Friday: 30 April
I'm having a day out with Jillian, we planned on going out for lunch and finally I'm going out.
As I get to town I head to Travis's workplace. That's what I do when I'm around town and not working, it's a way to let my boyfriend know that he can trust me, I'm a good girl.
"Hey babe", I smile as I walk to him. He can't see the smile behind my mask but my eyes says it all.
"Hey", he greets back. When around people he asks all cool as if I'm not making him blush.
"Your friend isn't here yet?", he asks and I nod. Julian is always late. If she was a guy and my boyfriend, we would have broke up by now since I don't go hand in hand with late comers, especially when we're heading somewhere. I don't know why I don't argue with her over this, I'm cool with it since I don't even talk to her about it.
"She's on her way",
We talk some more till Julian calls to let me know that her boyfriend is bringing her to town and he'll also give us a ride to the mall.
...
I'm tired as hell, I haven't even been walking that much but hey, I'm tired.
After a very nice and perfect day with Jullian, she and her boyfriend give me a ride to the taxi rank.
"Thanks a lot you guys", I smile as they drop me off.
"Please be safe", AJ says, the boyfriend.
I keep smiling and wave as they go. As I fix my handbag, bringinh it to the front so I won't be robbed, I look around seeing the family public transportations, taxi's. Duncan is a taxi driver, so it's kinda hard not thinking that he could be here somewhere, and I wouldn't even see him. Not that it means anything to see him but, I don't know, I'd like to know if he's seeing me right now.
Focus Nina, focus, I scold myself as I glance at the same spot I used to find him at.
"Shit", as I cross the street to the other side I see a guy who looks like him. Could it be really him? I'm not so sure since he's not even looking my way, it's like he's avoiding looking my way.
With my chin up I keep walking, there's really nothing I can do. If it was him and he didn't wanna look or talk to me, then my pride won't let me be the one to talk to him.
...
I'm awake trying to figure out if it's really him that I saw earlier, or I was hallucinating and that was just a guy who drives a taxi, all taxi drivers or more or less the same when behind the wheel. Now that I think about it, the way he looked at me it was like he didn't know me, maybe it wasn't him. He would have said something right? He would have called me over. I don't think he would have acted like he did, watching me like I'm just some girl whom he doesn't know or even wanna know. No man, it wasn't him. Right?
And why the hell am I still awake at this hour? After a heated sex session still thinking about that one guy that I shouldn't be thinking about. But, why the hell is he in my brains? Maybe he's still in my brains cause I think I saw him. Could be he thought I was the one acting somehow, since I dropped off a friend's car, maybe he thought it's the guy I'm dating.
Well, fuck it. Maybe I'm messed up and I still can't get over a 5 years relationship that probably means nothing now. Why the fuck am I awake again?
Oh fuck... JP Saxe was right on that song Explain you, when he says "My therapist, called you a learning experience, one-eighty an hour that's all that he mentions, missing you is getting fucking expensive", he's right.
I don't go to any therapist to forget him but, man it costs me. It's costing me tons of hours of sleep. I don't know why all of a sudden he starts consuming my thoughts at this hour but I'm damn sure I don't like it. Makes me think, that's maybe everyone was right when they said Duncan and I had a toxic relationship. Was I really unhappy? Did I cry most days because of him? It's actually what everyone I know says.
Why am I not sleeping?
He's probably asleep and care 0% of what might or might not have happened between us. If he could read my mind right now, he'd think I'm nuts. I probably am.
Right now I have a caring, loving boyfriend who tries by all means to show the love he's got for me and he's right here, naked besides me, but no I'm thinking about this motherfucker who broke my heart. Heated sex, a few minutes ago, but I'm still stuck on whether that was Duncan I saw earlier or not. I didn't even enjoy the sex the way I wanted to because of my malfunctioning brain. Travis does by all means to love me, he gives it all and I'm just an unappreciative pussy who doesn't see the good in what he does. I'm busy wondering what the shit head of an ex is up to. Like he'd care what I'm thinking. I'm such a fool, a shit head.
I love Travis, or I think I do. Not even a billion Rands wound get me back with Duncan, okay, billion Rands is a lot but anyway, if I get back with him it'd be for the money. My whole point is, I'm fine with Travis, or maybe I wanna level up so bad and live the life I've always wanted to live so it'll make thinking of Duncan useless. I don't know, I've always assured myself that us being apart is what's best-,
You know what? Fuck this! Fuck this shit, it's nonsense. It's the kind of bullshit I don't need. I shouldnt even be wasting my breath on it. But if it was really him I saw, if it was really him and he did act like he doesn't know me, then I'll take it that he really doesn't what anything to do with me. And all my life with him meant nothing.
I'm tossing and turning in bed, I don't know how to erase Duncan from my mind.
I turn to Travis and he's fast asleep, something I should have been doing too but I can't. I really can't and it's driving me crazy.
I've never had sleepless nights when I was still with Duncan.
Before I know it it's morning. I don't know how I ended up sleeping.
"Hey, wake up", Travis shakes my arm.
"Yeah I'm up", I lift my head.
"I've fixed you a bath so-", he gestures to the direction of my bath.
My whole body is tired, like always. I didn't even do much but damn, I don't feel like going aby where with how my body feels.
I slide out of bed and go take my bath. After I dress up the way work wants and wait as Travis finish dressing. After all that we head to the bus stop, time for work.
...
When I get to work I'm exhausted and I don't feel like talking to anybody. I haven't even seen Nolan in a while, maybe seeing him was gonna make me feel good. He reminds a little of Duncan. Duncan was the only excitement that made me wake up every morning and come to work. Nolan is somewhere along those lines, he doesn't give me the excitement Duncan used to but I know once I'm at work he'd notice me, he'll push the exhaustion aside and all I want is for him to chase me around saying, "Hey, you look beautiful", in his low volume soft voice. Well, maybe Nolan is getting tied of me too.
"You okay?", Wendy asks as we stand by the jewelery glass cabinet watching customers.
"Yeah", I nod. I'm not okay, but if I don't agree that I am then I'll have to explain what's wrong, and I don't know what's wrong. Gosh.
"You sure? Didn't you get some last night?",
She's referring to sex. Wendy and sex go hand in hand, for most days. She has her no sex days but they're not like mine. I'm always on my no sex days recently.
"I did", I smile. But if I had to explain how was it, I wouldn't even know how to. Gosh, my mind is all over. I can't deal.
"Ohh, I also did", she giggles. She starts talking about how it's all went down. She's excited about it and all but I got lost when she was telling me who picked her up. I like listening to Wendy but not today, I've got a lot in my mind and it's driving me crazy. All I'm thinking about is to call Duncan but at the same time I'm not willing to. Duncan doesn't once think of calling me, and I know if I call him, it wouldn't be fair to me, Travis or him. I don't wanna seem desperate, cheat, or an attention slut. That shouldn't be me. Maybe I should go home.
"Hello?", Wendy waves her hand to my face, pulling me out of my thoughts. "You're not okay",
"I'm just stressed, sorry",
"What's wrong?", she asks, shes worried.
"Money", I shrug my shoulders. I'm not gonna say boys, stressing about money is something everyone goes through, especially here at work.
"I'll take care of you babe",
Easy for her to say. She's got two boyfriends who loves her and would do anything for her. They both give her the amount of money she wants so yeah, she can definitely take care of me.
I nod with a smile. "You'll buy my favorite chocolate?",
"Yes", she chuckles.
A customer comes and disturbs us. I moved from the jewelery department and head to another spot to hide. I can't deal with customers today, I'm not in the mood.
...
After work I dragged my feet to the bus terminals. I'm still exhausted, but at least I feel better now that I'm out of the hell hole I call work. Should I wait for Travis? Yeah.
Wendy is all over the shops buying all that she'll need to cook a Sunday meal. I don't cook, I never even try.
As I get to the terminals Travis calls.
"Yeah?",
"You're waiting?", he asks. Of course I am, if I wasn't he'd wanna know why.
"Yes", I reply. He's my boyfriend, the one I should be focused on right now.
"Cool,we almost done here", he says and I nod, "Cool",
I sit on the bench and play a game on my phone as I wait.
"Hey", I look up to see Mike with a huge smile on his face. "Good to see you",
"HI", I smile back. Mike is some guy I got to meet here at this same terminals. I gave him my numbers and we chat everyday even though Travis asked me nicely not to be all chatty with him. Travis says that Mike is interested in me and would do anything to try and win my heart. As the person that I am I said "I can handle myself, you need to trust me",
Travis is right. Mike is romantically interested in me, but I'm ignoring it.
"You'll take the next bus?", Mike asks.
"Yeah, I'm waiting for my boyfriend", I say.
"Oh, okay", he nods. "I'll text you then",
I smile. "Alright",
Texting works for me. It's easier to avoid or twist a conversation rather than for that person to actually hear that I'm avoiding what he's saying, or asking.
I don't know why I like attention so much, I don't know why I keep up with it. I've always been like this and I feel I can't change it. Or maybe I don't wanna change it?