PROLOGUE
Forgiving does not erase the bitter past.
A healed memory is not a deleted memory.
Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget
Creates a new way to remember.
We change the memory of our past into
A hope for our future.
Vimal, my new IELTS student, called me up to confirm about his classes has made me elated as now I will get one more student but my elation is short lived. There is an excitement in his tone. It seems that he is in a celebratory mood, 'Ma'am, I've got a divorce and I'll leave the country as soon as possible'. My heart starts pounding and starts beating at what feels like a thousand beats in a minute, "Ma'am- you there?' I exhale slowly with deep long sigh, 'Yes', you can join from tomorrow' and drop the phone.
These words were not new to me. Somebody was, like him, so excited to get divorce and leave the country, leave his wife. THAT RINGS A BELL. Vimal's phone call takes me to down memory lane....
July 2002 My husband comes and tells in his as usual composed voice that it is over and he wants divorce, I fail to assimilate. Although I had this premonition the steeliness and edge in his voice made me shudder.
It's been around a year but the dreadful word DIVORCE takes my breath away inside out. For the world, I've got divorce and got rid of Toxic Marriage but for me, divorce has taken my soul from my body. Let bygones, be gone.... not so easy. To the world I am a changed person, a fighter.... but I am standing at the same place where he left me, abandoned me. My efforts to move in vain. I moved physically but not mentally. My soul is still wounded, suffering, its being tormented. Why? Why me?
The doorbell rings. Sonam, my maid, comes late again and today I've decided I would not keep her in my house anymore. She enters and excuses, "Madam, I slept late last night as my husband said that he is going to leave me for not having baby so I was crying and couldn't sleep". What the hell is happening in this world??? I solace her but I think death has its solace only....
Sonam starts mopping the floor and I try to do something to evade the old memories or I would say disrupted old memories but my endeavor to distract my mind in vain. I think I should make a coffee.
Coffee, my companion, for years as it soothes my disturbed mind and thoughts. It's like my journals whom I can talk with or who comprehends me without saying anything. I take my cup of coffee add some chocolate syrup that I usually do when I am riled (although I am on diet my bad mood can be changed or relaxed with this combination only) and sit in the balcony, my favorite place.
COFFEE, is actually a seed. When dried, roasted and ground, it's used to brew coffee. Coffee seeds are planted in large beds in shaded nurseries and then the newly planted coffee trees have to bear fruit. And if trees can't bear fruits? They are called Sterile plants? Or the infertile soil is blamed? I relate my life to coffee!!
COFFEE takes me to the days when I got engaged though walking down memory lanes will do you no favors "Madam, what would you like to eat today, I'll cook it? "asks Sonam. "Nothing, I'll cook myself if want to eat anything. You just do clean the house and leave. You're not well today", I reply. I can deduce how she's feeling right now. Sonam leaves with her swollen eyes and bruised face. I am sipping my coffee; with each sip I am feeling calmed. I never liked coffee and would have never tasted it if HE had not come into my life.
Humans enjoy drinking coffee, despite its bitterness. We love the effect, the stimulation and the daily ritual more than the taste. I believe that we first time we drink or eat something with a strong flavor, it might be terrible but get accustomed to the taste, likewise, we get used to get hurt in a certain relationship. The more we tolerate the more we get attached. Strange!