LET IT BE...….
2003
PRESENT DAY
"Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone."
These days, I am dwelling in the same situation. I want to meet Mumma when get scared of being alone but 'living alone' is too deep seated to get rid of, as though an integral part of my life; a part that I can neither accept nor leave.......
I get inside and glance at the wall clock, it's 21.30 hrs. my doll is still sleeping. She has accepted, like her mother, this life; this family, a family of two! She doesn't miss her father because she was too young to remember him (fortunately). But at her grandmother's home, when she sees her cousins with their father, she looks at me as though wants to know if every child is blessed with a father! "Where is my father," she must have asked herself. I try to play both the roles but get failed sometimes.
'Sarima, my baby! Get up my angel. Mamma has cooked vegetable soup and porridge for you,' I caress her cheeks. She opens her eyes at once, porridge is her favorite. She sits in my lap and starts looking outside to the opposite building from the window pane. All the houses with lights on seem as lights have driven out all the darkness from these houses. Don't know what Sarima is thinking! My heart sinks, I carry her and put on the kitchen light. 'My bebu will sit here and mamma gets the food ready', to divert her thoughts, I give her kitchen set which her masi (my sister) has given. She starts playing with it on the kitchen slab. After dinner, we watch her favorite cartoon 'Noddy'. Her mood has changed so I get busy in preparing notes for my IELTS students.
I had to leave the editor job after three months of joining. My boss wanted me to give him something 'extra'. Being a divorcee, I should have known that I am 'easily available' (as my boss said) for everyone. "Why are you ruining your life, enjoy it to the fullest," he says usually. In the beginning, I thought he's inspiring me to live my life independently. I couldn't understand 'enjoy'.
After leaving the job, I applied for English teacher in various schools but unfortunately, I couldn't get job as I didn't have B.Ed. degree. So, I enrolled in a correspondence B.Ed. from Delhi Correspondence University. Meanwhile, I tried my luck as an IELTS instructor, fortunately, I am earning enough to afford basic lifestyle amenities along with funding long term needs. But I know I have to work hard to give my daughter a secured and successful life. I have saved Sartaj's 'compensation' into fixed deposit for Sarima's future, in case, if I die without saving enough for her; she would not have to get worried for anything. I don't want my daughter to get deprived of anything. I try to fulfil her every wish. I have decorated her room like a doll house; of lavender color as she wanted her room to be looked like her doll's house. But I never pamper her for unreasonable demands.
I don't realize when my princess has slept. I tuck her in, kiss her and put off the lights. I read her a story but today she's slept without listening her bedtime story. I too want to sleep like her but sleep, like always, evades me.
"Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart." I am missing Sartaj tonight, and I have been ignoring this feeling. The more I think about him, the more I picture Sartaj and his girlfriend, or might be a wife now, together. A feeling of jealous and resentment makes me blind with hatred. I picture them in bed, having coffee together. Would he make coffee for her also? I have buried the past, but why digging out the memories?
"Let go....
How would your life be different if you learned to let go of things that have already let go of you?
I realize that each day and week is moving faster than the previous one. I can't believe I have travelled so far! The experience of my life has taught me that it is a journey that must be travelled no matter how bad the roads you walk on, we must walk the path. I have been working in the school for two years as a senior English teacher. My profession is really an honorable one. My students love me and respect me. The Principal of the school compliments that I've earned this respect. She is very supportive too. The bond with my colleagues has strengthened with time. Sarima is studying in my school, so it's really convenient for me to maintain a balance between home and work. Sarima is studying in grade I and seems to be enjoying her life with new friends, new school and 'new Mamma'. Yes, new Mamma! I have changed; I am not the weak Samaira, who used to cry only, who was scared of men. Some painful experiences have taught me that I didn't think I needed to know. Thanks to all the wrong people who taught me the lesson of life. 'Thanks to my struggle, without it I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength'.
I could never trust any except my family: my brothers and sisters and my Mumma. If they had not been with me, I wouldn't have learned to keep going even in bad times.
I go for shopping, watch movies with Sarima and my friends. My family never forgets me to invite on social gatherings. I spend weekends at Mumma's house or with Sania. Sometimes my nieces and nephew come to stay with us.
To everyone, I am happy; I am changed. Yes, but the wounds given by my love, given by the society; could never be healed. 'Time heals all wounds', I disagree. I try my best to forget the past, to forgive Sartaj but alas- all my efforts are in vain. Wounds leave scars and scars don't heal...never....
I too deserve to be happy, to be loved but a part of my heart is still connected to Sartaj. Why? I want to move on. My sister and brother have brought few marriage proposals but I refused as I want to be emotionally and spiritually prepared to accept someone 'again'. How could I commit until I resolve my emotional wounds; until let go of the past. Would I ever be? Moreover, how could I forget Sarima! Would the man I get married, accept my daughter? If I would be betrayed again? Could I love anyone as much as I loved Sartaj?
I used to commute to school by my car but metro seems more convenient so, we go by metro now. It saves time and economical too. The metro station is just ten minutes away from my apartment. So, I and Sarima take rickshaw to reach metro station. But I feel sorry for my darling. She has to get up early to go with me though her primary school begins at 9. She sits in my staff room till her assembly begins. But we are enjoying our life though superficially. Today, the metro is full even though it is not the peak hour, we haven't got any seat. Somehow, I manage to get a seat for Sarima. I always prefer travelling in women compartment but I have to run towards general compartment as the metro was about to leave when I reached the platform.
While standing I see a familiar face. He comes near me while I am trying to recognize the face. "Hi!" he greets. "Excuse me, Madam! Are you Miss Samaira?" he smiles, the recognizable smile. 'Hello! Yes, I am. Sorry, have we met before?' I ask nervously as I feel he might be a relative of Sartaj. "Did you graduate from Delhi university, English (Hons.) batch?" he asks. 'Yesss.... But you?' I think I know him but the tough journey has made me forget everything about my happier days.