Dear diary
It's finally closing up.
All that I felt for my ex is finally fading.
I'm done dancing to his tune. Whatever he thinks or whatever he's trying to do is not my problem anymore. I don't give a shit what he thinks about me. I'm done giving a shit over what he thinks.
I can finally get him out of my head.
Thing is, I don't want him coming back and doing all what he's done to me.
No, not anymore.
Midnight
Friday: 8 October
"Dimpled smile", that's what triggers everything inside me. Just one look at his cheeks as his lips stretches to reach his ears, I can't help but relax to the love feeling that radiates from his smile. He's got a beautiful smile, seems contagious cause when he smiles, I smile too.
There's a lot that comes with that smile.
When he speaks, his gentle voice ignites the excitement within me. His words stay gentle and he makes sure to make me laugh even when laughing isn't my plan.
That dimpled smile of yours is more like a drug. It kills me most nights but wakes me up every morning with painful cheekbones from all the smiling. When I'm sad I think of his smile. When excited, it's still it. And on my moody days, it heals me. I'm in love with him and his dimpled smile.
01:16 AM
Dear dairy
I don't ever wanna fall in love the way I did with my ex. I don't ever wanna go through what I went through with him. He's hurt me so much, but made me so happy at the same time. The love I have for him is real, I love that guy with all of me.
I might not feel as strongly as I did right now, but my love for him is still here.
When he ended our relationship he really broke me. He torn my heart apart. That's basically what I don't wanna go through. I don't ever wanna love like that again.
Still hurts whenever I think about him and I miss him on each day that passes.
...
8:00 PM
I'm moody as hell. I get this moody whenever I'm close to my periods. It actually makes me miss my boyfriend, makes me wanna be moody in his arms.
Anything ticks me off when feeling like this. Anything stresses me out too.
While sitting on the couch with the tv on, I grab my phone and call Travis.
"Have you ever compared me to anyone?", I ask him at of the blue. I didn't even say hi or anything. In my mind I'm thinking maybe he's compared me with one of his ex's like I usually compare him to mine.
"Em, what?", he sounds confused but I know he heard what I'm asking.
"Have you?",
"No", he replies. "Even if I wanted to I can't. I've never met anyone like you. I've never met anyone who's stubborn as much as you are",
I blush. It's not the perfect answer but it's one I wasn't expecting.
Travis is the sweetest guy I know. He likes to stand his ground on everything but I've figured he's slowly warming up to me. Like, when I ask for something he can't or doesn't wanna do, he says no. But later does it.
Travis and I are official. I'm able to call him my boyfriend now.
...
Saturday: 10 October
This view, when I'm facing him like this, it amazes me. There isn't any colour that doesn't suit him. His light skin tone matches every colour that he wears.
He's handsome. I don't wanna get tired of watching his face like this.
Gosh, when catching me staring, the look he gives me, that's it. Its final, I love him.
...
He's sitting on a single couch facing me with a open laptop on his lap. He keeps glancing at me as he tries to get me to choose a movie to watch but I ignore him as I script down this moment. The sitting room we in is dark, the only light we have on is the one from his laptop and the one from my phone.
My fingers are running wild on my phone's keyboard. He probably thinks I'm on WhatsApp but he's way better than the company I'd get there.
He finally chooses a movie. I didn't get the title but I know it's a romantic one.
He gets up from his couch with the laptop in hand, then place it on the table for the both of us to see. He walks back but not to his couch, heads straight at me.
I'm laying on my couch so he stands looking down at me.
"Let me sit", he motions for me to get up so he'll sit behind me. I lift my torso, letting him sit then get myself comfortable in a laying position between his legs with my head on his chest.
"Its a romantic comedy", he says and I look up at him without moving my head from his chest. He stares back at me. I can't really make out his face fully but I know he's smiling.
"It looks boring", I say.
"No, it's not", he replies.
"Looks predictable. I can tell you what basically happens on this movie",
He sighs. "Okay, tell me",
"The girl doesn't like pets but will fall in love with that puppy. That puppy will teach her how to love and she's fall in love with that man", I point at the cute guy who fills the laptop's screen.
"Fine. I'll pick another", he tries to get up but I push him down.
"No, leave it", I say and we keep watching.
My mind suddenly runs wild. I know Travis has his personal things and doesn't like sharing much about his life or history. But I'd like to know what happened to his ex.
"Babe", I whisper loud enough for him to hear.
"Mmmh?",
"What happened to your ex?", I ask.
"What do you mean?", he asks. He knows exactly what I mean but anyway.
"I mean, what broke you guys up?",
"I'll tell you later",
I can tell he doesn't wanna talk about it, so I change the topic.
"So, I was thinking", I start.
"Mmh", he nods.
"There's a friend of mine from work that I'm planning to go out with to the movies",
He doesn't say anything. His eyes are on the screen as if he's enjoying the movie.
"Its just gonna be me, her and her male friend. The three of us", I continue but he still doesn't say anything.
"Hey", I poke him then get up and sit, facing him.
If it were my ex-boyfriend, he would have told me in every language no. We'd be arguing about it right now.
"Look-", he starts hinting on all the facts of how he actually rolls in a relationship. We exchange a little pointers up to the part were he actually grabs my full attention.
"Nina, listen", he says. "I'm gonna tell you something", his face is too serious for my liking, not even his dimples are visible.
"Will I like it?", I ask.
"I don't think so", he shakes his head no.
"Oh, oh", I sigh.
He chuckles. "You know the way I love you, is so deep in such a way that my jealousy sometimes takes full control. But keep this is mind, I'll never get to a point where I lay my hand on you. I'd rather walk out",
He's actually once warned me about this. But at first he said he can love me till the point where his jealousy takes control. He said I'm all his and he won't tolerate sharing me with anybody. Too bad he doesn't see it's all vise-versa.
"Yeah I know",
From the laying position, I now twist my body, sitting up with my legs on each side of his lap and my hands on his chest.
He starts smiling the smile I know. That one that says kiss me now.
His hands move to my waist and he pulls me gently forward. "Kiss me", he whispers.
I shake my head, "no, I don't want to",
Within seconds he tricks me into kissing him.
Nice. Soft, slow, his lips on my lips are the best thing ever.
He sucks on my bottom lips so gently and smoothly. My hands move up to his cheeks as I fall deeper to our kiss.
Pulling out of the kiss, I bite my bottom lip with a smile. "You tricked me",
"Mmmh, I know",
We sit in this position for a while, as we stare in each other's eyes. I cant help but capture every feature of his face. He just stares back.
He pulls me in for another kiss and I actually go along with it.
After a while he checks the time.
"We should go", he says. "Its almost midnight",
I nod.
I get off him and fix myself up, getting ready to go.
He leads me to his car and drives me home.
We're parked outside my house. The light from inside the living room is still on, so I'm guessing one is still awake, I'm just hoping its Kourtney.
"You know that I love you right?", I ask. I know that he knows but I just wanted him to hear me say it.
"Oh yeah? Do you?", he asks. Its sounds like a playful question so I relax.
I look back at my house, light still on.
It's a full house. My mum's sisters are here. They actually came to surprise my mum since it was her birthday. Her birthday was on the 30th of September. Was a small surprise but atleast mum's happy.
"I love you", I whisper to him as we stare in each other's eyes.
"Now I know", he replies, then looks away in a shy way.
I get out of the car and he waits for me to let him know that I'm inside. I wanted to sleep over at his house. I love being in his arms and listening to his breathing as he sleeps. His breathing is actually what tells me whether he's asleep or not. He loves sleeping with me too, I mean, sharing the same bed. He told me himself. He even said he'll move from his mum's place to his place here in the 'A' section just to be closer to me.
We even talked about a sleep over schedule. Sweet conversation. I want us to do all the things we talked about while I was laying on his chest earlier. I'm not doubting on being with this guy anymore. I wanna be with him, I love this guy. Might not be in an I love you so much kinda way but I do love him.
...
Sunday: 11 October
I'm still awake.
22:52 PM.
I guess I got too excited last night. It must be it right?
I woke up to his call this morning.
Flashback to 5:15 in the morning
"Hello?", I answer.
I usually wake up in 15mins but anyway, was about to wake up either way.
"Morning beautiful", he sounds awake. "How was your night?",
"Alright hey", I get up from bed and start opening my wardrobe.
"I'm gonna use my car to go to work today, so don't take the bus, I'll be there to pick you up", he says.
Excitement just wash over me. It's over the fact that I'll get to see him this morning.
"Okay", I smile. "Let me know when you get here",
Back to reality
Was a safe journey to work, I even got there in time.
When I got back from work, since I knock off earlier than Travis, I call him.
"My tiny little person", he answers after a few rings.
"Tiny little person? Really?", he laughs.
"You still at work?", I ask.
"Yes, but we about to knock out now", he replies.
"Alright, call we when you get home then",
"Cool, I'll be there to see you later okay",
My heart starts jumping over the fact that I'll see him. "Alright", I reply, blushing pretty badly then hang up.
Well, sadly hours rolled and it sank in that he ain't coming. Funny thing is, things tend to get me where I am emotionally whenever I get this excited. This excitement puts me in a teary sleep. Too bad I ain't got tears left anymore, I've wasted all my tears over my ex.
I've been calling Travis from 20:03 PM. On 20:23 PM, still went to voicemail. 21:12 PM, well, no answer. 21:50 PM, still, went straight to voicemail. My last call was on 22:34 PM, that's when I calm myself down and kept myself from making another stupid call.
I'm just worried about him. A lot happens out in this world so I hope he's alright. I hope he's safe and his family is safe. As for anything else, he can shove it up his ass. I'm not in any mood for any fucken excuse.
But I'm guessing what his excuse will be.
I was so tired and fell asleep on the couch, my phone was charging and I didn't hear it, its been on silence ever since from work, bluh bluh bluh... I don't even know why I'm still awake waiting for his call.
OH MY GOSH... What if he never really broke up with his ex? What if she's visiting him and has her head on his chest right this moment? What if I'm just another girl and he's passing by?
My mind runs wild over the possible reasons for him not picking up his phone.
Gosh, I don't know what I'll do if all this is a fucken joke. It'll crush me, beyond what my ex did.
And damn if he dares with my phone was on charger shit, or I forgot it with a friend, I swear I won't take it. I'm upset right now and will sleep in this state, though I can't fully be upset now that I don't know if he's alright or not.
He better be okay.