Dear diary
12 June
It's a year now. I still think of you and it makes me wonder if you think of me. I've been listening to a song called Heartbreak Anniversary and it makes me think even further, whether how it'll be if we come together and celebrate breaking each other's hearts, if that would actually make sense to anyone.
But boy oh boy, I do long for the day I stop missing you, for the day I'd wake up and find your memories meaningless. But one day is one day right? You'll be a mere thought in no time. Happy Heartbreak Anniversary.
Mmmhh, sigh.
We argued last night, Travis and I, lately we argue a lot. But when it comes to Travis, he says I love you in all our arguments.
Flashback to argument with Travis: Friday 11 June
"What is wrong with you", Travis asks. He's standing right before me staring deep into my eyes. "Lately you someone I don't understand", his eyes are filled with concern, I can see how badly my attitude worries him.
"Nothing is wrong", I reply quickly. "Why would there be something wrong?", I look away. I'm just afraid I have no valid reason for what could be wrong with me.
"Yes there is, you've changed so suddenly in the past few days. Is it because your boyfriend left you during this time?",
Oh and he hits straight to it, I roll my eyes. I do regret all the info I told him about Duncan, now I feel he's using it all on me.
"Ah", I gasp. "How dare you say that?", I fold my arms in irritation.
"I'm only asking", he rises his hands in surrender.
"What does that have to do with anything?", I'm frustrated, how could he?
"I knew you'd say something like that", he looks away. "Some man at work approached me and asked me something", he says and I only stare at him. "He asked if I had a girlfriend", he continues.
"And I suppose you said yes?",
Unpleased with my reaction, he continues. "Yes, and with confidence", he takes a deep breath in as I chuckle.
"Surely you did", I reply.
"He asked if I think my girlfriend loves me and I nodded saying I believe so",
"But it seems like you doubting it", it's meant to come out as a question.
"Probably because of your attitude", he says. That really hurts. I didn't think he'd ever have doubts about me but what the hell do I expect if I'm always cruel and rude towards him.
"It's not wrong to love you one day and not love you the next day", I don't know if it makes sense, cause clearly it doesn't to me and sadly it's coming out of my own mouth.
"Well", he starts, the pauses to take a breath. I seem to have hit straight to the heart. "I'm sure it's normal with you but with me it's not", he continues.
I look away. I'm trying so hard to focus on my anger but I don't even know what got me so angry.
"Look, even with marriage it's like this. You can't possibly feel love for someone everyday", I say.
"You're wrong", he steps back, creating some space between us as he puts his hands in his pockets. "I love you, I've loved you from the day I first saw you and I certainly love you now", he breathes. "I love you everyday",
He's right. If you truly love someone, there isn't a day that passes without loving them. I don't know if I'm doing what's right, but what the hell have I done to deserve this guy? And why me? Could it be that all he feels for me now would eventually change once he gets tired of me?
"That's a pity", I chuckle. "Must be really hard to feel that way",
"Yeah well, I can't help it", he shakes his head. He looks really disappointed and here I am trying to piss him off even further.
He's the perfect guy standing right in front of me and yet I can't see that. I keep telling him that his feelings would change and he keeps telling me he doesn't wish to change them.
Reality
When I woke up this morning I check my phone but I ain't got any missed call from him and I'm not thinking of calling him either.
11:45PM
I toss and turn and man I feel bad for what happened between Travis and I. I pull out my phone under the pillows and call Travis.
"I can't sleep", I whisper right after he picks up.
"Why's that? Are you okay?", his voice is filled with tiredness, probably from sleep since I woke him up.
"I don't know, maybe because I miss you", or because that I've realised that a day without his affection doesn't make sense.
"Oh", he breathes.
I sigh. "Is that all you'll say?", I ask. I might have pushed him too far. With all my attitude and rudeness, I do feel something for him. He means a lot to me.
"I miss you too",
"You not just saying that, aren't you?", I ask.
"No, not at all", he whispers as he turns in bed.
"Maybe I should go out for a walk since I can't sleep, and let you sleep peacefully", I say. I only want a reaction from him to know if truly I haven't pushed him too far.
"Go out where?", I totally got the reaction I'm looking for. He sounds more awake than ever now. "It's in the middle of the night if you haven't realised",
"Oh", I smile. "I didn't think you still care that much for me",
"Why would you think that?",
"You believe I love you less and perhaps I thought you've changed your feelings towards me", the line becomes quiet for a while then I hear him breathing. I thought he finally got bored and fell back to sleep.
"What did I say to you?", his question is filled with all sorts of seriousness which I choose to ignore.
"I don't remember",
"Did I say I nolonger love you?", he asks.
I shake my head. "Not at all",
"Then why would you think my feelings have changed?",
"I don't know", I voice out. "I thought because of my attitude or moods", I shrug my shoulders.
"I love you and my feelings haven't changed", he says.
"Not even by my moods?",
"Certainly not by your moods", he says softly.
"You mean you love me passed my moods and nothing will change that?", I ask. Surely this must be true love.
Duncan clearly didn't love me beyond anything, nor even beyond the pain I caused him.
"Yes, I love you",
"You not just saying that because you're half awake?", I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"Nope", he says. "I'm fully awake",
I need to pinch myself. What a guy...
"Even if you've asked during the day my answer would have never changed. I love you everyday and I mean it",
I'm certainly the one trying to push Travis away, especially with my sudden angers. I don't know why I hope one day he'll grow tired of me. Maybe it's because I've dreamt and longed for true love so long that when I thought I had it, I was told it was not real. Maybe the fact that my dreams of true love were shattered and destroyed so harshly, it made me resent the true feelings of true love.
Travis is perfect. In every way possible, and I don't deserve him. The way he loves me is so dangerous in such a way that it might shatter what is left of my beliefs for love. If I relax and enjoy his true intentions, I might become the girl I don't wish to be ever again. I've loved before and look where that lend me. If I recepocate his love, and he fails me, wrongs me, I don't know what I'll become. What if I never love again? But gosh I see how much love he's got for me now. And now I know that Travis isn't my ex Duncan, or am I wrong?
...
Heartbreak Anniversary
Saturday: 26 June
I'm really dealing with getting over him, it's not easy and I've you've ever been in love like I have, you'd know what I'm talking about. Or maybe it's just me that's making a big deal out of it.
I woke up in a good mood, not the best mood but a mood that'll look good before everyone around me. It's a flippen Saturday and I'm be dealing with a 9 to 2pm shift. Natasha has been telling me about her new boyfriend that live in my hood, but we haven't had much time to talk deep about it.
When we knocked out of work I called Travis since these days we knock off at the same time. Before the day even started, I phoned Leon to let him know that I wanna have my haircut lowered since I can't deal or control my hair anymore.
As I call Travis, I ask him to accompany me to the salon.
"I'll definitely accompany you if you buy me lunch",
"Alright, I will", I chuckle. Did he think I'll back down?
"OH shit, I forgot", he gasps. "Mum called me to her house as soon as I knock out",
I let it slide, I really wanna fix my hair plus I plan on taking a taxi home, not a bus. So Natasha decides to walk me to the salon since the taxi rank is close by there. Along the way her boyfriend calls, the one from my hood. So the boyfriend is drunk and upset that he broke it off with the girl he was with, the one girl he has 2 kids with. They probably dated longer that we'd ever think. So now Tasha is the only girlfriend he's got. Over the phone he cries asking Tasha to come see him, he wants to be in her arms as he let's go what he had with his baby mama.
Right now Natasha is confused on what to do? She hasn't told her parents that she might not come back home, and she hasn't said goodbye to her little 6 years old boy.
"Do you wanna go see him?", I ask.
"Yeah", she whines. "What should I do?", she cries.
"Since you don't even have an over night bag, why don't you just pass by the shops and buy some toiletries", I shrug my shoulders.
"What about clothes?", she asks.
"You working tomorrow?", I ask.
"No, but you know me, I'll wanna change after taking a bath",
"OH come on", I chuckle. "You're not working tomorrow, you'll take the earliest bath and you'll go home after he leaves for work",
"I'll have to change my underwear",
"Buy underwears then", I look away, then an idea hits me.
"Okay. I got a better idea", I say making her nod with her ears open. "we could take a taxi to your place and get your clothes",
"That'll take forever",
"Got a better idea?", I raise an eyebrow in question.
"No but you know how that actually takes time", she shrugs her shoulders. She's right, it'll take much of our time but why are we in a hurry? She's not working tomorrow even though I am.
"Well, you'll have to make a decision ma'am", I'm crossing my fingers that she says yes, I'm so bored and its a flippen good Saturday.
"Okay, I guess I don't have any choice but to go along with the plan of going to get my clothes", she says making me smile.
"Okay, first I'll have to lower my hair then we go",
Tasha accompaniese to the salon for my haircut, which actually takes a lot of our time. We then take a taxi to her hometown, which I was excited for. Last time I've been to her place was with Duncan. Watching Duncan drive around with passengers was the only way I got to see other places other than my hometown.
When we get to Tasha's place we find that her parents are not home, so she calls them to let them know of her plan. After packing her overnight bag, we head out. Along the way we bump into her mum with her cousin. Her son her brother's daughter run to us with happy faces, screaming out of joy.
"Hello", Luke, Tasha's son says, which a huge smile as he stares at me.
"How are you baby", I greet him back.
The little girl on Luke's side stares at me with a smile.
"Don't tell me you're leaving", frowns the cousin as she questions.
Tasha chuckles then replies, "I'm sorry but I am", I just stand still next to Tasha with a smile on my face.
"Everytime I come visit you, you're always on your way somewhere", Cousin says.
"That's because you don't call", Tasha replies. "Mum this is Nina",
Tasha's mum looks at me with a smile, "Nice to finally meet you dear, even though you guys are already on your way",
I chuckle trying so hard to hide my face. "I'm sorry, I'll come visit properly on one of the good days",
"Alright",
We say our goodbye and rush to take a taxi which will take us to my hometown.