Chereads / Love of a Sinner (BL) / Chapter 38 - Ch 38 "Answers" pt. 2 (Mother)

Chapter 38 - Ch 38 "Answers" pt. 2 (Mother)

triggers: mention of rape, self-harm

Taemin looked intently at Jiwook, nervous, worry vibrating around him, ready to jump for action if anything like yesterday was about to happen. Jiwook insisted to talk with his parents in less than a hour that day, but also because now, he asked for the tapes, they could find with the three persons that matched the VIP kidnaper's profile and voice. The hacker run through all his algorithms and the three were what he came up with, and because of their high position and tight security on their private affairs, it was harder to check their backgrounds, especially regarding those kind of things. Not impossible certainly, but it took longer.

Once Jiwook heard the whole deal with their search, he was determined to listen to the tapes and the recording of the kidnapping, hoping to recognize it himself. To help with something.

He was horrified that there was a video recording with what they did to him and more so, felt shamed and humiliated, but somehow, he still took it all in. He almost fell in another seizure, when he found out that Joohoon knew about it and precisely how he looked watching it. Jiwook barely held in and forced himself to calm down, before an attack came. There was too much to be done that day and he had no time to lose with breakdowns.

Taemin, though, was sure that was a bad idea. He tried to make the younger do that another time, but Jiwook was unmovable and now he looked at him shivering, body stiff, nails digging the fabric of his pants, knuckles all white, just as his face and lips bleeding by how hard he bit into it.

That was a very bad idea. This thing, they should do it with a professional, a therapist by Jiwook side. It was dangerous in his state and he could see that it was doing an enormous strain on Jiwook's body and mind.

Yet here he was, giving in to Jiwook's request again and handing him the tapes.

It was a close thing, again. Jiwook barely managed to keep his breathing steady enough to not choke right there, while he listened to the recordings. Taemin put on only the parts the kidnaper spoke, so that the younger wouldn't hear the whole recording. Thanks God he didn't ask about it. Taemin himself wasn't ready to watch or even listen to it any time soon, better never. However, he knew, not watching it was more in thought for Jiwook, because he would always remember it. All of it. What they said and did to him, how he fought. What happened...

What could happen to him, to Yoon Taemin.

- It's really different. Though the voices match somehow, they all sound different from him. It's like it's purposely spoken in a more neutral way. That time, he was speaking higher, sharper, he sounded very annoyed, but at the same time, excited too.

He thought for a moment.

- I think we'll not get much of it... What about... drawing his face? I would try my best to recall and describe it...

Yeah, that was certainly a far more efficient way, but none had wanted to propose it and make Jiwook willingly remember everything. Maybe later but not now. Not then it was only a few days back then he was screaming for help, fighting anyone who tried to approach him.

Even those tapes were already a big risk, and Joohoon will kill him when he'll find out.

He sighed.

- Jiwook, we thought about it, but it's okay to take time. You still aren't fully recovered. As you can see there was no police here since you woke up. The doctors forbid them to talk with you about the case. For a good reason, Jiwook.

- But-

- Jiwook, the psychologist said that under the stress, things could get mix up and there is no way to verify it because you...

He abruptly stopped, but Jiwook continued for him.

- I'm blind.

Yeah, so much for delicacy, thought Taemin.

Jiwook said it casually, like it was an annoying inconvenience and not a handicap he still had to learn and live with it for his entire life.

- We can try later. We have time...

Jiwook didn't look persuaded, if anything, more unsettled, yet he let it go for now.

- I don't have time...

It was such a quiet whisper, like said more for himself than to someone and Taemin didn't catch it either.

- Jiwook, Sweetheart, hello, how are you today? Look what we brought, your favorite-

His mother, followed by his father suit, entered the room, she was stepping quickly as if excited by some good news, but instantly froze in place and all of it faltered, when she realized her mistake. Jiwook didn't really mind it, it happened often, even he made mistakes like that in his rush to say something or out of habit, only for seconds later to recall he was blind after all. It was harder for the people around him. His mother especially. For an insignificant mistake like that, she was slaying herself for days, and cried, and chastised herself by not eating or overworking. She, of course, tried always to hide it all in his presence, but even blind Jiwook noticed. His father wasn't doing any better. Seeing his wife in so much pain and distress every day, beside his own, and both his children on the verge of death, failing to protect his family and home, was a hard blow to him too. Jiwook honestly was shocked to hear him gulping down sobs quietly, in secret, when he thought Jiwook was asleep, and nobody was there to see him.

Jiwook broke his family irreparably and now he was about to step mercilessly even on the remaining shards, turning it to dust and impossible to ever piece together. Only the thought of it made his blood run cold and heart clench too tightly to breathe. How he wished they would remain in the dark, knowing nothing, let them believe in the illusion that their family could once more be happy or at least be.

However, he couldn't, it would be selfish, greatly so, and cruel to them.

And he was the only one who had to do it. Only him.

- It's ok mum. What do you have there?

He tried to shrug it off, and soothe her distress. It wouldn't be good to have them like that for what was yet to come.

Shameless, he knew.

His mother seemed to gather herself and force back her trembling sobs, his father coming closer in silent support.

- It's a toy building block set for a plane. Your mother remembered you liked it very much, when you were younger and this model was what you wanted for a long time, but I think it was out of stock then. We thought... maybe...

It made Jiwook smile bitterly, how intricately his parents remembered his childhood wishes. He for one forgot about that entirely. For a long time now, he never requested anything from them.

He had everything before he even wished for it.

- I like it. I think I remember the design and it would be a challenge to build it. Thank you mum, dad.

A genuine smile rose on his face, softening his expression and unknown to them, lulling his disquiet, relaxing him considerably.

His parents sighed in relief and the air eased around them.

- Siwon, dear, thanks for being here and helping your brother.

From the direction of her voice, she seemed to have come to Taemin's side to hug him or stroke his cheek, as was her habit. She when turned and slowly put her both warm hands on Jiwook's, stroking it too, gently.

His father took his other, his grip a little more firm but nonetheless equally gentle.

- Your doctor spoke to us on our way here. He has good news; your results are promising and soon you can come home-

- Before that..., Jiwook interrupted feeling strangled by their rising enthusiasm - I have something to say to you.

- Sure dear, anything, his mother replied starting to tuck his blanket carefully, not without ruffling his hair lovingly before her usual routine of fussing around Jiwook.

Jiwook fidgeted now with his hands nervously, as if it lacked action, every line of his body stiff and tensed.

- Can we... can we go somewhere else...?

The way he was laying in the bed, it made him look too vulnerable, he didn't need that.

He turned to where he knew was Taemin, pleading eyes and feeling stupid for not discussing about it with him beforehand.

- I know a good place, quickly added Taemin catching the younger's thought.

They reached an isolated corner of the lobby room, made to give privacy and comfort to the patients' family get-togethers and chatter. Jiwook was led to take place in a plushy couch, where he then quickly gripped Taemin's hand, making him sit down with him, and thus his parents took the other one, in front of them.

Jiwook felt the warmth of sunlight tickling his skin, that meant there was a big wall-glass beside them, and he closed his eyes for a moment, taking in a huge inhale of air.

- You need to know something. About me... about what I did... to Siwon.

Taemin froze near him like lightening just stroke though him.

- L-last year... what happened to Siwon, it... it wasn't an accident.

He heard a gasp.

And he didn't know whom it belonged, but for one, he felt Taemin gripping tightly his hand back in silent yet so loud and evident question.

He firmly held his back.

"I need to do this."

Even though, his voice shivered, betraying his rising fear and unease.

- Siwon... I... it was all my fault.

There was confusion in the heavy air, he felt it without seeing anything and now he wasn't sure how he felt about not seeing his parents' reaction, lucky or miserable to not be able to see what his words did to them.

He felt though, he had to.

See the hate in their eyes.

- Jiwook, dear, what do you mean, Siwon is-

- I- I made him-... I tricked him, I was envious of him, I always was. He wanted to help, he saw how anxious I felt, he wanted to sincerely help me...

His voice quivered greatly and he barely held back his tears.

He had no right to cry. Not right then. Not at that moment.

- Dear, wait-

- He was raped... and abused.

The words burnt and were heavier than melting metal in his mouth, chocking him and it blew the air out of both his parents and Taemin as well. He didn't let time to heal the blow.

- It was my fault, I sent him there, alone. I knew what they would do to him. That-that's why I send him there. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to see him in pain, to cry, to beg me for help.

Chuckles. Cold, merciless, and broken. Gasps close to bring his tears out, while it stretched his lips in a twisted, pained way, upwards.

- I wanted to make him fall so low, so he wouldn't look at me with his innocent, eager eyes, to think he could help me-

- Jiwook please-

- He didn't even know I did it to him. Ha-ha, he believed me until the end and came to me when everyone turned away from him. But he didn't know I was the one. I send all the photos and the recording of how they abused him through the whole school, they all despised him, they felt disgusted, they bullied him and laughed. He was so desperate nobody would believe his words; he came to me then. He cried, he begged, he was on his knees before me, I was his last hope-

- Jiwook stop!

- He was crying, suffering, and in so much pain, he was breaking before my eyes and I was laughing. I was laughing!

He laughed dryly then too, his voice grew so high, he was screaming now and crying, yet his twisted smile stayed, more a grimace now, stretched on his face than anything close to a smile. His whole body trembled violently and it wasn't sure from fear, rage, crying or sheer pain.

- Siwon stop him-

- SIWON DIED!

Everything stilled then. His parents certainly too shocked to even gasp. Taemin felt his heart drop as well.

- Siwon killed himself. I made him. I killed him-

There was a sudden burning slap on his face, that for a moment shut him up. It was heavy, so heavy, it felt like his bones broke, yet it wasn't enough.

He welcomed it. The physical proof of their hate. He needed more.

- Siwon, please, your brother need help right now, call the doctor-

His father tried to say, a trembling and bare agony in his voice that Jiwook never thought he was able to show, after all, his father was the most composed person he ever knew. To hear him like that, it was shattering everything inside of him.

Jiwook gripped Taemin's arm with his other hand, keeping him in place and perhaps to ground himself, because he felt he would collapse any next moment.

- No! NO! It's not a lie. It's the truth! Tell them, tell them!

Jiwook turned to Taemin, shaking him with even more shaking hands, as if trying to wake him up from his trance.

- Siwon-

- Tell them please.

Taemin looked at the horrified adults in front of him, eyes wide and begging to dismiss it all, to tell them it wasn't true - a delusion maybe that Jiwook made himself in his frail state.

- Please!

And then the helpless, imploring eyes of Jiwook, now drowning in tears and looking right at him, strangely how he could find Taemin's look and hold it so unwavering, with a force so great, Taemin's air was knocked out of his lungs. He saw a rough, crushing pain and grief for everything the younger lost or was about to lose, yet he pleaded still.

- Please!

Taemin felt like he pleaded for the opposite of what his voice asked. Jiwook's whole breaking expression and presence was craving for him not to say it.

Jiwook gripped tighter, his knuckles white, tears falling on his own hand now and it shook Taemin deeply. Like it was charged with lightening.

Jiwook muttered silently - "Tae-min."

Taemin jerked. He was so immersed in it all, he forgot himself. He wasn't Han Siwon. It shouldn't affect him.

Yeah, it shouldn't!

But it was. And Taemin was in shock of his own conflicting feelings. The right thing to do, the one, he, Yoon Taemin, would since long ago choose without a second thought - was to tell the whole dirty truth and be done with it. Yet now he hesitated, he didn't want to break this family any further, even more the hope they had, as selfish as it was for him. He would never be their family, he was in the stolen body of their child, he was the intruder, still he cared. He couldn't for the life of him, make himself, his own mouth utter the simple, plain truth. Do the right thing.

Do what he always had done.

And suddenly, Taemin understood why Jiwook insisted for him to come with him. He knew they wouldn't believe him. Honestly, he wouldn't ever. Not after everything that happened with the younger and the aftermath of it.

But also, because he believed in Taemin. In his "right" choice.

For once in his life Taemin wanted so much to do the wrong thing. To close his eyes to the truth.

He threw his other hand on his forehead with a loud slap, his fingers digging deeply, about to yank his hair.

- Fuck!

- S-siwon what you...

Ms. Han seemed in shock of seeing her older son swearing for the first time in her life, and his distress and visible hesitation was flashing all the red flags in her head.

"That couldn't happen. It couldn't be that she didn't know her own children, could it? Since when... since when did her boys change so much... How did she fail to notice that? How could a mother not see?!"

- Siwon, please look at me and answer me, please. What Jiwook just said, is... it's all a lie, right?

With inhuman calm and a strength, she didn't really have right then, she approached them both, fell on her knees and took their hands in hers. She kissed both her boys' hands, remembering the very first time she touched their tiny baby hands and the pure delight and happiness she felt rushing through her - the promise she swore on her life, to give everything for her boys and make them happy. She smiled now too, just like then, the hope still burning in her heart.

Jiwook turned slowly and looked down, where he felt his mother's hold and kiss on his hand, picturing her on his knees crying, yet smiling with all the love she had for them.

Something crashed inside of him.

Something died.

- M-mother...

He should be there on his knees, begging, crying, pray for them, for his mother not for forgiveness he would never be allowed to beg, but for the right to still call her his mother.

- Mother...

Taemin fell in awe and horror at that sight, at that trembling woman, at the mother that he never had, that he never knew, mother, that didn't abandon him, that didn't leave him forever.

Mother that loved him.

She looked at him, at them both, like her whole world was reduced on them two and only they ever mattered for her.

- M...mo-ther...

It was Taemin's voice this time. And he was terrified of what he just said, and more so, of his wish to call her that.

Her husband kneeled beside her, pulling her side in a half hug to support her and wrap her shivering body.

- Dear...

She didn't budge. She was still smiling, eyes so wide and hopeful.

...

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

Both her sons whispered not meeting her eyes, Jiwook couldn't, but Taemin... no, they both dropped their eyes low in regret and shame, unable to hold her gaze.

Her hope.

They apologized for breaking her hope.

She realized.

- It's true.

Said her oldest and they both took slowly their hands out of her hold. The warmth that was just there a moment ago, vanished.

And she had a dreadful feeling then.

That she will never feel that warmth again.

That it was gone.

Forever.