- That's… what happened.
It was a lot… to take in. Not just a lot, almost too much, so that Jiwook was struggling to keep his breathing stable after what Taemin just told him. He was gripping the fabric of his shirt, above his chest, to the point of tearing it, while his heart was already ripping apart from pain, wrenching enough to make him feel like dying. He never thought he would feel it again after finding out about his brother's death.
The story Taemin revealed, shattered him whole to the point of breaking, like living aftermaths of a brutal physical blow landed on him. And he still couldn't believe it all.
How could he, when what Joohoon went through was beyond what even hell would have tasted like and what the older did, what happened to him, was so shocking and devastating, that Jiwook wished it was all a lie made only to punish, to hurt him - Han Jiwook - for his sins. To know it all was true was in itself his worst punishment.
While he slept the whole time and when he woke up whining why they didn't let him die, Joohoon was drowning in hell and pain every cursed day and night for reason none other than Jiwook's own fucking stupidity. If he wanted to go play hero and get himself killed, he could at least not drag the people that mean so much for him, down in hell with him. Though Joohoon went beyond that. Only now he understood the real consequences of his foolishness.
Lee Joohoon knew the truth about his brother, that was something Jiwook would have never want for the older to find out, least for the reason what happened after he did. The younger didn't know what Siwoon's death meant for other persons than him and for Joohoon precisely. How could he take it all for his own fault alone, than it was him, Han Jiwook, who made all the choices, planned it out cold and provoked Joohoon; him, Siwoon's own brother that pushed him down the chasm with his own words and hands. To find out how Joohoon felt then; that he cried and begged for forgiveness, what Jiwook himself have yet to do – all of it to the point of harming himself was heart-shattering, alarming even.
Jiwook's breathing yanked suddenly like he was drowning and the water was cutting his lungs inside.
The night he was brought to the hospital, the whole incident with kidnapping the gang, where they all risked their lives and Joohoon's madness, the knife attack and alcohol poisoning that almost killed Joohoon – everything he missed while being unconscious – sunk in his mind and heart like a mercuric poison burning it both to ashes.
He couldn't breathe.
- Jiwook, you… are you alright?
The younger's complexion blanched in an unsettling paleness, that made him look like a frozen ghost, with his eyes lost, looking at nothing, undisturbed by the rough streams of tears that were falling down his face, making him even more translucent. He didn't know he was crying.
After he was knocked to his senses the day before, he became finally aware of the people around him. He noticed Joohee's hesitation and over-carefulness while talking to him, Taemin's strained voice and swallowed words like he was eager to apologize and wasn't sure for what, though Jiwook was as lost why would he want to do that, his parents, especially his mum, were acting around him like he was a 5-years old child, like everything was only their fault and Jiwook felt like his insides were bitten every time they spoke to him. Because they didn't know the truth. They still believed him innocent and wronged. A victim and them – the worst parents.
"Even after I woke up, I still continued to hurt him, without knowing anything… again. I did it again, didn't I?! Hurting them with my selfishness to the point- Oh God, what if… "
… what if, like with his brother, he would drive Joohoon to his death?!
He nearly did it didn't he?! Not just once!... How could he swear to love Joohoon and care wholly for him, when almost everything he did, was hurting Joohoon and leaving him in so much pain?! No! NO! He shouldn't! He couldn't! He-
His raging breaths convulsed, making his whole body shudder in abrupt jerking shoves that were straining his every muscle and nerve so tightly, in clearly visible pain, that it felt like it could snap and break Jiwook's bones.
It was the start of a severe panic attack, one Jiwook, without drugs to dull it, had yet to experience.
And Teamin was more terrified than Jiwook himself. He staggered to the younger, hands jolting aimlessly around the trembling, crunching body in front of him, crying out incompressible words, too tangled in his shock to make sense of it. Something about help, and doctor, and breathe, and calling for help, but he had to be afraid to leave Jiwook there outside, as he was turning left and right, ready to scream his lungs out for help if he should.
Jiwook, through barely still conscious from all the shrieking ringing in his head and splitting pain, like his body was breaking from inside, forced his hand to raise, search for and grip hard Taemin's hand, knuckles white from the effort and cold sweat already dripping down his forehead. He managed the smallest shake of his head and prayed for Taemin to get what he meant with it.
The other, apparent clueless, took agonizingly long to understand, though it couldn't be longer than a few seconds, but in the end Taemin ceased to try and call for help and set his attention entirely on Jiwook. He took his hands in his, grounding him, supporting him and then forced himself to calm down first, then tried to do the same with Jiwook. His voice almost steady as he said:
- Breathe with me, Jiwook. 1…2… In… and out… yes, like that. Good…
Even if Jiwook knew it wasn't his brother before him, he just focused on the clear, smooth and gentle color of that voice, that so strongly reminded him of how Siwon spoke. Blind and unseeing, he could easily picture that it was his brother there, holding him, soothing him. It was as a comforting thought as merciless, clenching his rushing heart and slowing it altogether.
After an exhausting amount of time, Jiwook managed finally to breathe without chocking on air. His tight grip also eased and he wished he could see if he left any marks on the other's hand. He hoped he didn't.
- Th… th-thank… you.
His voice broken and breathy, barely a whisper, still he was glad he managed to say it. He wanted to say it.
- It's ok. You're ok right? Do you need something? Maybe we should go to the doctor and do a check…
He didn't finish at Jiwook's slow yet firm shake of head.
- P-please… don't… tell…
Taemin could see what the younger wanted to say, and though he deeply disapproved, and wanted to let at least the doctor know, because for the life of him, that wasn't just an ordinary panic attack… but he could understand Jiwook. The last two days the other was tirelessly trying to show that he got better and that others shouldn't worry about him anymore.
However, he could see now that it wasn't the case.
Even though, every breath he took now, was still filled with aches of the attack's aftermath and the strain his body underwent, his mind was surprisingly clear. You'd think one would get dizzy on the lack of oxygen to their brains, but no, Jiwook's thoughts whirled unwavering and lucid, like brushing death for a moment would make his mind clearer than ever.
Because he knew then what he should do.
His mind jumped a mile and back, but now he had it. His answer.
- I still think we have to tell your parents about it, Taemin said worried.
There will be no what ifs. It wasn't even a choice he could or not take. It was the only outcome. His life, it was decided even before he got blind. Before he was abducted. Before he found out about his brother's death.
His life was sentenced forever with the first word he pushed Siwon to his death.
- Yes.
Jiwook answered only now registering Taemin's words.
Taemin thought for a moment, looking at Jiwook wrenched expression, like he was about to be executed. Strange thought.
He still offered.
- Jiwook, I can tell them myself-
- No.
It was firm and filled with a strength that his voice didn't possess then, but the intent was stronger than ever.
- I'll do it myself. I have to.
Taemin nodded though Jiwook couldn't see it. After a few moments of silence, Taemin recalled that muted signs or gestures couldn't be received by the younger. He hastily added.
- Ok. Do you need me…
He trailed off, not sure what he even wanted to offer help with. He still felt a stranger to this family and, even though slowly, very slowly, less uncomfortable, he yet had to be a part of their lives. He didn't dare to, but he was pulled in anyway.
Jiwook raised his head in Taemin's general direction, his eyes wide and pleading, and ashamed, and bare.
- Please, I will do anything. Please, Taemin, please, w-would you come with me?
Jiwook's trembling hands moved back where he earlier held the older's, cupping it gently in desperate plea.
Taemin took a second but nevertheless his answer was evident.
- It's ok Jiwook. I will come with you.
The joy and relief on the younger's face was untold. Taemin was stunned. He didn't know his presence or help was that important for Jiwook. It left him with a strange feeling inside, beside the warm hands that held his in genuine gratitude.
Jiwook was smiling now. A small thing, but honest, and serene. Smiles that people gave only to their closest, like…
Like family.
Taemin felt his mouth dry.
Jiwook was thanking him again, and then again, eyes that should look empty with the blindness, shone now with unmatched radiance. Taemin never actually saw Jiwook like that. It made him want to believe in him. To trust him.
To try.
Jiwook though would never know about it. His mind was too centered on the sole thought that weighted more than his life, to notice Taemin's softening hold back -
He will not let it happen again.
Not to Joohoon.
Nor to anyone.
He will not.
He will not.