I tried not to let the whispers and stares get to me. But it wasn't easy. They followed me everywhere I went from the second I got up in the morning, to the second I closed my eyes at night. Although that wasn't technically true because the moment I entered the dormitory, the whispers and the chatting abruptly halted, replaced with an icy oppressive silence.
I knew that they were judging me. They had made it very clear what they thought of me. Lavender had looked at me with blatant disgust, echoing Ron's sentiments that I was a deatheater sympathiser. She even went so far as to say that she didn't want to stay in the same room as me. Her protest only lasted a day, but it hurt all the same. Yet Lavender's attitude was nothing compared to Ginny's. I had known Ginny for a long time. Over the years we had only grown closer until she was one of my closest friends. But blood truly did run thicker than water.
When the confrontation came, it had been ugly. I had expected Ginny's anger, braced for it, but it didn't lessen the blow. I had lied to her, to them all she had said. I had broken her brother's heart and she would never forgive me for hurting him, especially now, not with everything that he had been through. Warning with her parting words that I wasn't to go running to her when Draco broke my heart. That I deserved everything that I had coming to me. She hadn't even listened when I had tried to explain how unfair she was being before those flames of temper had cooled into icy sparks of rage and she had frozen me out completely.
It had been weeks since that argument and she had been true to her word. She hadn't uttered a word to me since, hadn't so much as looked my way. Draco had threatened to hex her if I wanted. I was fairly sure that he was joking but from the dark threatening glances he kept shooting at those who whispered about us whenever we passed, I wasn't so sure. Something that was only helping to solidify people's opinions that he hadn't changed. That I was a stupid fool for being with him.
I knew that they were wrong. I knew that I wasn't a fool for being with Draco. I knew that I knew him in a way that no one else did and I clung to that. I had to. I had to keep believing that, believing in him, because I had lost too much already.
Harry still spoke to me, but he was one of the only ones who did. Although we spoke, the conversations we had were short and forced, a wide gulf between us that neither of us acknowledged. Luna was the only one who treated me with any sense of normalcy, the only one who still treated like I hadn't lost my mind, but as she was so often with Neville and he could barely meet my eye, it was easier to just be alone.
As the day's past, I felt like I had been plunged back into that hole of darkness, that pit of loneliness that I dwelled in all summer. Yet this time was worse. This time I didn't have to imagine my friends ignoring me; this time I couldn't try to find explanations or excuses for them because I could see it. I was faced with it every day. I watched one by one as everyone around me turned their backs on me.
Draco was my only lifeline. My only light in the dark. I wouldn't have made it without him.
We never spoke about what had happened, about my friends, about what was happening, but I knew that Draco was trying to distract me from the heartache that he knew I was feeling. He seemed to have made it his personal mission to be my protector, my comforter and to try to make up for everything that he knew I had lost just by being with him. He was trying, but the hurt and the ache was always there and not even he could make it disappear.
I had thought that time might help. That if I was only patient then they would see Draco and I together and they would realise that he wasn't what they thought he was, that I wasn't making a mistake. Harry had said that he would try, but he was walking a fine line with his best friend and girlfriend on one side and me on the other and I knew deep down that if it came to it, Harry would not choose to fall on my side. After everything that we had been through, after everything we had done together, it hurt, but I also knew deep down in my soul that Harry would not risk alienating Ron and Ginny, not for me and certainly not for Draco Malfoy.
However, any hopes that I may have had of time being a healer, of my friends giving me a chance to explain, or at least opening a small crack in the wall that they had resurrected around themselves to let me back in, were promptly dispelled. Draco and I had been spending a lot of time together. Draco's friends didn't seem particularly concerned about the news, or if they did, they didn't show it, but Draco knew that I didn't have anyone else. He sat with me for mealtimes, walked me to class and spent most of his free time with me, trying to make me feel that little bit less alone.
Perhaps it was wrong of me, but I had managed to avoid seeing all of my friends directly, arriving at the last minute to classes, hanging back and letting them leave first and generally avoiding the Gryffindor common room. I told myself it was to avoid any awkward encounters or confrontations, but I knew deep down that it was because I couldn't bear to see the looks on their faces as they ignored me. But of course, it couldn't be avoided forever.
Draco was, as had become usual, walking me to the class, as he did whenever he could. Unusually for him, he was chatting about everything and nothing. About quidditch, about potions class, about a time when he had got lost in Gringotts as a child and had to be rescued by a troop of goblins. I knew he was trying to distract me from the whispers and stares all around me. It was nearly working until I felt Draco stiffen beside me.
I looked up at him and followed his eyeline to see Harry, Ron and Ginny walking along the narrow corridor towards us. As one, they stopped dead, staring at me, the easy looks on their faces wiped clear as they looked at us.
I opened my mouth to speak but closed promptly closed it again when I realised that I didn't know what to say. Ron's eyes immediately went to my hand that was firmly clasped in Draco's. A hand that Draco gave a comforting squeeze. Letting me know that he was there for me if I needed him. Ron's lip curled up into a look of disgust that was so reminiscent of the wizard beside me that it startled me to see it on Ron's usually placid face. Ginny's face wasn't much better, her eyes flicking over me before she turned away with a snort of disdain, as if I were beneath her notice.
Draco and I stayed standing, side by side, bracing as they walked past us. Only Harry looked over at me giving me a small shrug of his shoulders that I knew meant 'what was I expecting?'
It was only as they disappeared out of sight around the corner that I let out the breath that I hadn't realised I had been holding. A breath that came out in shaking, stuttering spurts that I couldn't control. A breath that was fast deteriorating into something else. Before that could happen, Draco whirled me around, pulled on my hand and led me down a corridor, ushering me into a disused classroom.
He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into the warm comfort of his chest as the sobs became uncontrollable.
'I'm sorry. I'm sorry,' he soothed, stroking my hair. He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my temple and even as I clung to him, even as I accepted his heat and his comfort, I couldn't help the unwanted thoughts that had worked their way into my brain, wondering if it was all worth it.
Draco had been reluctant to leave me, knowing how upset I been, but he had quidditch practise and I found that I wanted to be alone, so I told him I was fine and went to the library. It was one of the few places I could avoid the whispers and stares, easily hiding amongst the bookcases and alcoves. But I clearly hadn't hidden myself well enough. I had thought it was strange that none of the Slytherins seemed to pass comment about Draco and me. I almost didn't want to know the reason why they didn't, suspecting Draco had perhaps warned them against trying. But I should have known that for some of them, they were simply biding their time, waiting for the opportune moment to strike.
I had been deep in my studies, lost in my own thoughts when Pansy Parkinson and a group of Slytherin girls that I didn't really know crowded around the table that I was working at.
'Oh look girls, its Malfoy's pet mudblood. How sweet,' she said in a saccharine sweet voice that was laden with the heavy tones of sarcasm. I tried not to flinch at the insult that she used, but it was a word that still held too many memories.
'Can I help you?' I asked, lifting my head and giving her an apathetic smile. I closed the book I was reading and edged my hand an inch or two closer to my wand. The war may have ended, but a year on edge and living in fear had heightened my reflexes. My response was clearly not what she wanted or expected, but she quickly hid her reaction and pulled out the chair opposite me, sitting down and staring at me. She waved her friends away and they walked over to a nearby bookcase, their eyes still on Pansy and me.
'So, you and Draco?' She tilted her head to the side, looking at me with wide, questioning eyes, as if we were simply two old friends sharing secrets with one another.
'Draco and I, what?'
'You're together.' Not a question I noted, a statement.
I gave her a tight smile. 'Clearly.'
'Hmm, that must be difficult with your friends, what with your pasts.'
I levelled a stare on her. She knew, everyone knew, the whole castle knew that my friends were no longer speaking to me and I knew that this was her way of twisting the knife that was already lodged deep in my gut. 'What is it that you want, Pansy?'
'I just thought it was time we had a little chat. You and I.'
'A chat about what?'
Her eyes flashed and she drummed her long fingers against the wood of the table in one quick pass. 'Why about Draco, of course. It's just so dreadful, don't you think? What the ministry are doing to him and his family.' She shook her head and tutted once as if she was thinking on something terrible. Draco had told me a little bit about his family, but he had never mentioned anything about the ministry causing problems. I tried to keep my expression blank as uneasiness stirred inside me at the knowledge that she knew something that I didn't.
'Oh. Didn't you know?' Her voice was laced with mock concern, but she gave me a pitying look. 'He probably just didn't want you to worry. I mean you've got enough to be worry about just now, considering what everyone is saying…'
She trailed off with a shrug and I grit my teeth, knowing that she was baiting me, knowing that she was taking great satisfaction at my ignorance and yet even knowing all of that, I still found myself asking, 'Saying what?'
'Oh, you know,' she waved an idle hand between us. 'About the fact that he's just using you. I mean what with you being who you are, the Gryffindor princess, darling of the wizarding world and a... muggleborn. He needs to do something to restore his family's reputation and if being with you doesn't get people to think he's changed,' she shrugged, 'then what will? It will probably help to take some of the pressure off him, for a while. He's got to do everything he can to show them he's innocent... at least for now.'
I hid my trembling hands beneath the table. I didn't have a clever comeback. I couldn't argue with what she was saying. I couldn't deny that it was true, because in my head what she was saying made complete and utter sense, even as my heart was trying to deny every single word. 'Meaning what?'
She leaned in further across the table, ready to deliver her ultimate blow. 'I'll level with you Granger, girl to girl, because what Draco's doing isn't fair to you and I think it's only right to warn you, before this goes any further; before you end up falling for him, before he breaks your heart.'
My eyes shot to her face and she tilted her head, looking at me closely, seeing the emotion that I had unwittingly shown on my face. 'Unless you've already fallen for him. Have you?' she prompted. I should have stood up. I should have walked away. I shouldn't have entered into the game with Pansy because she was infinitely better at playing it than I was.
As it was, I stayed, her question bouncing around inside my head. Did I love Draco? I thought back to Christmas, to laughing, to joking, to playing chess, to lying with him on the couch, to waking up in his arms. Fear crawled its way up my throat as I came to a startling realisation. I thought I'd been in love before. I'd thought for a long time that I'd loved Ron. I had thought that those feelings I had felt were love. But I'd been wrong. What I felt for Draco was greater than anything I'd ever felt for Ron. It was more powerful; it was all encompassing. And it frightened me. If I'd been hurt when Ron had left me, how would it feel if Draco did the same?
I'd almost forgotten about Pansy. So deep in my own panic, I'd forgotten that she was sitting across from me, watching my every reaction. 'Oh dear. You already do.'
My breath was shallow and uneven. I willed myself to calm down, exhaling and inhaling in measured breaths until my panicked heart rate began to slow. It didn't matter to Pansy that I wasn't committing to the conversation, she seemed happy enough to talk for the both of us.
'I don't want to hurt you, Granger, but I feel it's only fair that you know.' I forced myself to meet her eyes, trying to hold back the first sting of tears. She didn't want to hurt me. I didn't believe that for a second. I knew that she was taking pleasure in tearing me apart, but she wasn't finished yet. 'You do know that I've known Draco for my entire life? I know him intimately.' She said the word slowly, caressing each syllable that left me in no doubt of just how intimately she knew him. 'I know every single part of him.' Now I wasn't only trying to hold my tears at bay, I was desperately trying to stop the wave of nausea that was clawing its way up my throat. 'I'm the first girl he told he loved, and you know what they say about first loves? They're the ones that stay with you forever. I know what he's doing, I understand why he needs to do it. But I know him. I know who the real Draco is and this,' she reached out one pointed finger and gestured to me, 'isn't it. Draco is mine and it's only a matter of time before he comes back to me.'
I managed to swallow down my rising fear and panic. 'Then I guess you have nothing to worry about,' I said evenly, giving a shrug with a confidence I wasn't sure I felt.
'You're smart, Granger,' she said, nudging my transfiguration book. 'Think about it. Really think about it and you know I'm telling you the truth.
'Thanks for the warning,' I said, struggling to keep my tone even. I would never show Pansy Parkinson how much she affected me. I wouldn't let her see that she had just scored a winning point.
'Oh, no problem,' she said sweetly, turning away and signalling for her posse to follow her. 'Us girls have to stick together.'
After Pansy left me alone, I found that I couldn't concentrate, mulling over her words. I cared for Draco, of course I did. I wouldn't have hurt every single one of my friends if I hadn't, but that other thing- love. I could barely even bring myself to say the word in my head. I couldn't even contemplate what that would mean, loving him. Because loving someone didn't mean a thing. I'd learned that the hard way. Loving someone didn't make them stay by your side and loving someone only made it hurt all the more when they eventually walked away.
Not that I believed Pansy. I did trust Draco. I was sure that I did and I knew that Pansy wasn't simply acting out of the goodness of her heart. She wasn't simply trying to look out for my best interests. She was simply trying to stir up trouble, I knew that she was. The only problem was her words had a massive grain of truth that I found I couldn't ignore.
By the time I went down to the great hall for dinner, Pansy's words were still circling round in my head. I walked into the great hall, my eyes sweeping over to where my friends, or former friends as they had become sat laughing and joking together, not even missing my absence. Every day I tried not to look and every day I failed. I was trying so hard not to look at them, that I completely missed what was happening in the seat that had become mine and Draco's usual spot. But when I did look up, my feet stopped dead as that nausea threatened to break free once more.
Draco was sitting where we usually sat, already eating. But my seat, the seat that I usually occupied to his left was already occupied. Pansy Parkinson was sitting beside Draco, facing the wrong way on the bench, her back to the table, so she could see me coming. So she could watch the expression on my face as I watched her. It was one thing to hear about Draco's past, it was another thing entirely to see it presented in front of me; the fear I didn't even know I had laid out before me in a horrifying spectacle.
As I stood, rooted to the spot, I watched them. I didn't know what they were talking about, but I could see exactly the way she was reacting. She tossed her glossy black hair over her shoulder and leant in close to him, laying her hand lightly on his back every so often. Draco must have turned into a comedian since I had last spoken to him as Pansy kept giggling and throwing her head back in laughter, tittering as she reached out to touch him gently on his thigh. A touch that he didn't rebuke. Jealousy was an emotion that I was all too familiar with and no matter how hard I tried not to, I couldn't help but compare myself to her. She was designer, I was high street. Her nails were manicured to perfection, my own were short and worn. Whereas her hair was glossy, smooth and straight, mine was curly and frizzy. Whereas she oozed confidence and self-assurance, I laboured over every decision. Whereas she was a pureblood, I was most definitely not. Seeing them together, pale blond beside contrasting dark, they seemed like a perfect couple. Like a perfect fit. I was about as far at the opposite end of the spectrum as it was possible to be. If he had liked her, if he had loved her, then what on earth did he see in me?
I whirled around unable to watch anymore but as I did I caught another pair of eyes watching me from across the hall. Ron. From the expression on his face, he had seen everything. I ducked my head with embarrassment and shame, leaving the hall as quickly as I could, even though I could feel her eyes on me with every step that I took, revelling in her victory.
I stormed into the common room, furious with Pansy, furious with Draco and most of all furious with myself for letting her get to me. Draco and I had been fine. When it had just been the two of us, everything had been fine. I was right when I had predicted that things would get complicated once everyone else knew. I just hadn't realised how complicated. Full of that frustration, I headed over to the stairs wanting to hide away in my dormitory when I heard a voice ring out from behind me. From where he had followed me back to the common room.
'Trouble in paradise?' Ron said, his mouth twisted in a sneer.
'Excuse me?' I asked, stunned by the cruelness in Ron's voice.
'I said, trouble in paradise. I knew Malfoy would get bored eventually, but I have to admit, even I didn't think it would be so soon.'
His words stung, and I did my best to blink back the tears that immediately pricked my eyes. I knew Ron was lashing out because he was hurting, but he was hurting me too. He just didn't know how much. After what Pansy had said, I felt raw and vulnerable and Ron's words were like pouring salt into a freshly cut wound.
All I wanted in that moment was for Ron to be my friend. To pull me into his arms and tell me that everything was going to be fine. I wanted my friend back. I wanted things to be back to normal, like how they used to me. 'Ron, can we talk about this? Please?' I added, trying to keep my voice from shaking.
'I don't really think there's anything to say. Do you?' he said, raising one eyebrow in question.
'Of course I do,' I said desperately, trying not to be hurt when he took a step back as I stepped forward. 'We're friends and I want you to understand. I need you to listen to me.' Ron simply scoffed and flopped down on the couch, picking up a book and pretending to read it. I moved over to stand beside him, ignoring the people heading through the common room and to the portrait hole.
'Ron, we have been friends for eight years. Think of all that we've been through. Are you really going to throw all of that away?'
'Me! How exactly am I the one throwing this away?' he said incredulously, throwing the book to the side and standing up again. 'You made your choice. You picked your side.'
'Ron, don't you get it! The war is over. There aren't sides anymore. We didn't go through of all of it for the same old prejudices to stay the same. If we want people to stop treating muggle borns differently, then we have to start treating all the purebloods and Slytherins differently too. Otherwise, when does it ever end? Draco can see that, why can't you?' Of course, that was the wrong thing to say.
'Oh yes, I'm sure Draco is just a regular saint now. When did you become so easy to fool, Hermione?'
I sighed deeply and closed my eyes, pressing my hands against my throbbing temples. There was only so many times I could bang my head against a brick wall and at that moment my head was ready to explode from the pain. Deciding that I needed to walk away, that I needed to protect my sanity, I lowered my hands and opened my eyes. 'You know what, Ron; I'm done trying to explain myself to you. You have done plenty of things over the years and I have never once held it against you. I have never been cruel to you. I have always been there for you. I need you right now and if you can't be there for me then clearly I don't mean anything to you at all?'
I turned away from Ron, heading to my dormitory where I was quite sure I would spend the rest of the night with my head under the covers, sobbing into my pillow.
'Hermione, wait,' Ron cried out as I was just about to round the corner and leave the common room. Warily I turned around to face him, unsure whether or not to prepare for another insult. Ron's face was twisted with an anguish that transferred to his voice.
'Hermione, don't you understand? Can't you see what this is doing to me?' He grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him. In truth I could see what it was doing to him. Every time I looked at him, I could see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes and it hurt me to know that I had put it there. But I knew Ron and so I braced myself for what Ron usually did when he was hurt- lash out. I was expecting him to insult me or Draco, but he managed to stun me with the words that eventually come out of his mouth.
'I'm in love with you, Hermione. I love you. And it is killing me watching you with him.'
In that moment time seemed to stand still. I was stunned into complete silence and my brain couldn't seem to quite process what was happening. He had mentioned something before, hinted at it, but he had just broken up with Lavender and my head had been so full of Draco that I never really listened to what he was saying. But I heard him now. I was paying full attention now. The sincerity and agony in his eyes told me that what he was saying was true. Instead of piercing my heart, I felt the cruel twist of a bitter knife deep in my stomach.
'Ron, I ...' I stuttered eventually, not knowing what to say. It was like some cruel joke. This is what I had wanted for years. What I'd dreamed about. They were the words that I had always wanted to hear. Yet it was too late. I didn't love him. Not in that way.
'I love you, Hermione,' Ron said, stepping in close to me. 'I have loved you for years and it kills me that I hurt you, that I pushed you away.' Gently he took my hand in his, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles once before lifting our enclosed hands to his chest. It was a gesture so unusual for Ron that it stole my breath away. 'It kills me that you didn't wait for me. That you turned to him instead.'
'Ron,' I whispered, unable to say anything else.
'You love me, Hermione.' He lowered his forehead so that it rested against mine. 'I know you do. I've seen it. That doesn't just disappear.'
I pulled my head back, my throat clogging with tears. 'Ron, I will always love you,' I said feeling guilty as his eyes lit up with the bright spark of hope. I dropped his hand from mine and his eyes watched my movement with a confused look. 'I love you as a friend. I did love you that way once. For a long time actually.' I thought of all the years that I'd loved Ron. For all the times that I'd dreamt that he would say these words to me. Then I thought of all of the tears that I'd cried for him. All of the hurt that he caused me when he turned to Lavender instead. My heart didn't flutter when I saw him anymore. It fluttered for someone else. 'But I don't feel that way anymore. I'm sorry.'
'So what. You love Malfoy now, is that it?'
I flinched at his words, still reeling from my earlier discovery. Ron saw it. Of course, he did. He was standing so close to me that he couldn't miss it. His eyes widened in horror and the colour leeched from his face.
'You love him,' he whispered, his voice breaking. I didn't say anything because I couldn't admit it, nor could I bring myself to deny it.
'Are you trying to hurt me?' His voice was hoarse, his face ravaged, and I felt his pain as if it were my own. 'Are you trying to punish me for what I've done? Picked the one guy that I hate more than anything in the world just to make me suffer?'
'Ron, I'm not trying to hurt you and I'm not trying to punish you. I just… I can't explain it.'
Reaching out in one swift movement, Ron grabbed my arms and pulled me close to him, looking deeply into my eyes. 'Has put you under the imperius curse or something?'
I pulled myself out of his grip. 'Of course not.'
'Think about it, Hermione. How could he like you? This is Malfoy we're talking about. He's hated you for years. Feelings like that don't just change. Have you forgotten all the times he made fun of you? Of your teeth, your hair. Have you forgotten all the curses and hexes that he fired at you? Have you forgotten that he wanted you dead when the Chamber of Secrets was open? How he called you a mudblood for years? That he was responsible for Dumbledore dying. Hell, have you forgotten that he stood by and watched you be tortured?'
That was the problem with the people you care most about. They have the power to hurt you the most. They know every single thing about you, and they know which strings to pull to unleash the most hurt. The strings Ron pulled, the words he said, played on every insecurity that I had and brought them right back to the surface. The tears that had pooled in my eyes had long since spilled over, trailing tracks of hurt down my cheek. 'Ron, stop it, I choked out.
'No I won't. You need to hear this.' He reached forward, grabbing my arms, his grip bruising, shaking me with his words. 'I love you, Hermione. Do you think he can say the same? He will never love you like I do. He probably isn't even capable of loving anyone, least of all someone like you.'
'Someone like me?' I whispered.
'He thinks you're a mudblood. He has been brought up hating people like you. His family hate people like you. Do you think that they'll let him be with you? That he'll choose you over them. He thinks you have filthy blood and feelings like that can't change. How can he possibly ever love you?'
I tugged my arms out of his grip and step back. 'You're wrong, Ron.' But even I could hear the doubt in my voice.
'No, I'm not. And what's more you know I'm not. To him, you're just another notch on the bedpost. You're a conquest for him. Get the mudblood to fall in love with the deatheater. He's probably in the Slytherin common room right now, laughing at you, at how gullible you are. How easy you were.'
'Ron, stop it,' I managed to gasp. My throat had gone deathly dry and my whole body had gone cold. I didn't believe Ron and yet that was the second time someone had said that exact thing to me. Pansy said something nearly identical to me just earlier that day. Draco was using me. He couldn't ever love me. I didn't want to believe them. I knew Draco. I knew he was not lying to me. And yet...
'A dragon can't change its hide, Hermione,' Ron said, coming towards me as he attempted to wrap his arms around my shoulders. 'You know I'm right.'
'Why are you doing this, Ron? Why are you being so cruel?'
He frowned as I pushed his hands away. 'I'm not being cruel, Hermione. I'm being realistic and the reality is it's him or me.'
'What do you mean?' I whispered, fearing that I already knew.
'You can't have both of us, so which one will it be? Him or me?'
The panic was overwhelming as I looked into his accusing eyes.
'It doesn't have to be this way, Ron, why can't you just be my friend?'
He gave me a look that told me exactly what he thought of me. A look that made me want to crawl into a hole and never leave. 'I've just told you that I'm in love with you, Hermione. How do expect me to be around you now, watching you all over Malfoy?'
I could feel that I was losing. I could feel him slip away from me. 'Ron, please don't do this,' I whispered, begging him not to leave me.
Without even taking a moment to think about it, he gave a shrug. 'I guess that was goodbye. Have a nice life, Hermione.' He turned and walked over to the portrait entrance, stopping before he crossed the threshold.
'One day you'll realise that I'm right and that you threw us away for someone who doesn't deserve you.'
As I stood alone in the empty common room, I watched as the heavy wooden portrait swung back into place.
Ron was my best friend and I had hurt him. I didn't know what I was going to say, but I needed to find him and explain. I couldn't lose anyone else in my life.
I ran over to the portrait hole and out into the corridor, determined to find Ron and make him understand. I needed him to understand.
I ran down the corridor, swinging around the corner when suddenly I ran into a hard, wall like chest and bounced back, stumbling slightly before a familiar touch gabbed my shoulders and steadied me.
'Hey, where have you been? We were supposed to meet for dinner?'
The warm look in Draco's eyes quickly disappeared. The molten silver instantly turning into hardened steel when he saw the tears staining my cheeks and the panicked look on my face.
He reached out to cup my face, his hand on my jaw, tilting my head back so he could examine me more carefully. 'Hermione, what's wrong?'
I jerked away from his touch, wanting to be free so that I could find Ron.
'What is it? What's happened?'
'Let me go.' I pushed myself free of his arms and tried to step around him, but he moved with me, blocking me in. 'I need to find Ron.'
'Weasley?' He peered down at me, his expression hard. 'Why?' When I didn't answer, he reached out and gave me a gentle shake, bringing my attention back to him. 'Hermione. Why?'
'Let me go,' I yelled, shrugging out of his hold again. I ignored his look of irritation as I once again walked away from him, desperate to get to Ron. 'I need to talk to him; I need to find him.'
'No, what you need to do is to calm down and talk to me. Why are you so upset? What did he say to you?' When I didn't answer, he added, 'If he's hurt you, Hermione, I swear I'll kill him.'
It was the wrong thing to say. All it did was remind me of the Draco that everyone said he was. Of the Draco who would threaten and control and bully to get his own way. Which is why I found my panic transferred into anger. Anger that I directed at him.
'He won't talk to me anymore, none of them will. I have lost everything and it's all your fault.'
At my pointed accusation, he reared back, hurt and confusion painted on his face. 'My fault?'
'Why did you have to come into my life? Why did you have to complicate things? Why couldn't you just have left me alone? I was fine on my own.'
'Hermione,' he prompted, his tone matching mine as it rose with anger and irritation. 'What did he say to you? You were fine this morning. We were fine?' He stepped in closer to me and I stepped back, my back hitting the stone wall behind me. Draco closed that space and boxed me in with his arms. 'So, I'll ask you again, what happened?'
I was trapped in the space between Draco's arms, completely caged in and I knew that he wasn't going to let me go until I told him. And so, I let him have it all. I steeled myself, pulling back slightly to look him straight in the eye, wanting to see his reaction. 'He said that you hate people like me. That you'll always hate people like me. That to you, I'll always be a mudblood. That I'm an idiot for trusting you.'
I saw the arms surrounding me tense as Draco stiffened at my words. 'Hermione, come on, we've been through all of this.'
Yes, we had. He had explained to me when he had changed, why he had changed. When he had stopped believing in Voldemort's prejudices. I knew all of that. I knew it and at the time I believed every word he said. Yet the black cloud of doubt still lived in a dark corner within me, ready to swell and waiting to strike at the first sign of trouble. As much as I didn't want it to, it still lingered within me and what's more Draco could see it too.
'What?' he questioned, his tone blunt when I couldn't meet his eye and he knew what thoughts were going through my head.
'I just don't understand why you're here. Why you're even with me.' His eyes darkened looking at me with both shock and incredulity.
'Are you fucking serious?' Draco spat out, leaning in so that his we were nose to nose. 'You're actually going to let Weasley fuck with your head. Don't you see that he's just trying to turn you against me?'
'It's not just him, Draco. I had a delightful conversation with your ex today.'
His head jerked back an inch and his eyes narrowed. 'My ex?'
I put both my hands to his chest and pushed him back, ducking under his arm as he rocked backwards. 'What? Have you got so many ex- girlfriends that you can't keep track?'
'What did she say to you?' he growled from behind me. 'Hermione, what did Pansy say?' he repeated, when it looked like I wasn't going to answer.
I crossed my arms over my chest but couldn't turn around to face him. I thought of everything that Pansy had said. That he had loved her. That she loved him. That they hadn't just been together, they'd been together. That she was so very certain that they would end up with each other one day.
'Hermione, we can't work this out unless you tell me what happened.'
His voice had turned gentle and coaxing. And it worked. I spun around and was momentarily surprised to find that he was so standing so close to me, but I didn't even hesitate before I told him everything.
'That you're just using me. That you being with me, it makes people think that you've changed. That it makes people think you're innocent and helps take pressure off of you from the ministry. Is that true?'
He stared back at me, an unreadable expression on his face. 'You'd believe her over me?'
My shoulders lifted to a careless shrug. 'Oh, I don't know. According to her she knows you very well. In fact, according to her, she knows every single thing about you.'
He muttered a curse but moved in close again. 'She's just trying to mess with your head,' he stated dismissively. But I wasn't ready to be dismissed.
'Is that true, Draco?'
'You would really believe her words over my actions? Think of all the times we've been together. Think of our two weeks. Of Christmas. That was perfect, Hermione. You know it was. How can you possibly think that it was all a lie?'
'How can I not?' I shrieked. 'I'm a Gryffindor, I'm Harry's friend and I'm a mudblood. You've spent your entire life making fun of me, putting me down saying how you hate how I look, how inferior I am. You've even said you wished I was dead.' He flinched and tried to take a step towards me, but I didn't want his comfort. I didn't want him to make me forget and to make everything better. The darkness of my doubt had reared its head and it wanted to be heard. 'No one believes we can be together. They all think that I'm crazy. That it will never work. So, excuse me for having doubts, Draco, because I honestly don't see how your feelings can just change that drastically.'
Anger sparked in his eyes and he closed the space between us, bearing down on me. 'Is that what you honestly think?' I didn't answer but he saw an answer in my eyes anyway. He turned away from me cursed under his breath before spinning back around. 'If that's what you think then what is this? Some fucking test where you get to play around with me and make me fall in love with you until you get bored and run back to Weasley?'
My blood ran cold. 'What did you say?' I whispered disbelievingly, stepping back from him, hoping that I had misheard.
His eyes shuttered as he realised what he had said and although his jaw was hard, a slight blush crept up staining his pale cheeks with pink. He stayed silent and I was beginning to think that he wasn't going to answer me when he straightened his spine and looked me straight in the eye. 'I think I've… I'm in love with you, Hermione.'
My stomach jolted in a feeling of sheer happiness that was quickly swallowed up by the nauseous feeling that was rising up inside of me. Despite my best efforts to push them away, the poison that Ron and Pansy had drip fed me throughout the day was swimming in my ears and pulsing through my veins. I heard their words over and over. He can't love you. He hates you. He thinks you're a mudblood. He'll break your heart. He's just using you. I couldn't get their voices out of my head. Ringing in my ears and making me doubt everything. Making me doubt him.
'You can't love me,' I whispered hoarsely, backing slowly away from him. Draco jerked back in surprise as if I'd hit him, hurt and confusion narrowing his eyes. His face was wary, watching me in the same way that you would a wounded animal. I knew he was fighting his own emotions, fighting his own natural instincts to lash out in wounded pride. He took a deep breath and spoke with a voice that was much calmer than I was sure he felt, though I could hear the effort it took.
'I think I know how I feel.'
The words 'I love you' were the words that anyone should be happy to hear. I had heard them twice today and yet I felt nothing. I felt hollow. Ron's own declaration and cruel words as well as Pansy's warning, span around inside my head and as much as I tried to ignore them, I couldn't. The seed of doubt had been planted and was at that moment growing shoots of mistrust, suspicion and worthlessness that were taking a firm grasp, spreading around my body, winding themselves into every part of me. As much as I wanted to tell Draco that his words meant a lot to me, I just couldn't. I couldn't get hurt again by someone choosing to walk away from me. I couldn't allow myself to open up to trust someone fully only for them to leave me behind. Just like I couldn't stop the words that came tumbling out of my mouth.
'Draco, you and I will never work. You're a pureblood and that's what important to you and I'm just a filthy little mudblood. You've said so yourself often enough.' My voice was bitter and harsh, but I ignored the immense look of hurt on Draco's face. I wasn't finished yet. I still had the ace up my sleeve. The thing that I knew would push him away and prove that he didn't love me after all. 'I've even got the scar to prove it.' I pulled back my sleeve and thrust my arm out, showing him the angry red scar that still shone brightly on my arm. Showing him the word that had haunted me for years. Showing him what I was. Mudblood.
He looked at my arm, his face twisting with a mixture of emotions that I couldn't make out. However, one emotion stood out on his face, clear as day. Revulsion. For a moment he looked like he might be sick. He tore his gaze away and looked to the floor.
'You see, you can't even look at it,' I choked out at having my fears confirmed. 'How can you love me when you hate what I am?'
I waited for him to speak, willing him to take hold of me and make all of the hurt and pain and the doubt go away. I wanted him to tell me that I was being ridiculous, that none of it mattered to him. That of course he loved me, and that Ron and Pansy words meant nothing. But he didn't. He just stood and stared at me his grey eyes emotionless as he stared at the engraving carved onto my skin. It wasn't until I yanked my sleeve back down over my arm that his eyes lifted to my face.
'Hermione… I…' He made to take a step towards me, but I raised my hand, warding him off, stepping out of his reach and his hand fell limply to his side.
I gave him a moment to say something, but he couldn't. And that told me all that I needed to know.
'Please, just leave me alone, Draco. It's over between us.' I stepped away from him, creating distance between us. I couldn't even look at him as I turned around and looked down the empty corridor. 'We were stupid for ever believing it could work.'
'Don't do this, Hermione,' he begged from behind me. 'Don't throw this away.'
Yet lost in my fear, my feet started to move, my heart breaking with each and every step.
I didn't know where I was going. I just knew that I needed to be away from everything. How had everything spiralled out of control so quickly? Things had been fine this morning. I had been happy this morning. Yet in the space of an hour, I had lost my best friend and my... whatever Draco was to me.
Coming down the staircase, I made it halfway down when, blinded my tears, I lost my footing and went careening down the rest, landing in a small heap at the bottom. The shock of the pain instantly stopped my tears and cleared my head, ridding me of the swarming voices that I had been trying so hard to run away from all day. I pulled myself upright, rubbing my scuffed hands and massaging the bruise I was sure was currently forming on my hip.
In that moment I wasn't sure that my life could get any worse. I had never felt so lost, so alone or so utterly pathetic. Sitting in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, my brain finally clear of all of the outside, interfering voices, of Ginny's glare, of Harry's disapproval, of Ron's disgust and Pansy's warnings and I finally focused only on one thing. On me and Draco. On us. On every touch, on every look, on every heartfelt conversation and every time he had been there for me or held me in his arms. He had told me that he loved me and deep down, even though I had been trying to deny it, I knew that I felt the same way. I knew that I loved him in return, even if it terrified me.
But then wasn't that the problem. Wasn't that the problem that I'd always had? Wasn't that what Draco had once accused me of? Of running away. Of being a coward. Of being too afraid to admit my own feelings.
The weight of Draco's words crashed down over me, eliciting an overwhelming sense of regret. There was no denying that I was in love with Draco Malfoy. Pansy had seen it. Ron had too. Seen those emotions clear as day on my face before I had even had a chance to acknowledge, before I had even been able to admit it to myself. Yet choosing my fears, allowing others to stoke those fears, listening to those voices over Draco, was selfish. Wasn't it time to start trusting him? After all, how could I ever learn to trust him fully if I didn't give him that chance.
I hadn't been with Draco for very long, yet I knew in my heart that walking away from Draco, hurting Draco in the way I knew I just had, that would break me in a way that walking away from Ron never would.
With a determination to put things right, to finally overcome my fears and stop being a coward, I picked myself up off of the floor, ignoring the pain I felt all over my body. I turned around to try and find Draco again. To apologise. To explain. To get on my knees and beg his forgiveness if I had to. To beg him to forgive me for being such a drama queen.
I had just reached the top of the stairs when I realised that someone else was there, watching me. I looked into the pair of familiar eyes that were boring back into mine with a look that made my blood run cold and I was instantly afraid. I didn't even have time to open my mouth before I saw the wand raised in front of me as the pain seized my entire body making me scream out in agony as I once again collapsed to the ground.