"Be Patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you"
Sartaj calls again after a week to meet Sarima but I make excuses as I don't want to meet him. I can't believe he has the audacity to call me, despite the fact that he knows how much I hate him. He knows that I don't want him to meet my daughter. Why has he come back to our life? I know he's interested in his daughter only. But why? Where is his 'family', his second family? His children from his second marriage? I want to call and ask him everything. But why I am being bothered about 'them'? 'Samaira, don't think about him. Don't stuck in his net, he is a spider.' My bleeding heart reminds me that it is already broken and it has covered itself with steel armor, it won't let anyone come closer to hurt me again. Yes, I won't let Sartaj to break me again, to snatch my daughter.
I have been ignoring Sartaj's calls and messages but I have no idea that by not taking his calls I am inviting more troubles for me.
After dinner, Sarima and I get busy in watching movie. Sarima has asked me several times about his father but I ignore. I know I am hurting her but I am helpless. The doorbell rings, startling both of us. We wonder who it could be at this time. I ask but no one replies. The image I see from the keyhole makes me scared as though I'll get faint. Sartaj is standing at the door.
"Samaira, please open the door. I want to meet Sarima. You have not been taking my calls so I have to come here," his low voice is getting louder. I rush to the bedroom to turn up the volume of television so that Sarima can't hear Sartaj's voice. "Who's at the door, Mamma?" she asks.
'My friend from neighboring apartment. She wants some sugar,' I reply whatever excuse comes to my mind. I leave and close the door behind me.
'Please Sartaj, go back. Sarima is sleeping so call in the morning,' I say without opening the door.
"Okay! Bye!" he leaves.
I immediately check the lock and all windows. 'He is not a criminal,' my mind says. 'But he has committed a crime of leaving me and can repeat by snatching Sarima,' my heart argues with my mind.
I dial Mumma's number and tell her everything. "Don't worry, he can't harm you. Would you want me to come or send your brother?" she asks.
'No, I think you're right. I am overreacting. I'll call you in the morning,' I put the phone down and lie with Sarima who's falling asleep.
I have to think about this matter. It is a serious one. I think I should discuss with my brother about Sartaj's right on Sarima after our divorce Since Sartaj was not interested in the custody of Sarima, I have never thought about this situation. I look at the mobile, it's 23.00 hrs. Sammy must be awake. I call him and discuss everything with him. He gets hyper but controls his anger and assures me that he'll solve my problem after discussing it with his lawyer. "Don't you worry. I am here. I won't let the bastard to hurt you again."
'If he'll call in the morning?' I ask as I know he'll definitely call.
"Tell him that he can meet her next week. And if he argues then call me immediately." Sammy solves my problem though not completely. But at least I know what to reply.
Sammy's lawyer has told us that Sartaj has a right to meet his daughter but he can't take her anywhere without my permission. According to him, we should amicably solve this problem. Sammy suggests me to call him at my parents' house to discuss everything. 'If he says he wants Sarima's custody,' I begin to cry. Sammy hugs me and says, "Do you think I'll let him to do this?"
'But I want to meet him alone before coming to any conclusion. I'll leave Sarima here today and will call him to meet me,' I look at my brother who may refuse me to meet him. But to my surprise, he gets agreed with me, "Meet him at the crowded place or some nearest restaurant and keep your mobile on."
'You don't get worried,' I'll call you if I feel any need.' I want to ask about his family, his kids. Why has he come back to India? We have learned to fight, to live alone. I no longer need 'any Sartaj' in my life again.
I call him at Café Coffee Day, not to remind him about our past, but to make him realized that his memories don't haunt me anymore. Places and belongings lost their value in strange surroundings and relations.
We sit quiet for a while.
He initiates, "You should have brought Sarima with you, I am craving to meet him." He gives me a way to my question.
'Why? Why are you craving to meet her, whom you left when she needed you? What happened all of a sudden that forces you to show your fake love to 'my daughter'? I want answers of all my question. I'll decide after listening your excuses, though fake one, if you deserve to meet her or not,' my rage knows no bounds.
He gets shocked as he has not expected me to ask him anything. His tensed face muscles give me immense pleasure. He clears his throat, as usual, and speaks in his calm voice that I hate the most, "I know I hurt you and Sarima. I am suffering too." He doesn't sound sorry.
'You are suffering!" I smile.
"After divorce, I and Nazmeen got settled in U.K. But we didn't get married because we wanted to see if our relationship could work for two years." His every word is reminding the trauma I suffered because of him. He continues without looking at me. I want to say that why do you give two years to every relationship but remain silent.
"In two years, we grew professionally but personal relationship couldn't survive for long. Nazmeen was too ambitious to sacrifice her profession for marriage." My heart and mind get numbed. 'You didn't marry her?' I finally ask the question but don't want him to reply. Why?
"We got married." he replied. I cannot make out if I am more disappointed or relieved to hear about his marriage.
"But happy married life is not in my destiny," he said and look at me. I want to slap him for this. How could he say this? It was he who broke our marriage. What was wrong in our marriage?
'You don't deserve to get happy in 'any marriage', in 'any relationship'.' My patience gets over. I cannot tolerate the beast anymore. I get up to move but I really want to know if he has left 'her' or this time, she has abandoned him. I sit down to listen more.
"I did my best to make our marriage worked." he continuous. I met his taunting gaze.
'Why are you giving me these looks?' I get angry.
"I haven't said anything about our marriage. I know you tried your best and it was me who couldn't support you. I cannot even ask for forgiveness. I know the pain I've given you; the loss is irreparable one. But It happened. I was helpless." His accepting the mistake gives comfort to my pain. The heavy weight is lifted, to some extent, from my aching heart. I feel I am crying but there was not a single tear in my eyes. 'You have got the divorce second time?' I ask.
"She's not given me divorce. She is living with her son." he added, "Yes, she got agreed to conceive and gave birth to a boy. I thought our son would be a reason to stay together." I got taken aback.
'You have a son, a family! What do you want from my daughter? She had learned to live without father, but how would my poor girl survive now? You are disgusting. You are Sadist.
'Nobody can be a reason for making any relationship worth keeping if both the partners are not willing to stay in it.' I breath heavily. 'What do you want from your life? You gave me divorce to marry her. And now, you have a son from her but you are unhappy and not living with her. You've hurt so many people in your life. You have screwed over the feelings of everyone who loves you. You inflict a scar that doesn't turn up physically but runs deeper.'
"But I haven't left her, she doesn't want to live with me. She even is least bothered about her son," He blames her as he blamed me. "But I'll go back to her. I still love her.
One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else.
Although I had no feeling for him, but I get hurt 'again' to know, what I already know.
"Samaira, I love my daughter too. Yes, I left her but now I am filled with remorse."
'You want to meet my daughter because you wanted to try to win my heart by loving my daughter so that you can enter into our life again. I know Nazmeen will not live with you and you too are aware of the fact. You deserve this, Sartaj. Every blessing ignored becomes a curse. You have got what you have given to others. You have made it your habit or hobby to leave who loves you. You get bored and want change. But feelings once changed can never get back.
I get up and leave.
"You were dead to me the moment you abandoned me for the arms of another but I was dragging your corpse with me for a long time. Today, it's a time to dig a grave and bury you, to stop holding on to you."