It's happening again.
At at my dark corner, the same one I'm always at whenever I feel like life's got me down.
Is there something wrong with me? I'm being dramatic, isn't it? I just don't know what to think anymore. Maybe this is what broke me up with Duncan... Exactly this. I guess he got tired of my shit and called it quits. Now all I do is blame him for something I drove him into.
Could be it'll all happen again. This bullshit dark corner drama will catch up to Travis and he'll probably get tired too, dump me and all I have to do is shift the blame from Duncan to Travis.
Now I've reach the point where I think it isn't fair to me, or anyone else.
Thursday: 20 May
Dear diary
I wanna punch something, I wanna scream, cry, or go crazy. Julian always says I'm just being hard on myself. Maybe I'm just too weak and I'm capable of hurting myself, maybe I'm upset of being such a loser, maybe Travis is right when he says I come up with all the arguments.
Duncan used to say that I need to talk to someone, a professional, about the way I see things in life. He thought one day I'll commit suicide. Wendy says I got anger issues, I don't even know what I'm angry at. I don't even know where this dark corner shit even comes from. Should I go back to reading the book I took from Ty, 'The seat of my soul'?
Or maybe it's all on me, and I really am angry.
I used to blame Duncan for all the friends I've lost, he made me break up with all my guy friends cause he didn't like them. This whole thing was headed to my girlfriends as well, apparently I couldn't choose proper friends.
Maybe my Duncan is right about the professional I need to talk to after all, could be I'm crazy...
Travis and I ain't talking, I'm mad at him for some reason and he's mad at me for being mad. Actually he's mad at me for having guy friends, issue I'm bound to deal with in every relationship for as long I keep bringing guy friends.
We woke up from his house and took the same bus to work, I'm actually seated right next to him and we not talking.
I decide to text Kusam, he's the one I talk to whenever I feel a bit lost in love or anywhere. He doesn't really advice me much but he does show how much he cares.
As I type a message he senses that I'm not alright and calls, video call.
"Where are you?", he asks right after picking up.
"Headed to work", I reply.
"Oh I see", he nods. "You okay?",
"Nope", I shake my head. "I'll tell you all about it when I get to work",
"Alright", he nods. "You call me when you get there", he adds.
I nod, "Yes I will",
"Love you very much", he says and I nod and hang up.
Travis glances at me and realise that I'm off the call then decides to speak. "Don't ever do that again",
"Do what?", I turn to him.
"Speak to that guy while sitting right next to me", he answers.
I'm thinking why not? I ain't got nothing to hide so why not. "You jealous of a guy who's miles away?", it's not necessary but you know me, my name is probably drama. I shouldn't have answered if I don't agree with what he's saying but I'm here trying to upset him even further.
Travis looks at me, in a warning type of way and immediately I know I've fucked up. But instead I keep my head up, as if his look doesn't hurt me one bit. Then when I realise he's done talking with that silent look it hits me, so I really wanna lose a relationship over bullshit? Get dumped over something that's easy to fix? No, I need to "I'm sorry", I say. Apologizing is what's best right now. "I'm really sorry I don't know what got into me", I add.
"You need to deal with it", he says. "And I mean it when I say don't talk to that guy when with me",
"Yes, I won't",
But, is he really jealose over a guy who's miles away?
He looks at me as if he's trying to see if I'm being sincere. I don't blame the guy if he doesn't trust that, like seriously I act up over this kind of bullshit all the time. Why do I chase over guy friends so much? But anyway, I'm not giving up Kusam for any of this. After he looks at me and decides whether I am sincere or not, he turns back, facing the window and stays that way. I don't know what to do, if I should try making a conversation with him or not, he's my fucken boyfriend but here I am wondering how I should speak to him. I wanna place my head on his shoulder like I always do, but how can I if he's mad at me.
When we get to town we get off the bus and head to our different paths for work, Yeap, he's still upset.
Everytime I get mad or when he gets mad at me, it reminds me of all that happened when I cheated on my ex Duncan.
Flashback to when I cheated on Duncan
I tried to break up with him but it was impossible. Funny thing was, I really wanted to try it out with Siah, he looked like a great successful guy and I really wanted to try date him without hurting Duncan. In my mind I thought Duncan wasn't gonna make a big fuss out of it, but no, he made it hard for us to break up and he could sense that there was someone I'm seeing.
"Duncan we really need to path our ways", I say with the whole Siah idea in my mind.
"What? No. I know I've been hard on you but I can change, if it's space you want then you've got it", he argues. His eyes are begging for me to stay and seeing him like this hurts me so deeply.
"Alright", I nod. Maybe if I get the space I need he'll eventually step back and we'll automatically break up. "But no calling, no texting, I'll let you know once I'm good",
"Can I atleast call you once a day, please", he begs, "I really wanna hear your voice just once",
How can I say no to that? The guy looks awful and I can't dump him like this.
"Alright", I agree.
Our agreement didn't turn out as I thought. Duncan called all the time and sometimes he'd call me while I'm with Siah. It annoyed Siah so most days I'd just let it ring.
One Sunday I went to Siah's place, Duncan called.
"Yeah", I answered.
"I can see that you're no longer interested in me anymore so, I'll give you all the space you want", I'm thinking, finally, I'm getting what I want. But it wasn't the way I wanted.
"So, today I'll come get my things",
"I'm not at home", I reply.
He didn't sound happy at all, he was hurt, but made sure to hide that.
"Well, this is the only chance I'll get",
"It's cool, go to my house, I'll call Kourtney and let him know and he'll let you in to take your stuff, you know where everything is",
"I can't do that, you need to be there", he yells.
"I can't", I hanged up the phone.
It was cruel but I felt I needed to be for him to let me go.
But that isn't the only painful scene he went through. Duncan had me followed, he found out who I'm seeing and he approached me with it. I didn't deny anything and I did tell him that since he's found out so much, then we should definitely break up. He threatened me, threatened to beat up Siah, but I asked what good would that do, instead I'd hate him for it.
Then a few days after, when I thought he was letting all this go since he didn't call anymore, he had a spot in town where he'd wait for me and walk me to work. He was turning into someone I didn't know, becoming some kind of phycho. I spoke to him about it and he told me he's willing to accept being second in my life. He's stepping down from being the only boyfriend and be my side nigga. I felt bad, I didn't know what to do. I never thought this day would come, maybe I had an idea that it'll come but never thought it'd be like this.
I denied Duncan's offer of being second, but he didn't give up.
Then one day he came to my house claiming he's here to see me one last time. He looked horrible, thin as ever, he looked crazy. I wanted this whole thing to be over, yes I was in love with Duncan but I felt being with him after this isn't the best idea ever and I was willing to give it up. Duncan said some awful things that day, he spoke of life and how cruel it is, spoke of how much he loves me and willing to do anything. Spoke of killing himself just to stop how he feel. I really thought he was gonna kill himself, I even asked him to spend the day since I was afraid of what he'd do to himself. I cared for him so much, and that day, I took his offer of making him my side nigga. Duncan only wanted to be with me, but this whole thing was hurting him to the core. He hid it so well though. That day we both cried so much as he reminded me of all we went through and how much we used to love each other.
Then Siah fucked up, eventually. Duncan started to attack him when I was with him in town. He'd block our way and force me to go home with him. He used to ask me what I wanted, if being with Siah is what I want? He gave me a lot of advices of life that wasn't necessary. But I guess he was right.
I broke up with Siah, he didn't understand why and I never planned on giving him any reason. Duncan didn't once leave my side from then, he'd walk me everywhere like he's my bodyguard. I thought he fell deeply in love with me again, cause he'd spend money on me and do everything just to keep me by his side. Then I realise that he's the guy for me and I made a promise to myself that I'll never cheat on him ever again.
Later in our relationship he started to notice that I'm devoted to him, that I'd do anything for him, that's when he changed. He had tantrums, he'd be moody, then every year on June, he'd drift apart from me. I did get why but he didn't admit it till the day we broke up, officially.
Reality.
I know I messed up, pretty bad. And it took us to be officially apart for me to realise how badly I messed up. I fucked up his life, his dreams and his vision of seeing good things out of a relationship. He tried to be with me, that's what I'm making myself believe, but sometimes it just hits me that maybe he wanted me to fall in love with him the way he did with me, and for him to hurt me the way I did him.
Its only logical. Too bad from then I only loved him, I saw Noone beyond him and he never fixed his trust issues with me. The more years we spent together, the less he trusted me and the more I fell in love. I was willing to be or do anything for him. So when he cheated, blaming it all on the fact that what I did still haunts him, I felt bad. I was willing to forgive him and for us to go through all this together, but no. He decided it'll never work. And when I look back on everything, he's right. We've hurt one another so bad and trying to rebuild our relationship would be a disaster.
Letting him go was the hardest thing but it's worth it.