CHAPTER 26: I'll Kill You In My Next Life
CELAENA EDWARDS
"Don't dare to come inside. We have weapons," sigaw ko habang nakatalikod sa pinto. Nanginginig ang buo kong katawan sa takot. Our death had come, I realized.
I tried to blink back the tears but they wouldn't stop. Umagos nang tuloy-tuloy ang luha pababa sa pisngi ko. Saglit akong pumikit at isang alaala ang bumalik sa isipan ko. Napakalinaw niyon—ang alaalang pilit kong ibinabaon at pilit kinakalimutan.
Matapos ang klase namin nang araw na 'yon, nagpaalam ako kay Blair at Brooke na mauna na sila sa pag-uwi dahil may aasikasuhin lang ako bago umuwi. We bid our goodbyes and I watched their figures disappear as they walked out of the room. Naghintay ako nang ilang minuto at nang masigurong mag-isa na lang ako, pabagsak ako umupo sa mesa. I lay there inside our classroom, on top of the table, while staring at the light. Naramdaman ko na lang ang mabagal na paglandas ng luha pababa sa aking pisngi. I didn't bother wiping it. Wala namang makakakita sa akin.
I promised Ryan that I will meet him at the Laboratory after our class. That can wait. Marahas akong napabuga ng hangin at ipinikit ang mga mata ko. Bakit hindi ako naging maingat? I fucking kissed Stella behind Gerry's like some kind of asshole. And Ryan took a picture of it. Bugso lang siguro iyon nang damdamin ko nang hilahin ko siya sa likod ng restaurant na 'yon para halikan. I thought nobody would see us. Gabi na niyon kaya sigurado akong wala nang taong dumadaan. Heck, kaunti na nga lang ang mga customer sa loob ng Gerry's. So how the hell would I know?
Stella is my girlfriend. We haven't seen each other for almost a month kaya naman nang lumuwas siya rito sa Isla ng Ellis, I grabbed the chance and met with her at that goddamn restaurant. I fucking missed her so much. Hindi rin kasi kami masyadong nakapag-communicate dahil busy siya sa pag-aaral niya sa Manila. She's a college student and she's dating a high school student. I know. Pero halos magkasing-edad lang kami kaya hindi iyon naging problema para sa 'kin. I love her and that's what matters, right?
Napahampas ako sa magkabila kong pisngi. "You should've been more careful, you fucking idiot," sabi ko sa sarili ko.
"Language, Ms Edwards," sabi ng boses sa harap ng silid.
Halos mahulog ako sa mesang kinalalagyan ko nang marinig ko ang pamilyar na boses ni Sir Denver. Agad akong tumayo at isinukbit ang bag ko sa aking balikat.
"Sir, I thought you left, sorry po," pag-hingi ko ng paumanhin sa kanya.
He was standing by the door and a smile curled his lips. Naglakad siya papunta sa mesa sa harap ng silid at ipinatong ang kanyang suitcase doon.
"I think you have a problem, Miss Edwards," aniya.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. "Sa grades ko po ba?"
"I think you know what I'm talking about," he added and motioned for me to sit on the chair across to him. "Do you want to talk about it? I'm a good listener. Please, sit."
Malungkot akong napangiti sa tinuran ni Sir Denver. Huminga ako nang malalim bago naglakad pababa ng silid at pumunta sa mesa ni Sir Denver at umupo sa iminuwestra niyang upuan.
"Tell me," aniya.
Nagbaba ako ng tingin at pinag-isipan nang maigi kung sasabihin ko sa kanya. And then I looked up at him. He was staring back at me with an understanding smile plastered on his face. Sir Denver had been my adviser ever since I set foot in Ellis High. Simula first year ako, siya na ang naging class adviser ko. But through those years, we haven't had any one-on-one talks. Maybe, I'm just not the type to feel comfortable with one-on-one talk with someone. But that someone is not Sir Denver. He's more than that for me. Tinulungan niya akong maipasa ang mga subject ko na pabagsak na dati and even now. He still helps me in any way he can.
"So," I began. "My friend is, let's just say, maybe, a bisexual. She liked both genders. Equally, as far as she knows. But then, one night, she was found by one of her classmates kissing a girl. And now wala siyang idea kung ano sunod niyang gagawin. I mean, she's still in the closet so I'm just concerned sa kanya. Äny advice, sir?"
Sandaling naningkit ang mga mata niya at tumingin sa kawalan. "Well, if I were you, I will tell my friend that she would need to come out sooner or later para mas maigi, para mas gumaan ang pakaramdam niya. Parang ibon. For her to be able to fly freely. At isa pa, we're living in a society that accepts the LGBTQIA+. And that there's nothing wrong with her. Keep on telling her that. Sigurado akong it will make her feel better," pahayag niya. "And one more thing, tell that asshole, I mean her classmate that saw to keep his mouth shut and don't meddle with other people's lives."
Bahagyang nagulat ako sa salitang ginamit ni Sir Dender pero tumango-tango ako. "Coming out is not an option for my friend," sabi ko sa kanya. "It will never be an option for her. Anyways, thank you for the advice, sir. Makakaasa kayong maipaparating ko 'yan sa kaibigan ko."
Tumayo na ako at lumabas na ng silid. What I told Sir Denver back there was true. Kapag nalaman nila Mama na may girlfriend ako, hindi ako sigurado sa magiging reaction nila. But I know that my Father will be the first one to accept me. Not my Mother. She hates me. For what reason? I have no idea.
Naikuyom ko ang mga kamay ko habang naglalakad ako sa kahabaan ng pasilyo ng fifth floor nang bumalik sa isip ko ang sinabi ni Ryan. What the fuck does he want from me?
Nang marating ko ang Lab, pinihit ko pabukas ang doorknob at pumasok na. Walang tao roon.
"I fucking made it clear to him to meet me here," pabulong na angil ko sa sarili ko.
Instead, I wrote him a piece of paper that says, Meet me at the café in front of our school.
And then I left the room. Bumaba ako ng hagdan at naglakad palabas ng high school building. Nadaanan ko ang mga ka-team ni Ryan but he wasn't with them.
"Hey, it's Edwards! Where are your friends?" Samuel asked.
"Why do you need to know?" mataray na turan ko sa kanya.
Nagtawanan ang mga kasama niyang lalaki. I rolled my eyes at them. Naglakad palapit sa akin si Samuel but I was quick to push him away. "Get your stinky ass away from me," I said, looking disgusted then walked away from them.
Lumabas na ako ng Ellis High at dumeretso sa cafe. The door chimed as I pushed it open. Wala masyadong tao sa loob maliban sa nag-iisang babae na mukhang estudyante rin ng Ellis High. She looked like she was a first year student dahil hindi pamilyar ang kanyang mukha.
I headed for the counter and ordered one Matcha Latte drink. Ryan can buy himself one, I'm sure. Nang maupo ako at naghihintay sa order, napatingin ako sa labas ng café. Traffic sa labas dahil malapit na ring gumabi. Ilang oras na lang siguro ay mapapalitan na ang kulay kahel na langit ng kulay ng itim. Napabuntong-hininga ako nang maalala ko ang banta ni Ryan. He said that he would out me if I don't go out on a date with him. What a fucking pig. Yes, I'm scared. Hindi pa akong handing malaman ni Blair at Brooke ang totoong ako. I haven't even had the guts to tell them about Stella and my sexuality. And imagining them learning about it from the other students scared the shit out of me. Hindi ko hahayaang lumabas ang pinakatatago kong sikreto. Not yet. Hindi pa ako handa.
Hinawi ko ang buhok ko at inilagay iyon sa likod ng aking tainga. I decided to go in the restroom first. Gusto kong makita kung ano ang hitsura ko. I didn't want to look scared in front of Ryan kapag nagkita na kami. I heard the door chimed but I didn't bother looking who came. Dumeretso ako sa restroom at isinara iyon sa likuran ko. Humarap ako sa salamin and stared at myself.
"You will get through this, Celaena," sabi ko sa aking sarili. I forced myself to believe it.
Biglang tumunog ang seradura. "Someone's here!" I shouted. Saglit na tumigil ang paggalaw ng seradura bago iyon tuluyang bumukas. I stepped back when I saw Ryan smiling at me.
"Nandito ka lang pala. I've been looking for you," aniya. He closed the door behind him.
"Get out—"
I was about to shout at him when he held his phone in front of my face. Litrato ko iyon at ni Stella na naghahalikan. That shut me up.
"Why are you here? Let's talk outside," I said casually, trying to calm myself. Pero mabilis niyang pinigilan ang kamay ko nang akma kong aabutin ang seradura.
"Stay, Edwards. Why so impatient?" halos pabulong na sabi niya.
I could feel my heart starting to beat rapidly inside my chest. Pinilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko. Huminga ako nang malalim at tiningnan siya sa mga mata. "Gusto mong mag-usap dito? Fine, let's talk here," saad ko. "What do you want, Ryan?"
Sumilay ang isang ngiti sa kanyang labi. "You."
"Fuck you," sabi ko.
I tried to reach for the doorknob but this time, he held both of my hands firmly. "Let me go," nagpupumiyos na sabi ko. "I will scream if you will not let me go, I swear."
"You don't get to be the person of power here, Edwards," he said, his voice dangerous. "Kaya kong i-send 'to sa group chat natin and it will only take a second for me to ruin your precious little life."
Napalunok ako. Tama. Wala akong alas sa kanya. Even if I managed to get out of here, sigurado akong ise-send niya ang litratong iyon sa gc namin. But I have a strong feeling he's about to do something to me. At alam kong hindi ko iyon ikatutuwa.
"W-what do you want from me?" hindi ko napigilan ang panginginig ng boses ko.
He scoffed. "I want you to strip naked. Right now."
Naikuyom ko ang aking mga kamay. Napuno ng galit ang sistema ko. I had never felt this helpless in my life.
"And then what?" I asked him.
"You'll see," tanging sabi niya.
Sa nanginginig na mga kamay, I began unbuttoning my blouse and my skirt.
"All of it," ani Ryan at nakangising pinapasadahan ng tingin ang katawan ko.
I wanted to run. Gusto kong magpalamon sa lupa. Gusto ko siyang sapakin hanggang sa mabasag ang kanyang bungo. But I know that I won't be able to do that. Masyado siyang malakas kaysa sa 'kin. Masyado siyang malaki.
Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagbagsak ng mga luha pababa sa aking pisngi. Inisip ko na lang si Stella. Her life will be ruined too kapag na-expose ang litrato namin. Siya na lang ang inisip ko.
As I removed the clasp of my bra, I watched Ryan's face like he was some hungry dog. Binitawan ko ang bra at bumagsak iyon sa sahig ng restroom.
"Come on. Remove your panty," aniya at tinuro ang underwear ko.
And I did as he told me. I removed my underwear. Sinubukan kong takpan ang maselang bahagi ng katawan ko but he quickly removed my hands. I stood naked in front of him. Naramdaman ko ang lamig ng loob ng restroom.
He looked at my body as he walked towards me until we were only inches away from each other. Naramdaman ko ang magaspang niyang kamay na humawak sa dibdib ko. I looked away from him. Hindi ko siya kayang panoorin. I closed my eyes firmly trying to think of something else.
"Open your eyes, Edwards. I want you to look at me," he whispered under his breath.
I feel so disgusted with myself. How could I just let him touch me like this? Dapat ay lumalaban ako.
I forced my head to look at his face. "Ganyan," sabi niya. I felt his other hand slipped in between my thighs. Napaungol ako sa sakit na dala niyon.
Patuloy sa pagbagsak ang maiinit na luha pababa sa aking pisngi. "Tell me 'I'm your puppet, Ryan'. Say it to me!" pabulong na angil niya sa pisngi ko. Napakislot ako roon.
"I-I…" I began. "I'm y-your p-puppet…"
I realized I was sobbing silently. "Good girl, Edwards."
"P-please, R-Ryan…" I said barely a whisper. "L-let me g-go…"
Mas lalong dumiin ang pagpasok niya sa ibabang parte ng katawan ko gamit ang kanyang mga daliri. I stopped myself from screaming in pain.
And then slowly, he took out his fingers and stopped touching my breasts. "I'll see you again, Edwards," bulong niya sa 'kin at naglakad na palabas ng restroom.
Pinakawalan ko ang kanina ko pa pinipigilang pag-iyak nang malakas. Napaupo ako sa malamig na sahig ng restroom. I clutched my uniform as I cried there alone. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.
I felt so weak. Binigyan ko ang sarili ko nang ilang minuto para umiyak bago ako tumayo. Pinakatitigan ko ang sarili ko sa repleksiyon ko sa salamin.
"Th-this will b-be the l-last time you cry, Celaena," I said to myself.
Mas diniinan ko ang pagkakaupo ko. But I know it is useless. Masyado silang marami. Pero nanatili pa rin ako roon. Narinig ko ang paglangitngit ng bintana mula sa kuwarto. And then I saw Blair standing by the doorway, staring at something.
I heard her mutter the word, "Traitor." Kasabay niyon ang marahas na paghampas sa pinto. I was forced to move away from the door. Wala na akong magagawa. In just a matter of seconds, I'll be dead. Just like Stacey.
Lumipas ang ilang segundo at tuluyan na ngang bumagsak pabukas ang pinto. I saw their towering figures standing a few steps away from me.
And I remembered when I was in middle grade, I've always thought of what my death would look like. I even drew some images of what I would want my death to be like. I had imagined it would be underwater, with fishes swarming in my body, guiding me to my final destination. But, tonight was different. Iba pala talaga ang kamatayan kapag nakaharap mo na iyon.
I met their eyes through the slits of their mask. I didn't imagine my death to be like this. And I now realized that death is so final. So certain. For a second there, I wanted to fight for my life. Gusto ko pang mabuhay, sabi ko sa sarili ko. But I knew I was outnumbered. It's useless to fight anymore.
At bumalik ang tingin ko kay Blair. "Run!" I shouted at her. Pero hindi siya gumagalaw. Mataman lang siyang nakatingin sa 'kin na parang hindi ako naririnig. "Fucking run, Blair! Run!"
Narinig ko ang mga papalapit nilang yabag. And then someone grabbed me by the hair and pulled my head to the side, hinahantad ang leeg ko. Sa pagbaon ng tila isang karayom sa aking leeg, naalala ko ang aking mga magulang na naghihintay sa 'kin sa Ellis. Thinking I was still alive. But here I am, one second away to my death. If I'd known that I would end up like this, I should've said my goodbye to them both. I should've hugged them for hours and expressed how much I love them—how I'm so grateful to have had them as my parents. Maybe that would ease their pain in the future kapag nalaman nilang patay na ako. But will they ever know that I'm already dead?
Hindi ko na namalayan ang sunod na nangyari. Hindi ako sigurado kung sumubok pa ba ako manlaban gayong alam kong wala na iyong kuwenta. But as the darkness ebbed my vision, my last thoughts were Blair and Brooke, my best buddies. Naihiling ko na sana ay makaabot sila sa kaduluhan nitong impyernong kinaroroonan namin. At ang huling imahe na sumilay sa isip ko ay ang mukha ni Ryan. His green eyes staring back at me. And that same sinister smile.
"I'll fucking kill you in my next life," I whispered under my breath.