I had been leaving with my older sister and her husband Luke, since that faithful day.
Depressed for all those years.
Hating myself and blaming myself for all that happened.
I was just so grateful for my family, as for friends, I pushed all of them away after that day, not that I had many, to begin with.
Waking up today had me thinking about what my younger sister had said to me once, that blaming myself and crying myself to death will not bring them back.
She's been telling me that for the past five years, not just her but somehow when she said a while back, it had tugged at something deep inside of me.
How I hated her that day when she said that, then in my fit of rage she'd reminded me how she loved them too.
My brother-in-law has been offering me a job at his company, He owns an event planning firm and I had a successful career in that once.
So he has been asking me even before the incident took place because I was once number one in my field of work but I decided to be a stay-at-home mum instead after my daughter was born.
This morning when I woke up, something was different in me.
I couldn't even begin to tell you what it felt like but if I had to try and describe it, I'd say It's like two pieces of the million pieces of my soul had just got pieced together.
With that I decided to take a chance and start anew, not knowing what that even looked like.
Turning to the digital clock on my bedside, it's 6 am so I decided to prepare myself so I can speak to Luke about this position he wants me to fill.
for the past few months I have been tired of this life of wasting away, everyday I would tell myself It was the day I would start living again but then the weight in my heart would be heavier than my will to live, so I'd go back to bed.
However, today seems to be it.
Getting up, I took my shower,
blushed my teeth and wore a pair of blue skinny jeans with a white tank top and black socks.
,
When I finished and procrastinated for while I finally left my room and headed to the kitchen where I knew I would find Luke around this time.
An truly to his still intact routine I found him eating his breakfast.
"Morning"
I muttered - after having stood around the corner for a few minutes- looking down.
When I finally looked up, I saw their shocked faces to see me up this early, dressed, and out of my room.
My sister quickly hid her shock
"Morning sweetie, breakfast?"
She asked, I could hear it in her voice that she wasn't sure what to say so I wouldn't run back into my room.
Heavens knew I wanted to.
Nodding my head
"Please"
I walked in the rest of the way and set on one of the chairs on the island.
My sisters' kitchen was very Morden with a black and silver color scheme, marble countertops with matte black finish tiles on the floor, a six plate gas silver stove on the left of the door, the island was a mixture of both colors also with a matte finish and a big double door silver fridge on the far left.
"Morning muffin"
Luke greets and I had to force a small smile as all muscles have stiffened over the years.
My sister brought over a plate of pancakes with bacon, eggs, and a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.
"Thanks"
"No problem sweetie, now eat up"
she said rubbing circles on my back.
She sat next to Luke with her plate and we ate in awkward silence for what seemed like forever.
I cleared my throat disturbing the peace so I can speak to Luke.
Both turned their attention on me
"Luke?"
I started, my fork playing with my food.
"Yes muffin "
He had a laugh in his voice, perhaps it was of the way I was being timid?.
"Umm ..so...I...I'm wondering...I'm wondering if your offer ..... Umm for umm that job still stands?"
My voice came out weak- I hated it- and raspy.
They both looked at me like I had just grown a third eye or second head.
So I cleared my throat to get their attention back.
They tried hiding their shock and Katie her disapproval but failed miserably.
"Are you sure you are ready for that, I just think you are not ready for all the stress?
And why a job, I'm sorry sweetie but I don't think you are ready, you just came out of your room. You need to take things slow "
My sister said almost breathlessly.
I understood where she was coming from but she needs to know where I'm coming from as well, somehow if I went back inside my room and continued my mourn, I feared I'd never leave.
This was me drawing myself out of drowning from my shattered soul, however, that will was only two pieces out of a million strong. It wasn't that strong.
"I know. It's way way too soon. I need out 'cause it's too painful to even stay."
Was I making sense, I don't even understand myself.
"It's all becoming in vain, it's almost redundant cause it's like every day the pain gets worse and it hurts too much to feel just that. It has stripped me of everything I knew and everything I was. I stand in front of you, lost and most days I don't even know if I'm starting or if I'm ending. Saying to you that I need to do this, not just for me."
My voice was not as pathetic as I felt inside with tears close by.
They are both quiet for a while then I see Luke smiling at me with his arms crossed on his chest.
" I think it's a good idea, plus that post at the office has stayed open waiting for you"
Luke said.
But my sister shakes her head unconvinced still.
"Sweetie I think if it's one step at a time then how about you start with you just going for walk or shopping. I'm afraid of what working might do to you, I don't think you need more stress sweetie"
She said leaning towards me, rubbing me on the back. If she didn't stop, I swear I'll jump in her arms and cry and never stop.
She has to say yes, my will is fading. Quick.
" I get what you mean"
I started, slowly, almost low.
Heavens.
"But me staying at home is not helping me in any shape or form, going for a walk will not take the mind of my situation and going shopping and spending money that I don't have.
That man took them and everything he had and I was left with nothing."
Now my vision is blurry from the tears forming
"I love you for thinking about me but I This to hold on."
tears falling down my cheeks
"I'm tired of feeling empty, of feeling this void I can't even find, Nick please tell her. Make her understand that I need this"
I said the last part looking at Luke for help, my sisters own tears falling
"It's Luke sweetie, it's Luke."
Katie said
Realization hits that I just called my brother-in-law by my dead husbands' name.
"See what I mean"
Katie asked
"I'm only asking you to take it easy don't rush"
she added, now I'm was feeling defeated and my almost none existent will is on its last drop and Luke sees it.
"I don't think we need to dwell on what she called me but on what she needs, yes it may or may not be too much for her. All that doesn't matter we can leave the job then"
He said and I was so grateful for him at this point.
"Katie, she's right.
She needs to get out of that room and if the office is what she thinks is what will do it for her. Remember when you first introduced me to her, where she was?"
Luke asked Katie.
Nodding her head
"She was in the middle of a hall helping mum organize a wedding reception"
she said
"Do you remember what you told me when we were waiting for them?"
Luke asked Katie again
"I said I've never seen her so happy do anything. And that she puts her heart and soul in every event she plans"
I almost sobbed at the memory of my first event with my mother and how I came into my own because of her.
"You see how that might be the only thing that will help her heal completely, finding her heart and soul in every event that she will be planning"
Luke said to Katie.
Katie nodded her head with tears as far as mine.
I understood why Katie objected, she's been my protector before our parents died. If it were up to her, Ave and I would live with her and get spoiled by her and her husband for the rest of our lives, just so she keeps us away from the outside world.
"Yes I see it, I'm fine if she does it to find herself and heal again, not because of money, sweetie Luke and I don't mind at all but I understand that this is what you need to find yourself again"
She said wiping her tear and me doing the same.
"So Luke my sweet caring husband "
She said facing Luke
"When does she start?"
Luke smiled at his wife and holds her hand
"Anytime she is ready"
He said looking at me, I'm smiling now though it's not the one that reaches my eyes
" Today?"
I ask.
"NO "
Katie screams
"No way in hell you start today"
Luke and I look at each other than her confused.
Seeing our confused faces
"Well you can not go to the office like that cause today "
she trails off than with a big grin on her face
"We going shopping "
I just groan and shake my head at her excitement.
Luke chuckle and looks at her lovingly with so much adoration. Which makes me smile, a real smile.
Small but real.
*
So we make it to her beautiful car, A Kia SUV shortage matte black.
Are you seeing a pattern here?
The interior had cream leather chairs with black borders on them.
She drove out of her long driveway and a very big gate opened up with three guardsmen standing.
They greeted us as we drove out.
On the way, we talked- mostly her-bout what we will buy and I saw the happiness on her face as she drove.
The last time we did this was 5 years ago the day before my family died.
We got to the mall and she gasped.
"OH MY WORD "
she said.
I'm now looking around to see who in the world she saw making her react this way.
She turned and grabbed my shoulders
"We forget to call Ave"
She immediately reached in hand her bag and starts dialing her number.
Ave is my younger sister, the one who told me off, yea that the one.
I looked at Katie with a smile shaking my head at her. I didn't even hear what she'd said over the phone, I zoned out.
If you see my sisters and me you can't tell that we are Zulu, our hair is long-only because the last haircut we had was after our first birthday- afro, soft with small curls.
We are light-skinned that we are mistaken for colored at times.
But no, we just Zulu and yellow and we grew up in the ghetto.
(authors side note)
ok I got this from a song, and artist I truly love
emcee and he sings about a girl he likes PEARL THUSI, he says she is Zulu and yellow and she grew up in the ghetto. listen to the song you'll love it.
"She is 5 minutes away so we just wait here for her"
We saw Ave park her car two cars down from Katie's so we got down from the car and made our way to her. Ave squeals and engulfed me in a bear hug.
"Oh Lord please tell me I'm not dreaming"
she released me
"I'm glad you came, I came rushing when Katie told me you were here."
She said hugging me again.
"Yeah well I need clothes if I'm gonna start a new job, so I've been told"
I said earning a laugh from my sisters.
" So shall we begin"
Ave asked, right there and then I knew that I was gonna regret this day
There is no store we didn't go in.
Even things I didn't think I needed.
4 hours later our hands were full and were hungry and my feet hurt.
"Ok guys can we please get some food"
I said whining
"Plus my feet hurt, I'm not used to walking so much or being out"
I said, smiling looking at them, I saw worry and remorse on their faces as they shared a look that they thought I missed
"Oh sweetie we're so sorry we didn't mean to get carried away..."
I cut her off by putting a hand up
"See this is what I don't what, you guys looking at me like I'm broken"
I said
"Look I'm here and I need you guys to stop all this babying thing you doing, you worried yes but if you'll give me one more pity look I'm out of here and never shopping with you guys, I will come with Luke"
saying the last part with a playful tone. They caught it cause they started laughing
"Luke would rather kill himself than shop"
Ave said holding her stomach with the bag in her hand.
I couldn't help but laugh as well.
"Shall we eat and rest?"
I asked after they came down from their laughter.
"Yes, but"
Katie held up her index finger
"We not done with you just yet missy"
I rolled my eyes and started walking to the food court and I could hear Ave laughing.
So we spent almost the whole day shopping they even convinced me to get a manicure and pedicure since I'd be starting work tomorrow.
We bought everything. high hills, flats, bras, panties, pants, skirts, shirts, tank tops, even accessories, and perfumes even pajamas, and nightgowns
Ave slept at Katie's that night