5years ago
Waking up after a week to the reality
of two dead kids and a dead husband had me in a deep black pit of anguish and all I could do was cry.
Heavens, I wept for everything to be all just a dream and all I wanted to do was wake up from the dreadful nightmare I found myself in but the pain where my heart once was, told me I was wide awake.
It hurt to breath, and it was not because the doctors had cracked my chest wide open, or the long stitching after but because of what I had lost.
The first day proved to be the hardest for me as sobs racked my ransacked body and I didn't care if it hurt my injuries by crying.
That physical pain was better then the one in me, a gaping wound that bled profusely but I couldn't locate.
The day after I gained my consciousness I had to be sedated when my mournful cries had the doctors worried, it was as if the pain had gotten worse over night somehow.
The pain was far too unbearable for this to be my reality, I must have committed a horrible sin and this was my pance because if not, what was the sense in this gaping whole in my chest.
It hurts.
And all I did and could mange was scream my anguish, I wanted the world to also mourn my loss.
However even with those cries, it did nothing, nothing to sooth the pain away, it hurt too much.
Days blended in together and mingled themselves with my cries, I didn't know if the sun was going up or down specially after a week after me waking up, Katie had brought me the softest comforter I've ever held.
That became my hiding place, that's where I cried all my pain, that's where I broke down and wished for a quick death.
It never came, or maybe it did.
I didn't know at that point, not with the void I felt.
Weeks went by me as I stayed under my blanket, the doctors came in and out and life went on all around me and my tears never went dry.
A therapist was brought in a week ago but all I could do was cry, what was there to say at a time like this.
What could words do for me at this point, so Katie asked the hospital if she could bring our family therapist who helped me through some issues during my teen years.
Dr Mavundla has been a family therapist since mum and dad where around and was the one to help us through that.
But even when he came after he had been overseas with his family and had to cut his family holiday short by a week, even with him sitting there
"Remember we've been here before Shay."
He had said to me once, after two weeks of him coming for our appointment, but that just made me cry, thinking how last time we 'were here' didn't hurt like someone had gone to the deepest parts that made me and ripped everything into small pieces, poured gas on them and set me on fire.
We've never been here before, never.
Weeks went by and I found myself discharged from the hospital and Katie took me to her house, gave me a room with the best view of her rose garden that had a white gazebo wrapped with what looked like lights and vines.
Even that beauty looked dull, even the sun didn't shine like it used too or the sky any bright.
So I walked to what will be my bed and crawled under the soft comforter and cried to God to forgive me and bring them back and take me instead.
That was my prayer for the next couple of months.
Months of of not believing that the pain was real, it just couldn't be.
My sisters and Luke were always there and so was doctor Mavundla, never missing an appointment.
"It's not easy losing a child."
I heard him say one day as I covered myself with my freshly washed comforter and clean pjs that Katie had put out for me after I was nearly carried to the shower by her.
It hurts to move.
I just wanted to be left alone and cry my pain away if it doesn't kill me before then.
"Isn't a women an amazing creature?"
He said and I heard shuffling as he moved around in my room and his voice sounding far from where he had set.
"You all carry a whole human for nine months, while your body is going through all that some go to work, some take care of the house. But remarkably all the same."
I didn't know what was the purpose of the tale, but I did know that I couldn't be asked.
After that he didn't say anything until my cries under the comforter became whimpers. I don't know how long that was but days blended specially on days I would prefer my curtains closed.
It was not fair for the world to move on as if something this big hadn't just happened, I didn't understand why the sun shone or why the damn birds sang. How could the world move on when my life was on stand still.
It was not fair because my Nickolas was a good man and my kids where perfect angels, so why them.
"Is this real?"
I had finally emerged from under my blankets after months of being under there.
Since the funeral, everything didn't seem real, even the pain in my heart and the shutter of my soul, they all seemed unreal.
This had to be it right, right?
It felt like I was sitting in someone's body, living their life, or even with this pain that had gotten worse over the months, that I'd finally wake up and have my kids and husband in my arms.
I had too, I had too.
"What is sweetie?"
Katie had been the one to be in my room at that time, I was looking at a spot on my bathroom door and could hear shuffling and walking somewhere around my room and even a few times a figure would pass in from of me but my eyes never focused on whom it was.
The doctor I had hoped.
"Everything."
I furrowed my eyebrows and turned my head to the opened curtains and windows looking over at the gardens.
Katie was quite as I felt my bottom lip quiver, tears stream down my face and the garden became blurry.
"Am I dead?"
It hurts, it hurts so much.
I left a warm hand on my face and turned it to the source and looked at Katie. She had tears gathering in her eyes as she looked at me with a broken expression.
Her pain was so palpable, I felt my stomach drop and latch.
"No sweetie, you here with me and Ave and Luke too."
She said looking broken, she's lying. I had to be dead, that's why she sounded and looked broken, right?
I looked back out and today looked like the sky was dark with angry looking cloud ready to release the down pour.
Finally
Maybe Katie was expecting me to say more but I kept my watery eyes on the dark sky as I asked myself if it felt my pain too. Was it as heartbroken as I was and was it mourning just as I was?
We had the funeral a month after my discharge from the hospital, all I remember is the pain.
Forcing myself to walk up to their coffins tore at me and I know this, I do.
I knew this could not be real, or maybe I was dead too but mourning their lose and couldn't move to the light until I accepted what happened.
But how could I when it felt so wrong and so painful, I wanted to cut out the pain of me like it was some kind of cancer.
Maybe then I'd wake or move on to the light.
Katie lied, Katie fucken lied to me.
This couldn't be real, this couldn't be real.
"Katie lied."
I said wiping the snots from my nose and rising from the bed. A week since I've emerged from my comfort, a week since I spoke to Katie but it might as well have been just minutes ago with how my world bended time.
Looking around the room, I come face to face to Dr Mavundla. Frowning as I hadn't known he was here.
"What she lie about Shay."
He said looking at me as my lips quivered and my voice cracks as I spoke my next works.
"This is not real. I can wake up, I just need to jump off a high place. Or maybe cold water"
Rushing to the bathroom with as much strength as I had from being immobile for too long.
"Shay... Shay."
The doctor rushes behind me as I reach my bathroom sink, opening the water and pouring cold water on my face.
But nothing, so I kept pouring and the more I poured the worse my pain got because why wouldn't I wake up.?
Why couldn't I wake from this nightmare.?
"God please...please please please please. Heavens please, just wake me, wake me up wake me up."
Pouring water and nothing happening and my movement became frantic.
"Shay....come on."
I felt a hand on my shoulder and when I looked up,the doctor was standing behind me looking at me with pity.
Pity for what, doesn't he know I'll wake myself up and all this will be over and done with?
"Don't look at me like that, I'm gonna wake up."
Scream sobbing each word, willing myself to wake so he sees that we were all trapped in this joint nightmare, if not solo.
"This.."
He started but I didn't allow him to finish, I rushed past him and went to my window, perhaps a drop would do. That could jolt me up and awake.
"SHAY"
He screamed when he saw where I was headed, my hands reaching for the window and struggling and was pulled back by the doctor before I could manage.
"LEAVE ME ALONE, I HAVE TO WAKE UP. I HAVE TO WAKE UP PLEASE"
I begged him as I fought him even if he was stronger then I was, but I'd fight to wake up, fight to hold my kids in my arms again, fight to be held by the man I loved with all of my heart.
I'd fight through this nightmare, it won't break me.
"Shay...Shay, please calm down. This is real."
The doctor tried, speaking over my roars of pain, roars of loss and my roars of mourn that I would not accept.
Even if I saw those coffins go down, it was all in my head, it had to be.
It just had to be.
No sooner there are more hands on me and muffled speaking as I drowned from the pain I felt, as I concentrated on my soul shuttering.
Feeling a pinch on my arm, and my body heavy after a few seconds.
I'm carried to my bed as my screams became sobs.
It still hurts though.
Covered in my comforter, I looked out of the window that called to me to jump of it so I could wake up.
Moving my eyes to the figure in from of my eyes, my vision blurry as whatever they gave me took its effect on my body, my sobs turning into whimpers.
I couldn't tell you whom it was, all I saw was big afro hair and a light skin woman in front of me. I couldn't see her features nor could I focus on her eyes, but when I saw her I felt warm and safe.
I did also feel the raw pain she felt and it was all around the room as I made out Ave and Luke next to this woman with an Afro.
Katie, it was Katie.
Reaching out a heavy hand, I touched her warm face, closing my eyes.
I knew then because when I touched her face, I felt how sad she was, I felt her pain just by touching her face.
I felt the suffocating mourn surrounding me in the room as I blinked to clear my vision and looked at my family and the doctor.
And I knew then, months of wondering if all this was real, months of hoping and praying to wake up. I knew then that, I've been awake all along, and that the pain I've been feeling was real.
Am I being punished?
"It hurts Kaitie, my heart kaitie it hurts."
I whimper med as I rolled myself into a ball and buried my face and cried as I accepted that they truly were gone.
"I know sweetie, I know my love."
I felt her arms around me as my body was drawn into darkness.
Words that felt like sealed my faith leaving my lip.
"God...why have you forsaken me."