*Ana*
Ultimately, the paper's decision came down to two options. But this did not help make things easier between us. We seem to remain divided. A standoff has been in place for the better of half of the afternoon, running to the early hours of the evening.
Though, I can't see why we need to fight. It's only paper. It is Maddie who refuses to see reason.
But I think I should clarify my choice first. I am not particular. I just want a simple cream tone- no flushes or flutes. Just as it should be. I want simple paper.
Maddie, however, is dead set on using this strong rosy pink paper. A decision she will not budge on. But as the day progresses, I feel no win to this fight. My resolve for simplicity is waning to her stubbornness.
And overall, this whole argument has gone on for too long as how ridiculous it is. I don't think I've ever had to fight with someone over something so trivial before. Because it is, it's nothing.
It's only paper. I think and must sigh.
Honestly…
But Maddie will maintain her fighting spirit to the very end.
"Look, Ana," Maddie lifts the pink parchment to her nose to give a deep whiff.
"It's scented too!"
She hand's it over to me. I lean in to take a sniff and feel myself a little shocked. It smells like flowers. I didn't know paper could have scents.
But still, I am unmoved. I don't see the thrill of having smelly paper. Why Maddie does, I don't want to understand.
I have had more than enough at this point, though. With a roll of my eyes, I take the paper from her. I don't want to play anymore with this silliness.
"You win." I voice it warily.
"I'll use the rose. Can we stop all this now?"
Maddie claps with a triumphant smile.
"What a fantastic decision, Ana," Maddie goes.
"I really couldn't have chosen better myself!"
"Maddie," I warn with a measured look.
"Mmhm." Maddie motions to lock up her mouth and throw away the key.
Really now. I sigh again before shaking my head. Was it worth all the energy? To fight over paper- but when I check on Maddie, I can feel her smile. She is gloating in victory.
"I can't wait for you to begin," Maddie chirps, bringing the quill over.
I take it but find my hand stop after that.
Uh-oh. I realize as I look at the pen. The paper was nothing. There is now a new problem.
I don't know how to start.
I am at a complete loss. I only look down at the rosy paper-hoping it might tell me what to say. Give me some inspiration. But that is complete folly. The paper is stubbornly holding its muses.
What do I even say? This is a serious thought. The biggest wall to climb has appeared in front of me. A mental block that revels all the books I've read. What could I ever possibly say?
I try to rack my brain. But it stalls because it's obvious that I don't have anything to work on.
I don't know anything about him.
Well, nothing about him personally. I correct.
Like I know what his room looks like- how it's overflowing with ties. Or how he isn't mistreated or in want of anything. He is well-loved and cared for by everyone.
And how beautiful he is-
Heh? I have to blink at the intrusive train of thought.
Is it right to think like that? I have to follow up quickly. I don't know. I've never had siblings before.
But he is beautiful. I don't deny it. His form is unique, and his features are rememberable.
He has such large blue eyes. They seem almost to swallow his face when he stares. I feel myself pause as I fall into the memory of that striking blue color.
But do siblings believe this way for each other? Is this what they call "sisterly love?" I don't even know if I should ask. I am very alone on this front.
Maddie must notice my hesitation as she moves to take up the initiative.
"Start with what your favorite color is. That might help. "Maddie suggests. At her voice, I break from my thoughts.
Yes, that isn't too bad. I can ask about his favorite color. It seems harmless enough of a question.
"I'll...try that. Thank you, Maddie." I pick up the quill. I hesitate just a moment before I puncture the paper with ink. The words come out slowly as I feel oddly insecure.
Will he find my handwriting difficult to read? I wonder. I try my best to keep my script clean and fluid. As I write on, I find the pen's gesture grows familiar in my hands.
Maddie beams a proud smile before puffing out her chest behind me.
"I only have good ideas, " Maddie announces. Here, I have to stop and scuff.
"Like eating the hair oil? " I remark. At this, Maddie's face pales. The memory isn't that far away for either of us. She makes a face as if she can still taste it before shaking her head.
"I resent that statement." Maddie huffs dramatically.
"Uh-huh." I retort but know Maddie doesn't mean it. She is nowhere near offended. Because, soon enough, Maddie is back to leaning over me to read what I write.
Something which quickly makes me grow cramped.
"Maddie, space. Please." I gently push the woman back with my hand. She relents but still stands close by. Her eyes are absorbed with the paper.
It makes me feel like I must work twice as hard to think. But I try to ignore her and focus on my task as best I can.
"My favorite color..." I blow out a breath of air. My mind chews on the idea. It's a simple question- it didn't need this much thought.
It's purple, of course. I write it down. But I have to pause as something else comes to mind.
"What if brother thinks it's strange that I like the color?" I pop the question. Maddie just raises a brow.
"Why'd you think that?"
"Because purple is not a color seen in Nochten," I explain before looking back down.
"What if he thinks I'm weird to like it?"
Maddie laughs softly.
"Such a childish fear." She goes, and I look up at her.
"No, really-" But she has my face in her hands. Her brown eyes are nice and warm as they look down on me.
"Then write about it," Maddie replies, rubbing my cheek with her thumb. Its rough but warm on my cold skin.
"Tell him what's on your mind."
"Tell him?" The idea sounds simple, but I can't help but pull back.
Will it work? I don't know. But I can't think of any other option.
"Purple is my favorite color, but it's not common here. " I pause for Maddie to read.
"Go on. Tell him why." Maddie is always encouraging.
I nod and try to breathe through a new wave of hesitation. I turn to continue.
"The color tends to clash with everyone's red hair. But as I don't have red hair. It is not a problem for me. I think it looks quite nice on me." I pause again for Maddie to check.
When she just smiles, it triggers something within. I feel a little fire start in my belly. It makes me want to dare myself to write even further. It's surprising to feel the pen move in my hand easier.
"It, however, saddens me, little brother, to see the rarely used color. Especially in our Nochten dress here. "
"Wow," I have to gasp.
That...felt so easy.
I did not think writing about myself would come this naturally. I never had a chance to try before. No one before has shown interest enough to warrant this kind of detail from me. But it is surprisingly delightful to share.
I guess I have quite a bit to say- funny.
"Maddie?" I again turn up for her to check.
"There you go." Maddie nods with encouragement. Her gentle words make me smile. I turn back to pick up the quill yet again.
I continue to surprise myself with how much I can still write. I suddenly find myself going through my likes and dislikes- not something I had to dwell on before. I have quite a few.
I like the morning more than the evening. I prefer cake over pudding.- and many other things I only just discovered for myself. And with each new discovery, I feel the confidence to press even further.
I dare to ask him questions.
"What's your favorite color? And what do you do with your days? " The questions start to fill the better half of the page. Each one is out of genuine curiosity. I want to know. I want to understand him better.
Who are you? What are you like? What do you like to do? Are you happy?
Whatever I can, I want to learn. Even if it's the smallest thing ever- I need to know.
Upon ending the letter, I have to remark on his drawing. I try to compliment his dog?/Bear./ Animal?
"Oh my," Maddie chuckles over my shoulder, reading the sentence. I push her away gently to get the wax to make the seal. I stamp it closed and hold it over.
"All finished? " Maddie coos.
"Yes, " I speak. There is an unusual warmth on my face.
Do I have a fever… Or does writing make me happy? I am not sure. But I know I've not felt this way before. I feel so light.
"Then I'm off to the postmaster. I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail." Maddie voices carrying the letter out. I watch her go and feel my heart jump a little.
Soon that letter will be going to him. He will get it in about a week's time.
I wonder how long it will take for him to write back-
"Oh," I gasp at my own thoughts. Again, I feel my face grow warm. What am I thinking? When he'll write back?
If he writes back. I try to curb my enthusiasm.
He might not write back at all.
It is a possibility that I need to be ready for. I don't want to become too hopeful again. It will only hurt if he doesn't.
Hope is rather a painful thing. I am learning. I will try not to hope for much.
Rather, I should stay close to what I know. What I'm sure will happen.
Nicoli will get the letter. After that, it will be up to him.
I can expect that much.