Friends.
The word felt strange to say. Especially when put in the same sentence as Draco Malfoy. I spent the entire weekend thinking about what I had done. What I had somehow agreed to. All the time wondering what on earth I had gotten myself into.
I was distracted again. Thinking about him. Thinking about our conversation. About how we had left things. But none of the others seemed to notice. Harry and Ginny were so wrapped up in each other and Ron was strangely quiet most of Sunday. I figured he was still annoyed at me for blowing him off the day before, so I buried myself in my homework and kept my distance.
I was still distracted on Monday morning as the four of us left the great hall ready to head to class. Distracted enough not to notice the hushed conversation and meaningful glances between my three friends.
If I had been paying attention, I might have noticed how Ron didn't eat much for breakfast or how tense he looked, nervous even, but I didn't. If I had noticed it, then I could have been prepared, I could have tried to stop it, but I didn't and so what happened next caught me totally off guard.
We had just left the great hall when I finally tuned into the strange vibes. I was just about to ask what was going on, when Ron put his hand on my arm and gently pulled me a stop. Harry and Ginny kept going. I noticed Harry give Ron a quick encouraging nod as Ginny shot me an excited grin before they disappeared through the door that led to the dungeons.
'Ron, what is going on?' I asked warily.
'Hermione, I need to talk to you,' Ron said, pulling me over to the side of the entrance hall.
He looked nervous, red flushing up his neck and high onto his cheeks. I hadn't seen Ron like this in a long time and certainly not with me. I was instantly on edge, worried at what was to come.
'Ron,' I asked hesitantly, feeling very much like I was missing something, 'what is going…'
'Hermione, I need to say this, and I need to say this now,' Ron interrupted suddenly, stepping towards me with an intensity in his eyes that I had never seen before. 'It's something that I should have said ages ago, but I don't know,'- he reached up to rub at the back of his neck- 'I guess I was scared before or something, but I'm not anymore.'
'Ron, what is going on?' My heart had started a strange beat in my chest, instantly aware that something was coming that I wasn't going to like.
'I think I like you,' he blurted out. 'I've always liked you. I just didn't know how to say it before.'
In that moment it seemed as if the world had stopped moving. Ron's cheeks flushed pink and he seemed unable to look at me. I wanted so much to look anywhere else but in Ron's eyes, but I seemed unable to tear my wide- eyed gaze away.
'You like me,' I repeated slowly after a long silence from both of us, not quite able to believe the words that I was saying. This whole moment just seemed far too surreal. How long had I waited to hear those words? Two years, three years, four years even. Hell, I would have been happy if I he had uttered those words only two months ago. But everything had changed
'Yes. I…' he began awkwardly, trying to find the words. 'I think I might be in lo...'
'Don't!' I demanded, cutting him off, not able to hear him say those words. Knowing that he didn't mean them abs knowing that once he said them, they couldn't be taken back. 'Ron, what are you doing? What about Lavender?' I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand what he was doing. He had ignored me all summer. He had barely spoken to me in months. He had been going out with someone else up until a few days ago. So how could he possibly think that he was anywhere close to having those feelings for me?
'I ended it with her. I feel nothing for her.' He reached up and scooped up my hands in his, tugging me close to him. 'Not since I realised I wanted to be with you instead.'
I pulled my hands away and out of his grasp and crossed my arms in front of me, my voice hard and flat as I answered. 'I'm flattered.'
'No,' he shook his head, 'that came out wrong.'
'Really,' I asked coldly. 'Because it sounded spot on to me. You kissed me. Ignored me all summer. Moved on to Lavender and then deliberately rubbed my nose in the fact that you were with someone else and then you got, what, bored, and so now you've moved back to me and expect me to just be ready and willing to jump back into your arms.'
Ron visibly flinched and I was glad to see that he at least had the decency to look ashamed.
'No, that's not what happened. I was scared that you wouldn't feel the same and so I don't know,' he shrugged, 'I guess I tried to prove to myself that I didn't need you and then I met up with Lavender again and she was pretty messed up after what happened with Greyback and she needed me, and I guess I needed someone too. I needed to forget about everything that had happened and with her it was just easy I guess.'
I narrowed my eyes, every word of his explanation, only increasing my hurt. 'She needed you and you were there. What a hero.' I said, unable to keep the condescension out of my voice.
Ron looked at me startled, the conversation clearly not going the way he had hoped.
'You managed to be there for her, but what about me?' I cried out, unable to keep the hurt inside. 'I needed you and you ignored me. You didn't talk to me all summer. You made me feel like I'd done something wrong.' I wrapped my arms around my middle, turning away because I feel the first sting of tears. 'You made me think that you didn't care.'
'Of course, I care, Hermione.' He stepped around me, so that he was facing me again. He reached for my hand, but I tugged it back and out his reach. 'I just told you, I want to be with you.'
Immediately I stepped back from him, not quite sure what to say, sure that somehow Ron couldn't possibly be serious. How could he possibly be after everything that had happened?
'Say something,' Ron implored, exasperated by my silence.
I sighed deeply, summing up all of my courage for what I was about to do. Inside I felt the crushing weight of disappointment as I knew it was too late for us. Perhaps if things had been different, if Ron or I had been more honest with each other then things might have been different. I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. His confession came too late. We'd missed our chance.
'Ron, please don't do this. You are my best friend.'
'But you loved me. I know you did.'
'I did once. But too much happened between us. Too much has changed.'
'Is there someone else?' Ron questioned, confusion on his face.
'No, of course not,' I answered quickly, although a certain person did pop into my mind, but I quickly pushed those thoughts away. 'I just think that we've both changed. I think… I think we just missed our chance.'
'You don't love me. You don't want to be with me,' Ron said with a trace of anger infiltrating into his voice. 'I've just put my heart on my sleeve for you and it's still not good enough for you.'
'Are you kidding me? Did you think that this is all it would take? A few simple words before potions class, in the entrance hall of all places, and I would be yours? That I would just fall into your arms.' I could feel my face twisting with disdain, anger and above all, disappointment. 'I mean can you even hear yourself? You've just told me that you liked me. That you've been trying not to like me. That you went out with somebody else just so you could prove that you didn't need to be with me, to prove that you didn't even want to be with me.' I swept my arms out to the side. 'Is that the grand romantic gesture that is meant to sweep me off my feet after months of nothing but silence?'
Ron looked back at me stunned, clearly not believing quite how the conversation had gone so wrong. 'So, you don't want to be with me?' he repeated, with an expression on his face that tempered my anger, reminding me that Ron was still my friend, and this was hurting him. It would have been so easy to turn around and say that I loved him too, but I knew that I couldn't. I knew that I would be lying and in the end that would just cause more heartache.
'Ron, you're my friend.' I reached out to touch him arm, 'I don't want to hurt you, but I just want us to be friends like we used to be. I need you as my friend,' I pleaded.
Ron stayed silent for a moment, looking deep in thought, hurt etched on each and every one of his features. Eventually he seemed to compose himself, taking a deep breath and standing up straighter to face me.
'Hermione, you will always be my friend. I know I've hurt you, but you just said that you loved me once and I promise that you will again one day,' he said confidently with not a hint of doubt. 'Some day you will realise that. Some day we will be together.' He looked deep into my eyes, before he turned and walked away from me, leaving me stunned in his wake.
As I watched him walk down the corridor, I couldn't help but wonder if I had made the right choice. If I had made a mistake. How long had I wanted this? How long had I wanted to hear those words? I closed my eyes and tried to imagine being with Ron, loving Ron. It would be comfortable. It was be easy. He would annoy me at times by being immature but then he would be sweet and apologise. It would be safe. Was that what I wanted?
It didn't take me long to come to an answer. No. It would never be enough. It might be cheesy, but I had spent my life reading books with epic romance stories. I wanted fireworks, I wanted butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to feel special. Ron was the safe choice and at nineteen I was not prepared to resign myself to become Mrs Weasley the second. However hard it may be, I knew that I had made the right choice. Realising that I still had class to get to, I picked my bag off the floor and hurried down the corridor, feeling like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and from my heart. I had finally let Ron go.
I was the last person to walk into the potions class and Professor Haven was already standing at the front of the class ready to start. Her narrowed eyes followed me the entire way to my seat and stayed on me as I sat down in my stool. She continued to watch with her steely gaze as I pulled my things out of my bag. But of course, it was one of those situations where you know you're being watched, and you know you have to hurry and so you end up fumbling about and taking even longer. Even once I had fetched by books, parchment and quill from my bag, she continued to watch me for a moment longer, disapproval and annoyance written on each and every one of her features, before she tore her gaze from me to face the rest of the class, putting a smile on her face as she began the lesson.
'So now that we are all here,' she said giving a pointed look in my direction, 'can anyone tell me the main ingredients in a dreamless sleep potion?'
I of course knew the answer and put my hand immediately into the air, thinking that perhaps answering a question might help to get me back into her good books. However, I saw quite clearly that her eyes flicked in my direction, seeing my raised hand, before scanning around the rest of the class, her smile fading as she realised no one else was going to answer. Seemingly reluctant, she turned towards me, all pretence of a smile now gone. The phrase 'if looks could kill' sprung to mind and I withered under her stare, my hand dropping a good foot from its place in the air.
'Well, Miss Granger?' Her voice leeched irritation.
'Em,' I managed to say, my mind going completely blank, under the weight of her stare. She let out a loud tut.
'Does somebody who actually knows the answer want to hazard a guess?' She looked around the class, as everyone else lowered their eyes and ducked their heads even further.
'It is very similar to an ordinary sleeping draught, containing lavender, flobberworm mucus and valerian sprigs, but it also contains Lethe River Water and crushed mistletoe berries,' came a voice from directly beside me.
I couldn't help but to give a quick glance to the side, trying not to look too annoyed that Malfoy had just stolen my answer. I met his eye, but he just gave an almost imperceptible shrug before looking back to the front of the class.
'Excellent, Mr Malfoy. Ten house points for Slytherin,' she said giving him an approving nod and dare I say it, nearly a smile. Apparently, her hatred was reserved purely for me.
'Now, I suggest that the rest of you get your books out and read over the potion. You have forty-five minutes to brew it correctly, which you will be doing individually. You may begin.'
The sound of chairs scraping backwards immediately filled the room as people began to get their ingredients. I opened my book to the correct page, wanting to read over the instructions thoroughly before I started.
'Doesn't seem like she likes you much, does it?' came the voice to my right. I reluctantly turned to face him, arching a single eyebrow at the amusement written across his features.
'Doesn't it?' I shrugged, as if it didn't bother me in the slightest. 'What on earth gave you that impression?' Draco simply chuckled as he started on his potion, igniting the fire underneath his cauldron with a flick of his wand.
'Look, don't take it personally. She really doesn't like me much either.'
'Yeah, it really looked like she despised you. Those extra house points,' I gave him a mock sympathetic glance, 'talk about harsh.'
I turned back to reading my textbook, hoping to leave the conversation there, but when he just continued to laugh, I couldn't help but continue. 'I just don't get it. I mean we both blew up her classroom, not just me.'
'True, although technically you did start it,' Malfoy said, earning himself, a glare of his own. 'And I also didn't turn up late to class,' he added with a smirk.
'I was hardly late. Maybe like a minute, but it's not like I was the only one and you don't see her scowling at any of them.'
'Yes, Weasley was late too.' He flicked his eyes to me. 'But then since he looked like he was about to cry when he walked in, she probably decided to go easy on him.'
'He was crying?' I asked in concern, turning around to try and find Ron in the classroom, but he was facing away from me, so I couldn't tell if what Malfoy had said was true.
'What trouble in paradise?' he scoffed, as he followed my gaze.
'Oh, shut up,' I snapped back beginning to feel guilty. Had Ron really been crying? He had seemed okay when he had left me.
'You know it may just be me,' Draco said, tilting his head to one side, 'but you're not really supposed to make your boyfriend cry, although it doesn't surprise me that he would act like the girl in your relationship.'
'How many times do I have to tell you that he is not my boyfriend?' I punctuated each of the last words, partly to make my point and partly in annoyance. That topic of conversation was not up for discussion today. Or any day.
'You might want to tell him that,' he replied, the usual smirk in place.
I slammed my textbook closed in frustration and was about to go and get the ingredients for making my own potion, when Professor Haven came and stood beside me, effectively blocking my way out.
'Very good, Mr Malfoy, that is exactly the perfect shade of lilac. Have another five points for Slytherin. You clearly have a knack for potions.'
'Thank you, Professor.' He gave her one his most winning smiles and I saw her visibly melt at his charm. 'I've had some good teachers.'
It was all I could do to stop myself from rolling in my eyes. Damn suck up.
'As for you, Miss Granger. She turned around, addressing me. I looked up, trying to keep my face as straight as possible. I really hoped she hadn't seen me rolling my eyes at Draco. 'Are you planning on beginning your potion sometime today? You only have forty minutes left and I must say you have some stiff competition.' She looked admiringly back into Draco's cauldron.
I watched her walk away, breathing hard through my nose. I was surprised I wasn't breathing fire. I did what she wanted, I followed her instructions and still I got into trouble for it. It was only when I heard a chuckling beside me that was becoming all too familiar that I turned back to my potion, ignoring looking at the blonde wizard beside me. 'Didn't have you down as a suck up, especially not to her.'
He simply shrugged unabashed. 'It never hurts to have people on your side, Granger and besides, I don't need to suck up to her, I am the best in the class at potions after all.'
'Excuse me.' I folded my arms in indignation. I didn't mean to be big headed, but it wasn't lost on me that I consistently had the best grades in the year.
'What? Did you think you were the best?' Malfoy replied with an amused look on his face.
'No,' I said, turning around to face him directly, 'I know that I'm the best.'
'Hah, sorry to burst your bubble,' he smirked as he crossed his arms firmly across his chest, leaning casually back against the table, 'but with the exception of first year, I have beat you in every potions exam and assignment that we have ever sat.'
'Oh, really,' My voice may have been disbelieving, but inside I wasn't as confident. Had he beaten me? I tried to think back. 'Not in sixth year you didn't' I said triumphantly.
He shrugged, conceding. 'Okay fine, but I didn't actually sit exams in sixth year, but apart from that I've been on top,' he said smugly.
I tried to think if he really had been any good at potions. How could I not have noticed that he had beaten me. All I could think about what Snape praising him for everything. He was the teacher's pet after all. 'Well, that's only because you were Snape's favourite,' I replied, well aware that I was sounding petty and looking pretty desperate.
'Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that,' he said laughing. 'Do you really think that he could have gotten away with boosting my grade for five years straight? Besides someone always cross- examines. Especially for OWL's and NEWT's.'
'You are not better at potions that me,' I replied crossly. I leaned into him, a determined look on my face. 'And I will prove it.'
'Oh yeah, how?' he asked, leaning forward too, curiosity evident in his face.
'Fine, today, here and now,' I challenged. 'We'll see who makes the best potion,' I said feeling immensely confident.
'If you're sure,' he said lightly, with his eyebrow raised, clearly enjoying the challenge. 'Just remember, I've got a head start.'
I scoffed. 'Like that will matter.'
'Fine then. Game on.'
I had to win. I was determined to win. As much as I loved a challenge, this time I had my pride at stake. I would prove that I was the best at potions. Harry may have stolen my crown the year before; something which I still held a slight grudge about (he was cheating after all) but I would be damned if I would let Malfoy take it from me this year. I couldn't help but eye up the competition, taking a few sneaky glances inside his cauldron. Professor Haven hadn't been exaggerating when she said that his potion was perfect. It was the absolute perfect colour, the exact colour of lavender but with a shimmery quality on the surface. The smell that wafted over in my direction was intoxicating and as the soft smell of lavender hit my nostrils, I felt the soothing waves of drowsiness wash over me. Instantly I snapped myself out of, forcing myself to concentrate. Damn that boy was good, but I was going to be better.
I looked back at my own potion, spurred on with a determination to be just as good. My potion was just changing from a midnight blue to deep purple, when instead of continuing to lighten to the current colour of Malfoy's, it went in the opposite direction and started to get darker. I continued to stir and stir desperately but all that happened was that the potion kept getting darker and darker until it was nearly an inky black. Frantically I checked my textbook again to see if I had made a mistake. Add three sprigs of lavender to the cauldron and stir turn three times to the left, check. Add five crushed valerian sprigs and turn up the heat. Yep, I had done that. Add the crushed mistletoe berries and stir ten and a half time to the right. Yes, I had done all that, so what the hell was the problem. As I looked frantically around for inspiration, I stopped mid movement noticing Malfoy working innocently on his potion. Too innocently. In normal circumstances he would have been the first to comment that my potion had gone wrong, but in the current situation it should have been a certainty. The fact that he had said nothing was just too suspicious.
'What did you do?' I asked him in warily, barely keeping my anger in check.
'I have no idea what you're talking about.' He had an innocent expression that I would have bought if for one, I hadn't known that it was Malfoy and two, he hadn't given himself away with an almost imperceptible smirk as he turned away from me.
I turned back to my potion and almost groaned in frustration as I noticed that the flame beneath my cauldron had gone out. Or been put out. Fine, if that's the way he wanted to play it, two could play at that game.
Fixing my potion and finally reaching the pale lilac colour I had been aiming for, inspiration struck and I knew what I had to do. Now all I had to do was wait for my opportunity. Thank god I was good at multi- tasking.
As I was stirring my potion, my moment finally came. Trying not to be noticed, I collected a few sprigs of nightshade from my supplies and ground them into a fine dust. Then Draco turned around briefly, for little more than a split second to fetch his knife and so I reached over and added some night shade into the pestle that he was using to crush his remaining lavender sprigs.
I returned to my own potion, trying to look as innocent as possible, but I could barely contain the grin that was forcing its way from my lips as I watched him from the corner of my eye adding the finely ground powder into his cauldron turning the whole mixture jet black.
'What the…'Malfoy exclaimed as soon as he saw his potion, looking immediately both panic stricken and confused.
'Oh dear,' I said leaning over his shoulder to get a better look into the cauldron, trying my hardest to feign concern and not let my delight show too much. 'It looks like you're not so great at potions after all.'
'This was you wasn't it,' he asked whipping around, suspicion and fury evident in his face.
'I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about,' I said mimicking his tone from earlier, not even bothering to try and mask the smirk that appeared on my lips.
Malfoy however did not waste any time in exacting his revenge, nor did he even try to be subtle about it. Apparently, we were past that.
'Oops,' he said, as he accidentally, but totally on purpose, bumped into me at the exact point I was adding the flobberworm mucus. The entire contents of the jar hit the liquid with a giant splash, bobbing about at the top for a moment before sinking slowly to the bottom. I turned to him my face full of fury, as my potion turned a sickly yellow colour and started bubbling furiously. Malfoy just gave me his usual smug expression and shrugged shoulders before turning back to his own potion, that he had somehow managed return to purple.
Quickly fixing my own potion with vast amounts of lavender, so that if not quite the perfect shade of lilac, it was at least an acceptable one, I came up with my plan. Was it childish? Yes. Was it stupid? Yes. Was I still going to do it? Absolutely! Malfoy would not beat me. Scooping up a handful of crushed lavender, I turned to face Malfoy and called his name. Just as he turned around to face me, I let out an almighty, completely fake sneeze, sending the lavender blowing all over his face.
He just blinked a couple of time, as the dust settled onto his hair and his robes, covering him in fine layer of lilac dust. 'Oh sorry,' I said, watching as his eyelids started to droop and he struggled to stay focused, shaking his head repeatedly to the side to keep himself awake. Barely even paying attention to me, he turned back to his potion swaying slightly, as he did, grabbing onto the bench for support. I couldn't help but giggle, when he let out a huge yawn that had over the half class turn and stare in his direction. I don't think any of them had ever seen a Malfoy behaving in any way that was less than perfect.
We continued to work for the last ten minutes, me trying to fix my flobberworm mess and Draco fighting to stay awake. It was quite funny seeing his head bobbing about as he tried to stay awake. Once or twice, he had even stopped mid movement as his head lolled to the side only to jerk back up and continue with what he had been doing.
When Professor Haven eventually called on us to stop and sit in our seats, Draco seemed to have finally woken up somewhat as he sat and stared at me grumpily.
'Was that really necessary?' Draco asked me under his breath, through clenched teeth.
'Was what really necessary?' I replied, barely even turning around to look at him, watching as Professor Haven walked around the class, checking everybody's potions individually.
'Sending me to sleep in the middle of class?' he hissed in reply.
'Oh don't start getting judgemental. Don't start playing dirty if you aren't prepared for the consequences.'
Draco seemed ready to retort, opening his mouth to reply, but closing it promptly once Professor Haven came to our table, the last one in the class.
'Well, it seems that most of you have managed to make a successful dreamless sleep potion,' Professor Haven announced. 'But I must say that one stood out from the rest.
I sat up straighter, eager to hear who it was, aware that Draco was mimicking my actions.
'Well done…,' she began, before pausing dramatically as I leaned forward in my chair in anticipation, '…Mr Boot. Twenty house points to Ravenclaw.'
I slumped back in my seat and looked to Draco shocked that neither of us had won and saw that his face mirrored mine. At the exact same moment, we burst into laughter. I guess after all our sabotage, neither of us had really had stood a chance.
'Call it a draw?' Draco said.
'A draw,' I agreed. I could live with that. 'And I am sorry for sending you to sleep in class,' I said in genuine apology.
'I would apologise for starting it, but I'd be lying,' he shrugged, that lip quirking up again. 'I'm a Slytherin after all.' He picked up his bag. 'See you, Granger.'
I spun around in my seat, watching him as he walked out of the classroom, my own lips quirking up into a smile. Until my vision was filled with an irate red head marching towards me.
'What the hell just happened?'
'Nothing. It was nothing. Malfoy and I were just- '
'Malfoy?' Ginny looked confused. 'I meant with Ron. What happened?'
'Oh.' I felt instantly relieved and also guilty. I had completely forgotten all about Ron. I turned around to look but he was gone. As was Harry.
'You turned him down? But why? You've liked him for ages.'
'Ginny,' I sighed, 'I can't talk about this with you. He's your brother and you love him. But he's hurt me and I just can't get over that.'
'Because of Lavender?'
'That's part of it,' I admitted, not wanting to admit the whole truth of all that had passed between Ron and I. Of his rejection. Of just how much it had hurt me. 'But Ginny, honestly, it's better this way. Ron and I are better as friends.'
'He's my brother, Hermione. I know he's not perfect but I don't like to see him hurting. Especially not now. Can't you give him another chance.'
'Ginny,' I sighed heavily. I would do anything for friends. Anything to make them happy, but I couldn't give her this. My heart had been bruised and battered in the last few months and it wouldn't take another blow. I had to start protecting it. 'Please don't get involved. If you don't want either of us to get hurt any more then please you have to let it go.'
'I don't get it. You've liked Ron for years.' Her face changed as she regarded me with both disappointment and frustration. 'Is there someone else?'
Her brother had asked me that very same question and once again the same face popped unbidden into my mind.
'Of course not,' I lied, keeping my face carefully blank. 'Who else could there be?
Ginny looked at me, a question in her eyes at whatever she saw in my face. I had to fight to keep myself from twitching under her scrutiny. It was only when she looked away that I allowed myself to relax, but I instantly stiffened again at her parting words. 'I hope you know what you're doing, Hermione, I really do.'
I sighed as I followed her out of the room. So did I.