And the hell began.
Or it might have just continued.
For both of them.
Jiwook wasn't getting better. Actually the day he woke up was the least distressing of all the days that followed. And nights. The unbearable nights.
From the first night he woke up, nightmares were always tormenting him, which were mostly him reliving again and again that terrible day or memories of his brother stained with blood or even worse his own hands strangling his brother. His terrified screams every night broke his voice completely, it rang always now severely hoarse, like shreds of glass were in his throat, and he couldn't speak more than a few words a day. If he could at all.
His blindness, its meaning and impact wasn't fully grasped by Jiwook at the beginning. Only after a few days, with just his nightmares as his sole visible things and then everything dark, every time he woke up, Jiwook started to feel really fear. He was alarmed at every noise he heard, at every person who entered his room, always in a distressed and anxious state. He became very sensitive and vulnerable, his mind in constant anguish and thus weak and at risk of severe breakdowns and mental disorders attacks. The doctors were at loss for, even though his eyes had serious injures, it healed, his optic nerves were tested for more than enough times and it showed positive results, yet Jiwook couldn't see anything. They suspected or better said highly believed it to be only temporary and more connected with his psychological condition than the eyes itself, but after days and days of no change whatsoever, nothing was certain anymore.
His PTSD attacks got so severe, they had to sedate him at least twice a day, which greatly hindered his overall treatment. Jiwook was more asleep than awake, and even then, his mind was foggy so much, he sometimes wouldn't recognize Joohee, or would feel afraid and on guard with Joohoon or when Taemin would come, he'd mistake him for the real Siwon and be either overjoyed or on the contrary, annoyed and start to cuss at him. Only for later to remember the truth and realize what he did and have another breakdown.
The most difficult and tormenting times, where when Jiwook would suddenly ask to turn the lights on, even beg and cry out to take him outside of that dark room, that he was afraid, that he wanted to see Siwon, that the assaulters were keeping him in that dark room and he screamed out for help.
Two months.
And there was still no change.
No hope.
Jiwook was in bad condition, though at least when he slept under the drugs, he would rest for a bit and recover. However, for Joohoon there wasn't a single day, a single hour he could take a rest, even the fewest hours he slept weren't enough to make up for all the mental exhaustion, distress and concern he felt constantly for the younger.
He stayed all the time in the hospital and didn't leave Jiwook's side for more than 2-3 hours at most once a few days and only to shortly go home, change and come back right away. Joohoon witnessed and underwent every of the younger's outburst, every scream, every cry and breakdown, his every shift in mood or gap in his memories and the most unbearable times, that teared his heart apart again and again, were when Jiwook screamed. That tormented voice was ghosting his mind day and night, stabbing his heart like a poisonous dagger, it paralyzed him to the point he couldn't breathe from the heartbreaking pain.
Pain he couldn't endure anymore. Pain of watching his loving one in agony and only that, watching. As he could do nothing, absolutely nothing to help or ease Jiwook's suffering.
He tried at the beginning. He tried to talk with Jiwook, embrace, hold his hand, everything he could to make him feel safe and less afraid. Yet, nothing helped. Joohoon could only stay there close to Jiwook and watch, often without the younger even knowing he was there.
Joohoon was crushed and drained, mentally, physically. He couldn't eat or sleep properly. He was getting worse and worse, as that hell for him continued since the day Jiwook disappeared and until now, close to 3 months.
Even a person as tough as him, with his strong build and withstanding, close to impenetrable personality, was shattering. He lost even more weight, and his malnutrition, constant distress and anxiety, sleep depravation was overexerting his body beyond the limits. In those two months he collapsed for four times, the last happened on the stairs, when he hurried to get back to Jiwook and midway he fell two staircases down. He was lucky to get only a broken arm and concussion, yet even then, he refused to go home and stayed further with Jiwook. Lately only the IV could keep him standing and going, if his sister, the doctors or anyone forbid him to stay there any further, he would stay outside the hospital and not move an inch. So nobody tried to change his mind anymore. It was hopeless.
It was too cruel.
For both of them.
- Patient Han, I'm nurse Kim. I came to tell you, your rehab appointment today was changed to a later hour. Is that ok with you Mr. Han?
Jiwook flinched. Recently he would get often lost in thoughts and notice too late when someone approached him. They gave him less drugs now, as he was in risk to get addicted to it, so though he felt more tired these days, his mind was clearer.
And over time he was getting used. Not to being blind, or used to his dreadful nightmares, no, he never would, but he got used to not expect it to change. To lose hope every morning was now less frightening and hurting, as he gradually was accepting his blindness as it is.
Perhaps it was the price he should pay for everything he did. Though it never could be enough to pay for the life of his brother, what Jiwook went and was going through couldn't really equal the weight of his sins. He realized that.
And thinking like that, strangely made him breathe just a little bit easier. Or better said he was getting number to all the pain he felt.
He was tired. Very tired.
- ... yeah, ok.
The nurse made the usual check-ups and was about to help him with the usual cleaning routine, but Jiwook suddenly spoke.
- Nurse Kim. Please let me do it alone today... I have to learn to do things on my own. I think I can manage it.
Yeah, if he was to stay blind his whole life, he could as well try to get use to it.
The nurse was momentarily bewildered by Jiwook's words. Never once did he ask for anything or wished to do something, either he was rejecting everything and everyone during his attacks or quietly went along with all they told him, like a lifeless broken doll. So, seeing him on his own initiative to request to do something alone, was actually a good thing. She would share this with the doctor and hoped it was the sign they all waited for, which showed that his treatment was getting results and he was getting better.
"May this really work", prayed she, thinking of him and Joohoon, as almost everyone in that hospital knew and pitied the unfortunate pair. You couldn't watch them and not feel your heart squeeze at their misery and suffering.
- Sure Mr. Han. But only, if you promise to call me right away if you have a problem or it will get too hard. You shouldn't overexert yourself, said she taking his right hand to the arm watch on his left, where the "emergency" button was.
- I know, I know. I promise.
Jiwook assured her and with giving him the cane, she then left him alone.
He took a deep breath, then stood up, the cane in his hand. He started to step uneasily forward, gliding repeatedly the stick left and right to check his way. He was nearly two months in that same room and he didn't know where exactly was the bathroom, the door, the window, he could only vaguely tell, but he never even tried to memorize that. Well, now he must find it alone and be good and make sure to remember it then. Jiwook bumped a few more times in the wall before he found the doorknob. Finally after minutes that felt like hours he entered the bathroom. God, he wasn't used to be patient, and with how things looked right then, first things first he should learn that as well.
In the bathroom it was harder as there was not so much place for him to wave his cane and he should check everything with his hands. Again due to his rashness and impatience he hit his hands a few times, one was sure to get him a bruise, but overall it wasn't that bad. He managed to relieve himself without any issues (Thanks God!) and then slowly wash his hands and face, all well. He even brushed his teeth though he was positive he wasted half of the tube along the way.
He started to check and touch his hair and he was dumbfounded to find how long it was. His locks were reaching over his nose and shoulders from the back, he tried to fix it a bit by puling it at the side and behind his ear, actually it held just fine. He mimicked the way one was watching himself in the mirror, imagining from what he was touching with his fingers, how he could be looking like. It was strange to do this simplest thing he and everyone always did, yet feel it completely useless and funny even, in his current situation.
He kneeled down as his cane fell on the floor moments earlier and he needed it to get safely out of the bathroom. He found it in the end and was about to stand up, when he heard the door of his room opening slowly, as if careful and minding of him, to not scare him.
The visitor got inside and took place in the small couch designed for the guests, the curiosity of guessing who was it, made him miss the moment to step out and great them.
He was now on his knees on the bathroom's floor, picking noises that the guest did and guess what they were actually doing.
It seemed they were talking on the phone. Jiwook put his ear on the door though he didn't really need that as you could hear it very well even from the closed bathroom.
- I just got here. Jiwook has his appointment now and I could barely convince Oppa to go and do the check-up.
"Check-up? Is Joohoon hurt?", Jiwook asked himself while he recognized Joohee's voice.
- He wouldn't leave otherwise. These 2 months he didn't once sleep over at home. He looks so bad, I'm afraid for him, Taejoon-oppa. This time he was lucky to get only his arm broken but what if he'll collapse again and will hurt himself really bad? I'm so worried for him.
"Collapse? Again?", Jiwook's heart squeezed tightly and speeded up, shoked about it; how could that stone-strong mountain-like man collapse and hurt himself like that? And again? Did it happen more times?"
Jiwook griped the edges of his gown, never once after he woke up did he think of how the people around him were feeling, how Joohoon was. He had never noticed that the older got himself hurt or that something bad happened with him. He was so engrossed in his own misery, he didn't even ask. Not even once.
- ... Taejoon, he doesn't listen. Last time they forbid him to stay in the room, he stood all night outside of the hospital. Heavens, I tried everything, it's not working. At least now he get's regularly IV and doesn't throw up everything he eats.
"What?"
Jiwook's breath stopped.
- The doctor said if he doesn't get his meals regularly and a good rest, we shouldn't be surprised next time he collapse again.
Joohee's voice quivered a little, like she was trying to not burst out crying.
- Jiwook too... it's the same. He's not getting better. Oppa, I can't watch them suffering like this anymore. That is just so...so cruel.
Joohee broke in quiet sobs, unable to control her tears anymore. Jiwook winced at her muffled cries, cursing himself in his mind for it was his fault for being so oblivious to the people around him that were trying their best to help him and take care of him. God, how selfish he was.
- You're right. I'll stay strong for both of them. I promise. Thanks Oppa.
She stood up and was walking to the door.
- I wanted to buy something sweet for Jiwook before he'll come back. We'll talk later Taejoon-oppa.
She then left.
Jiwook sighed heavily, cane in his hand now, he stood carefully and made his way out of the bathroom. He reached his bed easier than the bathroom, with more practice, he'd get to manage it on his own pretty quickly. It wasn't that hard. He could have done it months ago and maybe would not have hurt so much the people he cherished.
He got on the bed, sat up and put his cane close to his side. Minutes after he heard the door opening again.
He thought it was Joohee coming back and wanted to call out for her, but he stopped himself as the way that person let himself in was so familiar, so quiet and careful, like they were entering a shrine not a hospital room.
He knew who it was.
- Joohoon.
He didn't ask. He was sure it was him.
He looked in his direction though he could see only darkness, he tried to picture Joohoon, in warm sunlight just like that autumn day they spent in the park. He was so beautiful, with his locks messy from the wind and his own hands playing with it, eyes looking only back at him, fingers caressing his cheek. A bear honest smile was then shyly glued on his face, as if he couldn't hide it. Not from Jiwook. Not anymore. The time when Jiwook really thought Joohoon looked happy.
Silence.
It seemed Joohoon just froze on the spot, not knowing if it was really happening or if it was just another daydream his mind played mercilessly only to trick him.
- Joohoon, please, come to me.
Jiwook was smiling, his long locks were neatly put behind his ears and thus his unearthly now glowing blue eyes were looking at Joohoon, his hand stretched out for him to take it.
Tears started to fall unwillingly. Joohoon couldn't breath properly as he made a step than another, faster and faster to take Jiwook's hand and embrace his warmth. The way Jiwook did when he found him at the bus station. Now it was him that dashed to Jiwook's side, back to his rightful place, to his home, his happiness, his everything.
For a second he believed that Jiwook's sight got back.