Before I came back to Hogwarts, I had thought that life would get back to normal. That as long as I had my friends around me, as long as we were together then everything would be fine.
But things weren't fine. If anything, things were more complicated now than they had ever been. Ron didn't ignore me. He didn't shut me out. It would have been better if he had. I could have blamed him if he had, been angry with him even. Instead, it was me who felt guilty, because although he spoke to me, it was always with a wounded look in his eyes. A look that hit me like a fist to my gut, every single time.
I knew that I had hurt his feelings. I could see it plain as day in front of me. Yet I still didn't understand. I didn't trust his words, because only the week before, he had been with someone else. Only a month before he had been ignoring me. I knew that I loved Ron, but I knew that I wasn't in love with Ron. Not anymore. And above all I knew that I couldn't change how I felt, no matter the hurt that it was causing.
I knew that Harry and Ginny were disappointed. It would have made life so much easier for the four of us to be together. Two happy couples. As nice as that idea was, as much as I may have dreamed for that once, I realised that I didn't want nice. I didn't want to settle for something easy. After a brief respite, things were once again awkward between us all. Harry and Ginny were trying to be supportive, but they didn't know quite who they should be supporting. Since it was technically me who had broken Ron's heart, me who had hurt him, I felt it was best for everyone if I made myself scarce and so I spent the next two evenings studying in the library and didn't linger at dinner.
The common room or dormitory wasn't much better as Lavender was also being particularly frosty to me, although I wasn't sure why. It wasn't like I was the one who had done anything wrong.
Which was why I was so relieved when the time came for my weekend detention. It was a good distraction and gave me a good reason to be away from the others. I was so relieved to get away that I even went to the library early and started cataloguing the remaining books in the fiction section. We were nearly finished, having continued working through most of the section during our mid-week detention. We didn't talk much, but once again it was a comfortable silence.
I was sitting on the floor surrounded by a pile of books however they were not the books that I was meant to be cataloguing. You see the problem with putting a book lover in a library is that they will inevitably become distracted. With Draco alongside me, I was kept focused and on task. Left to my own devices in the fiction section was another matter. I had started with the intention of cataloguing the books, but as I skimmed through the shelves, my eyes got caught time and time again by books I hadn't read but wanted to and books that I had read and wanted to read again. I had been looking for 'Fire and Shadow', the book that I had told Draco about the week before, but somebody had already checked it out. As it was, I already had a pile of eight or nine books that with the amount of homework I had for my seven NEWT subjects I had little chance of getting to read any time soon.
I was debating with the books, trying to decide which one I should take and which ones I would have to put back to read at another time, when 'Fire and Shadow' appeared in front of me, as if I had summoned it with my mind. My eyes trailed up the book cover, past the hand that was holding it, up the arm and eventually to the face peering down at me.
'You might want to put that back,' Draco said, a smile in his eyes. Then as his eyes drifted over the mess I had made, he shook his head and added, 'Or maybe not. You know we're supposed to be tidying the library, not making it worse.'
Ignoring his words, I reached up and took the book from his proffered hand. I looked up at him in surprise. 'Did you… I mean did you read it?'
He shrugged off his bag and sat it down on the nearby table. 'Yep.'
'Well?' I asked, looking up at him, desperate to know what he thought. 'What did you think?'
'I suppose it wasn't all bad.'
'Not all bad? Are you kidding? Was the ending not just heart-breaking? Did you cry?'
He stared down at me in muted horror, as if the mere suggestion offended his masculinity. 'No, Granger, I did not cry.'
I rolled my eyes. 'But you did like it?'
He stared at me for a long moment and I felt myself start to get nervous. For some reason it mattered to me what he thought of one of my favourite books. For some reason I wanted him to like it. 'Yes,' he gave a beleaguered, yet amused sigh. 'I liked it.'
I couldn't help but smile up at him. 'I knew you would.' When I caught the look on his face and realised what I had just said, I added, 'I mean how could anyone not like it.'
Our eyes connected again, until I forced myself to pull away, breaking the moment. 'Anyway, we'd better get started before Madame Pince comes and adds on even more detentions.'
I started to struggle to my feet when a hand appeared in front of me. I paused mid- movement and surveyed his outstretched hand for a long moment, hesitating, but seeing his face and eyes so sincere, I reached up to clasp his hand. As soon as my fingers slid into his palm, the hair on my arms rose.
I'd thought that spark that people apparently felt when they touched someone was a myth. Just some made up thing that authors would put into books to describe that moment where two characters connect, but it was there. I felt it.
As he pulled me to my feet, our eyes collided and heat rushed up my arm, my body shivering as tingles ran over my entire body, settling down low in my stomach. All I could see was Draco, all I could feel was Draco's hand in mine, his body standing close to me.
Draco's hand tightened around mine, his silver eyes darkened, and what I saw in his eyes made my breath stutter, drawing his attention to my mouth. A shiver rippled down my spine as he moved closer to me and I felt his breath on my skin. My chest rose and fell, and I lost control of my breathing- the air between us felt much too thick. Draco leaned down, closing the space between our lips.
I waited, breathless with anticipation-
'There you are!' came a voice from behind us.
I pulled away, slamming back against the hard wood of the bookcase behind me. The moment was ruined, whatever was between us, gone. Draco squeezed his eyes shut, his jaw clenching with what I thought was annoyance. He took a few seconds to gather himself. When he opened his eyes, the annoyance was gone, along with every other emotion, his face the blank mask that I had seen so often and yet now looked strangely unfamiliar on his face to the point that I flinched away.
Pansy Parkinson was standing at the end the aisle, a speculative look on her face. But whatever it was she saw, I saw her quickly dismiss it. I mean why wouldn't she? I wasn't even sure that I believed it myself.
'What is it, Pansy?' Draco growled, giving her a look that would have quelled many people, but Pansy just tilted her head to the side, a flirtatious smile on her lips.
'You've been difficult to track down, Draco,' she pouted. 'I've had to resort to pinning you down in the library.'
'What do you want, Pansy?' he asked again, looking completely unaffected.
I moved to the other end of the aisle as she moved further into it. 'I get the feeling you've been avoiding me.'
'I've been busy.'
'I know.' She placed her hand onto his chest. 'You've had quidditch and all of these detentions.' She shot me an accusatory glare and I quickly turned away, pretending that I hadn't been staring. 'I feel like I hardly see you anymore.'
'You see me every day,' he replied.
'I know,' she whined, 'but not like before. I miss you.'
He grabbed her wrist, stopping her from trailing one perfectly manicured finger down his front. 'Pansy,' he warned in a low voice.
'Come on, Drakie-Kins…'
I honestly couldn't have kept it in if I tried, but there was no disguising the loud snort that came out of my nose. I felt the instant tension and I had to bite my lip to keep my smile at bay as I turned around to face them.
Both of them were staring at me, Draco, glaring, although I wasn't sure if it because I had interrupted, or because I heard Pansy's nickname for him.
Pansy looked over to me and then to Draco, before settling back on me, her eyes narrowed. 'Granger, can't you just fuck off and give us some privacy?'
My eyes widened at her rudeness and for some reason, I looked over to Draco, but if I was expecting him to contradict her I was to be disappointed. 'Sorry,' I shrugged, feeling anything but. 'It's a detention. I can't leave.'
'And that's you all over,' she sneered, her sugary tone turned sour. 'Isn't it, Granger. The goody two shoes who always follows the rules. Don't you think it's a bit pathetic at your age?'
I had to force myself not to react. You'd think that hearing the same insult so many times since childhood would diminish the impact. But it didn't and what was worse, was the fact that Draco knew it. I had told him how much those words hurt me, how I had been hearing them my entire life even before I had come to Hogwarts. He had apologised for his part in it, said he was sorry for treating me the way that he had. Yet he was just standing there, watching it all happen.
Trying to remain unaffected, I turned back to the books and started straightening the books on that shelf. 'If you have a problem with me being here then take it up with McGonagall.'
'Ugh, I don't know how you can stand to be around it, Draco.'
He shrugged. 'McGonagall's decision, not mine.'
I stared at him and I knew that the hurt and confusion I felt was pouring out of my eyes. How many times had he come to me? How many times had he begun a conversation with me? He had wanted to be my friend. How much of it all had been a lie?
I gritted my teeth and turned back to the books, trying to still the shaking of my hand with a deep breath.
'One of her stupid ideas to promote collaboration,' Pansy added. 'Like any self respecting Slytherin would degrade themselves with such company.' Her eyes slid over me, her lip twisted in disgust. 'What did she think that we'd be friends with any of them?'
At the word 'friends' I stiffened and my eyes immediately shot to Draco's, but his were expressionless. I held his gaze, asking the question 'Is that really what you think?', but his eyes followed Pansy's and raked over me before he turned to back to her, his lip curled upwards into a smirk of agreement.
I flinched backwards at the cruelty in his gaze, tying to stop the hurt from showing on my face, but knowing deep down that it was plain for all to see. I had known it would come to this. Deep down I knew that trusting Draco Malfoy, opening myself to him, would only ever lead to this. I was a fool for thinking otherwise. Upon seeing the hurt in my eyes and the mortification staining my cheeks red, Pansy let out a high, derisive laugh that grated like nails on a chalk board.
I knew I had to leave before I could embarrass myself even further by doing something even worse like crying and so I snatched my bag, from the floor. I turned around and gave them both a look that could leave them both in no doubt exactly what I thought of them.
'You two deserve each other.'
I brushed past Pansy in my bid to escape the aisle, and she flinched back and screeched, 'Don't touch me, mudblood.'
When I knew they could no longer see me, it didn't matter that my eyes had filled with tears. I rushed my way through to the front of the library, not stopping as Madam Pince called out to me to come back. But the tears had started to fall and I had already made a fool of myself. I wasn't going to do it again.