forever. Lost because of whom you might ask me later and I'll let you know how it was your fault. Down to every little detail! Without hiding any truth." -The voice was laughing. Laughing at my fear. Laughing heartily because it knew, it knew how much and what kind of effect it's words had on me.
But I knew Carson better. I knew I could reside in him and if he were to possibly react like how the voice said, then maybe the fault was all mine, and it would be as clear as crystal that I truly am a murderer.
Betting on my friendship I gathered all the courage I could to finally speak out the incidents of March 3rd.
"Your going to regret it." -to my surprise, that was all the voice said before fading away.
I smiled for a fleeting second and looked at Carson.
"What happened to 'not wanting to talk face-to-face?"
"Hmm? You truly are exceptionally good at understanding hidden messages."
"Particularly when it concerns you." -he said while flashing a smile at me which clearly was only a use of muscles. That was my que to spill the sealed away beans.
"Papa had Glioblastoma. Last stage. The doctor said that he had it for over a year now but he didn't want me to know of it." -I was looking down. I couldn't face him after all. Speaking of Papa always brought me back to the time when I saw him at the hospital. Him being bed-ridden, all the wires around him, the oxygen mask covering his face, his life-less body just waiting to be released from this world, his skin getting paler and paler as the days passed and his eyes, his eyes simply refusing to open.
As always, it was hard for me to not cry while recalling him. I wanted to be strong for Carson because... because it was new to him. Getting to know about Papa.
"H-how?" -Carson's voice broke and I could sense him slightly trembling.
"It's all my fault. How couldn't I have ever known? For over a year he was suffering and I took his presence for granted. The doctor even told that the pain must have been unbearable and I was oblivious to it all. I-I ended up ignoring his sudden and continuous absence. His long hours spent in the washroom, his decrease in diet, his lack of interest, his desire to be with me but then slowly and gradually straying away from me. I mistook it all for something else!" -I was sobbing now, the tears were flowing non-stop, just like how my regrets were never-ending.
I continued while mocking myself.
"I thought he... he finally found someone. Someone who he wanted to spend time with. Someone who he wasn't ready to let me know of. Not yet, and so I waited, I waited patiently until..." -it was getting harder to continue. So far I thought I was speaking mindlessly but guess I wasn't. I couldn't have been. Especially when all the images in my head were as fresh as yesterday.
"U-Until what Adelaide?!" -Carson was clearly impatient, who wouldn't be when it concerns someone important and significant to them?
"Until I returned home... o-only to find him lifelessly, life-lifeless on the floor." -the tears had aborted their mission of stopping long, long ago but now they were rebelling by falling faster. It turned out to be that my voice too had plans of abandoning me. My throat felt sore and dry but that didn't stop me. I had to let Carson know everything while I can, because there wouldn't be another such opportunity.
"I couldn't even call an ambulance on time for him. That wasn't even the worst thing I did for him. I-I without even being able to talk to him one last time, without even asking for his opinion on the matter, without even giving him the time to recover, without being able to witness his smile again, I-"
"You removed his life support right?" -Carson finished my sentence for me while almost scoffing which caused me to look at him in utter shock.
His head was low, his curly hair was covering his eyes as the room fell silent until I spoke.
"Y-yes."