CHAPTER 11: Anywhere But Here
BLAIR WADSON
Ano ba ang sunod na mangyayari kapag may natagpuang nakahandusay na katawan sa loob ng isang school? First is the ambulance. Next is the police. And then the paramedics taking the body.
I felt someone pulled me up from the ground but my eyes were glued to Sabrina's still opened eyes, staring back at me. Gusto kong lumapit sa kanya pero masyadong malakas ang mga kamay na humihila sa 'kin palayo. And then Celaena stood in front of me. She was saying something but I couldn't make out the words coming out of her mouth. I blinked, hoping everything I'd just seen was just nothing but a dream. A day dream, perhaps.
Then an ambulance siren blared from outside the gates. The only thing I remembered were the paramedic team carrying the lifeless body of Sabrina. Pero ang mga mata niya ay nakatingin pa rin sa 'kin.
Napunta ang tingin ko sa matandang babae na nakatayo lang, nasa likod niya ang ibang mga miyembro ng faculty. There was no sadness in Mrs Chua's eyes. Emotionless ang kanyang mukha habang sinusundan ng tingin ang stretcher kung saan naroon ang patay na katawan ng isang babaeng estudyante.
Narinig ko ang mga bulungan ng mga estudyanteng dumaan malapit sa puwesto namin.
"I didn't know that girl was suicidal."
"She should've sought out for a professional help."
"I took a picture of her."
"Post it later on your website!"
They said it so casually like someone just didn't die and they were just done watching some horror flick.
I realized I stopped crying. And then the noise came rushing back. May matinis na tunog na umalingawngaw sa paligid. But when I turned my head to look at the people who was pulling me, it was Sir Denver, John and Celaena. Parang hindi nila naririnig ang nakabibinging tunog na bumabalot sa tainga ko.
Ilang segundo ang itinagal niyon when suddenly, the screechy sound finally stopped.
"Everything's going to be fine, Blair," narinig kong sabi ni Celaena.
Naramdaman ko ang pagtaklob ni John ng blanket sa likod ko. It brought warmth but it didn't ease the pain I was feeling. I felt Celaena's hands gently brushing my back. She put her arms around me. Pumaloob ako sa yakap niya.
I watched as the paramedics and police men swarmed the school grounds. Nang magtaas ako ng tingin, wala nang nakadungaw sa bintana ng fifth floor.
At pinagmasdan ko ang mga teacher na nakatayo malapit sa pinangyarihan ng pagkamatay ni Sabrina. I couldn't help but imagine what they are thinking or feeling at the moment.
Nagsisisi ba sila na namatay ang isa sa mga estudyante nila? Kasi ako, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong hindi isipin na maybe I played a role in Sabrina's death after all. I saw her yesterday looking scared. Why didn't I report it right away to someone? Or to our adviser? It's my duty as their Class President.
And I let someone kill herself on my watch.
*****
One of our classmates killed herself. And everybody just moved on with their lives.
Sabrina Herera—that's her name. The girl who killed herself. Isinulat ko sa isang papel ang mga sinabi niya bago siya… mamatay. She knew something about the New World Order.
I dropped the pen I was holding and rubbed my aching temples. It had been exactly two days since Sabrina died. At nagsisimula na akong lamunin ng konsensya ko. I kept telling myself I could've done something.
I didn't leave my room after I got home that day. And I didn't bother to go to school in the following two days.
Pinag-drive ako ni Celaena pauwi rito sa bahay namin. She told me to text her if I needed someone to talk to. But I didn't dare open my phone after that day. Wala akong gana na makipag-usap kahit kanino.
Nagsimulang mangilid ang luha pababa sa pisngi ko. Mabilis kong pinalis 'yon. Why am I crying? It's not because of the fact that she died on my watch. It's the fact that I could've done something differently. That instead of letting her walk away from me that day of the mass, I could've gone after her. I could've asked her what was wrong or what was bothering her. I guess, it doesn't matter anymore. She's already dead.
I buried my face in my hands.
"I refuse to die in the hands of government!" Sabrina's voice echoed in my head.
Those were her last words. Kung hindi lang siguro ako hinila ni John, I could've taken her knife away from her. That would have prevented her from killing herself. I hate John. I hate him, too.
Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo at pabagsak na humiga sa kama. Impit akong tumili sa unan na yakap ko. Alam kong nag-aalala na si Mama sa 'kin. I heard her calling Celaena a while ago. Hindi ko rin masisisi si Mama. Hindi na ako lumalabas ng kuwarto pagkatapos ng nasaksihan ko. I just can't.
Maybe I want to drown in this sadness I'm currently in right now.
The feeling was familiar—watching someone die. Ganito rin ang naramdaman ko nang mawala si Papa sa amin. It broke me into thousand pieces. But I managed to get up and move on with my life. Maybe my father's death had a part on this, too. Baka na-overwhelm lang ako sa nasaksihan ko dahil nangyari na iyon sa 'kin dati.
I closed my eyes. I felt the hot tears continuously streaming down my cheeks.
And then I heard a soft knock on the door. Mabilis kong pinanunasan ang basa kong pisngi at umayos ng upo.
"Come in," I said, barely a whisper.
The door slowly opened and Celaena came in. Malungkot siyang ngumiti sa 'kin. She sat beside me on my bed.
"Hey, how are you holding up?" bungad niya.
"I think I'm good," I simply replied.
"Liar. Retreat's got postponed. It will happen tomorrow, Blair, sabi ni Sir Denver," pag-iimporma niya sa 'kin.
I didn't try to open my laptop. I can only imagine na tadtad na iyon ng emails galing kay Sir Denver.
Nagkibit-balikat ako. "Good for them," sabi ko. "How's Brooke? May balita ka na ba sa kanya?"
Celaena nodded her head. "Yeah. Pumasok na siya kanina. She said that she wanted to come by your house then na-realize niya na hindi niya pala alam kung saan ka nakatira."
Mahina akong natawa sa sinabi niya. "Is she okay? Bakit daw siya um-absent ng dalawang araw?"
"Yeah, she seemed fine. Except for the dark circles under her eyes. She told me it was because of her family problems. But she didn't get into details, though. I don't think she's ready to open it up to us yet."
Tumango-tango ako. "Did I miss a lot of school works?"
She bit her lower lip before answering. "I want to lie to you, Blair and say that you didn't miss much. But you did," she took my hands and gently squeezed it. "Come back, Blair. We miss you."
I mustered up a small smile. "Papasok na ako bukas. I mean, I need to if I want to graduate, right?" saad ko. "What happened to Sabrina's body?"
Halatang nagulat si Celaena sa tanong ko. But she quickly changed her expression and mustered up an understanding smile. "Ang sabi ni Sir Denver, her parents decided to cremate her body. Nag-misa rin kami no'ng isang araw. You know, for Sabrina's sudden death."
Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. "Thank you for coming, Celaena," sabi ko.
"By the way, do you want to get out of here? Like go somewhere that is not inside your room?" suhestiyon niya. "Pinaalam na kita kay Tita. Kailangan mo ng hangin, Blair."
I stood up and opened the windows. "Don't worry, I'm getting my fair share of oxygen here."
"Oh, come on, girl. Please?" aniya na nag-puppy eyes pa.
I rolled my eyes at her. Celaena always had that charm. Alam kong hindi niya ako titigilan habang hindi ako pumapayag na sumama sa kanya.
"Whatever, Edwards. Magpapalit lang ako ng damit."
Her face scrunched up. "Girl, you clearly need a bath," komento niya.
I smelled my shirt and I realized she was right. I could really use a bath. "Okay, wait outside. I'll be quick."
"Siguraduhin mo," sabi pa niya bago lumabas ng kuwarto ko. "Noah, where are you?" I heard her voice from the hallway and Noah giggling.
Isinara ko ang pinto at pinatong ang aking katawan doon. I heaved a sigh. Celaena always comes at the right moment. She'd always been there when I needed her the most. Nang dumeretso ako sa cabinet para kumuha ng damit, napatda ako sa kinatatayuan ko.
There was a body lying on top of my bed. Napunta ang tingin ko sa kanyang mukha. It was Sabrina. Her opened eyes were staring back at me. Nakakalat ang dugo niya sa kulay puti kong bedsheet. Napansin ko ang naaagnas na niyang pisngi.
Natutop ko ang bibig ko. Nabalot ako ng matinding takot.
And then slowly, a sinister smile curled on her lips. "You could've saved me, Blair," she whispered. "But you didn't. It's your fault I'm dead."
When I blinked, she was gone. And just like that, everything went back to normal. Wala na ang mantsa ng dugo niya sa bedsheet ko.
Maybe I was just imagining it. Sa nanginginig na mga paa, nagawa kong pumasok sa bathroom ng kuwarto ko. I turned on the shower and let the water pour down on me. Even with my clothes on, the water felt cold against my skin.
Napaupo ako sa bathtub. I wasn't sure if I was crying or it was the water coming from the shower.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" paulit-ulit kong bulong.
*****
I kept on reminding myself that it was just a figment of my imagination. Hindi totoong nakita ko ang katawan ni Sabrina sa kama ko. I was just being too paranoid about it.
Pagkatapos kong maligo at magbihis, dumeretso na ako sa baba. Nabungaran ko si Mama at Noah na naghihintay sa 'kin sa paanan ng hagdan. I mustered up a believable smile.
Mahigpit akong niyakap ni Mama at yumakap naman si Noah sa bandang tiyan ko. It felt good to be hugged by them. I suddenly felt safe and protected.
"Celaena already told me. Mag-iingat kayo, ha?" sabi ni Mama, nakapatong ang baba niya sa balikat ko. Hinagod niya ang likod ko bago ako pinakawalan. "Take as much time as you need. May tiwala naman ako kay Celaena."
Tumango ako sa kanya at bahagyang yumukod. Matamis na nakangiti si Noah sa 'kin. Inayos niya ang kanyang antipara bago nagsalita. "Take care of yourself, ate, ha? Don't go home late," aniya. Hindi ko mapigilang hindi mapangiti sa sinabi niya. "Sino pala 'yong isang babaeng kasama ni Ate Celaena?"
Napakunot ang noo ko at bumaling sa labas ng pinto. Nakadungaw sa bintana si Brooke at kumakaway. I waved my hand back at her. Muli kong tiningnan si Noah. I gently pat his cheeks and kissed him on his forehead. "I will. Thank you, Noah," halos pabulong na sabi ko.
Tumayo na ako at nagpaalam na kay Mama. I headed outside.
Brooke went out of the car and gave me a tight hug. "I miss you!" sabi niya. "I'm sorry hindi ako nakapag-send ng message man lang sa inyong dalawa ni Celaena."
"It's okay, ano ka ba. The important thing is, nandito ka na," tugon ko at kumawala sa yakap. I quickly studied her face. Parang nangayayat siya nang husto. Mas humulma ang kanyang cheekbone at napansin ko rin ang dark circles sa ilalim ng kanyang mata. I guess I don't have the right to tell her that she doesn't look well because I myself looked worse than her. Malungkot siyang ngumiti. "I didn't know you're coming."
She rolled her eyes. "Well, I wanted it to be a surprise," aniya, nakangiti.
"Tama na ang chikahan. Anong oras na, mga sissy," narinig kong sabi ni Celaena sa loob ng kotse. "Get in, bitches."
And both of us went inside the car. I occupied the passenger seat, Celaena was our driver and Brooke was in the backseat. Just like when we went to John's birthday party. Huminga ako ng malalim at inirolyo pababa ang bintana ng passenger seat. Hinayaan kong pumasok ang malamig na hangin sa loob ng sasakyan.
"Here we go, girls," ani Celaena at sinimulan nang paandarin ang makina ng kanyang kotse.
"Saan pala tayo pupunta?" tanong ko.
"Well, I have no idea. I guess, iikutin lang natin 'tong isla. How about that? Sounds good?" tugon ni Celaena.
"Sounds good to me," ani Brooke sa likod.
"Just anywhere but here," I simply said.