CHAPTER 17: Salt Meets Wound
CELAENA EDWARDS
Nawala ang ngiti ko sa aking labi nang mapabaling ulit ako sa gawi ni Brooke at Kaleon sa labas ng McDonald's. They looked like they were arguing about something serious. Inihilamos ni Kaleon ang kanyang mukha sa palad niya at halatang frustrated siya.
"Ma'am, ito na po ang order n'yo," the cashier said in front of me.
"Thanks," I said without bothering to look at her. Kinuha ko ang paper bag habang nakatingin pa rin sa gawi nila Brooke nang biglang may boses na tumawag sa pangalan ko na nagpatigil sa 'kin.
"Hey, Edwards," a voice called out from behind me.
I felt the familiar rhythm of my heart. Kaba, takot. Naghalo-halo ang naramdaman ko nang mga sandaling iyon. Nahigit ko ang aking hininga at akmang maglalakad na lang para kunwari ay hindi ko siya marinig nang bigla niyang higitin ang kamay ko.
Alam kong si Ryan iyon. I didn't need to look at his face to know that it was Ryan.
He scoffed. "I want you to strip naked. Right now."
Naikuyom ko ang aking mga kamay. Napuno ng galit ang sistema ko. I had never felt this helpless in my life.
"And then what?" I asked him.
Pinihit niya ako paharap sa kanya. "Hindi mo ba ako narinig?" aniya at mas lalong hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak sa braso ko. His nails were digging into my skin it hurts.
Hindi ko magawang tumingin sa kanyang mga mata. "L-let me go…" I stammered.
I realized I was sobbing silently. "Good girl, Edwards."
"P-please, R-Ryan…" I said barely a whisper. "L-let me g-go…"
Mas lalong dumiin ang pagpasok niya sa ibabang parte ng katawan ko gamit ang kanyang mga daliri. I stopped myself from screaming in pain.
"I just wanted to say thank you," aniya at binitawan ang braso ko.
Kahit na alam ko na kung ano ang tinutukoy niya, tinanong ko pa rin. "For what?"
Mabilis kong pinasadahan ng tingin ang mga customer na nakaupo sa loob ng McDonald's. Ang ilan sa kanila ay nakatingin sa gawi namin.
I have to get out of here, I told myself.
"You don't get to be the person of power here, Edwards," he said, his voice dangerous. "Kaya kong i-send 'to sa group chat natin and it will only take a second for me to ruin your precious little life."
"Our dirty little secret," he replied, nonchalantly. "And you taste good, too."
Parang napako ang mga paa ko sa aking kinatatayuan. Gusto kong tumakbo palabas ng lugar na 'to. I don't think I'll be able to bear another second with him.
Sa nanginginig na mga kamay, I began unbuttoning my blouse and my skirt.
"All of it," ani Ryan at nakangising pinapasadahan ng tingin ang katawan ko.
I wanted to run. Gusto kong magpalamon sa lupa. Gusto ko siyang sapakin hanggang sa mabasag ang kanyang bungo. But I know that I won't be able to do that. Masyado siyang malakas kaysa sa 'kin. Masyado siyang malaki.
"Let's meet again after this retreat, okay?" he said, almost a whisper.
Kaswal ang pagkakasabi niya n'on na tila ba iniimbita niya lang akong mag-kape o kumain sa labas. But I know better than that.
Binuksan niya ang phone niya at iniharap ulit iyon sa 'kin. It was the same picture he showed me that day. This time I finally met his eyes. I know he's happy that he gets the power to torture me. His green eyes, glinting with excitement. Gusto kong dukutin iyon sa kanyang eye sockets. Maybe then I wouldn't need to see those eyes again.
Napansin ko ang clean-shaven niyang mukha. He almost looked innocent—the kind of guy you wouldn't think of doing something so horrible to someone. At kakaiba ang ngiti niya—it was a sinister smile. The kind of smile that sends a chill down your spine. At napaisip ako kung nagawa niya na rin ba ang ginawa niya sa akin noong araw na 'yon sa ibang babae? That thought alone made me want to slit his throat. Gusto kong apakan ang inosente niyang mukha. He's a fucking monster! I wanted to say aloud. Ilang babae na ba ang naloko ng mukha niya?
I was about to shout at him when he held his phone in front of my face. Pamilyar ang litrato na iyon. That shut me up.
"Why are you here? Let's talk outside," I said casually, trying to calm myself. Pero mabilis niyang pinigilan ang kamay ko nang akma kong abutin ang seradura.
"Don't forget our deal," he said as he walked past me and went for the door. "I missed you already, Edwards."
Naikuyom ko ang mga kamay ko at nanatili lang na nakatayo roon. I tried to compose and calm myself pero imposible iyon. Patuloy sa panginginig ang mga tuhod ko. Gusto kong sumigaw sa galit, takot at frustration.
Ryan left a mark on me. Ginawa niya akong parang isang manikang pinaglalaruan niya. At alam kong mauuulit ang ginawa niya sa akin sa restroom noong araw na 'yon. It was one of my worst nightmares. With him, I felt helpless. Hindi ako ang Celaena na nakilala ng iba—maangas, lumalaban at higit sa lahat, kayang ipagtanggol ang sarili. But that day, I was a different version of me. A weaker version.
I guess that was the real me. Maybe I was just concealing behind this strong mask in front of everyone. Every single day of my life. I watched his retreating figure walking out of the door.
Pinigilan ko ang pagbabadyang bumagsak ng mga luha ko. I made a promise to myself that day.
"Th-this will b-be the l-last time you cry, Celaena," I said to myself.
And I don't intent to break it. The sound of the door chime brought me back to my senses.
Napakislot ako nang may humawak sa balikat ko. Nang magtaas ako ng tingin, si Brooke iyon. "Okay ka lang?" malamyos ang tinig niya.
I forced myself to smile. "Y-yeah, I'm okay," I replied. "Let's go?"
And just like that, I was back to the other version of myself—the stronger one, this time.