The following day, everyone in the dormitory was up early, desperate to make the most of their first trip to Hogsmeade of the year. Hogsmeade like so many other wizarding communities had been virtually destroyed in the past year by death eaters, Hogsmeade perhaps even more so because of its proximity to Hogwarts. Of the shops that hadn't been ruined, the rest had closed down due to the lack of customers, but since the fall of Voldemort, the shops had re- opened, the customers had returned, and the town had slowly come back to life. I was almost sorry to miss seeing the place again, but after Ron's bizarre request the day before, some distance would probably be a good thing.
I stayed in my bed longer than I normally would have; partly not wanting to deal with Lavender and also to make sure I was well out of the way of three girls fighting over one bathroom as they all tried to get ready.
Once they were all gone, I made the most having the place to myself for a while. Hogwarts was the sort of place where you were never alone, even you may have wanted to be. Recently I had hated solitude, yet I had so much going on in my head that I found I actually welcomed some peace and quiet to just think.
When the time came for my detention, I reluctantly put my book down and made my way down to the library. Malfoy was already there when I arrived. He was facing away from me, already laying out the book lists on the nearby table. When I put my bag down on the table, his head whipped around, and he looked at me directly. I expected him to say hello, just like he had for out last few detentions, but instead he just gave me a slight nod of the head before he turned away again.
I stared at him, stung by the sudden coldness in his attitude, but then I thought back to the last time we had been here in the library. To the last conversation we had. I winced as I remembered the things that I said, when I had rambled on about books and redemption and love. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment, wondering what on earth I had been thinking? No wonder, he had pulled away. He was probably worrying that I would start rambling on about all of the books that I had read. So, following his lead, I got to work, staying silent the entire time.
The hours of our detention passed slowly. In recent weeks I had found the time spent in the library almost enjoyable. But in the empty silence of the large room, the silence between us only seemed louder.
It was almost a relief when Madame Pince finally came and told us that we could leave. I didn't even stay to help properly tidy up. I simply stuffed my things back in any space I could find, grabbed my bag and got out of the library as quickly as I could. I needed to think, I needed to breathe, I needed to go somewhere where there was air. I needed to go outside.
I made my way through the empty corridors, walking as fast as I could and gave a huge sigh of relief when I finally burst through the doors and felt the cool air fill my lungs. I marched through the courtyard and once again headed down towards the lake, sitting in the same spot as before. I pulled out the book that I was currently reading, hoping that it would help to take my mind of the weirdness of the last few hours.
I don't know how long I sat there, completely lost in a book about the Hogwarts founders, when I was suddenly aware that I was not alone.
'Can I join you?'
I looked up, startled to find Malfoy standing in front of me, silhouetted against the bright autumnal sunshine. I could have said yes and ignored him like before. I could have said no, and I knew that he would probably have done as I asked and left me alone. But I wanted to know. I needed to know why he kept seeking me out. And then why he was shutting me out.
With narrowed eyes, I asked, 'Why?'
With a heavy sigh that was becoming all too familiar, he quirked up that lip again and said, 'That is a very good question.'
He sat down on the same rock he had sat on before. Close enough to be near me, but not close enough to touch. I watched him for a moment, waiting for him to say anything, but he sat in silence. I turned away from him, and back to my book, but out of the corner of my eye I could see that his leg was bouncing up and down and he was tapping his fingers lightly on the grey stone in an erratic rhythm. I had never seen Malfoy anything less than cool and composed and it was disconcerting as much as it was distracting. I soon realised that I had read the same paragraph at least ten times with no clue what it was about and so I decided that enough was enough.
With a sigh, I stood up, too tired for another round of trying to figure out the mystery of Draco Malfoy. But before I could take a step, he finally spoke.
'Do you want to go for a walk?' he asked as casually as if he were simply asking for the time of day.
'Excuse me?' I asked my voice rising in surprise, sure that I must have misheard him.
'A walk, Granger. You know when you put one foot in front of the other to move forward. A walk?'
I regarded him with confusion, waiting for the explanation, for the joke, for something, because after an afternoon of nothing my emotions were all over the place, and I was tired or pretending that they weren't. 'I can't keep up with you,' I cried, my arms rising in frustration. 'I don't know whether I'm coming or going. What is this? What am I to you? You told me all of those things and then things were fine and then today, just nothing.'
When he continued to simply stare at me, a hard defiance in his eyes, that I knew meant that whatever the truth, he wasn't going to tell it to me, it was my turn to sigh and turn away. I'd barely made it two steps before I came to a halt.
'No wait,' he begged, reaching out and grabbing my wrist. I pulled my hand away from his grasp like it had been burned. As I turned around to glare at him, I stopped short at the look in his eyes. Every inch of him exuded confidence and his usual air of arrogant pride, except for his eyes. In his eyes I saw doubt and vulnerability and it made me hesitate. On one hand every instinct I had told me to run away and not look back, but some other feeling, that feeling that had been recurring deep down in my stomach, told me to reach out and accept whatever strange olive branch he was trying to offer.
Slowly I walked back to the rock I been siting on and I sat, waiting. I looked at him, making it clear that I was waiting for some sort of explanation. That if I was going to stay, then I needed something more from him.
Draco looked over at me a few times, opening and closing his mouth, as if trying to find the right words. But the words he did find, were not what I was expecting.
'Did you mean what you said the other day?' His eyes flicked in my direction and I could almost see the faint blush creep up his cheeks. 'About the most beautiful stories being the most difficult ones to take. Is that really what you think?
I tried not to let my confusion show. Tried not to wince, regretting ever bringing up that bloody book, for ever starting that conversation, but whatever this was, I wanted him to be honest with me, so I was going to be honest back. 'Yes, I did. Why do you ask?'
'What sort of story do you think mine is?' he asked, ignoring my question, but turning around to face me until our eyes locked. 'Do you think my story has a happy ending?'
'I don't know,' I said slowly, wondering at this strange conversation. I knew that he was struggling with everything that had happened, that he was struggling with being back at Hogwarts, but clearly there was more to it. There was something else that was troubling him and once again it was me that he had come to looking for answers. Answers that I wasn't sure I had, so I chose my words carefully. 'I don't think your ending has been written yet. I think that's up to you.'
'Sometimes I don't think that choice is mine. Everyone will only ever see me one way, no matter what I do.'
His shoulders were slumped, and I couldn't help but think that he looked defeated. Tendrils of his blonde hair hung over his forehead, dangling into his eyes and I had to fight the inexplicable urge to reach out and brush them away.
'I don't think you can control what other people think of you, but as long as you know deep down inside that you are doing the best that you can, isn't that all anyone can do?'
'Yet my best never seems to be good enough,' he scoffed.
Suddenly it came to me, why he was here. What he wanted me to say. Draco Malfoy had been the school bully who had grown up and had gone onto do unspeakable things. What those things were, I didn't know, I wasn't sure that I wanted to know, but I could guess. He clearly wanted to move on from his past but didn't know how to do it and for some reason, he thought I was the person to help him. But that wasn't something I was sure I could do.
'If you're looking for vindication, then I'm not sure that I'm the right person.'
His eyes blazed as they met mine. 'If not you, then who? Out of everyone in my life, I've treated you the worst. And I've never met anyone who deserved it less.'
My stomach twisted at his admission and as was my nature, I was so close to instinctively answering that it was okay, that he was forgiven. But it wasn't. It wasn't okay. He had made my life miserable for so long. He had caused so many tears and so much doubt when I never done anything to him, and I wanted to know why out of everyone he had hated me so much. 'So why did you? Why did you treat me that way?'
He swallowed deeply then took a deep breath, exhaling shakily. 'Because I was bitter. And I was jealous. I've been raised since the day I was born to believe I was the best. I'm the product of two of the greatest and most respected pure blood families our society has. I was brought up being told that I was better than everyone else. That I was special.
'I hadn't even got to Hogwarts yet and it was proven just how wrong I was.' His lip turned up at the corner and I could see the bitterness on his face and hear the resentment in his voice, that still lingered all these years later. 'All anybody could talk about was Harry Potter. So, I tried to befriend him. After all, if anyone could be my equal, it was him. And he turned me down flat. For a Weasley, no less. He humiliated me.'
I looked at him incredulously and when I spoke it was laced with anger. 'You caused years of misery and pain because an eleven-year-old wounded your pride?'
'At first,' he admitted heavily. 'My issue was with Potter and Weasley. Until that Summer. That summer I went home, and my parents saw my grades. I was second in every single class. Second to you.' He glanced over his shoulder at me, giving me a weighty stare. 'My father was furious. He did not raise a Malfoy to be second. Especially not to someone who hadn't even been born into wizarding society. He went on and on and on until I hated the mere mention of your name. It just reminded me what a failure I was. How much I was letting him down. How much I was letting the Malfoy name down.'
Part of me could understand the pressures of parents. The pressure to be the best that I could be. The pressure to be better. I had felt that pressure myself. But I had never used that pressure to blame other people. It had always spurned me on to be better than I was.
'All those things I did to you, everything I said, I'm sorry. They were the words of a scared and stupid boy who thought that putting other people down was the way to put himself on top.'
I regarded him, once again with confusion, half wondering if some imposter had come and taken over Draco Malfoy's body. This was the second he had apologised to me and I still wasn't sure that I believed it. But if he could make the effort, then I could at least make an attempt too.
'I won't lie and pretend that it didn't hurt, because it did, but I'd met people like you before; people who thought that because I was different, they could make fun of me. I thought that Hogwarts would be different, but it wasn't.'
'Because of me.'
'Initially,' I agreed. 'But as I got older, I got more confident in myself. I knew that I was good enough, that I deserved to be here. I knew that my blood didn't make me less. And to be honest, I had such a low opinion of you that I didn't really care what you thought of me.'
'And do you still? Have a low opinion of me?'
I bit my lip, feeling my stomach squirm with emotion as he looked over at me from underneath his eyelashes. 'I don't really know you.'
He nodded, as if expecting my answer, but looking disappointed, nonetheless. 'But do you think… do you think that it's possible for a person to change? To be better than they were?
'Like I said, I think all people can do is to try…'
'But somebody evil, somebody who's done unspeakable things, do you think they can change?'
I felt my stomach tighten, worried about the direction if the conversation. 'Why are you asking me this?'
'Because I need to know?' he implored.
'Why me, though?'
'Because I know you'll be honest with me.'
I bit my lip and looked away from him again, not able to see the pain and torment in his eyes for a moment longer. Because I knew what he was really asking me. He was really asking me if I thought that he was evil. If I thought that he could change.
'Well,' he promoted when I continued to stay silent. 'Can someone evil change? Can they become good again?'
He had asked me to be honest, so I gave him my honest answer. 'No.'
'No?'
'No, I don't think that somebody truly evil can change.' I thought of Voldemort. Of Bellatrix. Of the atrocities they had committed. 'Dark magic like that, using so much of it, it changes who you are on the inside, until it becomes your true nature. Until hurting others, killing others becomes as easy as breathing; until you barely even feel it even more. Did you know that the killing curse fractures your soul? That level of dark magic, literally rips your soul apart and I don't think any amount of good could ever reverse that.'
He slumped forward and rested his elbows on his knees, bringing his hands up to his face, running his fingers through his hair before pulling back, covering his face with his hands once again; still pulling hard on the ends of his hair.
'So, there's no hope for me then?'
He looked so desolate and so defeated that despite my best intentions I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. The strong self-assured man with the steely grey eyes and an exterior to match, who never betrayed even an ounce of emotion had crumpled completely in-front of me. He looked so much like a lost little boy who had just found out that his world was ending that my heart went out to him. All I wanted to do was take away the pain that I had caused.
'Look I'm sorry, I didn't mean...'
'No,' he said suddenly, cutting me off and pulling his hands away from his face to reveal the despair etched onto his face, 'don't try and change it now. You were honest with me and that's what I asked for.'
'Yes, but you didn't let me finish. I believe that someone evil, someone truly evil can never become good again. But I don't think that that applies to you. I don't think you are a bad person. I don't think that you're evil.'
'You don't,' he said, looking up at me warily.
If he had asked me that question a year ago, even a few months ago, my answer would have been very different. But was Draco Malfoy evil? I had seen evil. I had looked it in the eye and seen its true devastating effects. I had seen the thirst for power, the disregard for life, the enjoyment of pain. But when I looked at him now, I knew that whatever I may have thought of him in the past, I didn't feel that way anymore.
'No, I don't,' I replied truthfully.
In the blink of an eye he became distressed once more, standing up so suddenly that I flinched away from him.
'You wouldn't say that if you knew what I'd done. If you knew everything that I'd done.'
'I think that you were in a difficult situation. I think that you did the best that you could.'
'Stop lying to me,' he shouted, and I had to fight my urge to flinch away. 'You know exactly who I am and what I've done and you of all people should know just how bad I am. You said that some things are too bad to come back from and I have done bad things, so many horrific things and I don't know how to come back from them. I don't know how to make it better.'
'Draco, you are not bad. Good and bad, good and evil, isn't quite as straightforward as that,' I said, trying to reason with him. 'It's not that black and white. You can be a good person and still do stupid things, bad things, but as long as you know that it's wrong and you feel remorse and guilt then that's what stops you from becoming evil. You said so yourself, before, that you clearly regret the things that you did. You know that they were wrong.'
'But I still did it. I was still a part of all that. I sat there in rooms with scum. I was breathing in that scum for a long time, listening to them and the vile things that they talked about. Things that they had done. People they had hurt. People that they planned to hurt. And I listened to that. Because it was a war.' He turned to stare at me, breathing hard with the memories. 'And so, I had to make them think that I was one of them. That I believed in everything that they were saying.'
I shivered at the look in his eyes. 'What does that mean?'
'It's means I had to stand there and go along with it. But not just watch, I had to join in, and I had to look like I wanted to do it. Like I enjoyed it. That was my life for over a year, so what kind of person does that make me?'
As sickened as I was by his words, by the things he must have seen and done, I could also see the revulsion and self- loathing in his eyes and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him and for some strange reason, I ached to comfort him. 'I think it makes you the kind of person who did what they had to do to survive.'
He made a scoffing noise again. 'You say that, but you don't know what I was party to.'
'And I don't need to.' I shook my head. 'Not unless you really want to tell me. If was a few years of your life, but it doesn't have to define who you are. You can still be the person that you want to be. You just have to make the decision about who that person is.'
'Do you really believe that?'
I gave him a shrug and with it a gentle smile. 'Do you think I would still be sitting here if I didn't.'
He nodded, seeming to accept my answer, and stared out the lake, the raging storm in his eyes now as quiet as the calm of the water in front of us.
We sat for a long time, in comfortable silence, just listening to the sounds of the gentle waves crashing against the nearby shore.
When a light drizzle started misting around us, Draco finally stood up. 'We should probably head back.'
It took me a moment to realise that he was waiting for me. That he expected me to walk with him.
We fell into step beside one another, walking in the silence that seemed so natural between us. I surreptitiously peeked glances over at him, but he seemed entirely at ease, entirely comfortable with the situation.
'I still don't understand this you know. What this is,' I said, gesturing between the two of us.
'And you always have to understand everything, don't you, Granger? Maybe the mystery will be good for you.'
'Draco!' I said in irritation.
Feeling his unwavering gaze, I stopped and looked over at him. 'What?'
'Nothing,' he shrugged. 'I've just never heard you say my name before.'
I flushed at the realisation of what I had just said. It seemed strangely intimate. 'Well, I…'
'How about friends?'
'I'm sorry?' I said, thrown by his statement.
'Us,' he indicated between us. 'Friends?'
'You want us to be,' I hesitated over the word, 'friends?'
'Well at this point you know more about me than anyone else does. And believe it or not you're probably the person I actually talk to the most. I can't think of a better word, can you?'
'Friends,' I said, testing the word. It seemed altogether too intimate and yet somehow not intimate enough. I have a shrug of my shoulders, 'I guess that works.'
'So, friend,' he smirked, 'how will you spend your evening?'
'I don't know,' I answered, trying not to smile at the strangeness of the situation. 'Probably listen to the others tell me all about Hogsmeade and all the fun they've had.'
'Do you wish you'd been able to go?'
'Not really. Harry and Ginny are just a sickeningly cute couple and Ron's just…' I shrugged.
His gaze turned thoughtful. 'So, you and Weasley are...'
'Ron and I, what?'
'You're together,' he said, not in question, but as a statement. He glanced slightly in my direction again, before diverting his gaze again.
'Why are you asking?'
'I was just making conversation,' he said, shrugging his shoulders as if it was all the same to him.
'Then, no.'
'No, what?'he said, his eyes sliding to mine in question.
'No, we're not together. He's going out with Lavender Brown. Or he was until yesterday.'
'Hmm, well that makes more sense,' he mused and my head whipped around at his tone.
'Meaning what?'
He gave that careless shrug again. 'Just that Weasley and Lavender are better suited to each other than you and him.'
'In what way?' I asked, intrigued.
'Well, they're both complete idiots. You're far too smart to go out with an idiot like Ron Weasley. Although you did go out with McLaggen so I've got to say, you don't seem to have the best taste in men.'
'Clearly,' I said, giving a huff of unamused laughter. 'Although for the record I was never actually going out with Cormac, although getting him to understand that was easier said than done. As you well know,' I said giving him a pointed look which I immediately regretted as his face immediately hardened with anger at the memory.
'Yes, well,' he said after a moment of silence, his face impassive once more, 'maybe next time you'll need to aim a little higher,' he said, his eyes displaying just a trace of humour.
'Next time?' I asked on a derisive laugh. 'Trust me, there won't be a next time.'
With a frown he asked,' What do you mean?'
'I'm sworn off relationships,' I proclaimed with a laugh. 'Nothing good ever comes from them. Besides I've known everyone here for nearly eight years. I think if something was going to happen by now, don't you think?'
He stared at me intently again, but he turned away without answering my question and we once again fell into silence.
As we neared the castle grounds, I became aware of students milling about in the distance, starting to arrive back from Hogsmeade. Before we had been walking shoulder to shoulder, but as the castle became closer, I found myself starting to edge away from him, creating some distance.
As we approached the courtyard, we got so close that if anyone happened to look, they would see me walking side by side with Draco Malfoy. I started to get uneasy at the thought.
'You alright?' Draco asked, noting my sudden tension.
'Mhmm. I'm fine,' I said, but my voice betrayed me, coming out all squeaky and as he stared at me, I was sure he knew exactly what I was thinking.
He gave a bitter smile. 'Don't worry I get it.' He looked over my shoulder at the crowds of people who were starting to arrive back in the courtyard. 'We wouldn't want anyone to see Hermione Granger with a Slytherin, ex death eater.'
'No, that's not what I- '
'See you around, friend.'
He turned around and walked away from me. 'Draco, wait.' I took a step after him when I heard my name being called from behind me. I turned around to find Harry and Ginny walking towards me, laden with shopping bags. Ron wasn't with them I noted. I gave a sharp glance behind me, but Draco was already gone. As glad I was that the others hadn't seen us together, I did feel guilty for what had just happened. It wasn't that I was embarrassed, it was just that I knew telling the others that I had been spending time with Draco Malfoy would cause an inevitable argument. And besides, what was to say he wouldn't shut me out again when the mood suited him? It was better not to tell them anything until I knew what there was to tell.
'Hey, Hermione,' Harry said, as they reached me. 'What have you been up to?'
'Nothing. I just went for a walk.' I looked behind me again, trying to see where Draco had disappeared to, but there was no sign of him.
'Are you alright, Hermione?' Ginny asked.
'Yep, I'm fine,' I said turning back around and trying to put Draco Malfoy out of my mind. 'How was Hogsmeade?' I deflected.
'Yeah, it was good to be out of the place, instead of being cooped up,' Harry said, before quickly adding, 'No offense.'
I shook my head. 'None taken.'
'The place is nearly back to normal,' Ginny added. 'A couple of shops are still empty and Gladrag's still hasn't opened back up, but there's a new Quidditch shop, which is amazing.'
'Great. Just what we need,' I said rolling my eyes.
'So what did you get up to? Anything interesting happen?' Ginny asked.
'Nope nothing,' I lied, 'nothing interesting at all.'