Back to recent day
"You moving out?"
Ave asked.
No I'm not.
"Yes Ave I'm moving out."
I said, removing the comforter off me as it sang to me like a siren.
To be honest that came out of nowhere, I don't know how it came out instead of me telling them, that for the couple of weeks I've been struggling to cope and that I was so scared.
But between me and you, I'm not moving, I'm now hoping that my joke will seem worse then what I was about to say.
"No she is not"
Luke's angry voice met my vigilante ears, I looked at him with wide red eyes surprised at his tone.
The anger that shone in his eyes was bone chilling even worse then his tone.
Tamper tamper
"You not"
Is all he said again before he tears his gaze off me.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
A bad joke.
The silence in the room was the most unnerving, even the good doctor set and watched me dig a bigger hole for myself.
Oh God what have I done now!
It's like I'm never helping always making things worse, I was really trying to break the ice.
Ave always did say I was not funny.
"Shay do you wanna explain why you wanna move out!"
Dr Mavundla asked from his chair, he wasn't asking me if I wanted, he was telling me to tell them.
Now he speaks up!
"Im not moving out, I do however hate that you guys lost 5 years of your lives because of me"
My voice was small and unsure as I spoke those words, fear, that's what it was that I was feeling. Fear that they'll put their life's on hold again.
Looking at my hands, I prepared to speak I was beat to it.
"Bullshit"
Ave said.
"You are just selfish"
Katie said with so much hurt in her voice and portrayed in her eyes, her pain was so raw it almost knocked the air out of my lungs as my breath got caught.
Did they hear when I said I'm not moving?
"Katie lets "
Dr Mavundla started but was cut off by an angry Katie.
"No Dr Mavundla , she is being selfish and that's that. What pain has she inflicted on us?"
My tear dam started cracking and without thinking I stood up angry at myself, at Katie and at the whole world in-fact.
"I am not being selfish and truth is I'm not moving out either, if anything I'm doing what you all have been doing for me all these years.
All these years I have been selfish , I have been selfish."
I take a deep breath feeling light headed.
I held my temples trying to alleviate the dizziness, I hung my head as my tears started flowing.
Looking up
"Katie, you had two miscarriages three years ago and all I did was wallow in my own pity. And Ave a guy you loved cheated on you and I was wallowing in my own pity"
I start sobbing and bowed my head again, Ave moved from the place she was sitting and came to hold me but I move away from her touch.
I didn't look at her but I felt her pain of rejection as she went back to sit down. I felt horrible.
"Don't touch me. Just don't"
My voice cracked, I couldn't hold in anything in any more.
I just wanted to burst, I felt over loaded with every negative thought and emotions that it was just spewing out of my pores.
"Every time you guys have been there and I was not there for you guys. And you still stayed and I continued to inflict you guys with my pain all because I'm too weak to handle what happened to me. And now just when I think I'm getting better THIS GUYS ALONG AND HE COMPLETELY SHATTERED THE WALLA AROYND MY HEAT WITH JUST A LOOK AND THEN HE LEFT ME BROKEN UP AGAIN.
I took a deep breath to calm my raging anger as I felt it pore over me.
"Not because he did anything wrong but because he confirmed my insecurities of not deserving to be happy"
I cant stop the word vomit as everything just comes out and all I saw in my sisters and Luke's faces was pain and pity which made my pain worse.
"Dr Mavundla says I'm sensitive"
I hated everything about myself at this point, hated that I cared what Liam did more then I should and I hated the way it affected me.
I hate him, I hate him and I hate myself for not hating him enough to stop caring about him.
"Why should you suffer because I'm weak? Why should your life stop all because of me. Ave had to move back with Katie because of me, and God do I hate the looks of pity I get from you guys, I already get it from strangers and now here too."
My voice low and filled with the pain of rejection from Liam, the pity and sad faces from my family and the fear that I might just have to stop doing what I love.
My work.
Everything inside of me was pouring out and it felt like something had finally snapped, at one point it was like an outer body experience.
Will Dr Mavundla give me more med?
My mind was screaming for me to shut up, but my mouth had a mind of its own, it was just like watching a train wreck and there was nothing I could do but watch it happen.
"Have we complained to you Shay?
Katie asked and I looked at her confused by what she meant.
Have we complained or do you think what you went through and still going through is a small thing. For fuck sake Shay."
Katie was angry and so was Luke but he was quiet and Katie was the blowing up just like me.
"I'm trying to say I'm sorry. Sorry I couldn't deal with mom and dads death, sorry I rushed into a marriage that almost tore us apart all because he made me feel alive. I'm sorry for not being there for all those times you needed me, sorry for trying to kill myself when everything became to much. I'm trying to say I'm sorry that I kept the fact that I'm drawing right now with grief in anticipation of the pain I will feel on their birthday month. I'm sorry for keeping everything in for five years even as you tried to help me because here I am, drowning again. I'm sorry I'm just sorry"
I sit on my bed with my hands on my face and wept, wept for the two years I lost in oblivion, the five years I was not here when Katie, Luke and Ave needed me.
Two years.
I was in denial with their deaths for two years.
"I hate what happened to you, I hate what you had to pass through. Those kids and Nick were your world, and they were taken from you. Your whole world, do you get that??"
Katie shouts from were she was now standing with her finger pointing at me.
"Katie calm down"
Ave spoke
"I will not calm down Ave, our sister went through hell and was getting better but that man came and shattered everything. I'm angry Ave, I'm angry at the universe for continuously kicking her when she is down. I'm angry that she thinks she needs to apologize to us when it's the world that failed her and needs to apologize to her. I'm angry at Liam for not seeing what a wonderful person she is"
Her voice cracks for the first time since she started blowing up.
Breaking my own heart even more
"I'm angry at the people who were so evil and did this. I'm angry at myself that I can't take her pain away and I'm also angry at her for thinking she is weak"
Ave and I were also crying with Katie while Luke was trying to console his wife.
The pain I thought i would be taking away from them by apologizing seems small compared to what I just did now.
"I'm also hurt, hurt that you would think so lowly of us. We have not once complained and here you are making assumptions on our part"
She ran out the room, but when I wanted to follow her Luke stopped me.
"I think the mistake was ours, perhaps we did something or said something along the way to make you feel like you had to apologize to us, not open up to the help you are given.
But know that if you move out- even if it's a joke-we will be packing our own things and moving out with you."
He said and then he left me with Ave and Dr Mavundla who had been quiet since Katie shut him up.
But he knew what was said had to be said, just not in a heated way the way Katie and I spoke.
Ave stood up from her sitting position drawing my attention to her from the door that Katie and Luke disappeared to.
"Have we wronged you some how?"
I looked at her with wide eyes, and shook my head
How does she conclude that from what I said??
"If anything I've wronged you guys and wan..."
She shook her head holding up a hand interrupting my explanation and I could see the hurt in her eyes and her tears continued to free fall.
"When we have not complained why are you?"
She ask her head tilted up the right slightly
"Why does everyone keep saying that!"
She agains shakes her head and walks to the door but before she leaves,
she leaves with my world crumbling everything around me, which was so heart breaking because I thought it already crumbled, making me realize my mistake that the only reason I was even holding on into this world was because of the three people.
"If you leave, we will never forgive you for that. We already lost mom and dad, Nick and the kids. Why do you wanna take the only sister we have?"
I fell down on my bed.
looked at a spot on the ceiling and I felt like the whole world was crumbling right before my eyes, anytime I held on to one thing, there was another that would fall apart, anytime I reached for the one falling there was always more falling at my feet.
"I might have lost the most but I'm not the only one who lost huh?"
Dr Mavundla didn't say anything he just looked and nodded when I shift my gaze back to him.
I felt like a horrible sister, Katie and Ave loved my kids like their own and they also lost a brother in Nick.
Luke lost his childhood best friend,
But i was so engulfed in my own pain to see my sisters pain.
"So what are you gonna do now that you know their true feelings?"
Dr Mavundla spoke up.
All I knew was that no more speeches, and-I learned this the hard way but- no apologizes and keeping things from them.
I shrugged my shoulders in a 'I don't know' manner.
I heard my therapist sigh.
"Then what do you know Shay?"
I looked him dead in the eye, with every conviction I could master up in my state.
"I know that I'm tired of being ruled by my pain, and it's time to stop running from it, it's time to face it.
People decided for me and took my family away, and I've been living and dead at the same time. But no more,
No more would I let another decide for me. I'm no fool, I don't think it's gonna be easy, some days will be harder then others but I know that I have to let the pain wash over me. It's my pain, mine to deal with and mine to conquer."
He nodded and wrote on the note pad.
"It's late, but I will be booking an appointment for you and everyone for Monday."
He paused for a few seconds
"Know that you are not weak Shay, if anything you strong.
Some people don't live long after experiencing what you did, my advice is to give yourself some credit and your family. The love they have for you- you all have for one another- is fierce"
He stood up and packed his things, he went out of my room and I followed him down the stairs and when we were passing the sitting room I heard sobs and Luke's encouragements to Katie.
I saw my therapist out and went back to the sitting room.
Ave walked in with a glass of water and gave to Katie.
"I won't be moving out that was meant as a joke, but clearly it didn't take."
That got their attention as they all regarded me.
"I've made a big mess of things trying to put them together, but know this. I will do all that's in my power to make things right, to take away the pain i just and have been inflicting on you, I'm sorry I hurt you Katie by apologizing to you, it's what I needed at the time and I'm sorry it's something you never seek, I'm sorry for hurting all of yous"
I say and left for my room.
It was a long night, it was a hard night. But one thing I told myself was that, it was hard yes but I made it through it, I have been making it through.
As dark as the night became, the morning never failed to come with it's light.
I tossed and turned that night but I also made a vow, if I made it through yet again this night, nothing will stop me from making things right with my sisters - even if they think there is nothing to dice- and nothing will stop me from living this life to the fullest, yes it will never be the same, and the void my kids and Nick left will never be filled but I'm still alive.
I had to honor that and honor them, and the higher powers above that saved me from the clutches of death.
A piece of me may have died too that night, but another remained, which was my sisters and Luke, and to Hell with anything or anyone that will make me feel otherwise.
Specially a man who I hardly know, that was the hardest part to admit. That I fell back into the state I was before because of a man.
A man I didn't know, not all of them can be like my Nickolas and that was a mistake on my part for thinking such, truest though, none like my Nickolas will ever live.