I've decided to be honest with Travis. It actually happened in an unplanned way but I'm glad it happened.
Friday: 16 July
Over Whatsapp
We having a general talk, not the happiest or prettiest conversation but a truly general one.
"I feel like I'm stuck", I send. He's online and I know he'll be quick to answer. "You keep saying that, last time you were here you said something like that", he replies and I feel my heart heavy all of a sudden. "Yeah I know, and remember I said it has nothing to do with my ex, well I lied", I take a sigh as I type, "I can't really forget him, no matter how much I try",
So quickly he replies. "Oh, really now",
Its now or never. This is the only chance I'll get to be honest with Travis, I know I won't be able to face him with all this honesty.
"Does that mean you don't love me?", he asks.
"Sadly I don't. But I do like you a lot and I think you're awesome and great but I feel I'm not being truthful about my feelings to you", I text. This time he takes some time to reply, a few seconds. "Alright. If that's so then I don't know what we doing",
I'm kind of expecting this. "You dumping me?", I ask, just to be sure. Though I feel it in my gut that's this whole relationship is over.
"What's a relationship without love?", he text. "Trust is way important than love", I reply. "To think that I was gonna introduce you to my family, what was I gonna tell them now?",
What? He was gonna introduce me? Officially? I don't believe it. Maybe I'm rushing on letting this relationship go. Me being stuck because of my ex could be that I'm in denial to move on, to forget about him.
"When were you gonna introduce me?", I ask and wait while I watch his contact signaling that he's typing.
"Tomorrow, I was gonna call to let you know. I figured since my dad is around he might as well meet you",
I could be messing up my future for something I'm not even sure about. When Duncan and I got together I wasn't in love with him, I got to fall deeply as time went by. The fact that I like Travis and I can stand him, the fact that I care for him very much, could make a difference later. I think. But I've never been wrong about this.
"I don't know, people break up", my chest closes up and tears start falling. Good thing we texting cause now he doesn't see me cry. "I know. But I'm not the guy that keeps introducing girls. I respect myself and my family so that I don't believe in. When I make a decision of introducing you it's because I'm so sure that you're the one I wanna be with always, I wasn't looking to just pass by, I was here to stay",
He's right. That's my whole deal too. I don't wanna keep changing men and with my parents they always wanna know who I go out with. This whole thing of a new relationship it's not for me. Right now I'm looking to focus on me, to be single for a while and see what more I learn about myself. I wanna love me way harder than anyone could love me. But I can't still do all that with Travis by my side right?
Tears keep falling from my eyes. There's so much I'm thinking about, all that's ever happened to me flashes back and puts me in a spot where I don't even know what I want. Do I wanna be with Travis? Will I ever love him? Is it okay if I remove myself from this relationship? What if I'm wrong? What's right?
We text back and forth till Travis tells me that maybe my ex boyfriend got tired of my attitudes, and I'm here grieving losing him while he's happy where ever he is. I wanted to tell him how wrong he is. Duncan loved me with all my moods. Duncan always said to me that each and every man in his world are with their own type of crazy girl, he said men fall in love knowing how crazy a girl gets.
But hearing Travis say all that sounded pretty harsh and damn-right hurtful. I can't deny how so right he sounds. Could be Duncan really got tired. He once said that I tend to get too much, maybe he got fed up and just couldn't be with me anymore. So why the hell do I even keep up with this torture, it's ridiculous.
"How the hell do I move on?", I text Travis. I want to move on but somewhere somehow something blocks me. He cheated and dumbed me but here I am, messing up the best thing Travis gives out to me for something so stupid. "The guy is everywhere I look, he's in my room, everywhere. There isn't anything I haven't done with him. We've shared so much and moving on from that sounds easy but trust me, it's damn hard", I press send before he even replies the how do I move on question.
"So whenever I'm with you, you still think of him? I thought my presence, my love, will help you move on", he replies. Maybe I've offended him. I shouldn't be thinking of Duncan while with Travis, that I do know. It's totally wrong of me.
Instead of being apologetic, I start arguing with him. I'm selfish, I know that. I'm stubborn, I know that. And I'm always defensive over myself.
I know the kind of mistake I've made but arguing with Travis isn't necessarily. Travis is the sweetest, but that doesn't automatically make me love him. My heart still belongs to Duncan, and I'd rather be alone than fact a happy relationship with Travis. But what if I'm wrong?
After ending the hurtful conversation with Travis, I switch off the light and video call Kusam.
"I can't see you, where you at", he says right after picking up.
"I don't want you to see me", my voice gives me away. There's no way that I sound any different than any girl who's been crying and who's still crying.
"OH, what's wrong? Let me see you",
I switch on the light and he gasps. "Are you crying? Why are you crying?",
"Travis and I broke up", I cry.
"OH", he coos. "But why?
I start telling Kusaam everything Travis and I have discussed. "You need to talk to him, explain to him whats happening",
"I did", I cry. "I messed up, I've really messed up hey",
Kusaam is confused, his face is just something I can't read other than confusion.
"Look", he says. "Dry those tears and call him, he'll definitely forgive you",
He's confusing me. He always wanted me to break up with him claiming he's jealous just thinking about us.
"Didn't you want me to break up with him", I cry.
"All I want is for you to be happy, and if he makes you happy then you shouldn't break up with him", he says. Kusaam means the world to me. I've never met him but he occupies a special part in my life and I know what he says and does for me is from a good part of him.
...
The following day I wake up regretting the whole thing. Being honest was the best thing to do but losing Travis isn't what I'm willing to go through. Telling Travis that I'm not in love with him was pretty idiotic and somehow rude. I thought being honest is easy, but nah.
Just after talking to Travis last night, I cried my eyes out. I cried so bad, it felt way horrible than when Duncan left. Or maybe I'm exaggerating.
I have to talk Travis into working things out with me.
I pick up my phone and call him. We talk, him asking how we'll make this thing work if I don't love him and me telling him that I'll learn to love him. I don't know. Do I really not love him?
Travis loves for real so convincing him that our relationship will work isn't hard at all. He sees good in everything he loves. He didn't make my apology difficult, and I'm glad he didn't. If this was the old me I'd think it's a red flag, a no love sign, but here I am, appreciating it.
The day goes by and he doesn't actually says he forgives me, but I know he does.
6:30pm, I'm watching a series on Netflix called Atypical. I've been watching it since last night but with all this I can't seem to finish it. I started watching season 1 of Atypical and now I'm on season 3ans there's season 4 to come.
I've also been chatting with Travis on Whatsapp all day, an on and off thing since he's working.
"I demand for you to forgive me", I text him. I know he won't take it wrongly since we on good terms now. "Demand?", he doesn't sound shocked at all. "Yes, though you have to forgive me today, it'll take 3 days for me to forgive you", I joke. The line becomes quiet for a while as I wait anxiously. Within mins he types. "Okay".
That's all. That's really all he can say?
"Okay?", I'm expecting a fight. I'm thinking maybe he'll call me and we'd argue. Something I used to go through in my past relationships. But then my ex Teo wasn't much of a fighter. "No arguing?", I ask.
"No", he texts back. I reply asking "Why", and he replies saying "I know how you are",
I know what he means by this. He definitely doesn't mean it in a bad way, he just means since he gives me basically all that I want, he's not about to deny me whatever I want now. Which brings me back to thinking about most of my ex's. I have never been denied much by the guys I used to love. I've never really sticked around with the ones who didn't take my happiness seriously.
My phone peeps bringing my head back to the conversation I'm having with Travis.
"Well, we need to run this relationship in on a new slate", he sends. "I've came up with rules", he adds.
"Alright, I'm all ears", I wait for him to type, my leg is shaking as I wait. "Rule 1: No more talking about your ex, it's not nice and I seriously don't have to hear about it", the first rule. Now that I've accepted that Duncan won't ever come back, and the fact that he might not be thinking about me in a slightest. "Rule 2: No more moods", no more moods? That's impossible. "What do you mean? I'm a girl, I'm supposed to have moods", I reply. "I know that. The only moods I'll accept is the ones you get before your periods or when you're on periods", he sends. Period moods huh?
He's totally right. I need all these changes if I'm willing to work out my relationship with him. All the past attitudea that I'm holding on to, has to be dropped off. I don't need the attitude I have right now. I need to focus on Travis and see if some kind of romance between us can burn brightly. He deserves better, so I'm gonna start being better.