THE ROAD BACK TO YOURSELF
"We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away."
There is hardly any traffic on the road in the early morning. The cab driver shot up at breakneck speed. I don't want him to slow down. Today, none of 'my family' members stop me from stepping out of 'my house'; Sartaj's house. When I enter mummy's room to carry my angel, mummy hasn't even uttered a single word. She follows me to the main door along with daddy and say, "take care and be happy." 'be happy?' Their daughter could remain happy after leaving her husband's house? No regret, no shock, they are walking behind me as if getting impatient to throw me out of 'their house.' Were they already prepared for this day? Sartaj has not even carried his daughter for the one last time. He's least bothered about our leaving his house. Neither I???
Sarima is too dazed to ask or comprehend anything. She falls asleep immediately in the cab. We reach my parents' house in half an hour; what would I call this house now? If this is my parents' house and the house, I just left is Sartaj's house, where is my house; my daughter's house? As I am paying the driver his fare, Mumma who's watering the plants walks towards the gate and gets shocked to see me with my luggage at early morning. She looks at my swollen eyes and carries Sarima, takes me inside without asking anything. Lucky, my servant; Mumma's servant, brings the luggage. Since it's Sunday today, everyone is sleeping except my Mumma. I, after freshen up, sit in the Mumma's room, where Sarima is lying in a deep slumber. She doesn't know that her house has been changed and identity too... Mumma comes with tea and light breakfast. I thought I would not be able to stop my tears on seeing my Mumma in front of me, but I think my tears get dry in my eyes. After breakfast Mumma keeps my head in her lap and she begins to stroke my hair. I don't know when I fall asleep. 'A mother understands what a daughter doesn't say.'
Sarima's voice makes me awake, I think her voice will get me back from the heaven also. My soul can hear it wherever I go. I find myself surrounded by my family members; My brother, Bhabhi and Mumma. I get relaxed to see Sarima playing with her cousins, she seems to be delighted to meet them.
"I have had a word with Sartaj," Sammy's harsh tone has told everything. My stored tears continue to flow, I scream; shout, the sobs wrack my body, robbing it of the ability to speak- barely allowing a breath to be drawn. Sammy and Mumma hug me tightly to prevent me from slapping myself. "I won't spare him, Samaira. He's ruined your life. He has to face the consequences now," Sammy's voice raised. My Bhabhi holds my hands and say, "Please don't cry, everything will be alright." Seeing me crying, Lucky takes kids outside to play in the garden. 'Thank God, Sarima has not seen me crying.'
Sammy holds me tightly, "be brave, my chhotu! I am with you...always. But tell me what do you want."
"Sammy, let her take some time to think and relax," Mumma intervenes as she wants me to take some time before taking any decision.
'I have already decided. I'll give him divorce and please no more discussions on this topic again,' I know my words will break my Mumma. But I am helpless. 'How could I live with him when he doesn't love me anymore!' Sartaj's words replaying in my head. I feel as someone slaps me; feel insulted, disowned. 'I want to block him out.' I look at Mumma and Sammy.
"Okay!" Sartaj says and hugs me again.
I have decided I won't cry now. I have done enough crying for him. It's time to think about Sarima's future. Thank to Mumma for making me so strong. I've got this trait from my family; my mother, brother and sister. I've seen them struggling after Daddy's death. Everybody advised Mumma to accept Daddy's job or let my brother or sister accepted it. But Mumma refused as they both were studying. She didn't want to do the job because I was studying in ninth grade and went into depression after losing my daddy. I felt guilty when see my family struggling so I started giving tuition to junior classes. Although, there was fewer financial issues but we wanted to use savings carefully. We've learned from Mumma to move on with time. But the major difference between my mother's and my situation is that daddy loved her till his last breath and I....
It's been a week since I came to Mumma's house. Everyone is trying to make me happy and comfortable. Sartaj has signed the papers to file for a divorce with a mutual consent. For him – it's a wish coming true! To get settled in Europe, he has to show divorce papers. My lawyer wanted me to file a case of adultery and breach of trust against Sartaj. But my family don't want me to get more insulted or ruined. Sania has also come from Jaipur with her kids and husband. She is trying hard to get my life on a normal track. Is it possible to be normal again? Living a 'normal' life for me would be live happily with Sarima; 'normal' would be to live without Sartaj, to earn for survival.
Today's the second hearing of 'our divorce'; why do I forget that there's nothing 'ours' now. I, Sammy and Garry are waiting in the corridor of the court. I am not only one who's been ditched, I can see many women as the instance of agonizing incompatibility. They come with their children, scared and embarrassed as though they are solely responsible for ruining their married life. Sartaj comes with his friend and advocate. His hairstyle has changed, looking younger than before. And I, at 27, look like 35 (I feel so). He looks at me from the corner of his eyes, he usually does when he wants to ignore someone. I thought I have no feelings for him now, I was wrong. 'He's my first love but I am not his last,' I sigh.
My only worry is to earn for Sarima, to give her a better future. "I want to apply for a job. I want to be independent, moreover, don't want to be burden on you anymore, Sammy,' I sigh. "How could you think yourself a burden on your brother, Samaira," Sammy gets emotional and wraps me in his arm. Mumma, while knitting, says," let her apply for a job. It's not about money, it's about to regain her confidence. I want to see my daughter independent. And Samaira, you'll be learning to drive a car from tomorrow. I have already booked one and given advance." We surprisingly look at her. She smiles. She is my strong pillar, my backbone.
"I didn't know I'd have to be torn down before I could be built up."
Although I don't have financial issues, Mumma and Sammy gives me money whenever I want but I hesitate to ask, strange! Before marriage, I used to spend without thinking, no hesitation to take out money from Mumma's wallet but the situation has changed. I am not alone. I have to look after Sarima also; to save for her education. With Sartaj, I forgot about financial issues. Sartaj never asked where would I spend, he usually hands me money as and when I need it. He's opened my bank account also, where he deposited amount, I used it by credit card. I still have the credit card but something stops me from using it. My ego! My anger! If his house is not mine, how could I have a right on his money! 'Samaira, don't think about your ego, think about your needs. Withdraw money before he cancelled it.' My mind behaves rationally than my heart. I rush to the market to withdraw money. But to my dismay, he has already cancelled my credit card. Great! What could I expect from such a narcissistic!