Hogwarts was a huge castle. A castle with lots of winding corridors, empty classrooms, secret passageways and hidden alcoves. It was perfect for hiding in. Which was exactly what I was doing. Hiding. There was no other way to describe it. I couldn't go back to the common room. Not when I had run out of my detention early. That would lead to too many questions. Besides one look at my face and my friends would be able to see that something had happened, and I wasn't ready to admit how much of an idiot I had been.
But that is exactly what I had been. An idiot.
Had I really been so lonely, so desperate that I had jumped at the chance to believe that he had changed? To believe that we could be friends. All so I wouldn't feel quite so alone.
Apparently, I had been because he had fooled me. He hadn't changed at all.
In my heart I should have known better than to trust a Malfoy. I should have known better than to think that he would want to be friends with someone like me. For a moment I had believed it. I had been believed every word. I had felt sorry for him. I had told him all of the secrets that I hadn't even told my closest friends. But what I couldn't figure out, what I couldn't fathom, was the purpose of it all. Was it all just some sick twisted game to him? Was he to gain my trust so he could then laugh about it with his cronies in the Slytherin common room? My stomach twisted with mortification at the thought, but then it was all my own fault. I should have known better than to have ever thought that he had changed. I was supposed to be the smart one and yet I had been completely sucked in by him. He had played me perfectly.
At least I wasn't crying anymore. No, the tears had stopped a while ago. When I had left the library all those hours ago, I had fought so hard to keep the tears at bay, keeping my head down as I ran past the few people who were in the corridors.
It had been raining when I left detention so I couldn't escape outside, meaning there was only one other place that I could go. Back in third year, when Ron, Harry and I had our first proper fight, I had discovered a secluded alcove of one of the top floors of the castle. It was down at the end of an unused corridor, meaning it was always secluded and quiet. It was a place I had visited many times throughout the years. Every time that Harry and Ron would stop speaking to me, when Ron and Lavender had first started going out and every other time that I needed some space and some peace to just me on my own and think, I had gone to that same alcove. And I once again found myself there again now.
I settled myself in my usual spot, on a window ledge at the left-hand side, with a view that overlooked the lake. Usually, I loved sitting on the stone ledge and watching life below. Seeing the people rushing about below heading to classes; secret conversations in corners as well as Hagrid pottering about at the edge of the forest.
But today was different. As I peered through the glass and looked to the world outside, it was awash with grey. Although it had stopped raining, it was one of those dull, overcast days where it looked like rain was never far away. As far as the eye could see the clouds rolled and tumbled in an ever-swirling mixture of all the many shades of grey, reminding me so much of the beautiful eyes that had been plaguing my thoughts ever since I had first peered into their enthralling depths. Dark greys, light greys and sunlit silvers twirled and spun together in an elegant dance, breaking for small moments to let the shining blue that was hidden underneath, peek through in a tiny splash of colour. Exactly like his eyes.
I knew I should stop, but I couldn't seem to force my gaze away. It was those eyes that had first drawn me in. That had first forced me to look closer. It was only right that their memory should be my punishment now. My constant reminder of why I should never rely on my feelings alone. Feelings were nothing but traitors that forced you to make stupid decisions and I would do well to remember it.
After a long while my tears finally stopped, and I was left feeling nothing but complete and utter embarrassment and shame, wondering how I was ever going to face the others again. What they would say when they found out how stupid I had been.
But that embarrassment and shame was soon overtaken by a new emotion. Anger. Quickly followed by complete and utter fury. Furious with him but mostly furious with myself for believing it all.
I didn't know how long I sat there for, with my head resting against the cool glass, staring at the swirling shades of grey in the sky above, but I was certainly in no hurry to move, perfectly happy sitting there, hiding from everyone.
I groaned in annoyance when I heard the sound of footsteps coming along the corridor and disturbing my peace and solitude. Logically there was only person that it could be. Only one person who had the means to find me here. Knowing that I would have to face him sooner or later, I reluctantly lifted my head, fully expecting to come face to face with Harry holding the Marauders Map, which is why I was so stunned to find that it wasn't Harry, but the last person in the world that I ever wanted to see.
'So, this is where you're hiding,' he said in his familiar drawl, putting his wand back into his robes before he leaned casually against the wall at the entrance to the alcove, folding his arms in front of his chest. Our eyes clashed for one long angry moment, the air was sucked out of the room and a black writhing mass of fury settled low inside my stomach.
Without saying a word I grabbed my bag and marched over, making a move to get past him but he swiftly sidestepped to block my exit.
'Get out of my way,' I said slowly, fury emanating out of every syllable I uttered.
'I just wanted to make sure you're okay.'
I stopped in my movements and glared up at him. 'Like you even care.'
'Of course I care.'
'Just fuck off, Malfoy,' I told him, enjoying how he flinched as I reverted to calling him Malfoy.
He shook his head and angry confusion filled his grey eyes. 'Not until you tell me what is going on.'
Once again, I made a move to get past him, but he was not only quicker than me, but also considerably stronger and he didn't even move an inch when I tried to push past him.
'Get out of my way,' I screeched up at him, trying to push past him once more, but failing miserably as he stood his ground. He may have bought his way onto the Quidditch team, but he did have lightning quick reflexes and I knew that there was no way I was going to get past him.
'Not until you tell me what your problem is,' he hissed back at me through clenched teeth, his voice low. He leaned forward as he spoke, and I swear I saw concern in his gaze. Concern that I now knew was all a lie. I suddenly realised how close he was to me. Or how close I was to him. We had been in this situation before. Only a few hours before and I felt that same spark steal my breath. But I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice.
Needing to get away, I tried again to push past him but as I failed again, I felt the panic and claustrophobia build within me and I lashed out, pushing and hitting and clawing at him, desperate to be free, before I bought into lies once more.
'Granger, stop!' he growled flinching with my blows but standing his ground. 'Granger!' he repeated as I continued my attack. 'Hermione!' he said and my name stopped me in my tracks like a tranquiliser making me stumble back and away from him. Draco Malfoy had never once used my name before. Not once. It had always been 'Granger' or 'mudblood' or just simply 'her'. Not once in all of that time I had known him had he ever called me by my name and there was no way that I was going to let him start now.
'No!' I whirled around to face him, my face awash with fury. 'You do not get to call me that. Only my friends get to call me that.'
'Is that not what I am?' It was a simple question and I could almost imagine that I could see traces of hurt in his eyes, but I knew better.
At my silence his eyes filled with darkness but the question still lingered in them. 'Forgive me,' he said with a definite edge to his tone, 'but I had assumed that after recent events that things had changed between us.'
I scoffed, folding my arms putting up a physical barrier between us before answering him in my coldest tone. 'A Slytherin will never be friends with a Gryffindor. A pureblood like you will never be friends with a mudblood like me. You Draco Malfoy are incapable of change.'
He closed his eyes suddenly as I uttered that word, as if it pained him to hear it. All it did was anger me even more.
'Please, don't say that,' he groaned, taking a step closer towards me, but stopping as I recoiled away, 'I have changed. You know must know that.'
'No, I thought you had, but now I know for sure that you're the same old Malfoy that you've always been.'
'You know that that's not true,' he said, his eyes soft and pleading. I turned my head away so that I couldn't see them.
'Of course it's true. What happened in the library just proved that it's true. You think that I'm beneath you. You're a Slytherin, a pure blood and I'm just a filthy mudblood and that is never going to change.' The anger had left my voice with sadness creeping in, no matter how hard I tried to fight it.
'I never called you that,' he rushed to say. 'I don't think of you like that anymore.'
'No, you never said it,' I conceded with a defeated sigh. 'You just stood by though, agreeing with everything that she said.' My voice cracked with emotion and hurt at the memory.
'I wasn't agreeing with her,' he said adamantly.
'I saw you, Draco,'I said and instantly cringed that I had used his name so easily. 'You stood there beside her, smirking, agreeing with every word she said.'
'No, I didn't,' he argued, his hands flying up in agitation.
'You know what that's not even what matters, actions speak louder than words, Malfoy,' I said rather stubbornly not willing to back down. 'And your actions or lack of them, said it all.'
'And what exactly did you want me to do?' he cried out in exasperation, running a hand through his hair, making it stick up slightly as he did. 'You were the one that didn't want to be seen anywhere near me. You're the one who was so concerned about how everyone would react to us being friends. Make up your bloody mind. If you want me to defend you then I will gladly do it, but I thought you wouldn't want me defending you. I didn't think you'd want people to know about whatever this is. ' He dropped his gaze to the carpet, his eyes determinedly not meeting mine.
'When did I say that I didn't want to be seen anywhere near you?' I asked bewildered, curiosity momentarily replacing my anger.
'Oh, come off it, Hermione.' His eyes flashed again as they met mine. 'I know you're smarter than me, but I am not idiot. I saw the way you reacted when we were coming back from the lake. When you thought people would see us together.'
It was my turn to look away. I had hoped he hadn't seen that. Even now I could see the hurt that was in his face, even if he was trying hard to show that it wasn't bothering him.
'I… that's not… that's beside the point and as it turns out, I was right not to want you anywhere near me.' I was clutching now. Trying to find something to fuel and reignite my anger. I needed to be angry at him.
'Why, what have I done wrong?' he demanded, 'Tell me one thing that I have done to make you not trust me since we came back to Hogwarts?' He took a step towards me as he found some confidence, sensing my anger fading.
'Well there was… when you…' I trailed off again, as I watched his eyebrows raise in victory. Why could I not think of anything? Surely he must have done something, but my mind was blank and what's more he knew it.
'So if I haven't done anything wrong, then what is the problem?' He clearly sensed weakness in my hesitation and took another step, closing the distance between us.
I had nothing. I had no reply. He was right. He hadn't done anything to me since we had come back to Hogwarts. If anything, he had been there for me more than some of the others had been. He had certainly been there for me more than Ron had and that thought unsettled me. Yes, he may have changed, but I still didn't understand why and I still certainly didn't understand why he was singling me out as someone that he wanted to be friends with. All of the conversations that we had, the looks, the glances, I just didn't understand it. I didn't understand him and I didn't like it.
'There isn't a problem,' I sighed in reply, yet not quite able to meet his eyes.
'And yet something tells me that's not quite true.'
I took a quick glance up at him, to find that he was staring straight at me, as if he could try and read my mind and work out what I was thinking, but when I tore my gaze away to look back at the floor, he stepped in close to me, forcing my gaze back to his. 'Just tell me,' he commanded, his voice low and I was helpless to resist.
'I just don't understand. I don't understand why you're here,' I cried out, my emotions getting the better of me.
'I came to see if you were alright,' he said, still sounding confused, not understanding what I was meaning.
'Exactly! That's what I don't understand. You've never liked me and then all of a sudden you're actually wanting to have conversations with me and saying all of these things and making me think that you…' I stopped abruptly, stopping myself just in time, 'I just don't get it,' I finished lamely.
'Making you think that I what?' he questioned, stepping closer to me again so that I had to tilt my head back to look at him. Of course he would have picked up on that part. There really was no hiding anything from him.
'Nothing,' I said raising my head determinedly, my mouth set in a hard line. There was no way that I was going to tell him what I had been about to say.
His eyes still held the questions, but I was grateful when he didn't push it. 'Well do you want me to stop, talking to you? Because I will if that's what you want.'
I looked up into his face that was, at the moment looking decidedly like a little puppy that had just been given into trouble. If he'd had floppy ears, I swear they would have just drooped. I turned and sat back down on the window ledge, trying to create some distance between us. I needed a minute to think about what he was saying. Did I want him to stop talking to me? For things to be like they had been before. For us just to ignore each other and pretend like we didn't know all of these things about each other. My stomach shifted uncomfortably at the thought.
'No.' I answered simply. I didn't want things to go back to how they had been. I wasn't sure if we would ever be able to go back to how things had been before and I wasn't really sure that I wanted them to.
He looked up, looking almost disbelieving, almost hopeful. 'You don't want me to stop talking to you.'
'Don't ask me why, but no I don't,' I said quietly looking back at him.
For a moment, I wondered if he had heard what I said, but when he nodded his head slowly I knew that he had and I could swear that there was almost a trace of a smile in his lips. He visibly relaxed and closed the distance between us once more, resting against the wall beside me seat.
'So why did you run away then? I mean it was only Pansy.' He shrugged, looking down at me once more.
'And that makes it better then, it was only Pansy so of course I should let her insult me and call me a mudblood.' I gritted my teeth again in annoyance. Just when I thought we were getting somewhere.
'No, that's not what I meant,' he answered in frustration. 'I mean usually if she, or even if I called you any name you would just look at us like we were beneath you, like our words meant absolutely nothing.' His lips turned up into a wry smile. 'Or else you would come up with some absolutely scathing retort before walking away without even blinking. It used to drive me crazy.'
'I don't give a damn about what Pansy said,' I said, spitting her name, 'I don't care about what she thinks about me.'
'So then why run away?' he challenged.
'I wasn't running from her,' I cried out, without thinking.
'Well then why did you…'
'You! It was because of you,' I blurted out in exasperation.
'Me? I don't…' he shook his head confused.
'Because you told me that you'd changed and I believed it and then you... it seemed like you agreed with her and I just…' I trailed off as I felt that mortifying sting of tears. Turning away I slumped back onto the window ledge, burying my face in my hands.
I heard his slow movements and I was aware that he was standing in front of me when I felt his heat surrounding me. I lowered my hands to see that he had he crouched down, so that he was balancing on the tips of his toes, one hand still resting on the stone wall beside me for support. Forcing me to look at him, to meet his gaze whether I wanted to or not.
'Hermione, I have changed. I don't ever want to hurt you or anyone else again. I promise you that I will never call you a… that word again. That is not how I think of you anymore. I haven't thought about you that way for quite a while.'
'You used to,' I said quietly, 'you used to go out of your way to try and be mean to me.
'No, actually I didn't. Well, I mean I did, sometimes. You were infuriatingly perfect all of the time, but it was much more fun to wind up Potter and Weasley. They would always flip and it was funny to see their reactions, but you would just walk away. I think I only really got to you once or twice.'
'Yes, that would be the time when I slapped you,' I said smiling widely at the memory.
'You don't need to look quite so happy about it,' he grumbled, looking a bit put out.
'Well you deserved it.' I couldn't keep the smile tugging at my lips at the memory.
'Perhaps. But you didn't need to hit quite that hard.'
'Aw, did I hurt you,' I asked in a teasing voice.
'I had a hand print on my face for hours after.' He rubbed his hand along his jaw as if reliving the memory. 'I had to hide in the dormitory and pretend that I was sick just so no one would know that I'd been slapped silly.'
'Seriously?' I said, thinking of how proud Ron and Harry would be. 'I would say that I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that would be a lie.'
'Yeah I know and you're right I did deserve it,' he conceded, smiling up at me. I had to tear my gaze away before I got drawn in again.
I cleared my throat, trying to ease the awkwardness that has descended over us. 'How did you even find me here?'
'A tracking spell. That reminds me, you left your quill in the library.' He pulled out the red feather quill that Harry had given me for my birthday and held it out towards me.
I took it from his outstretched hand. 'You tracked me with my quill?' I asked, unable to keep the surprise from my voice.
'It's easy enough to do as long as you have something belonging to the person.'
'Well that's not creepy at all.'
He simply grinned up at me. 'I like to think of it as resourceful.'
'Come on, budge up. My knees sore from kneeling on the floor.' He stood up looking at me expectantly. I was looking at him wide eyed and mouth hanging open in surprise.
Without knowing what I was doing or why I was doing it, I slid up to the furthest end of the window ledge. It was wide enough for two people, but only just and as he sat down, I became very aware of just how close he was to me. His arm brushed by mine as he sat down and I felt a thrill shoot through me. I immediately scolded myself for it, reminding myself that it was Draco Malfoy that was sitting beside me.
I lapsed into another silence, wondering how I had once again found myself in another situation where I was alone with Draco Malfoy.
'What are you thinking?' Draco asked, after I had lapsed into a silence. I looked at him, deciding whether or not to answer him truthfully. I didn't want to doubt him, strangely I didn't want to hurt him, but I did want an answer. I had to know. As Harry had said, I was curious and if I didn't ask, I would sit wondering about it until I got a definite answer.
'Draco, why have you changed?'
His head shot back away from me and his eyes flashed with an emotion that I couldn't determine. Was it anger, annoyance, disappointment, regret even?
'Never mind, you don't have to tell me,' I added quickly. It was a rather personal question after all.
'No, it's fine. I think I want to. I want you to understand.' His eyes had softened and I let out the breath that I had been holding. He stayed silent and for a moment I wondered if he was actually going to tell me the truth or was he making up a story to tell me or editing the truth into something that sounded better. Eventually he took a deep breath as if to prepare himself and then continued, 'I guess in the end I just realised that we're all the same. Purebloods or muggleborns; what's the difference?
I nodded back him, trying not to let my disappointment show. I had thought he was actually going to tell me the truth, not some spun out line that he felt he had to say. That's why I was surprised when he continued.
'Do you remember Professor Burbage?'
I nodded in reply, slightly confused as to how why he would bring her up now. She had taught me in third year; when I had felt the insane need to take every single subject that Hogwarts had to offer. I hadn't seen much of her since then, after dropping the subject, but I knew that she had been one of the many to disappear during the war without a trace. I didn't even know that Draco had even been aware of who she was.
'Well, he killed her, right of front of me.' I took in a shocked gasp, that I knew he must have heard, as he glanced quickly in my direction before he subtly shifted as far away from me as he could, pressing himself further into the stone wall. He continued to look at his hands as he continued. 'By then I already knew I was on the wrong side. I mean I couldn't kill Dumbledore and what they did, bringing Greyback into the school where he could have attacked anyone and seeing Aunt Bella just going crazy, destroying everything, destroying the great hall, bringing them all back into my home, I already knew that I was in over my head. That I wasn't one of them. That I couldn't be one of them.'
I couldn't take my eyes off of him, watching every emotion on his face. I watched so carefully to see if there was any hint of falseness in his story, but all I could hear was the truth. I would have been satisfied with that answer, but there seemed to be more as he continued to wring his hands together and I listened patiently for him to continue.
'Anyway it was during the summer and all of the death eaters were staying at our house. Our punishment for failing him. So one day he called a meeting and… he tortured Professor Burbage and then he had her suspended over the table. We all had to sit around and just watch her hanging there like she was some sort of amusement, some sort of plaything. She was as close to me as you are now. She couldn't move. Her hands were tied behind her back and it was like she was screaming in pain, but no sound came out. I'll never forget the look she had in her eyes. Tears were streaming down her face and I kept watching as they dropped onto the table. She was begging for help, but what could we do. What could anyone do?'
He closed his eyes briefly, as a deadened look appeared in them and then pulled his hand through his hair again. My eyes were brimming with tears, horrified at what I was hearing. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, but I couldn't move. I felt sick. I didn't want to hear anymore. I didn't want to know what happened next. I could imagine it well enough, but I couldn't stop him. I could only sit and listen.
'She was begging Professor Snape to help her, pleading with him, but he couldn't do anything. He just had to sit there and watch. Then he killed her,' he snapped his fingers in a loud click and I jumped at the noise. 'Just like that. She fell down onto the table, right in front of me. He said all this crap about dangerous she was and how she threatened our very existence, yet all I could see was an innocent woman, completely harmless. She was a teacher. She just wanted to help people and he killed her like she was nothing. Then he called Nagini and made us all sit there, as…' he trailed off unable to say the words, looking very much like he was going to throw up.
I gripped the edge of the window ledge tightly, closing my eyes in a futile attempt at blocking out his words, practically begging him not to continue. I could imagine very well what that monstrous snake had done. If Malfoy was sickened by it, then I was certain that it was an image that I did not need in my own head. I had had my own personal encounter with that snake and I did not need to add to the memories. As my eyes blinked close, the tears I had been trying to keep at bay fell down my cheeks. I may not have known Professor Burbage very well, but I wasn't crying just for her, I was crying for of all the innocent people who would have died just as needlessly and cruelly as she had. I was also crying for the broken boy beside me who seemed unable to forgive himself for something that he had no control over.
'I think I knew before then, but that's the moment that I knew that I couldn't do it anymore. That I had to change,' he said finally looking up at me, not even looking surprised at my tears, perhaps not even registering them. 'That's the moment that I realised that I wanted nothing more to do with the lot of them. That I couldn't do what they asked me to do. That I couldn't hurt and kill muggles just because he told me to. Seeing the look in her eyes, I never want to see that look again. I never want anyone to look that way because of me.'
He looked at me, straight into my eyes and as I looked at him, it was if an unspoken message was being passed between us. I was trying, despite my tears to let him know that it was okay, that I didn't blame him and that I knew it wasn't his fault. A strange expression appeared on his face as he looked into my eyes and he broke away suddenly, taking a deep breath and sitting up straighter, recovering himself. I mirrored his actions, leaning further away from him and taking the opportunity to wipe the tears from my face.
'I thought about you nearly every day that year,' he whispered, turning to look at me once more. 'You, Potter and unfortunately Weasley. I kept thinking about what you were doing and what you were up to and just hoping that you had found something to destroy him. Then you turned up the manor. It was one of the scariest moments that I've ever had. I was so sure that you were all going to die and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.'
'But you did stop it. You could have said something the moment that we walked in who we were. You knew it was us. You knew that it was Ron and I and so you knew that it was Harry who was right in front of you and yet you said nothing. You wouldn't even look at us. If you had told them then we would have died. We owe you everything.'
'Don't try to make me the hero,' he cried, half in anger and half in anguish, before turning away from me and hiding his face once more. I sat and stared at him stunned. He really couldn't see that what he had done was good. He really couldn't see that about himself and the thought made me sad for him.
'What you did was brave.' I watched as his jaw tightened and even though I couldn't see his facial expression, I could tell that my words were upsetting him but I just wanted him to realise what he had done, I wanted to see his face, I wanted him to turn around and look at me. Slowly I reached out and gently touched one of his hands, brushing my fingers over his the back of his hand. He immediately tensed and whipped his head around in shock when he felt my touch, but he stayed firmly in place, his hand underneath mine. His gaze lingered on our hands for a moment, swallowing hard before looking back up at me, with a wary look in his eyes. 'You saved me that night. I owe you my life. And so do Harry and Ron.'
He looked hard into my eyes, his face devoid of all emotion as he processed my words. For another long moment he said nothing, sitting as still as a statue before a wry smile appeared on his lips, causing me to let out a breath of relief. 'I bet Weasley and Potter don't see it that way, but I have to say I like the idea of Weasley owing me.'
'Well, regardless, he does.' I cocked my head to the side in a thoughtful gesture. 'But you're right I wouldn't go saying that to him just yet.' I smile at the thought of Draco telling Ron that he owed him. It would not be pretty.
'It doesn't matter anyway, you saved me in the room of the requirement and again later that night, so actually I'm still in your debt,' he said, a trace of amusement in his eyes.
'Hmm, interesting,' I said, pretending to mull over this new information. I was so glad that he was back to being in a good mood. His mood swings were hard to keep up with; he would go from being sweet, to aloof, to so completely and utterly despondent. Part of me could understand. My own emotions had been so up and down lately too.
'And how do you plan to repay me?' I said turning around to face him, planning on teasing him some more, hoping that I could make him laugh. Only as I turned my head I found that he had leaned forward; his face much closer to mine than I had realised. I was so close that I could see every fleck of blue swimming amongst the shining silver in his eyes. I was so close that our noses were only a few centimetres apart. He was so close that I could feel his warm breath on my face.
'I'm sure I'll find a way.' His voice was soft, his eyes were gentle, yet intensely tracing over each and every feature of my face once more. I felt like I couldn't move as I watched him. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like every breath was a lifeline, keeping me alive. I was sure I was breathing so loudly that he must be able to hear it. He must know how much his proximity was affecting me. How my blood was racing; how my heart was pounding in my chest; how my stomach was twisted with knots; how my brain was a muddle, filled with only one thought, that I wanted him to kiss me.
As if he could read my thoughts, as if they were written in the eyes that he was intensely studying, he leaned in slightly. As his forehead rested against mine, his eyes flicked down to my parted lips before his gaze flicked back to mine, assessing my reaction, checking that I wasn't going to run away. Then ever so slowly, he tilted his head to the side and continued his decent. That moment felt like an eternity and my breathing hitched as his lips brushed lightly over mine.
In that moment, it seemed like the world had stopped. I couldn't breathe. I closed my eyes for the briefest second, losing myself completely in his touch. All I could think of was how much I wanted this. How much I wanted him. How much I wanted Draco Malfoy to kiss me.