Saturday: 5 September
Dear diary.
Sometimes I do think about moving on too quickly. But only to get over and done with this longing and hoping that Duncan will come back.
He isn't coming back, not even my inner voice can convince me that he might. Like I just said after we broke up, "he's changed", and you know once we say that, means everything is damaged.
I still miss him though, everyday. But I feel like I've got control over me now, I don't go crazy or fight myself over calling him anymore. I might be working on moving on, but I know that I've accepted a lot from him and I hope that one day he does find his happy place. Too bad I wasn't it.
As for moving on, maybe too quickly isn't the best idea. I need to heal and to fully heal. He's the one who dumped me but I know he loves me, and him finding out that I have someone I'm seeing might add to his heartaches.
I have my earphone plugged in my ears, listening to all my love/sad songs.
Hard place by H.E.R, I think of my ex when listing to this one. I feel like I relate to how H.E.R says things weren't right after all and it's wrong timing. I guess Duncan and I were in love at the wrong time, that's why we broke up. Best part by Daniel Caesar and H.E.R, takes me straight to Travis. He's all I need right now, he should be all I think of. Can't be happy all the time by Tones and I, that's all me. It's a message to myself. There are times when a person doesn't get all they want or need at that certain moment and it okay to be sad about it, but the time to be happy will come. The list goes on.
...
I hear the sound of his car coming down the street as I rush around the house touching up my freshness after a hot bath. My phone rings before I even think of walking out.
"Hey", his voice bit hoarse but sweet to listen to.
"Hey", I reply.
"Would you like me to come over?", I roll my eyes at his question since I know he knows the answer to that. Plus he's already here.
"Why? Do you wanna come over?", I ask, playing along to whatever game he's playing. He laughs softly then says, "I'm outside", which instantly flickers the butterflies that hides within me.
"I'll be right out", I act cool, though I know I'm failing. He's got some way to trigger what I wanna keep hidden. It's all new with him. Before seeing him in this light, I used to hide my feelings very well. I didn't think I'd one day see him cute or whether his deep dimples were ever gonna turn me on.
As I approach his car, his passenger door opens. Well, he always does that, and by that I mean opens the door for me. As I settle on the seat, he slides down a little on his seat. He's wearing all balck, work dress code but it suits him very nicely. Black suits him way more than his mustard sweater he wore on the day our bodies first united.
Its quiet. Not even a sound from the car's radio.
"I told you I was gonna find you on Facebook", I smile at the satisfaction of doing something he said I wouldn't be able to do. Well, we earlier had a bet on whether I could find him on Facebook or not. Apparently I found the old Facebook, but who cares.
"So you're googling me now?", he smirks, his dimples digging deeper, making me bite my lips in response. Something I do whenever he turns me on.
"What's up with your radio today?", I ask, but only to keep him from smiling. He leans forward and turns on the radio. His USB stick is intacted so his favorite songs start playing. Theres one song he always makes me listen to, that one song that puts a smile on his face, Treat you better by Rúfús Du Sol. I've never heard it before but its quite catchy. As I smile at the chorus, I can't help but admire his eyes that watches my every move on how I react to the song. Makes me wonder, whether he's trying to tell me that he wants to treat me better. Though I can't help but be curious about whatever happened to his ex-girlfriend.
Anyway, gosh, he always knows how to turn my nights into good ones.
"Its a good song right?", he asks.
"Yeah, I guess so. Could be our song now",
"Could be?", he laughs.
"It is then", I join on the laugh.
Having a conversation with him is so relaxing and at the same time sparkles the little electricity we share. I do want him to treat me better. I do wanna feel his love but I can't help getting frightened by it all.
"How was work?", I ask. His face changes but still keeps a smile on.
"It was okay. But you know every workplace has those people who always wanna step on your toes", he says.
I nod. "That's true", we all have those people at work. As for me, I don't really like working anymore. I wanna change jobs so bad, I'm just emotionally drained by it plus the fact that Dancan and I met there.
"But I'm the kind of people who doesn't take my work problems everywhere", he adds.
"Yeah, but telling me about it doesn't necessarily mean you complaining you know",
"I know", he nods. He gently takes my hand in to his. "You look beautiful", he turns my hand around, staring at it as if he's examining it.
"You're not bad looking yourself", I reply.
"Why is that whenever I get close to you, you're always in rough paths with your boyfriend?",
"Well we not on rough paths now", I giggle. "We broke up", I laugh, like an actual laugh. "It's was more like a Its not you it's me type of beakup", I shrug my shoulders.
"You could fix things", he looks away.
"I don't think we will", he dumped me, and the way he did it doesn't show any signs of him coming back.
"Alright", he skips some songs on his radio then turns back at me.
"You have a child", I blunt out.
"Yeap I do", he shrugs his shoulders with a shy smile. He knows how I feel about all these baby mama drama and baby drama so yeah, him having a child isn't what I was hoping for.
"Man, you suck", I turn looking out the window. I can't hide my disappointment when it comes to that.
"The time I wanted to be with you, you were with someone",
"Didn't mean you should make a baby",
"It was a mistake", he says. "Condom broke-",
"Oh hell no", I shake my head cutting his words short. "Don't give me that story",
"I'm serious",
"I've been having sex for quite some time now and never had a condom break", I giggle. "Where do you guys get that, that thing is rubber, no dick is too big for it",
He laughs. "I'm just saying my kid wasn't planned",
"You should have used a condom", I shrug, frowning my lips. I don't believe he used it. No condom breaks.
We sit in the car for a while. Talking about something other than a child or breaking condoms.
"I'll treat you better", he says after playing the Rufus's song for the fifth time.
He's my Rufus Du Sol, I smile. Should I let him treat me better?
...
Tuesday: 8 September
"I want it all", that's what I'm telling him. He's laid on my bed facing up. It's his day off and we just had sex, on my bed.
"I want all the butterflies, sparks, flowers, lunch, takaways, outings, money, love, sex, arguements, breakups, makeup, more sex, more food, more takeaways, I want it all", my heart is beating so fast since I'm realizing that's exactly what I want. I want it so bad. I want it now.
"All the romance, the fantasies, all", he's staring at me without saying anything. I can see from the look on his face that he isn't judging me. Duncan would have said something hurtful about all this by now. He's just the dude who thinks all I just said isn't real.
"I'm not willing to settle for anything less than what I want", he nods. "I've been settling and look where it has put me", I know it isn't his fault. But somehow I feel like its every guy's fault.
I'm heartbroken and I feel lonely most times even when Travis is besides me. I don't even feel like my happiness is nearby. Even the all that I want, doesn't sound like anything that'll make me happy. Everytime I sit on my bed thinking, I can feel myself fading. I don't wanna lose myself. And yeah, with Travis, something is missing. I don't feel like I'm moved on with him. He doesn't help on trying to forget about my ex. All the emotions and butterflies feel like they're disappearing now. All I want now is my ex, back in my life. I want him all with his flaws, that's who he is.
I know it isn't fair and its definitely messing up my I want it all plan. It's just that with Duncan I had it all. Or is this me comparing now?
When Duncan and I started dating, he gave me everything I wanted. Then fuck! I messed it up by cheating with a cute chubby guy who had more money than he has, and damn, his accent made me melt whenever he spoke.
Funny thing is, whwnever I feel like calling Duncan, I call Travis. I made a promise to myself that I'm not using him as a distraction, but what the hell should I do whenever my ex creeps into my mind. I still question myself on why we broke up. Its fucken sucks since I thought he's my forever.
I'm so confused, I'm stressed. I've been dumped, I'm broke as fuck and work is shit. I feel so tired of having to go through this again in my life, the feeling like shit situation.
What should I do? Where do I go? Where should I start?
"You're okay?", Travis snaps me out of my thoughts. I smile to hide all I've been thinking.
"I do wanna give you all that, all that you want", he says. "But right now I've got a lot of things that I'm busy with",
"Yeap. You're fixing your gran's house, you have a son to take care of, your family that needs groceries every month, I get it", I reply. "But why approach me with all that?",
"I wanna be with you that's why",
"You know I'm like an expense", that's what Duncan used to tell me. He used to say that I'm like an account that he'll never end up paying it up. And that I'm expensive but will make sure to take care of me. He meant it as a compliment. It was his way of being sweet and romantic.
This breakup with Duncan just drained me, and the fact that he calls and tells me that he still loves me isn't helping. How could you love somebody you don't wanna be with?
I want all my happiness and I want it now.
Travis needs to work on his game. He needs to pull up his socks if he wants this relationship between us to work. I don't wanna settle for less, I actually don't wanna settle for less than what I used to have with Duncan.
"You're like an expense?", he asks, clearly confused.
"Yeah", I nod. "Like an account that needs to be paid monthly",
What I'm saying sounds completely wrong right now but Travis says nothing that'll make me feel bad.
"I see",
"You know what?", I stare at him for a while. He looks cute with his bare chest out. "Do your thing, besides you're on probation",
"How am I doing?", he asks.
"Gosh you're terrible", I laugh, making him laugh too. "You're failing, I should cut you loose but I see potential",
"I'm trying", he says.
"You're broke",
He looks away then back at me, flashing me a smile. "I know, but I'm working on fixing that",
"You know what I'll do?", I ask.
"What",
"I'll let you slide on my girlfriend allowance for now. I'm giving you this 2 months then after we'll have to talk about my allowance",
He nods in agreement. "Alright, I'll work with that",