"Nick was a wonderful man, he loved his kids and wife with all his being"
one of Nick's friends spoke, Jim I think.
I never cared to learn their names, he was always changing them anyway.
"He was a true friend, would do anything for us but never asked anything in return."
I just drowned out his voice and started thinking about what I just lost, burying my kids and my husband on the same day.
It's some kind of joke I failed to see the humor in.
I felt a hand on my hand, not looking who it was, tears streamed down my face with my eyes feeling puffy.
I heard Luke's voice
"It's time muffin"
He gave me 3 white roses to put on the coffins, Nick loved white roses and when I asked him why he loved them he said it's cause I loved them.
I did
Not anymore
I first made my way to Blu's coffin and I placed one of the roses on it.
"mummies angel, I'm so sorry I failed you, I hope I was a good mum in the short time we were together"
I said quietly before kissing the rose and placing it on the coffin.
"May your soul rest my angle and in your peace may you forgive me"
I said kissing the coffin with a sob, tears, spit, and snorts staining coffin.
I made my way to my son Ash's coffin, I kissed and placed one rose on it.
"Angel, my firstborn, my world. You taught me how to be a mom"
I said with a sob and uncontrollable tears coming down.
"I just wish I could have done more to protect you and your sister."
My whole body shook at that point then I felt both my sisters by my sides holding me so would fall.
"May your soul rest my angel and in your peace may you forgive me for failing you"
I said kissing his coffin, then walked up to my husbands' coffin when I felt my knees buckle down.
I just looked at it and sobbed, I could hear my sisters sobbing as well trying to comfort me and saying how sorry they are.
"My world, my universe, how I wish we had more time. I never got the chance to tell you how much I love you, you never got to know what you and the kids meant to me"
I sobbed so much I couldn't control myself any longer.
"You gave me so much when I deserved none of it, you loved me fiercely even when I was not worthy of it all."
I put the last rose on his coffin.
"My king"
I said kissing his coffin and hold on to it as he'd reach out and hold me back.
"The kids are with you now, love them even in death and tell them of how I love them so much, I hope you will find it in your heart of souls to forgive my failure to protect them."
I sob, almost falling to my knees but my sisters caught me.
We started walking back to the seats when I turned and looked at all three coffins then landing on my husband.
"None like you will ever live my king, you own my heart. None will ever take your place."
I walked away and set by the chair when the coffins start going down.
" Nickolas"
I started shouting
"Ash, blue"
I stood up and ran, but no matter how much I ran I never get there as the coffins went down.
**
I woke up soaking wet gasping for air, I set on my bed and start weeping again, having to dream again about that day.
But this time it was different at the end, I never shout their names or run towards them.
I remember making that promise to Nick, and how that day I buried my heart and my soul with all of them.
I started sobbing hard again.
After 30 minutes or so I got off my bed to get some water, making it out of my room and when I opened my door I saw my sisters sleeping on the floor next to my door.
Why do they put up with me?
Katie heard the door open because she jumped off the floor and started shaking Ave but kept her gaze on me as if scared if she looked away I would disappear or go back into my room.
Ave jumped off the floor as well looking at me in shock and sympathy.
"You shouldn't have done that"
I said walking to the kitchen.
They don't say anything they just followed me.
"Thank you "
I added
"Anytime"
Ave said.
We walked to the kitchen where I get a glass and drank tap water while I faced the kitchen window not wanting to look at my sisters because I knew what my sisters would be asking me and I didn't want to see the shame in their eyes.
"Sweetie, you know can talk to us?" Katie said but it comes out as a question than a statement but it was a fact.
How?
I didn't say anything to what she just said, the kitchen window had suddenly become the most interesting thing to me.
After what felt like a very long time I spoke.
"I'm scared if I say it out loud it will be true, but if I stay quiet it will go away."
I said in a very low voice but I know they heard me all the same.
"Avoiding it won't help love, if anything it will eat you up."
Ave said coming to stand next to me. I chanced to look at her then at Katie, I felt loved and secured and not judged.
I cleared my throat and I went and set on one of the island chairs.
"I met one of Luke's old friends today, we had lunch together only to discuss his upcoming event. But we didn't even, my fault"
I started, both of them were quite looking and listening to what I was saying.
"When we got back to Luke's office he..."
I trailed off, feeling my voice betray me yet again.
Katie who was sitting next to me put her hand on my shoulder while Ave who was opposite me, stood up quickly causing the chair to fall startling me and Katie.
"Did he hurt you?"
She nearly shouted
"I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch"
Her voice was a bit higher.
"Ave no, God no he didn't hurt me. He kissed my hand that's all"
I said looking at both of them feeling more foolish as the words left my mouth.
"He just kissed my hand"
I said again looking down, and I heard someone enter the kitchen and I knew it was Luke.
"Well if that's all he did why you upset sweetie?"
Katie asked confused at my earlier behavior and as I was about to answer Luke spoke up.
"That's cause she felt something for him and it scared her"
He said while he opened the fridge and takes out the water jug.
"I've never thought about finding someone after Nick, but with Liam, it was so intense. What does that say about my love for Nick, I have never felt like this before."
I said and with that being said I felt my heartbreak
"I'm such a horrible person "
I started crying again.
"Not even if you tried "
Luke said with conviction, I just looked at him and shook my head.
"You couldn't be horrible even if you tried, if there is anything we all in this room all know is that you loved Nick very much, your love for him was so pure."
He said again looking at me.
"And knowing my friend he would want you to be happy even without him."
He came and stood in front of me, I could see my sisters nodding their heads.
"I promised him... I promised him I wouldn't "
I said with a small sob coming out.
The thought of betraying Nickolas was killing me. I would never.
"He would never want you to keep that promise, he would never condemn you to this promise made at your lowest "
Ave said, sometimes I ask myself who was older between us.
I don't say anything I just looked at her.
"Liam is a great guy Shay, I've known him my whole life, he is one of my best mates."
Luke said placing one hand on my shoulder.
"Just give him a chance and he will take away all the pain, and he is not looking to take Nicks place, he is looking to take his place."
Luke said.
With what he said I looked at him shocked, I stood from my chair modified.
"He knows ?"
I asked almost choking on my breath.
God, he must think I'm a freak.
I looked at Luke with blurry eyes, in my mind I knew Luke would never tell my business not even to my sisters.
"You told him?"
I ask him anyway, he looked at me like I just punched him and told him Santa was not real while I drove over his dog.
"You know me better than that"
That is all he said before turning away from me.
The kitchen went silent for a few minutes before he spoke again.
"He was there for the funeral, you even talked to him at one point."
I looked at him confused trying to remember, my head started hurting from trying so hard.
" I don't recall"
I said rubbing my temples to ease the pain.
"Of cause you don't sweetie, you burley spoke to anyone. I would have been surprised if you had remembered him"
Katie said.
" I'm sorry...I'm so so sorry"
I said the last part in a whisper, looking at Luke.
"You have to take me out for lunch if you want my forgiveness muffin"
Gave me a big smile.
Earning a small laugh from all three of us.
What would I do without them?
"So what will you do now love?"
Ave asked
"Do you think you are ready to be with someone?"
Katie asks.
In all that was pure, I had no idea, I was so confused about what to do. I had promised my late husband and breaking that promise will break me but knowing the kind of person Nick was he would want nothing but happiness for me.
You just saying that cause he's HOT
"You don't have to rush, knowing Liam he will wait till you ready. After all, he's been waiting for so long"
Luke winks at me, I looked at him confused.
"What do you mean he has been waiting so long?"
Ave asked as if reading my mind.
"Well if you must know, Liam met Shay at my wedding, Shay had bumped into him at the reception during her crazy moment of being the maid of honor," Luke said looking at me amused.
"He came to me and told me how he met the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and when he pointed to you, I told him about Nick and Ash. Since then he has been searching for you in every woman."
To say I was shocked would be an understatement, how can someone wait and want someone for so long. I asked myself.
That's creepy right?
Maybe we can share my meds, he needs them.
"Oh my Word shay, do you remember how you told me at Katie's wedding of how you met this handsome guy and you said, your words not mine 'if you had not been with Nick and if you had not loved him so much you would go for this guy?"
Ave said amusements all over her face.
The memories of meeting him hit my head as they invaded my mind and how I was in awe, then I remembered his eyes.
Yes those
My God his grey silver eyes, I didn't even know I was smiling at the memories.
"Oh my God, she is blushing?"
Katie said making me blush even more, earning a laugh from everyone.
"I think all of you should go to bed now"
I said trying to be strict but only for them to laugh even harder.
After the laughing died down I just sat there looking into space.
"What will I do?"
Not asking anyone in particular.
"Follow your heart "
Katie said simply.
"My heart is with Nick"
I said not looking at anyone.
"Just go on one date and if it feels the wrong drop it there"
said Luke
"I know my friend will understand if you are still not ready"
he added.
"What if I like it?"
Again not asking anyone in particular
"Then you go on a second one"
Ave added after being quiet for so long.
"Luke be honest with me and you too Katie. I wanna know what will you'd do if you were in my situation, Katie would you break that promise to Luke and Luke would you hold the promise that Katie made?"
I asked with unshaded tears in my eyes. I hated crying, I hate being so weak.
I have been crying for the past 5 years none stop and I have been weak for the past 5 years.
"Honestly Shay I wouldn't hold on to that promise if Katie made it to me. Even in life, I want her happy, so why stop her in death. If Katie leaves today because she is not happy, to be with someone who will make her happy. I would let her go, yes It would devastate me but no I wouldn't hold her happiness over a promise she made at the weakest point of her life"
Luke said and now I saw the love he had for my sister, he looked at her like the way Nick use to look at me.
I saw genuine feelings in his eyes and the truth of what he just said.
"I would never break a promise I made to Luke"
Katie said I looked down ashamed of even thinking about it.
" I know, I don't even know what I'm thinking about"
I said in a small voice while standing up from my chair when I felt someone grab my hand.
Looking at Katie for this action of hers with confusion on my face.
"But I wouldn't want Luke's soul to be the restless cause of my misery and pain and me holding on to that promise will only mean misery for me and restlessness for him. He loved you, Shay, he worshiped you in ways you will never know. Honor him not by staying weak and in pain but by taking what he showed you and taught you, make him proud that he taught you how to love."
she said again with the tears I was trying so hard to hold, fell.
"You told me once that you never knew what love was till Nick came and opened a whole new world for you." She said putting both her hands on my shoulders
"What did you say, to me after that?" She asked me, I smiled cause I knew what she was talking about
" I said"
I cleared my throat trying so hard to speak, this time I knew I was already crying because Katie was blurry in front of me.
"I said he taught me how to love not just him but myself"
With a sob at the end.
"I knew Nick and all he ever wanted was your happiness and I trust my husband with my life, if he says this Liam guy is a good guy"
Katie finished.
"We support anything you choose to do"
Ave said engulfing me in a big hug that everyone joined in.
"You guys are suffocating me"
I said playfully making everyone laugh even me as we heard out of the kitchen with the first light picking through, everyone heads to their rooms to get ready for the day.
When I got to my door I stopped causing everyone else to stop and look at me, I don't dear look at them but I feel their eyes on me.
"Thank you"
I said in a whisper, they have done more for me than I've ever in my life, even when I broke their hearts.
When I almost killed myself.
"For everything "
I knew they heard me, I didn't wait for their responses I just opened my door and went into my room.
I started to prepare for my day.