*Ana*
(song suggested for chapter: State of Mind II by Vetle Naero)
"Look who's here again. "Maddie hums, but the sound makes my stomach sink. I didn't even want to look up. I can already guess who she means.
I know it's not Aunt Funda or, on the off chance, my Uncle. So that leaves only one other person who can come into my side of the palace. And I'm already dreading it.
I can't believe he's found me. I thought this place would be safe, and he wouldn't think to check here. I want to cry.
But it looks like not even the rose garden is safe- in the middle of winter with no one else around. With no one else who would want to be outside- I thought surely, he wouldn't try here. He'd overlook the gardens, at least.
Nope. I am wrong again. Cousin Mykhol has again located my existence.
"He's rather adamant, isn't he?" Maddie must have heard my groan because she looked at me with furrowed brows.
Does she notice that I'm not enjoying the onslaught of attention? Because I'm not. I don't bother to hide it around her, either.
"True to his word, you're not alone anymore. At least not for long."
I only pale at her words.
"More like I never am." I correct.
I don't have any chance to myself now that Mykhol is home. Not anymore- he seems to find me wherever I am. Even if that is during breakfast, lessons- even supper time. He's always finding a way to come up next to me.
But I feel like this is too much- I don't even know if I can complain. Because Mykhol isn't being outwardly rude, it just looks like he wants to spend time with me.
A lot of time. I think with another low sigh. Again, Maddie must notice, and she bops my nose. I look up to see her cheeks are getting red from the cold.
"Yes, Mykhol is almost bordering on obsession." Maddie winks at me, but I don't laugh. I don't find this at all funny.
"Yeah, well…" I look down at my feet. They feel funny in winter shoes. I'm used to seeing my toes in sandals. I am not used to being covered up like this now.
When I wiggle my toes, I can feel the fur lining. It's rabbit fur from ALmony. We import it in exchange for the coffee beans.
"Ana?" Maddie now looks after me, concerned as I've grown quiet. She gets down to her knees with worry in her eyes.
"He is behaving himself, isn't he? He's not doing anything suspicious or improper?" Maddie looks in one eye and then the other- as if one could be lying.
I shake my head.
"So, he's just harmless, then," Maddie breathes in relief, and I feel her hands squeeze my shoulders before she gets up again. I see a wrinkle wave on her face as she stares.
Finally, she looks back at me and tucks my chin.
"Though, I don't think you like it any better." Maddie surmises, and I don't refute her. I can hear the crunch of footsteps. I half turn to see the short red hair bob as he approaches.
"He...is family." I lower my shoulders in defeat. I wanted this. I wanted to have more family.
I just...didn't think a family could come in this shade.
I see Mykhol stroll closer. He's wearing thick robes today. I wonder if he already knew I would be out here- because such layers take time to put on.
"How funny," I hear Maddie smirk. She's looking only at me with a strange eye.
"And this girl who received no attention is now overwhelmed by it—poor dear."
"Maddie," I scuff under my breath, but she pats my shoulder. I have no time to argue as Mykhol is within earshot.
"Long reign Empress Anastasia, " Mykhol is down on his knee with a hand over his heart. It's meant to be out of great respect- but I stiffen at the sight. I'd rather he be quick and let us return to being left alone.
But I know that won't happen. Not when he found me today. I likely won't get another moment to later tonight.
While I dread the coming day, Mykhol lifts his head to smile- his fangs lightly peaking out. It's a smile I've seen him make to the passing maids. They seem to be quite affected by it- they blush or quickly turn their heads to giggle.
I, however, see no need to make such expressions. I neither want to smile nor giggle. Instead, I feel myself grow pale.
My reaction seems to have the same effect on Mykhol. His smile falters as he watches my face freeze into place. But, whatever he expected- I seem to be immune to it.
Mykhol's baffled expression seems to switch to disappointment as he gets up. I share the feeling. But I expect it's over different matters.
Me, I just wanted to walk through the gardens with Maddie today.
It's been so long since we've had a chance to be alone together. My heart sinks with the thought. And today was less cold for a winter day- I had wanted to make the best of it with her. I'd like for us to walk together and talk.
I feel I have more on my mind now that Mykhol is in my life.
But again, it will have to wait. Mykhol is more demanding of my time and attention. He likes to put himself first.
"Cousin Mykhol, "I greet. Maddie tips her head with a curtsey.
"Lord Mykhol, good morning."
"Good morning, cousin," Mykhol is looking at me. He barely acknowledges Maddie. Something he seems to have the habit of doing. Maddie notes it, but she doesn't express anything about it.
I wonder how she feels about my cousin. I hope to ask her later.
"We meet again, cousin Mykhol. "I speak with more energy- as if surprised to find him finding me again.
"Indeed, dear cousin. I just came to enjoy the cool weather today by walking through the maze. I'm so surprised to find you here. "Mykhol throws another smile.
"Surprised, were you?" Maddie repeated with a less subtle tone. I throw her a quick look to see Maddie is just smiling. But it's not a warm smile- more like a business smile she makes around people she's not familiar with.
"Do you mind if I join?" Mykhol steps in.
"Walking with two is better than just being alone." Of course, he means to take the spot near my side- but that is where Maddie is intended to be. So, out of habit, I take a step back.
"Oh, I-" But I'm not alone.
Does he not see Maddie is with me? I glance over at Maddie. She's been with me this whole time. What does he mean by walking alone?
Maddie keeps her smile and steps back. She seems to catch on to the meaning before I do. When I see her move, a lump forms in my throat.
But I wanted it just to be us today.
I sink as I watch her take another step back. She seems not disturbed by the idea she is getting pushed out. Well, I'm not.
I want you to stay- I look at her with my eyes, but she shrugs with another step—meanwhile, Mykhol steps in to take her space.
And he is smiling with all his teeth.
"Yes, a good walk on a day like this." Mykhol goes, and I feel my shoulders drop. I have to turn to look forward.
I guess our walk is done now. I feel like I've been cheated.
So much for having time with Maddie.
"Of course, cousin. "I breathe out with my chest heavy.
"Then, shall we?" Mykhol smiles and quickly throws up his arm for me to take. I look after it quietly.
In truth, taking his arm is not that comfortable. The height difference between us is pretty diverse. His arm still rests over my head. So taking it is similar to me reaching up to climb a tree.
And I'd rather not.
But it'd be considered rude to refuse.
Ah. I feel myself give in but also feel drained at once.
I reach up to take his arm and feel uncomfortable reaching the high. It doesn't feel natural. And it makes it worse that we have to walk.
I'll be stumbling everywhere. I already see how I'm going to look if anyone catches us. It will look so ungainly, like I don't know how to. Like I'm some child.
But again, I have no way to refuse without looking rude.
"Lead the way, dear cousin. "Mykhol beams as he doesn't notice the strain on my face. He seems happy to be with me now.
Mykhol looks back to see Maddie.
"Do you mind? " He speaks with a wink. Maddie lifts a brow. But Mykhol doesn't miss a beat. He flutters his eyes.
"I'd like it if it were just us."
"Of course." Maddie nods after a moment and turns
"Maddie?" My voice is small as I feel myself sink further. Now Maddie is leaving us- my last consolation.
At least with her around, I could feel something grounding. Her presence gives me comfort. But now she is gone.
I can't even have that today.
"Cousin, "I start first. We have been walking a bit through the paths. Mykhol lifts his pointed ears as he hears my voice. He's wearing gold earrings today- two piercings in each ear.
"Yes, dear cousin? What is it?"
"You've been seeing me quite frequently since you've arrived. "I motion to the air.
"Have I?" Mykhol smiles as if the news is new.
"…" I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I have to pause to collect myself again.
"Don't you want to spend time with your family?"
"You are my family, cousin, " Mykhol returns and pats my hand.
"That's not-" I breathe to steady the irritation I feel throbbing behind my eye.
"I meant Aunt and Uncle. Your mother and father, don't you want to see them?"
Don't you want to spend time with them instead? This is the real question I am implying.
Because he is certainly not, he's been spending every day by my side- I haven't seen Aunt Funda or Uncle anywhere.
"I see them when I'm not with you. "Mykhol replies.
But you're always with me! I feel my eyes roll mentally.
How come you aren't with them!? When do you even see your parents? Don't you want to see them?
If I could, I would see my - Oh.
I stop the thought from going any further. It's not the time to think about that stuff now. It will only make me sad if I do.
"Then, have you not other things for yourself to do? "I try again.
"Perhaps books to read or- friends from your school? You could write to them. "
Indeed, you're not going to spend your entire break with me? I almost say. He's a teen- he must find hanging out with a child like me boring. He needs to have a better conversation- how can a seven-year-old engage him?
"But cousin, "Mykhol plucks a dried-out rose left over on the bush.
"I only want to know you better."
Mykhol moves to place the rose into my hair. He stares after it- I know he's looking at the color. But I don't feel the usual sneer that follows when everyone does. The awful silver color seems to make everyone else feel revolted.
Mykhol, however, makes an unreadable expression. It's not disgust but not warm, like when Maddie looks at me. Instead, it's something other- like he's observing it.
"So many years, we saw nothing of each other, cousin. I want to make up for that."
Surprised by his touch, I feel myself suck in some air. His fingers move to curl hair behind my ear. He's willing to touch it.
"Ah," I shiver and retreat a little. The touch tingles my ear- kind of like it itches. I move to cover it. Mykhol watches me before smiling again. It's a different smile. It's smaller, but I find it more natural.
"I want us to be closer."
Mykhol reaches to touch the dead rose he put in my hair. It crunches before a piece breaks off. He blows off the piece from my head.
"We are family, after all." He is leaning over me. His head is very close to my face, and I tense up. I try to ignore it and smile, but my eyes shift away from him.
"We are family, yes," I return. It's a solid reason. What Mykhol is saying- it would seem natural that he'd want us to grow closer.
That's what families are, aren't they? People who know each other?
It would be natural that he would want to know me better.
I console my strange unease. However, I feel my stomach start to churn. Something about the way he's still leaning so close has me unsettled.
I can't help but feel a need to step back- but he hasn't done anything. I have no reason to feel like this, but I do. And it's like my body is screaming to pull away. That there is a natural repulsion.
Why do I want to get away from you?