FORTUNATELY, the coffee isn't too hot to make my face burnt, but my soul gets burns. I stiffen as I realize what has happened, but before I could even raise my voice, he leaves. I don't know how to react, what to say, where to go.... I keep sitting there, face drenched in tears and coffee... keep sitting and the night passes but not the …
Sarima's cries wake me up.... She's coming towards my room. I rush to bathroom to wash my face and change the white nightie that gets yellow stains. I don't want my daughter to get scared of seeing her mother in this situation. She won't understand and I won't let her understand...ever. It's 8 a.m. Last night! I have no time to think about it, Sarima is crying continuously. I carry my angel and make her lie in my lap and begin to feed her, soothes my soul to some extent....
Mummy enters, "Samaira, are you okay? You never wake up late!" 'Yes Mummy, I am fine. We slept late last night so can't realize about the time,' I smile to conceal my swollen eyes. She comes closer, "What happened? Sartaj has left early today without breakfast," she holds my face in her hands. I struggle to control my emotions, to hold tears, but with her touch dam of my tears break off. Mummy keeps Sarima on bed slowly as she falls into sleep. And holds me; hugs me, my emotions burst out I weep like a little girl and keep my head in Mummy's lap. She remains silent and strokes my hair, "Don't let any misunderstanding overshadowed your married life, clear everything today when he comes back." I swallow a lump in my throat and my eyes overflow with tears again. Mummy gets breakfast for me; I try to go to the kitchen but don't feel strength in my body. The last night's incident has made me weak. 'You've to be strong, Samaira, for yourself; for your daughter,' I make a decision.
"There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this"
I have not done anything today except cooking for my daughter. It's a strange feeling! I had a kind of feeling that this house needs me always; the house is dependent on me, I never get free from the household chores as I feel that every work, in this house, needs my touch to get it completed. But today, I don't find any interest in doing anything for this house. My reality is the misconception about me. For whom I do cooking or make bed? It's 18.00 hrs., Sartaj has not yet come from his work. Should I call him or wait for him? Is it worth to wait for the man who had thrown coffee on my face?
'Don't be so pessimistic,' my inner voice reminds me of my so called happy married life, I have to save it. 'It can be possible that Sartaj was really got tired of work and I raised his irritation with my over-caring behavior and it very often happens that in a moment of irritation husband and wife have a dispute. I make up my mind to clear the misunderstanding today. I get up and take a hot shower, wear navy blue sweat shirt with denim jeans paired with boots. Sarima is already ready for a walk. I walk towards the park to feel the fresh air. Sarima gets elated to see her favorite place. This is the best part of the day for her when she visits park. I keep her pram near my cemented chair. She wants to play with her friends who meet her in the park daily. 'She doesn't know what's her mother going through,' her innocent and carefree smile reminds me of the days when I wasn't hurt at all.
Sartaj's voice stops me at the door, he's shouting at daddy. I can't hear anything. Mummy carries Sarima from the pram and I headed towards kitchen to get the dinner ready. After dinner, Sartaj closes himself in his study's and I come to my room. Sarima sleeps with mummy. I don't know how to ask Sartaj about the last night. Worn out in mind and body alike, I am perfectly incapable of pursuing any regular train of thought. The opening of door diverts my attention, Sartaj enters with tensed looks. 'This is not my Sartaj,' a feeling shivers down my spine.
"Samaira, I want to say something," he sits at the edge of the bed as if wants to keep some distance. He purses his lips as though weighing his words before saying anything. "Sorry for how I behaved last night," he looks at me. First time, I am unable to see any feelings for me in these eyes or I am just overthinking. 'It's okay,' I nodded.
"I.... I.... cannot live with you anymore," this has come as a total bolt from the blue. "I have been in a relationship for one year. She was one of the delegates who came last year from Europe. Nazmeen is a fashion designer. She has helped in growing my business with her innovative ideas. She visits India twice a year to meet me, to help me in my business. I still care for you but I don't love you anymore. I love Nazmeen. We have decided to get settled in Europe," he calmly narrates his new love story. If this scene would be from a daily soap, this would be the moment when I got fainted while a sad background music is played. But this is a real life, and I remain sitting motionless, with moist eyes and motionless lips. I should have burst into tears! But nothing is happening like the way it should have happened. I should have shouted at him, slapped him for violating my trust! He has shattered my faith in him. I exhale slowly with deep sigh, 'Do you want a divorce?' Sartaj's shocked expressions makes me proud of myself, being strong and calm but in real I am broken, screaming with pain. He was expecting me to create a scene, like every woman who has contributed years in making the house to home with love and dreams, but my cold and firm response makes him guilty to some extent. "Samaira," he clears his throat and shifts towards me, "It's not that I don't have any feelings for you, I just don't feel in a way I feel for Nazmeen. I know you have made 'my house' exquisitely clean; you take care of everyone in the house; even you have won my step mother's heart with your caring behavior. You have been a good wife and a great mother. Ours marriage 'was' a happy marriage, but I don't know when I started losing interest in you and got attracted towards Nazmeen. It might have happened when you make yourself occupied with Sarima only." I am shocked and surprise at his allegations or better to say excuses to lure towards a woman who may look sexy with a perfect figure, unlike me. Yes, I agree I have put on a bit of weight since Sarima came but how could this be a reason to leave your spouse with whom you were madly in love, beyond the universe and back (I thought so). I can see Sartaj's moving lips, he's saying something but I am unable to hear.
I find myself lying on my bed, surrounded by 'my so-called family'. Sarima is crying as though she can feel her mother's pain. I try to control my emotions but get failed. I break down in tears, I have been holding since evening. I choke upon an importunate sob and dig my nails into the palms of my hands. I run towards the bathroom and lock the door from inside. While washing my face, the floor cleaner liquid catches my attention. 'Samaira, there's no use to live now, just finish everything now, finish yourself.' I open the bottle, "Mamma," Sarima's voice shakes me up. I immediately put the bottle down and open the door. 'My baby,' I hug my life, my lifeline. I have to live for her. Sartaj is sitting quietly, expressionless on the bed as if waiting for the climax scene of the drama.
Mummy takes Sarima to her room and daddy leaves too without saying anything! Do they know everything? Could it be the reason behind my mother-in-law being so sugar-coated or I am just overthinking? We, not we, I and Sartaj sitting quietly at the two edges of the bed, the two edges seem to be the two banks of the river which can never meet. It's 3 a.m. and the night sky is littered with millions of stars and I gaze at them from my bedroom as the curtains have been drawn. These are the same stars I saw when I first time came to this room. They are so lucky that they never fall in love, get married and thrown out of one's life like a useless thing. Their shine never gets fade or worn out with time. "What have you decided," Sartaj asks as if we're planning to go for a holiday. 'What would you expect me to decide? Would you be agreed with my decision?' I ask him with the same breath. He winced and breaths deeply, "What do you want to say, go ahead." 'I want you in my life again. I want you to live with me, with your daughter and your family. Forget what happened, we'll give our marriage another chance and I am sure we'll get successful in it. Sartaj, I am the same Samaira whom you loved, who's the mother of your child. Our relationship cannot be broken in this way, we are still connected to each other through Sarima,' I want to hold his hand but something stops me.
"It's not possible now. I feel we get along better when separated. I want to have my freedom now and I'll be happier with Nazmeen," Sartaj's words break the last piece of my heart. "But I'll not do injustice with you. You can live in 'my house' with Sarima as I have told you I would shift to Europe. I will send 'compensation every year," His words cut deeper than knife. 'Your house,' I shout, the effort to remain calm since evening burst into volcano. 'Is this your house only? And how dared you say you would send compensation! Could you compensate the years I have given to this home, to you? Could you repay of loss you have done to me? When Sarima would ask about you, when my little girl wants her father to be accompanied her to school, what would I say? Could your 'compensated money' be replaced you?'
I take down the big suitcases kept in the cupboard space. I carefully pack Sarima's and my clothes, foot wears, jewelry, her toys and other accessories in three big suitcases. The suitcases that once I packed to begin my married life, in which I brought my dreams of my new life from my parents' house; going back with the same suitcases but stuffed with shattered dreams.
'It's okay to walk out of someone's life if you don't feel like you belong in it anymore.'