By the time Monday morning had come around, I had resigned myself to the fact that it all was all for the best. Perhaps, Professor McGonagall was right. Some separation from Draco Malfoy would probably be a good thing. Things between us has gotten out of hand. For some reason fate kept throwing us together and the more we were together, the more intense things seemed to get. We didn't seem to be able to be around each other without our guards coming crumbling down, revealing our innermost thoughts and feelings. We had even kissed for goodness sake. If that wasn't a sign that things had gone too far, then I didn't know what was.
Besides, I was sure that Draco wouldn't be complaining. He was probably regretting everything just as much I was. He was probably mortified at what we had done.
It really was all for the best. We could ignore each other, ignore what had happened and move on. It was just a kiss. Just one little kiss. People did it all the time and didn't make a big deal of it. Besides it probably wasn't as good as I was remembering. I mean how could it possibly be?
When I left my dormitory that morning I was overcome with a new sense of positivity. Things could finally get back to normal. When I practically bounded down the stairs and gave a particularly cheerful 'good morning' to the others, I tried not to notice the bemused glances and confused shrugs that Harry and Ginny exchanged. I was all too aware that recently I hadn't been the easiest person to be around but, in my mind, I now had the chance for a fresh start, to forget about all the bizarre things that had happened in the last few weeks. Things were going to get back to how they should be, and I knew that part of that meant getting things back to normal with Ron.
When he finally appeared at breakfast, I didn't stop talking or find an excuse to leave. This time I put a smile on my face and cheerfully greeted him, trying to ignore the stab of guilt that I felt when I saw the uncertainty cross his face. I passed him a plate of sausages and that was that. He smiled back at me and it wasn't long before the four of us were chatting and joking just like old times.
I could almost have forgotten about everything else until we were interrupted by the sound of the post arriving. I didn't often receive any mail which was why I was particularly surprised when a beige envelope fluttered gently down in front of me, landing on top of my buttery toast. Although when I caught sight of the handwriting, I was instantly reminded of everything I had been trying to forget. Wiping my fingers on the napkin and brushing the crumbs and melted butter off the back of the envelope, I opened the letter, angling it away from Ron who had shuffled just a little bit closer to me, his head pointed in my direction, trying to read discreetly over my shoulder.
Miss Granger,
As per our discussion, your detention will now take place in my office at the usual time. Please report to my office tonight to complete Saturday's missed detention. I have also taken the liberty of informing Professor Haven of our discussion. Your new potions partner as of today will be Terry Boot.
Professor M McGonagall
Headmistress of Hogwarts
P.S. The password is triumph.
'What's that?' Ron asked, all pretence gone, as his shoulder was pressed again mine, looking down at the letter. Knowing he had seen it anyway and knowing that my friends would find out sooner or later, I sighed and passed it over to him.
'Why is your detention changing and why are you getting a new potions partner?' Ron asked the second he finished reading my letter, looking at me intently.
'What!' Harry and Ginny both exclaimed, their heads popping up at the exact same moment, as Ginny leaned over and grabbed the letter from Ron's hand.
'Oh please, be my guest,' I complained, although I made no effort to take the letter back.
'What's all this about? Why are you changing partners?' Harry asked, his brows furrowed in confusion, as Ginny and Ron began to bombard me with questions of their own.
'What does she mean you missed detention on Saturday?
'Why didn't you say anything?'
'Did Malfoy do something?'
'Did you do something?'
'Something else?'
'Did you kill Malfoy? Or at least seriously injure him?'
'Don't be silly Ron, Hermione wouldn't do that.'
'A guy can hope.'
'Besides he's over there. Although he does not look happy.'
My head shot up at Ginny's words and my eyes instantly found him, as they had become so good at doing. He too had received a letter nearly identical to mine. I watched as his eyes scanned over the words. Ginny was right. He did not look happy. His brows were furrowed deeply, and I watched as his fist clenched, crumpling the letter within it. I saw the second his head started to rise so I quickly averted my eyes back to the Gryffindor table, hoping he hadn't seen me staring.
'Right, Hermione,' Harry said. 'Spill. What happened?'
I looked up at the three expectant faces all staring aptly at me. 'Well,' I said slowly, 'We had a… misunderstanding at detention and so I left, and I didn't say anything because it wasn't a big deal. And no, Malfoy did not do anything and no Ronald, I didn't do anything to him either,' I said giving a quick glance over my shoulder to see that Draco had gone. I looked around and realised that he must have just left the hall. My stomach dropped and I had to remind myself that I wasn't meant to be feeling anything in regard to Draco Malfoy any more.
'If it was nothing,' Harry continued, questioningly, 'Then why does McGonagall feel the need to change your detention and potions partner?'
I shrugged like it was nothing. 'She wants me to focus on my work and she feels that working with Dra… Malfoy was a... distraction,' I said, putting air quotes around McGonagall's words.
'A distraction?' Ginny asked with a strange look in her eyes. A look I tried to ignore.
'Well, it's hardly a secret that we don't get on, and I guess that after what happened in potions, she doesn't want any more mishaps.' I picked up a piece of my toast and started munching on it, hoping to put an end to the conversation, but I was to be disappointed.
'Oh, come on, Hermione,' Ron scoffed, pointing at me with a piece of bacon skewered on his fork. 'I don't think that anyone could call what happened in potions class a 'mishap'. Disaster, mayhem, carnage, all-out war, might be a more accurate description,'
'Anyway,' I said, cutting across him, 'it isn't a big deal and besides speaking of potions class, isn't it time that we actually went there.' I stood up, slinging my bag over my shoulder. 'I hear we're making a Volubilis potion which should be really interesting, and Professor Haven even hinted that it'll come up in the final NEWTs exam.'
'And she's back ladies and gentlemen,' Ron said as he stood up, grabbing a final piece of toast before he slung an arm around my shoulders and walked with me out of the hall. I did shoot him a disapproving glance, but I couldn't maintain it for very long, as the smile I was fighting to hold in broke free.
My smile didn't last for long though. It died almost the second I walked into the potion's classroom. I knew that I was glad for some separation from Draco, and as much as I knew that he would glad to be away from me, seeing it in reality was another matter.
When Ron and I walked into the classroom, Ron let out a particularly loud laugh, at something Ginny said, drawing the gaze of several people in the room. One gaze in particular had me stopping in my tracks.
Seconds after our eyes locked across the room, Draco's expression grew blank and he quickly turned back to face the front of the class.
I'd grown so used to seeing heat and fire in those grey eyes that seeing them revert back to cold flat steel, unnerved me in a way that I couldn't explain. It took Harry nudging me from behind to get my feet moving again.
I made my way to my new seat, on the opposite side of the classroom from my previous seat. I sat down beside Terry who eyed me warily before giving me a curt nod before he turned his back on me and went back to avidly reading over his potions textbook which was already open at today's page.
I tried not to, but I couldn't help it as my eyes slid to the side to my old seat. Mandy Brocklehurst has clearly gotten the message too and by the look on her face she wasn't happy about it. As I continued to watch her out of the corner of my eye, I realised that it wasn't that she was merely unhappy, she was terrified.
She slunk into the seat beside Draco, pulling out her chair so quietly, as if the slightest noise would alert Draco to her presence. He just sat in his seat, eyes fixed firmly on the board at the front of the classroom, resolutely ignoring her. She continued to shoot fearful glances at him as as she prepared her resources for the day's lessons.
I would say she was being a tad overdramatic and that Draco wasn't really that bad but even from the other side of the classroom I could feel the frostiness that he was emanating. I could see, even from this distance, the clenching of his jaw, the hard set of his eyes and the tight clenching of the quill in his hand. If he held onto it any tighter, it was going to snap clean in two. No wonder Mandy was pulling her seat to the furthest edge of the table, angling herself so that she was as far away from him as was physically possible. Something that I now realised that I had done myself on the very first day of potions class. As sorry as I felt for Mandy, the poor girl was clearly terrified, I felt sorrier for Draco. I knew how much he was trying to change, how much he wanted to, but how could he when people still treated him in that way. How could he change if people didn't give him the chance to? Although I could see why they didn't. The intimidating look on his face certainly wasn't doing much to endear him to others.
Just as I realised that I was staring at them, Draco seemed to sense my gaze and his head whipped around him my direction. Once again, his eyes instantly locked with mine before he hastily pulled them away, looking once again at the front of the classroom. But that one moment had been enough for me to see a million different emotions flash through his eyes. But of the emotions I saw, the one that stood out most clearly was shame. Shame and regret.
Even though I expected it, even though I knew it was coming, I couldn't help the feeling of disappointment that settled over me in a gigantic wave. Of course, he would regret what happened. Of course, he would regret kissing me. No matter what he said, no matter what he did, to him, I would always be at the opposite end of the spectrum. I would always be his enemy. I would always be the Gryffindor mudblood that he hated.
My cheeks burned with embarrassment but even worse, I felt that traitorous prickling in my nose that I knew meant tears weren't far away. Taking in a deep, steadying breath, I quickly diverted my gaze to the front of the class where Professor Haven was signalling the start of the lesson.
I had been right that morning. We were leaning about the Volubilis potion and even though I knew how important it would be, I found that I couldn't pay attention, my happiness from just a few hours before, gone.
I worked in silence until the end. I could barely bring myself to care when Professor Haven called my potion simply 'adequate', nor when Terry Boot shot me a smug glance when he was awarded extra house points for Ravenclaw. I could only manage a weak smile upon hearing everyone's voices changed into different accents and timbres.
I noticed that Draco left the class the very second we were dismissed, grabbing his bag and nearly running out of the room. Ginny and Harry were laughing and joking when we left the classroom, with Ginny begging Harry to speak in his 'sexy' French accent, to which Harry was steadfastly refusing.
'Unfortunately, mon amour, I have to go to Astronomy,' she said to Harry, giving him a quick kiss. 'See you guys, later. She gave us a casual wave, still laughing as she walked away.
Harry, Ron and I, turned together to go to Transfiguration, with me in the middle, just like old times. I couldn't help but notice the look on Ron's face, nor had it escaped my noticed that he had stayed oddly quiet.
'So, that was kind of fun, wasn't it?' I asked in my American accent, trying to lighten the mood.
'Yeah, being made a total fool of and failing in another class, yet again,' he snapped back, sounding very much like his usual self. Angry, but still very much Ron's voice. 'Yes, Hermione, that was probably about the best fun I've had all week.'
He stormed ahead and Harry and I exchanged a glance behind his back. Harry gave a small shake of his head, telling me to drop it, but I couldn't let it go. Ron was hurting and I wanted to help it.
'Ron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure everything will be fine. Everyone has had a rough week,' I said, leaning over to gently stroke his arm, trying to offer him some comfort.
'Oh, yeah! And when was the last time you had a rough week, Hermione?' he said, shrugging me off. 'What? Was not getting patted on the head and getting extra house points really hard on you? How ever will you cope?'
I felt my face drop as I tried to hide the hurt and shock on my face. Ron had never spoken to me in that way before. Ever!
'Hey, mate, that's enough,' Harry warned, although he too was giving Ron a concerned look.
'Is it really? When was the last time she had anything real to worry about?' he said, lifting an arm, to point it at me. 'But as long as you're fine, Hermione, don't let me hold you back,' he snarled, before he stormed off down the corridor, leaving Harry and I speechless as we watched his retreating back.
'Are you okay?' Harry asked eventually.
I nodded, still stunned at Ron's outburst. 'Why is he so mad at me?
Harry just shook his head, shrugging his shoulders. 'He just needs some time. You know how he is.'
Yes, I did know what Ron was like. When Ron was hurting, he would lash out. He could be mean, and he could be cruel. But how could he not see just how much I was hurting? How could he not see that the struggle that I was going through was more than just grades in classes and house points? How could Draco Malfoy see it; see it and understand it, and yet my best friend didn't?
Harry caught the look on my face and nudged my arm gently, giving me a small smile in an attempt to cheer me up. 'Just give him some space. I'm sure he'll be fine later.' I gave Harry a reluctant nod of agreement because what else could I do? 'Come on then, let's get to class.'
As it turned out, Harry had been right about Ron and he had been fine later. Almost back to normal, but I still felt wary, like I had to be on my guard, scared that I might say the wrong thing again. Throughout the rest of the day, I watched him closely, trying to see if I could work out what had caused his outburst and his anger. It didn't take long to see that something was troubling him. It was like he was there and yet he wasn't. At times he would be the regular, happy and smiling Ron that I used to know and then he would almost slip away as a glazed expression crossed over his face. In classes he looked utterly lost and the more that I watched him, the most that I noticed how much he was struggling. How could it be that we hadn't noticed that the other one was struggling so much? How could we not see that we each needed help? I tried to offer him help in the only way that I knew how; by helping him with his class work. I tried subtly to offer him help with studying and with his homework which was something that I had always said I would never do. How else would he learn? And yet I was worried for him. Sometimes he would accept my help and other times he more or less told me to go away, which I admit hurt more that I would have thought.
The only real positive to come out of the last few days, was that I had managed to avoid seeing Draco. But that may have been because he was equally trying to avoid seeing me. I was so busy spending time with the others, or at my detentions that I almost never alone and that meant that I didn't have the time to think about what had happened between us. I could almost convince myself that the whole things had been some bizarre dream that I had imagined. Or at least I would have been able to convince myself that it hadn't been real, if I hadn't felt like I was being constantly watched. It was almost like I could sense when he was there. In the great hall, in the corridors and in potions class, I would often feel the weight of his stare only to look up and find that he was looking at something else.
That was why when I was walking back from my detention late one night that I knew he was there. The castle was dark, and the corridors were quiet. Every one of my footsteps echoed loudly in the hallways and the candles made the shadows flicker all around me. The castle was eerie and even though it was quiet, the atmosphere scared me, making me imagine all sorts of things hiding in the shadows. After that night with Cormac, I didn't like being on my own at night and I always walked a little quicker until I was back to the safety of the common room. Sometimes I almost asked Harry to come and meet me and walk with me, but I never did. I was too proud to admit that I was afraid of the castle that I had lived in for eight years.
My senses were already heightened, and I felt that prickle on the back of my neck that made me feel like I was being watched. I moved my hand a little closer to my wand and increased my pace, hurrying down the corridor. I had nearly reached the end of the corridor when a figure stepped out from the darkness in front of me. With a hand steadier than my heartbeat, I whipped out my wand and held it in front of me.
'I didn't mean to scare you,' came Draco's voice as he stepped out of the shadows, throwing more of his features into the torchlight. I couldn't help but stare at the effect. His usually white-blonde hair shimmered like gold and the flickering flames from the torches danced in his eyes.
I forced my eyes away and lowered my wand. 'Then don't creep about in the dark,' I suggested bitingly, my breath still unsteady, although I wasn't entirely sure it was from fright. His lips quirked up briefly, before settling back into a hard line. 'What are you doing here?' I asked.
I saw him swallow deeply and a muscle jumped in his cheek. 'I wanted to apologise. For what happened.' His eyes, full of that same shame and regret that I had seen before, shot to mine, before he looked at his feet again. 'I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable or if I did something that you didn't want.'
'Wait, what?' Confusion filled me. I heard his words but struggled to process them. 'Did you think that I…that I thought, that you…that I didn't want to?'
His eyes flashed to mine. 'Didn't you?'
'No, I mean, yes. I mean, that isn't what I thought,' I reassured, horrified that he had been thinking those thoughts the entire time. No wonder he had that strange look in his eye and wouldn't meet my gaze.
He frowned deeply, shaking his head. 'But you went to McGonagall. You asked to be moved away from me.'
'No,' I shook my head adamantly. 'No, I didn't.' I took a step towards him, before I caught myself, stopping the movement. 'She moved me because I left detention early. Again. She thought that we were arguing.'
'Oh,' he said, looking surprised. Surprise which then turned thoughtful. 'Then why did you run away from me?'
'I didn't,' I started, taking my turn to avoid his gaze. 'I mean, it… it wasn't because of that,' I stumbled, blushing at the real reason that I had run away from him.
He stared at me for a moment and I saw the exact moment that he figured it out. The exact moment that spark of hurt blazed before he buried it deep and extinguished it. 'Right,' he bit out and I realised he hadn't quite managed to extinguish the hurt as it was seeping out in his tone. 'I get it,' he nodded, a bitter expression on his face. 'You ran away because I kissed you. Me. A Slytherin. A death eater.'
'No, I cried out. 'That wasn't it at all.'
'Don't worry, Hermione,' he said, already starting to retreat. 'If that's how you feel, I won't bother you again.'
'No, wait. I…'
In that moment, all I could think about was stopping him from leaving. All I could think about was taking away that hurt that I had placed within eyes. All I knew was that I didn't want him to think that I thought badly of him. Before I could even think about what I was doing, I reached up, placing both of my hands around the back of his neck and tugged him down towards me. My mouth hit his and for a few seconds he tensed within my grasp.
I pressed my lips harder against his, my legs trembling as I had to stand on tiptoe just to reach his mouth. Just like that, Draco relaxed into me and it wasn't just me kissing Draco, he was kissing me back, his hands coming to rest on my hips, his mouth moving against mine, my tongue meeting his. Just like before, that feeling, that spark, spread like wildfire, completely out of control and heat flushed through me like someone had ignited my veins.
A gentle nip on my lip brought me out of my lust fuelled haze and I pulled away, gently pushing at his chest. Just like before, he let me go.
'We shouldn't be doing this,' I sighed, already hating myself for stopping.
'Why?' he challenged.
With my lips still tingling and every part of my body straining towards him, I had to wonder, why was I fighting this?
'Hermione?' he prompted.
I closed my eyes, shutting him out, allowing my brain to start functioning again. Reminding myself why I had to keep on fighting. I opened my eyes, to find his face close to mine, staring silently at me. I could just about make about the little specks of blue burning bright in his grey eyes.
'Because you know it would never work.'
'Why? Why won't it work?'
'Because it can't,' I insisted, hating that he couldn't just agree with me. Hating that he was making this harder. 'You know it can't. People would never understand and besides, I don't…' I took a step away from him, allowing myself to breathe again. 'I don't feel that way about you.'
The soft eyes that had been gazing down at me, instantly hardened and I nearly cowered at the disappointed look he gave me. 'I never had you down as someone who cares about what other people think.'
I buried the unwelcome feeling of shame at his judgement and allowed myself to feel indignant instead. 'Come on, Draco. You know what it would be like.'
'I don't care,' he said simply.
'Well, maybe I do.'
'You, Hermione Granger, are a coward.' I flinched at his accusation, the hurt pouring through me, made all the worse because I knew that he was right. 'You can lie to yourself all you want, but I know how you feel.'
'I don't…' I began again, in a last futile attempt to make him walk away.
'You do,' he insisted, firmly, leaning forward and capturing my gaze again. 'You must be able to feel it. I know that that,' he said, indicating between the two of us, 'and what happened the last time, I know that wasn't all one sided.' My cheeks ignited a bright red that he knew how I felt, yet secretly I was pleased that he had felt it too.
'And more than that,' he continued, 'you must feel the pull between us, like there's something drawing us together. Merlin, I can't even be in the same room as you without watching you half the time. And I know it's not just me. I've seen you watching me too.'
'I don't know what you mean,' I denied weakly, averting my gaze once more as my cheeks flamed even hotter.
'Stop pretending, Hermione.' He stepped even closer to me, forcing me to tilt my head back to meet his gaze as he towered over me. I wanted to step back, but my legs felt like lead, gluing me to the ground, freezing me in place. 'Stop pretending that you can't feel it. Feel this,' he said, indicating between the two of us.
I swallowed deeply, trying to clear that lump of attraction that had swelled within me, as I felt his heat press in all around me. 'I… don't,' I struggled to say, taking a small step back, only for him to close the distance again, countering my step with one of his own.
'Yes, you do,' he said, closing the distance between us, until barely an inch remained. He leaned in close to me, whispering in my ear, 'I hear it in your voice and in your breath.' He pulled back and his warm breath fluttered across my skin, making me release a shaking gasp.
'I see it in the way that you react to me,' he said running his hand slowly down my arm, causing a line of goose bumps to appear. I noticed the hint of satisfaction that appeared on his lips as he noticed my body's reaction.
'I can see it in your eyes,' he said bringing his face up close to mine, resting his forehead against mine giving me no option but to look up as his grey eyes flared with heat.
'And I can see it in your lips,' he said, swallowing deeply and moving his lips down to brush gently over mine, 'that you want to kiss me.'
I felt myself lean in towards him, my lips parting as I did, but before we connected, I pulled back, needing to voice the worry that was still plaguing me.
'Just tell me one thing,' I whispered, against his mouth. 'Why?'
'Why,' he asked, jerking back slightly. 'Why what?'
'Why do you want this?' I shrugged, as if it was obvious. Why do you want me?'
He pulled back from me, running one hand through his hair, so that it fell in gentle strands about his face. The movement was oddly captivating.
'Seriously, you want me explain why I want to be with you,' he asked, giving me a look of half amusement, half annoyance. 'Fine', he said, closing his eyes and shaking his head like he couldn't believe what he was about to say. With a deep breath, his eyes flashed open and he began speaking, his tone determined and sure. 'I like how you stand up to me. You're not afraid to tell me exactly what you think. You don't just say what you think I want to hear. Nobody else has ever done that. Not one person. I like how passionate you are and the look on your face when you're reading, like you're somewhere different to the rest of us, completely lost in the story. I like the sound of your laugh and how you crinkle your nose when you smile. I like how kind and caring you are. I like that you don't judge me. You gave me your time. You listened to me. I like how you make me feel. Like I can be honest with you. You make me feel like it's possible to change, to be a better person. You make me feel like I can be anyone I want to be. Is that okay? Is that enough?' He looked at me, looking both hopeful and embarrassed.
Despite myself I could feel my eyes watering and I was finding it incredibly difficult to breathe. No one had ever spoken to me like that before. It's the way a girl always dreams that a man will speak to her. The way that I had always dreamed when I had read countless books and romance stories. Granted in all my dreams I had never imagined that it would be Draco Malfoy who would be speaking those words to me and yet in that moment I couldn't imagine anyone else in his place. I reached up and placed a hand against his cheek, giving him a nod.
'Is that a yes?' he asked, leaning back to look into my eyes again, 'does that mean we can give this a try?'
'What do you think?' I said, reaching up behind his neck and pulling his mouth down to mine.
The second before our lips connected, he pulled back slightly, a smile playing around his lips. 'You're not going to run away again, are you?'
'Shut up,' I ordered, 'and kiss me.'
'That I can do.' His lips dropped to mine where he muttered, 'bossy.'
I smiled against his lips; my hands entwined in his soft hair as he gave me the sweetest kiss anyone had ever given me. And this time, I didn't run away. This time I stayed, and I enjoyed each and every second of it.