I'm still fuming about the time I've wasted waiting for Travis. And to top it all off, he think he's got a valid reason for it which I have to understand. I got things to do too, he's not the only one with a family.
"No man, I don't feel like it",
Travis gave his phone to his best friend Sarki since he insisted on wanting to talk to me. I guess he thinks he's got some ways to calm a girl from anger.
"Please, I saw your reaction last night and I'm sure you wanna talk and laugh about it all night. Come on Whitey", he begs.
I'm easy when it comes to Travis, and right now I still wanna see him. "Fine, alright", I say out of defeat. "But I'm sick of you guys getting what you want whenever you want",
"We apologize, seriously", Sarki replies. "Travis drive man", he says to Travis. "He'll call you when we close alright?",
"Matter of fact, I'm by the carwash so we close", Travis says.
"Fine", I mumble as I get up and change my pyjamas to a proper outfit. Not the one I had on earlier though. I toss my phone on the bed and put on my black tank top with the queen chess piece on the chest. It's the tshirt Duncan and I had made. His has a king chess piece on the chest. The day we bought them we later went out dressed in them for a movie. He used to take me out alot, that's for sure.
I paired my tank top with black track pants that have white line on the sides. Once I'm done, my phone rings.
"Yeah, I'm coming", firstly I rush to the bathroom then head out. He's parked a house away so I walk my way to him. As I get closer, Sarki climbs out of the front seat leaving the door open for me.
"Hello", I greet just after occupying my seat.
"Whitey, you good?", Sarki asks.
"I'm sleepy and pissed, as you can see", I reply. Travis chuckles, clearly amused by my pissed state.
He drives us back to Old Complex to only find that they're not done with the chicken-dust he ordered. He gets out of the car leaving Sarki and I alone. As we about to have a chat, Sarki sees an old friend of his so he gets out to have a chat with him. That actually leaves me waiting alone in the car. Yet again, I'm still waiting. Within a few minutes I spot Travis headed his way to me, but the Sarki pulls him to greet the friend he's chatting with. I get to watch them. My eyes are focused on Travis. He's tall. Not too skinny but the type that'll have a sixpack if he wants to. How he speaks to people really amazes me. Ans I'm starting to see why Sarki chose him as a friend.
Well, after all that, after he's apologized and I've laughed last night's event with Sarki, Travis and I head to his Gran's.
"What you did today was totally unacceptable",
I'm standing between his legs as he sits on the edge of his bed with his hands around my waist.
"I know, I'm so sorry", he says.
"You know, I'm tired",
"What's that supposed to mean?", he asks.
"I'm tired of all this. You having to have way important things to do and me having to be last on your list. I'm tired of waiting. I'm exhausted",
He stares me straight in the eyes and I'm dead serious. "I feel like we always gonna be like this",
"But I'm trying-",
"And failing, clearly you can see that", I nod. "I don't think we can handle this relationship",
"Yes we can",
"We failing. I'll keep getting mad at things like this and you don't have any option but to keep me last on your list",
"You're not last", he pulls me closer and place his hands on each of side of my face.
"You only got time for me when your family finally sleeps. Once they're awake you've got to focus on that. And I'm not trying to change that",
"I know, I'm sorry. I'm actually fixing that. I wanna move here so we'll spend more time together", he says.
"What about your child? I can't do that to your child. He needs you more than I do",
"So what you saying?", he stares me into my eyes and I dare not to blink.
"Let's just stop this relationship-",
"No, we can do this", he begs.
"No we can't", I argue.
"Is that what you want?",
"Its what's best for us", I reply. That's actually how my ex dumped me. Truth is, I don't wanna breakup with Travis, but I'm definitely exhausted from having to wait for hours to see him. Having to see him only when its past 9PM.
His face is pale, and I can tell that breaking up is totally not what he wants. He doesn't look like a guy who's willing to let me go. But because I love him, and I love him beyond my anger, I decide to crawl on to bed with him. Without discussing further, he pulls me into his arms and we fall asleep.
...
Thursday: 12 November
It's his birthday tomorrow
My exboyfriend called, now I can't sleep cause I'm thinking about him. I even thought telling my boyfriend about it would make me feel better but dammit I feel worse. Travis asked what my heart tells me. "I don't know", I really don't know. I feel a whole lot of emotions. I'm still mad at my ex but I forgave him. That's more reason I'm able to answer his calls. During our conversation on the phone, he didnt sound different from the guy I broke up with. Maybe that's one of the things that upsets me. He doesn't feel bad about our breakup, that's more reason I don't think he'll ever want to get back with me. Duncan moved on the day he dumped me, and now that I think about it, I'm glad he did. Means he won't disturb me on my new relationship right? Plus my mum doesn't like him so, yeah.
On the phone Duncan asked me to buy him a gift. I want to. Just to show him that I'm still crazy about him. But at the same time something tells me that'll be another journey to a terrible heartbreak. I ended up promising to buy him lunch tomorrow. I don't know, I just wanna see him. I want him to tell me that he's made the biggest mistake of his life, and that he'll do anything to get me back. But, Duncan will never do that. He won't.
...
Saturday: 14 November
Just got home from work and a shower will do me good right now.
Before even catching a bus home, I passed by Travis's workplace to see him. Seeing him makes me happy, he just lightens my mood.
As I'm about to jump in a shower, Nolan calls. "Hi", he sounds a bit jumpy. Maybe its because he doesn't even sound like he's home from the moving cars on his background.
"Hey", I reply.
"What is this that we doing?",
Gosh, here we go again. I know how Nolan has feelings for me, and I have explained nicely and also harshly that I don't feel the way he does. But that I also don't wanna lose him as a friend.
"What are you talking about?", I ask. I know exactly what he's talking about. He's been talking about this since forever. Its basically the only thing he talks to me about.
"Nina, come on", he breathes. "Why do you always act like this?", I roll my eyes at his words. "This relationship that we have, us calling one another, buying each other things, you know exactly what I'm talking about",
"What's wrong now? Aren't you happy that we friends", I ask. He hates it when I call him friend.
"Stop. Don't you say that", he says then releases a long sigh. "We're not friends, and we'll never be friends. All I want is you as my girl and you know that",
"Okay", I roll my eyes for another round of 'I'm not your friend' episode. "But I thought you cool with the relationship we have. You know, the 'I'm not your friend, we not lovers' type of relationship", I add. I thought it'd be nice to have a different relationship with him. He reminds me of my old best friend Benjamin.
Benjamin and I met in church. That Sunday it was a full service and he happened to come in late and sit right next to me. We were seated at the back and luckily those infront of us were way taller than us. I wasn't looking to meet someone by that time since I had just broke up with my boyfriend Teo. It wasn't a bad breakup but it hurt everytime I thought of him. Benjamin and I exchanged numbers during the spiritual service and we became friends right away. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. We shared everything. He was the one guy I look up to for advices and he looked out for me like a friend would and even more like a brother. As we grew through our friendship we became closer than ever. I knew a lot of things about him. I knew he had feelings for me but never in one day did he ever admit it to me, which was fine. But I did one day thought how cool it'll be if he stopped being a pussy and man up to confess his dying love for me. But he didn't. I guess he didn't wanna change anything between us. Our relationship was special. We were friends who acted like lovers. I was proud to let everyone know that he's my best friend.
Then one day, first of December 2012, he confessed his love. He told me that he fell in love with me the day we met. He said each day he spent with me was pulling him deeper into falling for me. Luckily I was also feeling the same way by then. I had feelings for him too but his reputation just planted many doubts in me. Anyway, choosing to follow my heart I decided to date him. I really had feelings for him even though I knew we'd never work. I was already involved with someone else, plus I still had feelings for Teo even though he was stubborn as fuck. And hurting Benjamin was the last thing I wanted to do. He's a great person and the right girl would know that. Well, with no intentions of hurting him, I got back with Teo. He got hurt. He got so mad at me and I couldn't blame him for that. I made a dick move and made him look like a fool.
After a few weeks of hurting him I wanted to apologize. It was too late to fix things given the fact that he moved on. I've been through all kinds of shit in my teenage life and life sucked by that time.
Well, Benjamin did forgive me. We both knew that a life without each other would feel like hell, or that's just what we thought. After rekindling our friendship, he told me things would never be the same between us, and he was right. We weren't the same anymore, but he was there. Through all my relationships up until Duncan.
"Is that what you want? A different relationship?", Nolan asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Friendship is all I can give to you", I don't wanna be my old self, the girl who had many boyfriends. I've been through a lot in life and I've learnt a lot. "But since you don't want me as a friend, then whatever this is", I motion between me and him even though he's over the phone, "it'll do too",
I don't know why I keep up with this. I know exactly what Nolan wants but I still play cat and mouse with him.
"You're seeing someone ain't you?", he asks. I haven't told him about Travis. "And please don't lie to me",
"Yes I'm seeing someone", I hear him sigh. He sounds really disappointed, or maybe defeated.
"Really now?", he's mad and I can hear that since he isn't hiding it from the sound of his voice. "When you broke up with your guy, your ex, I asked if after you heal and all that, whether I'd be your first option-",
"And I didn't reply", he's pissing me off now.
"Oh yeah?", he huffs. "Now I need you to tell me why",
"Isnt it obvious?", I snap. I'm fuming up now. "Well, I didn't reply to that question and now I'm seeing someone. Gosh I believe you're not stupid", I'm pissed. I know I'm being rude but at this moment I can't control how I respond just to make it clear to him that I'm not intrested in him.
"You like me", he says softly with a chuckle to brush off his statement.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FEOM ME?", It wasn't necessarily to yell but I find myself yelling.
"Really? You asking me that cause you don't know?", he yells back at me. We both sigh then he says, "I want you to be my girlfriend", and that just irritates the heck out of me.
"I don't wanna be your girlfriend", I stratch each word just to be able to get it in his thick skull.
"Oh yeah? Then I can't be your friend too", doesn't really surprise me that he said that.
"Are you dumping me?", I ask.
"Fuck friendship. I can't settle for that. I'd be fucking lying to myself", he says. He's as pissed as I am.
"Now you're being a dickhead", I say. Its only to pissed him off beyond how he is right now. "Its not like you don't have a girl-friend", by girlfriend I mean his friend from work, Wendy.
"That's bullshit. What I feel for you is far from what I feel for Wendy. She's my friend and I don't look at her passed that",
"Same with me. I can't plook at you passed friendship", I reply.
"So what now? We need a solution for this whole thing", he says.
"And you want the solution from me?", I roll my eyes. Like seriously, which part of 'I don't wanna be your girlfriend' didn't he get?
"Yes", he replies and I just laugh. I don't know what drives him. What is it he sees in me. What is it he think will change my mind.
"I suggest you dump my ass", I joke. It's not a good job at this moment but what the hell does he want me to say.
"Its not like we dating so I can't dump you. But since you make it sound pretty easy, then you should dump me", he says.
"I can't", I shake my head.
"Why not?",
"As much as I can't make you my boyfriend, it doesn't change the fact that you mean something to me", I say.
"Fuck that Nina, that's bullshit", well, he's pissed again.
"Ouch", I breathe. "That really hurts, you being rude",
"And you saying I'm not boyfriend material isn't rude at all?",
"I tried being nice", I shrug my shoulders, even though he's over the phone and can't see me.
"Yeah, whatever", I know he's rolling his eyes. The fact that Nolan and I are arguing right now isn't a surprise at all.
"I'm very fragile you know. I get hurt easily", I'm being totally honest about that. How many times have I cried myself to sleep? Huh?
"Someone who's fragile acts nothing like you do. Plus, you'd never say you're fragile if you are", typical Nolan. Always thinks he knows everything about anything.
"Is that so?",
Acting like I love him pisses him off. I guess I'm just trying to have fun on other people's expense.
"Look, you know how I feel", oh, we back on it again.
"I'm open to be friends",
It gets to me sometimes. I do sit down and think about this whole thing on Nolans perspective. I wouldn't wanna be friends with me either if I was in love with me.
"I guess this is it, I can't be your girlfriend and you can't be my friend",
"Really?", he sounds surprised.
"I'm making things easier for you, I'm dumping me for you", I reply.
"Oh I see", he's probably nodding. "I guess this is it then", he agrees, and without me having to say anything further, the line cuts.
I've never fought over love with anyone who means nothing passed friendship before, not unless we really were in a relationship. So I don't really know how its affecting Nolan but I can feel its driving him crazy. Nolan has tried to ignore me most times but it gets really hard due to the fact that we work together. But now I feel like I need to make it my responsibility to keep a distance from him. I wish he gets over this pretty soon. I want him to find someone who'll love him the way he loves me. I also have my own love problems that I need to fix. I know what it feels like to love someone who doesn't love you. Sometimes I feel like I've bullshitted people more than I've been bullshitted.
We're all looking for the love that we can't have. But just when we think this might be it, you find out it's with the wrong person.