Thursday : 15 July
I'm still on a none reasonable break with my sweet boyfriend. I guess I must be childish, I'm a stupid grown ass woman.
Flashback
A few days ago as I walk out of work while on my lunch break to the food truck for, I pulled out my phone to call Julian since I'm stressed. Julian is more like my rock, she's the one I cry to when going through something, and for some reason I always take what she says into consideration.
As I dial her numbers I feel my body shake.
"Hey Lover", she answers right away.
"I can't do it anymore", I whisper, feeling a bit tired from stressing over the whole thing.
"What's wrong? What happened?", Julian asks in concern.
"I think maybe I moved on too quickly", I state. "I didn't give myself time to heal, to get fully over my ex", Duncan always said after we break up, we should stay single for a year atleast, to get over one another. And for some reason I always listened to him. Some things that I don't, which he mentioned I shouldn't do, I feel like I'm betraying him. Doing what Duncan doesn't like hurts me sometimes. But, most of what I do and what I love is all Duncan has taught me.
"Oh I see",
"Everything Travis says or do just makes me mad", I breathe. I feel like I'm cheating on Duncan. "Sometimes I know it isn't his fault but I'd get mad, even his presence irritates me",
"What, you don't feel you love him?",
Honestly I don't think I ever did. Or maybe this whole doubting and hurt messes with my mind as much as it messes with my emotions.
"I don't know anymore. His one of those guys you know, you're in a relationship with, who'd leave you and you wouldn't cry over, you get it?", I ask. Maybe it's because I once told Tasha that I don't wanna date someone I'm in love with. Tasha and I promised one another that we'd never fall in love since falling in love turned us the way we are today. We even said we'd never mention the 'L' word but ended up breaking that promise. When I told Travis that I love him, I'm not sure if I meant it, maybe I said it cause that's what he wanted to hear.
"Yeah I understand", she replies. "But you do know that Travis needs to kkow the truth? When you're in a relationship and giving it your all, atleast you deserve to receive a 100% back",
Julian has been in a relationship where she wasn't loved back or wasn't given the full 100% love she gave out. And without knowing the truth, that really broke her heart. She wasn't willing to give any other guy the time of day because of how she's been fooled. So with her, she wants honesty in a relationship, no matter how hurtful it'll be.
"Yeah", I nod. I totally get what she means.
"He's totally in the dark right now, he probably doesn't understand what's happening and if it was you I'm sure you'd wanna know what's happening right?", she asks. And she's right. As sweet as Travis is, he shouldn't be going through all this. Plus now it's still early, rather than telling him later in our relationship.
"I understand what you're saying. And I feel Travis doesn't deserve all this. All he's been to me is treat me well so playing with his emotions and making him believe what isn't real isn't fair",
I know how I feel. Love isn't it. So dragging Travis along all this and ending up unhappy at the end isn't the ideal plan. I wanna be happy. And I've seen how my ex treated while I thought that's love. Travis is good to me but I just don't feel entirely how he feels.
"Yeah. So be honest with him and if you have to let him go, then do it. You'd be able to heal",
She's totally right. Now that I've spoke to her and heard all that I wanted to hear from her own mouth, makes me feel better about the decisions I wanna take.
"I feel bad", I cry out. I don't hurt people intentionally. That's just not me.
"It's normal. You're not a bad person, you're good so that's why you'd feel bad",
"Thank you hey. What you've said to me really makes me feel better", I smile.
"I've got your back Lover",
Reality
I woke up with a weird dream, a dream about my ex.
"We back together. We've even managed to surprise everyone close to us about our make up decision, apparently Travis is surprised too since I've dumped him just to get back with Duncan. We at some spot walking, Duncan and I holding hands like we back to being in love as we've forgotten all about what happened between the two of us. It's like Duncan and I are ready to spend the rest of our lives together, weird enough, I'm happy about that", Sounds unbelievable right?
For the first time since Duncan and I broke up, this dream means nothing when I wake up. I don't know how to feel or what to think of it. Getting back with my ex was always what I hoped and longed for. Maybe if I had this dream a month or two ago I would have known what to think or feel. This all could mean that I'm finally moving forward with Duncan right? Maybe he's slowly becoming a memory that means totally nothing, just like the rest of my ex's, right?
I'm sure Travis still doesn't understand why the hell I chose to take a break. When I first told him he didn't take it well. Last time he was ever told about a break, that girl she was with was the last time she saw her, the break she asked for ended up ending their relationship. So he's probably thinking that's what will happen. Duncan and I took a few breaks in our relationship. He always came back to me and I always went back to him too. A break between us wasn't a breakup. We always promised one another that were meant to be, that nothing will ever separate us, that no matter what happens we still find our way back to each other's arms. I guess we were wrong.
My explanation about the break to Travis was just rambling after rambling which didn't make sense. I should told him that I still think of my ex, that I'm not over him. But instead I told him my break has nothing to do with my ex, that I feel stuck. When I think about it, I am stuck. I feel making a decision about anything that has to do with love isn't in my power. I can't get over my ex even though I'd never go back to his arms. I can't be with Travis even though he loves me and treats me well. So yeah, I am stuck, I'm indecisive.
I don't know why I push Travis, he's the best and if I lose that, I'd never find a guy like him ever again.
My phone beeps as I run through my thoughts.
I pick up my phone from the bed and view the message. "Hey", it's a text from Travis. "What's up?", I text back. I throw my phone back on the bed and decide to get up. I walk to the mirror and start pulling hair to wake my curls.
Beep, my phone vibrates. "How are you feeling? How's the flu?", I read Travis text then type back, "All better now. But I just feel lazy", just as I press back, Travis contact signals that he's recording. "You shouldn't be working at all. Your brother and sister are the ones who should be doing all the house chores", from his voice note I notice that he's changed his accent. He's probably trying to be nice since his accent didn't change into anything bad.
"Why did you change your accent? You sound weird", I type. For some reason that irritates me. He types back, "It's probably the record I guess", I frown as I read what he's wrote. Record? What? "You mean recording?", I correct him, something Duncan used to hate. Even I hate being corrected. But truly it gets annoying when someone does it all the time. Travis doesn't say anything when I correct him. Could be he's annoyed by it as well just he doesn't wanna declare it. "I've been trying to speak differently all day", I roll my eyes as I read the message. "Sounds lame", I reply. "It's my grandfather's accent, I miss him", his grandfather died a few years ago and he was the closest to him. "Oh, sounds sad", I write back. I can be mean and rude sometimes. I get back on bed and log into Netflix to continue watching the series Never Have I. "So when are you going back to work?", the message pops on the top of the screen. I'm really into this series and I don't want any disturbance. A "You're disturbing me you know" text will totally sound wrong, it's got all kinds of negative vibes so while I stare at the notification I decide to ignore him. Later, after I've watched several episodes of Never Have I, Travis texts again. "Good night, Sweet dreams",
After ignoring him he still texts, that's annoying. But he's my boyfriend, and I suppose he's playing his part.
Makes me think back on yesterday's bus ride from work, sad enough I was sitting besides Travis.
I was sitting in front of two guys who were having a touchy conversation.
Guy 1:" Dude, you know how evil girls are?",
Guy 2: "Oh yeah man, girls are something else",
Guy 1: "A girl can be in a relationship with you for 5 years without you making her cum when having sex",
I gasp, they're not even talking to me but I find their topic interesting.
Guy 2: "No man, why would the girl stay that long. Girls are quick on moving on",
Guy 1: "Not until they get what they want", the guy laughs. "Plus, you'd have a small dick, fail to make her cum but with the amount of money she gets from you which meets her benefits, then she's rather be with you and your small dick", they both laugh.
Guy 2: "What if she meets a guy that'll make her cum just like she wants but doesn't meet her standards?",
Guy 1: "She'd still settle with you and your small dick, a girl can sacrifice her satisfaction for sex for all the money she wants", they laugh.
Guy 2: "I guess girls are much evil than I thought",
Guy 1 sounded like he's speaking from experience. Travis playfully slapped my thigh as he wanted to make sure that I'm listening to these two guys behind us. I totally acted like I wasn't, even went far as pretending like I'm deep in thoughts.
Why am I still dating Travis?
1. He loves me
2. He cares for me, thinks of me all the time
3. He's too sweet
4. He'd do anything for me
The list goes on and I'm sure that makes me part of those evil girls. I guess I choose security over love.
Love is overrated, it's cruel poison that doesn't even kill you. Who'd choose love? When you fall in love you become vulnerable, weak in a way that anything can kill you. Why would I choose that? Why would I wanna comment suicide with emotions?
I choose everything besides love. I'm not going back to that, I don't wanna love anymore. I've loved my whole life and that basically made me unhappy most of my life. Love hurts, it's the most painful thing ever. But, at some point you fall in to love without planning to, and once in it, it's hard to get out.
Duncan isn't the only guy I fell in love with, but he's the guy I chose to stay in love with. The other guys I fell in love with I chose to leave them. I always ran, and I always pushed what I feared could be the end of me. But when it came to Duncan I fell, I became weak. That's what killed me.