Jiwook stayed.
He stayed for a long time.
He stayed after his father succeeded to coerce his unmovable, stone-frozen mother to slowly lean to him and he took her away. He seemed to hesitate the last moment, like he wanted to say or do something, or perhaps he felt like he had to do something, yet had no idea what exactly. He didn't sigh, even his breathing was too quiet, like all the life force vanished from them both and he too didn't make any sound for Jiwook to pick up and interpret. Nothing. Stillness.
Only muffled steps slowly fading out of the room.
Jiwook stayed.
He stayed a long while after Taemin left as well. The other was so shaken, Jiwook heard it through the way he moved himself. So slowly. Painfully slow. He didn't say anything either, and seemed to just go without his father's hesitation in his steps or to turn to Jiwook. He left like he couldn't see anyone and anything around him.
Jiwook stayed still there.
There, where his father slapped him for the first time and it stung. Not the wound. His father's voice.
There, where his mother kissed his hand on her knees and smiled at him perhaps for the last time and it hurt. Because he didn't see it. He didn't see the boundless love for him in her eyes all those years. Blind then, more than now. Only now he felt it, with her trembling hands tightly holding his.
The love that seemed to shatter Taemin.
There, where Taemin was ready to lie for him. He felt it in the stillness and unwillingness to answer, to hurt any of them, so clear in the tension of his body. There, where Taemin called for mother.
There, where Siwon wasn't.
There, where the sunlight didn't warm him anymore.
There, where he lost his home forever.
…where he didn't want to leave.
For a long, long time.
Someone made him stand later, yet his trembling legs gave out under him. He was put in a wheelchair and they talked to him. They made a short check up on him and he might had been vaguely aware that it was the nurse in charge of him. He was nodding absentmindedly to their questions. He even muttered an "I'm-tired" and they left him to rest. He stayed inertly further so for a while.
Until he didn't.
He took his pillow and stepped towards the bathroom in his room, hitting his hand just a few times on his way. He went in shower fully dressed with pillow in hand, letting cold water run over him. Then he felt iciness seeking deeply in his bones, freezing his blood and numbing his heart, he closed it. He glided down and fell, lifting his knees to his chest.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…
Don't forgive me Siwon…
Mother… I'm so sorry… Father…
Siwon… I miss you, I miss you so much…
His tears were hidden in his wet face, wet hair and clothes, wet pillow. He brought it closer and muffled his face.
He screamed.
Again and again.
He chocked once, unable to breathe, fighting another attack.
Then twice… and thrice… until he couldn't make the difference between his crying, words, screams, gasps and chocking. It all hurt the same.
He let himself grieve. The last time.
He will never cry for them again.
He swore.
Only then. Only once. He felt too broken to keep all that pain inside. It strangled him. It scorched his heart.
So, he would scream his pain one last time… only once more.
____________________________
- Yes?
- Are you with Jiwook?
Joohoon paused, frowning, the question unexpected from the one calling him.
- No. He made me stay home today. Why?
Min Siwoon, or Min Woojin more exactly as Joohoon came to know, sighed in the speaker, his uneasiness passing quickly through to Joohoon.
- I'm not sure. Taemin… he came back and… He's…, Woojin gulped heavily – he's acting very strange.
Joohoon didn't reply to that and let the other add after a heavy breath.
- I don't know Joohoon, I never saw him like that. He looks shaken more than I ever saw him, he doesn't tell anything, hell, he even moves so slowly and dazed like he's on drugs and no, he isn't on any... It's bad, Joohoon.
Woojin's voice was gaining more and more anxiety in it or he just let it reveal that much. Both were disturbingly not siting well on Joohoon's mind.
He was about to ask, but Woojin answered before he even started.
- He was all day with Jiwook today.
Joohoon stilled. He was already on his way to put his shoes, now stopped midair, only his heartbeat increasing in speed.
- When he went there, he said Jiwook wanted to talk with his parents and he asked Taemin to come with him. He didn't really say why, but it was something about Jiwook's condition, I think. Yesterday, he was worried about it, I know.
Joohoon made himself take a breath and remember that Jiwook is at the hospital, that he was safe and whatever that happened with him, or Taemin for the matter, could be fixed. Jiwook was getting better, he saw it with his own eyes, even the doctor agreed with it. It will be ok. All will be fine.
He repeated it again and again and tried to make himself believe in it, even though he was rushing now, already out of the house and catching a cab.
Talk with parents and with Taemin by Jiwook side sounded all wrong to Joohoon, but more than that he focused on the second - Taemin was worried about the younger's condition. That meant something was wrong with Jiwook and he didn't know about it. That was his miss, he should have look more carefully after him.
- I'm on my way to Jiwook to check on him…, he paused for a moment, then added – if Taemin says something, then call me. If he doesn't get better, Woojin, bring him to hospital. They would know how to help him.
Woojin hesitated, but his answer came clear the next moment.
- Ok, I will. Joohoon…
- Yes.
- He will be alright… Jiwook I mean.
Joohoon swallowed, closing his eyes, his fists clenched tightly, still he made himself trust now Woojin words as well, not only his own.
- Yes. I'll make sure of it.
- Good.
Woojin hung up and Joohoon was left to watch his screen, where a smiling Jiwook with clear blue eyes looked back at him with an ease in his expression, naked happiness over it, something Joohoon missed so much, he was afraid he would never see it fully back again. He didn't know then, how precious it was until he lost it. He prayed. Oh, he prayed day and night and now Jiwook finally talked to him. He smiled to him, rarely. Very rarely, but it was so beautiful and striking, Joohoon was breathless every time.
Yes, it wasn't the end. They will overcome it. Together. He will do everything for that.
For Jiwook to be happy again.
He would have believed it a foolish wish two days ago, but now it changed. Jiwook changed. And then…
Jiwook loved him. More than that, he even said him he loved him. Joohoon couldn't hide his small smile at that. It gave him so much strength, so much trust and hope, those three words, but hearing it from Jiwook himself after everything he went through, the whole pain and suffering, God, he didn't even dare dream of it.
And now… heavens, only Jiwook could turn his life to 180 degrees with a single word or a smile, making everything, even the air somehow lighter for Joohoon to breathe. Oh, he fell hard. His old self would have laugh at him if he saw him now. Or knock some sense in him. Maybe. Yet he couldn't really change how he felt. Sometimes it got so intense, so overwhelming, up to word shaking for him, that it scared him - feeling so much, so fiercely. Be it pure happiness, bone-wrecking pain or maddening dread.
However, he would never want to change back to how he was before. Get back to the monster he was before he fell for Jiwook. Never.
Even for all the shattering pain and devastation he had felt and still was feeling, he wouldn't give up on this. On him and Jiwook. Because it was hard to put it in words what they were. Or what they could be.
He was very selfish, he knew, but if Jiwook accepted him, he would do everything. He would fight to protect it, until his last breath he will.
After all he vowed it in his confession. And he meant every word of it.
He will always choose Jiwook.
Even if Jiwook would leave him.
He shook his head dismissing the unreasonable thought, recalling Jiwook's voice instead, telling him his true feelings. Yes, he believed him.
The car was now a few streets close to the hospital and he get the money ready, to give and then fly away the moment the car stopped.
In a moment he was before Jiwook's door, breathing heavily from the sprint. He was really in a bad state, earlier he wouldn't even sweat at such short run, yet now he took a few more seconds to steady his breathing. His worry rose tenfold since the call and he tried to push it back down.
It wouldn't be good to look that anxious in front of Jiwook. He needed Joohoon to be strong, ready to calm him down and support him, not the opposite.
He pushed the door open.
- Jiwook…
He stopped still.
Jiwook's bed was empty. Blanket in disarray, traces of the younger being there, but no Jiwook in sight. Even his cane and phone was on the nightstand.
Joohoon rushed to the bed, checking the blanket, it was cold, like all the warmth of Jiwook's presence vanished from there, and from the room altogether.
His mind jumped in a whirlwind of alarmed thoughts, that was close to panic and it made his breathing ragged, jaw and fists clenched so hard it would snap. The nurse told him Jiwook was in his room, they put him to sleep, he couldn't get far. And someone kidnapping him couldn't be possible, when the hospital security was very tight.
It couldn't be. Yet Joohoon found himself thinking ahead the worst outcomes anyway.
He was about to blow out the door and rush outside, when he noticed the slightly ajar bathroom door.
Piercing cold chills run down his spine at the memory of finding Jiwook collapsed in the bathroom that night, with pills all scattered around him.
He was paralyzed, dreadful fright taking over him, making him unable to move a step, or lift his hands, his lungs sliced roughly that no air could fill it. His body began to tremble and only with sheer muscle strength he forced his hand to push the door and step inside. He switched the light on and… there in a pool of water, that Joohoon's mind was painting red, unconscious, and unmoving, was Jiwook.
- JIWOOK!
He throw himself to the shower cabin, tearing away and breaking its door, to reach Jiwook faster. Then his hands dropped on the younger, he almost drew it back due to the shock of the icy cold water and how freezing it felt.
How cold Jiwook's body was.
He yanked him out of the water, to his chest, starting to tremble himself at the coldness of the still body in his arms.
- No, no, no, Jiwook. Please open your eyes! Please, breathe for me! Jiwook!
He cried out, searching for the younger's pulse and damn it, he was shivering too much to determine it. He saw the emergency wristband and pressed, while massaging gently the younger's back, and arms to make his blood run. He tried to stand up, but his legs shattered too much, for him to be able to, and with Jiwook tightly held close to him.
A second later the nurse appeared, making a quick pulse check and run, screaming words that Joohoon didn't get, but the urgency of it, the alarm in her voice did the worst to Joohoon.
His heart imploded inside only at the thought of loosing Jiwook. At never feeling his warmth again.
He held him tighter in his embrace, as if to share his warmth with the stone-cold body in his arms. He was ready to rip his own, broken heart out of his chest and put it where Jiwook's should beat right now.
He will not watch him die. He will not let him.
More people came a moment later and teared him away from Jiwook, putting the younger to a breathing machine and on a moving bed that in a second was pushed out of the room.
Joohoon wanted to follow, but his legs wouldn't listen to him, he was shivering whole and despite punching his stupid legs to move and stand, he remained glued on the floor, cold water in small pools and dripping from his clothes and hands.
He could only listen to the fading noise and cacophony of shouted urgent commands from the hall and pray.
He will not let Jiwook die. He vowed. Nobody will take him away from him.
Not even death.
He rose.