The following morning, I walked into the great hall with Ron, Ginny and Harry and as was becoming my usual habit, my eyes immediately found him, easily recognisable by his shining white-blonde hair. As if he sensed me, he lifted his eyes to meet mine and almost immediately his face lit up with a slow smile that just about took my breath away. He mouthed the word 'hi', to me and I had to bite my lip to hide the grin that spread across my face. It took Ron nudging me, waiting for an answer to a question that I hadn't even heard, to force my eyes away and bring me back to reality.
All throughout breakfast my eyes kept involuntarily flicking over to him and each time that I did, I found his gaze firmly fixed on me, his smile becoming more and more of a self- satisfied smirk each time he caught me sneaking glances over in his direction. I found that even though winter was approaching, and the air was turning cold, I was feeling a strange heat begin to creep over me and I was fairly sure that I was blushing. I realised that I was finding it increasingly hard to keep track of what was going on around me. I was barely listening to what the others were saying, although I don't think that any of them noticed. From what I could gather they were deep in a quidditch discussion, talking strategy. The next match against Ravenclaw would take place sometime after the Christmas holidays and so Harry had upped the team's practices to give them as much preparation before the holidays as they could. I knew that they wouldn't be asking me for my opinion on anything Quidditch, so I was free to stare openly for a little while longer.
The fleeting glances between the two of us continued all throughout the day. I was sure people must be able to see; surely, they must be able to tell that there was something between us. How could they not? It was hanging tangibly in the air around us, creating some strange shift in the atmosphere whenever we were near to each other. For the rest of the day, I could feel whenever he was nearby, the heat of his stare making me very aware that I was being watched. My stomach flipped a little more each time that I saw him and when he brushed past me in the corridor, he very deliberately pushed his arm out slightly causing his fingers to gently brush against my hand making my whole-body tense and goosebumps immediately appear all over my arm. He was driving me crazy and from the satisfied glint in his eyes, he knew it.
It was however in our potions class, which was the last class of the day, when he decided to strike. As winter crept in, the temperature in the potion's classrooms continued to drop, so we were all extremely grateful that the fires were lit, meaning we would be making a potion in today's lesson. As I leaned in towards the heat of the fire, I tried my best to listen to Professor Haven as she was giving instructions for the day's potion. I knew that I hadn't been doing as well in potions class as I should have been, that I was starting to fall behind, so I was determined that I would start focusing and paying attention of I would never end up passing my NEWT.
Usefully, we were learning how to make a cure for a cold which would come in handy since half the inhabitants of the castle were suffering from bright red and runny noses, caused by the freezing winds that were blowing through the highland mountains. Despite my good intentions, my eyes were inevitably drawn to my old table, sneaking glances at its occupant. He was concentrating on chopping his mandrake roots, his brow furrowed in concentration, as his long, elegant fingers checked that each of his roots were perfectly even in size. I spent so long watching what Draco was doing that I wasn't paying attention to what I was supposed to doing. It was only when Professor Haven told us that we had little over an hour left that I panicked and realised that I really had to start concentrating or I was never going to get my own potion finished.
I had added the peppermint and was looking for the next ingredient, wormwood. I checked my supplies but realised that I had none left and so I slipped off of my stool and headed to the store cupboard.
The jar was on a higher shelf and I had to stand on my tip-toes to reach it. I took a handful of the wormwood leaves and was picking out a few of the yellow flower heads when I felt a presence in the cupboard behind me. I whipped around and nearly dropped the jar in my hand when I saw that Draco was leaning against the door frame watching me, his arms crossed. Since he had removed his cloak and the sleeves on his shirt were rolled up, my eyes were immediately drawn to the corded muscles on his arms crossed over the broad span of his chest.
'Hi,' I said, my voice coming out all breathy as my heart pumped wildly in my chest not only from the fright, but from Draco's proximity to me in the small, enclosed space.
'Hey,' he said simply, giving me a trademark Malfoy smirk that made me think he knew exactly what I was thinking.
After a moment of awkward silence, I finally spoke, 'Did you, um, need some of the Wormwood?'
He looked down at the jar in my hand before bringing his gaze back to my face. 'No.'
He continued to look at me, a strange look in his eye, as if he were waiting for the answer to a question that he hadn't even asked. Completely bemused and because he was blocking the door, I had no choice but to stay where I was.
'Um, is there a reason that you came to the potions cupboard?' I asked, 'or are you just here to admire the view?' I asked, trying to break the tension.
His eyes twinkled, and his mouth quirked up. 'Something like that.' His eyes flicked down, raking over me before returning to my face, causing me to blush furiously.
'You haven't changed your mind, then?' he asked suddenly.
'Changed my mind about what?'
'About me?'
I looked up at him, startled that he would even ask. 'Of course, not. Why would even ask me that?'
'I don't know,' he shrugged, acting as if the idea didn't bother him, although I had the strange feeling that it did. 'I just worried that maybe you might have regretted what happened?'
I blinked at him, not quite sure what to say. I didn't regret what had happened. Regret wasn't quite the right word. Kissing Draco, wanting it, needing it, feeling excited by it, feeling more alive than I had in a long time was… complicated. I knew that it was wrong, I knew that other people wouldn't understand, but I couldn't ignore the feeling that something about it had also felt so incredibly right.
I didn't know what to say to him, how to admit all that I was feeling, but I was suddenly aware just how alone we were and just how long we had been alone for and so instead of answering his question, I avoided it completely. 'Draco, I really think that we should get back to class.'
I tried to take a step away from him, but in the small cupboard it didn't make much difference. Anyone could come to the cupboard at any moment and find us together. How would we possibly explain that? It was too risky to have this conversation here and now, with the whole class just outside. 'We can talk later,' I said, lowering my eyes and trying to get past him at the door.
'No, please,' he said, stepping further inside and closing the door to the cupboard behind him. 'Hermione, I am going crazy here. You kissed me back last night, but you never really told me what you wanted. Was it just a kiss?' he asked sounding nervous, 'or is there a chance that you might want something more. With me.'
'Draco, really need to get back to class,' I said firmly, once again avoiding his gaze. We'd been here for too long as it was. What if someone noticed? What if they cane looking for us? 'We both do.'
'Meet me tonight.' He took a step forward, closing the distance between us, so that was forced to tilt my head back to look at him.
'Draco,' said warningly, almost pleadingly, although I didn't know what I was pleading him for. Did want him to leave me alone or did I want him to come closer?
'Hermione, please.' He placed one arm on the shelf beside my head and leaned in close, trapping me with his stare, his grey eyes meeting my brown ones. I should have felt trapped, panicked even, but strangely, I didn't. 'Just meet me tonight,' he asked, his voice low and insistent. 'Please. We need to talk.'
'Why?' I answered, my voice catching. I could feel the heat coming from his body. I could feel his warm breath dancing across my skin.
'So, you can get to know me better,' he smirked, and was sure he had noticed the flush once again creep up and stain my cheeks red.
'I don't know, Draco, I don't know if I'll be able to get away from the others,' I lied, knowing that I could easily get away if I wanted to. The others would easily believe that I had gone to library again. What's more Draco knew it too.
'Well, you should know that am not moving until you agree,' he said, adding a second arm to his first, caging me in. He raised one perfectly arched eyebrow in challenge.
I met his gaze for a full stubborn minute before I relented. 'Fine,' I agreed reluctantly sensing that this was one battle I would not win, one battle that I didn't really want to win. 'Not that you're leaving me much choice.'
'Excellent,' he said, ignoring the pointed look that was giving him. 'Where will we meet?'
I thought about it, trying to find somewhere that would be completely private. 'Meet me at the kitchens. Say eight?'
'Right. And the kitchens are…?'
'What? You mean you've been at Hogwarts for eight years and you haven't figured it out.'
He stared at me 'Just tell me, Granger.'
I nearly laughed at the put- out, narrow-eyed stare he levelled on me. 'Just meet me in the entrance hall at eight and I'll show you.'
'Fine,' he grumbled.
'So... can you actually let me past?' I said taking a step forward to get past him and back out to the class. However, he didn't budge. He stood firm, his arm blocking my way. I turned my head to look up at him in question, only to find him staring at me intently. The second that my eyes met his, he swooped down, touching his lips to mine in the briefest of kisses. As soon as my eyes closed, he pulled away and turned and walked out of the door, leaving me standing completely breathless, totally stunned and definitely wanting more.
That night at dinner, I found that I could barely eat a thing. I was too preoccupied with the fact that I would seeing Draco again and we would be completely alone. I couldn't decide which emotion was more prevalent, nervousness or excitement. Once we were back in the common room, I kept looking at my watch, counting down the minutes until I could come up with my excuse to leave. Luckily, Harry and Ginny announced just after seven that they were going for a 'walk'.
Unfortunately, that meant that I was left alone with Ron who proved harder to be rid of. When I said I was going to the library, he said he would come too. When I said I was going to do my transfiguration homework, he said, great, I could help him with his.
Which is how I ended up with only ten minutes until I was supposed to meet Draco, sitting in the library with Ron, working on transfiguration. I was feeling equal parts frustration and desperation, knowing that if I stood Draco up, I likely wouldn't have another chance.
Knowing that I needed to get away, I did the only thing that I could. I lied.
'Oh, I just remembered,' I said to him, trying hide the deception from my voice. 'I actually need to go and ask Professor Vector something about the assignment she gave us.'
'I could come with you if you like?
'No, it's fine,' I said, struggling not to let the panic show. 'You stay and finish your homework I'll see you later.'
As I shoved my books away and hurried out of the library, leaving Ron sitting alone, any guilt I may have felt was quickly erased when I looked at my watch and realised that I had less than ten minutes to get to the kitchens.
I was over five minutes late by the time I reached the empty entrance hall. Empty all except for Draco, who was pacing back and forth along the hard stone floor, a deep frown etched onto his features.
'I'm so sorry I'm late,' I said breathlessly, as I rushed over to him.
'I wasn't sure that you were going to show,' he said, a strange look working behind his eyes.
'I got held up,' I offered apologetically. 'Ready?'
The look disappeared and he swept out an arm in front of him. 'Lead the way.'
He followed me closely as I took him down the stairs leading to the basement. He was so close that all I had to do was reach out a hand and touch him and so I kept my hand firmly pinned to my side, fighting the temptation.
I hurried along the empty, yet well-lit corridor, all too aware that someone could see us together at any moment. The kitchen was near the Hufflepuff common room after all. At any minute, one of them could appear and see us.
'Is there a reason why we're running?'
'We're not running, we're walking quickly,' I corrected. 'And I don't want to be seen. We're not meant to be going to the kitchens after all,' I offered as an explanation, that wasn't entirely untrue.
'Right,' Draco murmured from behind me, not sounding entirely convinced.
I turned the corner, stopping halfway down the corridor in front of a small painting of a bowl of fruit. 'We're here,' I announced.
Draco stood beside me, peering at the obscure looking painting. 'Do we have a password?'
'You don't need one. Just tickle the pear.'
'Excuse me?' he said, looking at me as if I was somehow trying to trick him.
'I swear,' I laughed, holding my hands up in defence. 'Honestly, all you have to do is tickle the pear.'
With a look that promised retribution if I was tricking him, Draco reached out a hand and extended one long finger, gently tickling the canvas pear. The pear let out a squeaky giggle and gave a soft shiver as it shifted and changed into a large green door handle.
'I'll let you do the honours,' I said, trying to keep the 'I told you so look,' from my face.
I followed Draco into the kitchens, watching as he looked around in curiosity. House elves were scurrying around, clearing up after the night's dinner. A conveyor of plates lined up being dunked into the sink, scrubbed, rinsed, dried before being settled in a tidy pile, whilst numerous house elves oversaw the process. Pots and pans whizzed overhead, while various items were all magically returned to various cupboards around the room.
'I never even knew these were here.'
I turned around the look him. 'Where exactly did you think the food came from?
'I dunno,' he shrugged. 'I suppose I never really thought about it.'
'Of course, you didn't,' I mumbled. Although something about the way he looked at me made me think I hadn't been quite as quiet as I had hoped.
One of the house elves broke away from the others and immediately began bowing to first me, then to Draco, then back to me. He would have probably kept going had I not cut him off with a quick, but definite 'Good evening'.
'Miss Granger,' he said on a final bow. 'You has come back again. You has not been here in quite some while.'
'No, no I haven't,' I replied with a smile, surprised that they would remember me. It had been a number of years since I'd last visited the kitchens. However, I soon realised that the house elf wasn't looking at me anymore, their large eyes were in fact, staring at Draco who was standing silently beside me. 'Erm, this Draco. Draco Malfoy.'
I didn't miss the widening of the elf's eyes as he heard Draco's full name and as I flicked a glance over to Draco, I knew that he hadn't missed it either.
However, the house elf gave a hard swallow, giving in to its nature of being polite at all times. 'You is most welcome, Master Malfoy.'
Draco simply nodded once before he glanced back to me, looking as if he didn't quite know what he was supposed to say.
I gave him a pointed look followed by an eye-roll, before turning back to the elf, brushing over the awkwardness with a smile. 'I'm so sorry to trouble you, I know you are all incredibly busy after dinner, but we were wondering if we could perhaps sit in here for a while? Don't worry, we'll stay out of your way.'
'Oh, but of course miss,' he beamed. 'Of course, you must be staying. We will be getting anything you need. Anything at all.'
He motioned for use to follow him and with me in front and Draco trailing as we moved in between the four large tables that were situated within the room, stopping at one of the middle ones, near to the large brick fireplace at the far end of the room. Just as I was about to pull out my chair, Draco beat me to it and held out a chair for me to sit on. I could only stare at him mutely. Nobody had ever held out my chair before. My stomach gave that little flutter, and I could feel myself smile as I sat down.
'What a gentleman,' I teased, finding my voice, watching as he moved around the table to his own chair. He just shrugged his shoulders but couldn't keep the grin off of his face as he settled into the chair opposite mine.
As the elf, left us alone, saying that he would back in a few moments, we fell into a not entirely comfortable silence, although I imagined our discomfort was probably for very different reasons. I couldn't help but watch as Draco's eyes darted about watching the house elves at work. He had probably never been in such close proximity to so many house elves and certainly not ones that he couldn't order about.
Draco pulled his eyes away and turned back to find me watching him. His face quickly blanked before a smile settled in its place. 'So, I guess you must be hungry,' he said suddenly, catching me off guard. 'You didn't eat much at dinner,' he added, leaning casually back in his chair with a definite glint in his eye.
'And how on earth would you know that I didn't each much for dinner?' I had of course seen him at dinner. It was becoming a part of my routine to walk into the great hall and scan around to check if he was there. So of course, I had seen him at dinner, talking to Blaise Zabini, but he hadn't seemed to notice me.
'It's a gift. I know everything,' he said, his voice laced with fake arrogance.
'Or you were just being a stalker and couldn't keep your eyes off of me,' I suggested, unable to keep the laughter from my voice.
He looked me square in the eyes for a moment, before grinning and sliding his eyes to side. 'And why couldn't you eat your dinner I wonder?' he said returning his gaze to mine, 'Was it because you were just too nervous because you knew you would be seeing me later?' Once again, he smirked at the blush that was staining my cheeks, giving him all the answers he needed.
'What are we having to eat then? Since you deprived me of my dinner,' I asked him, trying to change the subject and avoid the eyes that kept boring into mine.
'How about dessert? Apple pie?'
'Apple pie are you serious?' I asked in mock horror.
'What?' he asked with a confused laugh.
'Apple pie? How could anyone choose apple pie for dessert when chocolate is an option?' I tutted and gave a loud, disappointed sigh. 'And here was me thinking that we were getting along.'
'Hey, if you are dissing apple pie, then you and I are going to have a serious falling out.'
I was smiling at him when an elf called Topney came and asked us what we both wanted. asked for a cold apple pie with cream and I asked for a hot chocolate fudge cake with ice cream. I waited until the elf had left the table before I turned back to Draco.
'And to think that I actually like someone who's a fan of cold deserts and apple pie no less. Such poor tastes.'
I watched as the smile slid off of his face as a strange look appeared in his eye.
'What? What is it?' I asked, wondering what had caused the sudden change in his demeanour.
'You like me?' he said, his voice quiet, as the beginning of a small smile tugged at the edges of his lips.
I opened my mouth to answer him and then closed it again quickly. I hadn't even realised what I had said but thinking about it I realised that it was true. Strangely enough he was the person in the day that I most looked forward to seeing. He was the person that made me feel excited, taking my breath away and giving me that strange thrill whenever he was near. But more than that, I could talk to him. He was the only person who I had actually told things to. Things that my best friends still didn't know. Looking at his face I wasn't sure which answer he actually wanted to hear, but I decided to go with the honest answer.
'Of course I like you . We're…' I hesitated, not quite sure to describe what Draco was to me. We had kissed, I wanted to do it again, but I didn't know if felt the same way. Using any other word seemed surreal, so I settled for one that we had agreed on before. One that I knew wasn't right. One that I knew wasn't enough, yet I didn't know what else to say. 'We're friends.'
'Friends,' he repeated, his lips falling back into a hard straight line. I nodded in agreement, wishing that I could say more. looked back at me with what something akin to disappointment, before he looked away from me again and stared at the wall. He stayed silent for a while and I watched as the muscles in his jaw worked furiously and he repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fist. I sat in silence wondering what I had said that was wrong.
'Hermione, I don't just want to be friends with you,' he said eventually, meeting my gaze for the briefest second before it flicked away again, 'I want to be more than that.'
'I don't know what you mean,' I said warily, although secretly I hoped that I did know what he meant. I just didn't want to be the one to say it first.
let out a groan of exasperation. 'Damn it, Hermione, you know exactly what I mean. I like you. I want to spend time with you. I want to be with you.'
'What like boyfriend and girlfriend?' I asked, not sure if I was horrified by the description or thrilled by it.
'If you want to put a label on it, then yes,' he said simply and with such honesty that it startled me.
A million different thoughts entered into my head. A million different scenarios where I played over what the outcome of us together could possibly be. Could it ever really work between us or were we doomed to fail before we had even started?
I knew deep down that this was the point of no return. The was the moment that would change everything. I knew that if I turned him down now, I wouldn't get another opportunity. This was the moment where I had to decide if I should listen to my head or for once, take a chance and follow what my heart.
Still undecided, I looked up into his eyes and with what I saw there, all of my doubts disappeared. Even if I wasn't sure, Draco was. His eyes held not one trace of doubt. He knew what he wanted. He was certain of it. And his certainty helped to bolster mine.
Knowing that there was no going back, I took a deep breath. 'Okay then,' I answered, sounding surer than I felt.
'Really?' he whispered, his eyes disbelieving and yet… happy. 'We're really going to do this? You and me. We're going to give this a go?
'Yeah, I mean,' I gave a small shrug and looked up at him from under my lashes, a shy smile forming on my lips, 'if you want to.'
'Seriously? Of course, I do.' He leaned forward in his seat and closing the distance between us.
'Okay, then,' I said smiling up at him, my heart hammering in both fear and with the thrill of it. Just at that moment a house elf reappeared with our desserts, forcing us to break eye contact. When he finally moved away, I nervously met his eyes before tucking into my dessert. As the first spoonful of warm, delicious chocolate passed my lips I let out an involuntary moan of approval, which made Draco chuckle from the other side of the table.
I finished my dessert first. I guess I had been hungrier than I had realised. Once I placed my spoon back down on my plate, I couldn't help but watch Draco as he was eating. Noticing how relaxed he seemed. There was almost a small smile at the edge of his mouth and for nearly the first time in eight years I couldn't help but think that he looked almost happy. He looked different this way. The contrast to his usual features was startling and I wished that everyone could get to see this Draco. Could get the chance to know him. But thinking of Harry and Ron I knew that it would never happen. They would never even give him the chance to show them that he had changed. And they certainly wouldn't like me with him.
I had taken a chance on choosing to be with Draco, but I wasn't sure I was willing to take that chance with Ron and Harry. Not yet anyway. I didn't want them to turn their backs on me. I didn't want to be alone.
'Erm, Draco, about this, about us,' I said gesturing between the two of us,' Can I ask you something?'
'Sure,' he answered, eyeing me warily. He dropped his spoon onto his plate with a clatter and a house elf immediately came to remove it. I waited until they had left before I spoke.
'Can we just keep this between us, for now? I mean just for a little while.'
Draco's eyes immediately hardened, and he crossed his arms across his chest.
'I just don't think that people will understand,' I said trying to justify myself, trying to make him understand, 'and they'll be judging us and interfering, and I just want it to be us for a little while before everyone else comes in and ruins things.'
'Hermione, I don't give a damn what people think. I want to be with you and if you want to be with me, then that's all that should matter,' he challenged, fire sparking in his eyes.
'Then why can't we be together?' I said desperately, 'Why can't we just spend some time together and see what happens, instead of complicating things with other people?'
'Hermione, I…' he began before I cut him off.
'Please,' I pleaded softly. 'Please.'
I could tell that he was thinking about it as he sighed deeply, closing his eyes as his jaw clenched furiously, before he opened them and reluctantly said, 'Fine. We'll do it your way. For now.'
I didn't miss the warning in his words, but I had bought myself some time at least. Why risk rocking the boat if you weren't sure that it was the right boat for you in the first place? At least I could find out for sure if there was anything between us before having to face Harry and Ron's wrath.
'Thank you,' I sighed in relief. Draco nodded shortly but I could see that he disagreed with me. Thinking that we were better to take things slowly I decided to call it a night. 'I should go,' I say reluctantly, 'it's getting late.'
'Fine,' he said deliberately not looking at me as I walked to the door. I was about to leave, but I didn't want to leave things awkwardly, so I turned around and said, 'Draco, please don't be mad at me. It's only for a little while I promise.'
'I'm not mad,' he answered, lifting his head to look me straight in the eye, 'I'm just… disappointed.'
Somehow that hurt me even more.