Joohoon run to Jiwook, took his hand and almost crushed him in his embrace, only at the last second, he remembered that the younger was still a patient and held himself just for a little bit, his arms too late to follow his thoughts, wrapped tightly around the other's back as though with no intention to ever let him go. He buried his face in the crook of Jiwook's neck to breathe in his sunlight-like smell, to engulf himself in Jiwook's warmth, to touch his skin, to feel him alive.
Real.
Finally.
Joohoon's hold, its tightness, carried a longing so strong, a silent desperation that Jiwook never once thought he would receive from anyone, nevertheless from Joohoon. He sunk in the elder's embrace and he remembered: his mind, his body, it was craving for the other's warmth just as much. God, how long was it since he was that close with Joohoon, since their last hug, last time they held their hands? How could he forget that he was missing Joohoon's touches and warmth all this time?! How could he be unaware of how much he and his body needed, craved for the other?! And now with Joohoon holding him like that, he shivered, like something just ignited inside of him, his heart beating fast enough to burst.
- Ji…wook. Jiwook! Jiwook…
Joohoon was calling out his name again and again like he still wasn't sure if Jiwook was real or not before him. The younger's heart squeezed so much upon seeing that shattering, vulnerable side of Joohoon, as though he held in his hands Joohoon's soul bared, with no shields and walls, no pretenses, no appearances or acting. The elder stripped his heart and gave it to Jiwook willingly, eagerly, for him to crush it if he wished or care for it instead.
- Jiwook, I missed you so much.
Though his voice was so weak and quiet, partially muffled in Jiwook's shoulder, the other heard it. He couldn't hold his tears as everything he heard from Joohee about her brother rushed to his mind and he understood only then, how much he hurt Joohoon, how great was his pain if he was breaking in front of him for Jiwook to gather the pieces.
Jiwook caressed the elder's back, patted his hair, rubbing his cheek on it and dropping now and then feather-light kisses.
Joohoon nuzzled in his neck like he wasn't getting enough of it, the younger pulled him down to lay in bed with him, still stroking his back softly. He expected that bear-like weight of the elder on top of him, yet his eyes widened in shock at how light the other felt. He moved his hand slowly up and down as if to check with his touches Joohoon's body and winced at how different it felt from his memories. It scared him how thin the elder became. He couldn't see yet he wanted at least to touch and feel everything he could to know better how Joohoon was then. Jiwook put unconsciously his hands under Joohoon's shirt, gliding his fingers on the other's skin so warm to his touch.
The elder flinched. He rose a little, questioning eyes looked down at the younger's clear blue eyes that watched him back. Or not? He wasn't sure. Jiwook behaved so differently than all those past days, like nothing happened. Just like it was before the assault.
He had times when he was temporarily forgetting certain memories and would suddenly carry himself coldly like in the past, before they got close, yet now he felt like it wasn't the case. Joohoon was afraid to find out the right answer. Afraid that it could be just another merciless episode, which will end with Jiwook pushing him away again or even worse, him screaming and crying right in front of him.
He was drowning in that heavenly blue, lost in thoughts for a while, his right hand which still was wrapped in the cast the doctor just changed today, made him wince in pain.
- You're hurt, aren't you?
Jiwook asked worried, his both hands reached Joohoon's face and cupped it.
The elder was taken aback, he was close to swear that Jiwook could see again, if not, how did he find that out?
- Will you show me?
Joohoon sat up and helped Jiwook as well, then he held out his broken hand for Jiwook to see, but the other's eyes never left him. Jiwook was looking right at him as if he couldn't see anything beside him, not even the cast on the hand Joohoon just moved in front of the younger.
It wasn't that Jiwook didn't see anything else. He couldn't see anything to begin with.
He was still…
Joohoon put his trembling hand on his face, God, how stupid he was, he could have made a great mistake just now, only because Jiwook looked him in his eyes. A second ago his heart was about to burst thinking that Jiwook could see again, and now it was crushing in pain at having his hope crumbled.
He took Jiwook's hand and lead him to the cast on his right hand.
- How did it happen?
What should he say? He got a little dizzy? Had a misstep and fell down the stairs? He could go and lie, however, he didn't want to. Not then Jiwook was asking like that.
He chose to stay shut.
Jiwook touched it very carefully, making soft traces on his hand as to check how serious the injury was.
- Does it hurt?
- No.
At least that was a truth he could say.
Jiwook moved his hands slowly to the other's chest, at times tapping lightly, at times brushing and stroking Joohoon's every line, his eyes fixed, very focused on what he was doing, as if he tried to picture vividly in his mind, what he just touched and felt.
- You're lying. You're hurt. Very hurt, Jiwook said with an anxious voice, his hand stopped on the elder's heart and he leaned to him, resting his forehead on Joohoon's chest. – Did you forget that I know it even without you telling me? I know you're in pain… Your heart "told me".
Joohoon was overthrown. He remembered very well the day Jiwook said he was happy, even though he himself didn't know he looked like that. That time Jiwook said the same words. The elder had no idea how Jiwook could find out those things he himself wasn't sure about, yet somehow he did and Joohoon was at loss for words.
- You look very bad!, Jiwook suddenly said with an incredulous tone, looking again right in Joohoon's eyes.
It seemed he knew exactly where Joohoon's eyes were and it was a miracle nonetheless that he could always find his eyes.
Jiwook put his hands on the elder's face again, stroking his cheeks, and upon noticing something cold at the corner of Joohoon's eyes, he wiped then his tears gently.
- Just look at you. You're just skin and bones, where are all your ridiculous bulky muscles? And your face, why is it so scrawny? Your chest too, it's so bony, I can't rest my head on it! So you'll know, even if I can't see, I can touch you just fine, and I don't like a skinny and weak body-
Chuckles.
Joohoon was as dumbfounded as really amused by Jiwook's sudden attack over his physical appearance.
- Hm, he nodded – how do you like it then?
Jiwook wasn't letting the elder faze him, not one bit, even with his face getting all red.
- I l-like a gorgeous body with good lean muscles and firm thighs, and sturdy shoulders that can carry a whole fridge on it, hmm what more…
Jiwook made a thoughtful face, describing all nuances of his ideal body type, a hand under his chin and his eyebrows knotted in the process, of course his blush getting only deeper – it was a sight Joohoon admired with a hunger and joy beyond everything. His smile got deeper as he was rejoicing with all his heart, how Jiwook was finally speaking so freely, calmly and so much, carrying a sample chitchat, talking with him, asking him… God how he missed that.
He chuckled again. Well, he wasn't sure he could carry a fridge right then, that's for sure.
- Arms! Very strong though maybe not too bulky, it will be over the top.
Joohoon pulled Jiwook close to himself in those said strong arms, that wrapped itself quietly around the younger, hugging him from his back like bear.
- Over the top, repeated Joohoon with a low honeyed voice, somewhat too close to Jiwook's ear, making the other shiver and involuntarily sink deeper in his embrace.
- Yes. The back should be broad and tough, oh, but not too broad of course…
- Of course.
Jiwook turned to the elder's front, sliding his hands once more under his shirt, as if he needed to feel it, every line and muscle on Joohoon, to describe him better, because it was so obvious that it was all about Joohoon, that the elder didn't even have to ask that. He was pleased almost over the moon with the way Jiwook crafted that spicy and lovely sketch of him, well of his body to be more exact.
He whispered in the other's ear with his syrupy voice, and willingly or not, pulled Jiwook down on top of him, as he took his place in bed and let the younger wander with his hands to his heart's content.
- And the torso, mm, slim but also looking all solid and hot, and then you touch it, it tenses under your hand like… this…
Well, Joohoon was now almost half undressed and while Jiwook, not only was touching him in every gently way, but was trying to breathe in the elder's smell, his lips dangerously close to the other's skin, Joohoon's breath was becoming heavier and heartbeat risking to get too loud.
- Like… what…?
Jiwook straightened up, yet left his hands on top of the elder's chest, drawing a thin line from his chest slowly, very slowly down his torso, and even lower.
Joohoon couldn't help it and dropped a muffled sigh, his whole body like struck with lightning, shivered at the rousing touch.
- Yes. Just like this, Jiwook sounded so damn cocky, his smile stretched in a mischievous way, pleased that he got such a sound from Joohoon, for driving him that excited, thirsty even. - Oh! And absolutely not a towering height.
- What should I do then? This one I can't change, Joohoon smiled back in a silly way looking forward to the younger's answer.
Jiwook dropped his head down to the elder's neck.
- Hmm, yeah that is certainly a problem, he continued to nudge, taking delight in feeling Joohoon's heartbeat so vividly pulsing beneath his hot skin and shuddered breath whenever his lips glided on it. – Well, there's nothing we can do about it. /sigh/ I guess I'll have to bear with it.
Jiwook said with a dejected tone, though it surely didn't match his wide smile and eyes closed in two lovely crescents hidden now in the falling locks. He moved higher until he found Joohoon's lips and sealed it with his own, the impact so great that he felt like an invisible energy charged at him and run through his whole body, melting his bones, devouring all his strengths. He slowly fell flat on top of the other, not breaking their kiss, of course not, only deepening it.
- How generous of you, Joohoon smiled in between the starving kisses, barely in control to stop and not go further than just the sweet, enticing and so, so tempting kisses.
Jiwook was shivering in his arms yet his body was radiating such a burning heat, Joohoon was pulled into it with all the hunger and desperation of his own body. It was like he was frozen numb to his bones until a moment ago and only with the younger's warmth he could feel human again. He could breathe, feel alive again and have his senses reawaken.
And it was blissful.
For nothing and no one could ever make him feel more alive than right that moment, with a warm and smiling Jiwook melting in his arms.
He felt now just like on his first (only - really?!) date with Jiwook, when he could barely control himself and urge his body to unclasp away from the younger's embrace and not take him outside, right in front of his grandma's house. Oh dear, how he succeeded at that, was now a wonder to him.
And now it was the same, no, actually, the need and desire was only stronger. How he wished he'd had locked the door behind him… never mind, better they were in another place, quite and beyond any eyes, altogether.
Sigh.
Joohoon forced himself to take a breath and hold back his rushing blood in his veins before there would be no turning backs. It worked somehow, but not without a displeased moan from Jiwook, when the elder broke the firing torrent of kisses, which were not so innocently changing into something more. And God, what would Joohoon not give for that more right there, right then.
He sighed again and squeezed tightly and gently alike, the nested menace in the crook of his neck, his good hand caressing softly the other's nape.
Jiwook relaxed in his arms and silently accepted his unlucky fate, recalling where then they were.
He refused to blush.
Though he still wanted to do, to say anything to prove just how much he wished they would have that moment only for themselves.
- I love you.
Jiwook's voice was barely a whisper, damped by the elder's now reddening neck with the pulse underneath jumping in a frenzied way, that surely wasn't good for his health. Joohoon's breath died in his throat as the words clashed almost physically with him and his whole inner world.
All the painful memories rushed to his mind, all the terrifying images of Jiwook, his heartbreaking screams of pain, his crushing tears, his harrowing blood scattered over his abused body, his heart-wrenching face contorted in horror and fear as he couldn't see the light, couldn't see anything, the stabbing thought that he should, must have protect him, to prevent all that yet he failed. He failed to save him, his last hope for happiness and thus, failed to save himself.
He wouldn't dream, wouldn't dear even to attempt to ask for forgiveness, as his cursed name Jiwook was crying out in his nightmares was never ceasing and always a reminder of his failure. Failures. Horrible mistakes. Sins that he must atone all his life and more.
Yet… here he was, blessed with the very words he forsook himself to hear it ever again. Joohoon was shattered whole and if not for the sturdy surface underneath him, he would have fell and crumbled down like struck to death.
Still, he was living.
And the words meant far too much for it to be only some ghost whispers of his craving soul, it felt so, so real.
- Joohoon… I really do. I wanted to say that when I was… "dying" was the unspoken word and they both knew it. - I just… I thought… I wasn't sure if it was right, Jiwook was struggling with his words and the frozen stillness of the sole person those words were meant to, was absolutely unnerving. - I mean… if you would have wanted to hear it… from me.
- I did. And I do. I'll never stop from wanting to hear it, Joohoon's small voice was naked with such a consuming intensity and raw clash of feelings that it almost startled Jiwook.
- … I can't live without you Jiwook and if that's love, then I'm the greediest man in this world and nothing, not even yourself, could stop me from loving you.
. . .
Later, after waiting in the insufferable long queue at her favorite pastry shop, Joohee returned with the delightful lovely cakes to Jiwook's room, only to find the most blissful sight she ever saw.
Joohoon and Jiwook were sleeping quietly in each other's arms, with a serene peacefulness that she lost all hope to ever see, on both of the boys' faces. For that was the first time both of them would sleep through with no nightmares to stain it.
A mischievous muffled giggle and a few clicks resounded, as someone just couldn't pass by and not preserve the heavenly sweet sight before them, especially if that someone was Joohee starved for months of her most endearing pair and their adorable cuddles.