Tuesday: 22 September
Gosh my room looks like a mess and man I hate it when it looks like this. My clothes are all over the place, some clean some dirty.
13:48 P.M., I start to tired up my room. I've gotta keep it clean. As I put every little thing where it belongs and sweap under the bed, I come out with letters, heart break letters that I wrote to my ex's. It was after watching the movie called To All The Boys I've Loved Before that actually gave me some inspiration of writing my own letters.
The one I'm holding right now is one I wrote to Sidney.
Dear Sidney.
When I met you I was hooked up on the idea of True love existing. Those fantasies of it occupied my mind day-in and day-out. It made the idea of soulmates more clearer and real to me.
Thinking about you reminds me of the day we first met. That day is stuck in my head so much that whenever I share a good moment of my life with my friends, I actually retell our first day meeting story.
I got lost in your face. Your handsome dark face with a smile that captures every girl's heart in 2 seconds. You were standing inches from me and you looked so damn gorgeous. I felt like I was in one of those movies, "romantic movies" that I always watch. From then I got obsessed with romantic movies, romantic poems, books. I fell for everything that screamed ROMANCE. Crazy enough, I even expected you to be a romantic guy. But you never did, which is highly reasonable. You then later got fed up with my romantic bullshit, in such a way that it became part of our arguements, arguements that still haunts me even today. You'd swear it happened yesterday if you were inside my head. "You're so in love with the love that surely doesn't exist", and that, what you said really crushed me. It was a stab right through my heart, and I know you had no idea what this "love fantasy" means to me. And hearing you say that planted a lot of questions on whether our relationship is real. That's when I opened up a room of disappointments for you. I knew you'd hurt me and I was ready for it.
I slowly drifted emotionally apart from you. Even the "I love you's" that came out of your mouth started to sound forced.
I hate to admit it but I'm still mad at you. I feel like I need some type of closure from you, maybe yelling and screaming all my anger at you will do me good. You crushed my fantasies, you destroyed my ideas about love. I cant picture love the way I thought it looks anymore. You broke my world and I cant seem to put it back together, just by saying "it does not exist". I remember our last date, which ended up horribly. That day I wanted to know your thoughts about what love means to you. Well, I shouldn't have. The whole conversation twisted roughly and I ended up asking if I'm the only girl you're seeing. And fro fucks' sake I thought I was. But if I didnt go as far as asking that, I would have never found out that I'm actually a side chick. After you saying that you have a girlfriend you agreed on an open relationship with, I just couldn't take it anymore. The pieces of my "True love fantasies" dropped from the tip of my fingers and that's when I walked. I walked away from you while you watched. I didn't dare drop a single tear as I walked, even thought my eyes burned for me to drop those tears. I was so angry.
As much as I wanted you to run after me, and atleast be romantic as to apologize infront of everybody around us, I'm glad you didn't. But thanks for calling after, apologizing over the phone even though I didn't quite feel the sincerity out of it but, at the same time I feel I actually pushed you away. I couldn't put together the heart that you broke.
But anyway, I'm thankful for making me realise that my world of love isn't real, and that it could never be real. That the kind of romance I crave for, is only in books and movies. It's actually other people's ideas of how love could be. By smashing my fantasies and breaking my heart, you made me see things differently. True love might not exist but it does to me, though everytime I hit bottom in love, your mockery face pops up and rubs the whole love don't exists thing. That most of you guys are cool with being assholes and keeping up with making sure that love is unreal. But above it all, thank you for being the best ex-boyfriend ever.
We still text, we talk, but the letter has reminded me at all times that he isn't the guy for me. That fixing things with him will never ever work. We'll never be on the same page, or see things eye to eye, but that's okay. I'm okay with being friends with him. And I'll be alright if he decides to be nothing with me.
These past few days we don't text as much as we used to. I don't seem to have anything to say to him anymore, and I guess he doesn't either. Our breakup doesn't hurt me anymore when I think about it. I guess actually getting to talk to him and see how much we've both changed, played a huge part on healing me. We have bigger problems to deal with now, I feel like what we felt for one another is child's play. He's got the cutest son to take care of now. I have my unromantic life that I'm facing, along with my shitty job and asshole ex-boyfriend. I should hate my life at this point but I don't. I need to make it better. I need to suck it all up and do things better.
15:14 P.M.
I grab letter no. 2. And boy oh boy, it's to the ex I wish not to remember. I hold it in the middle, my whole body asking me to destroy it. But since I do wanna read it first, I open it.
Fuck it. Dear Siah.
Dammit! The sound of his name from my inner voice sucks the energy out of me. I hate this feeling I'm about to put myself through. I don't wish to think or remember this guy.
I'm only writing this letter to get things off my chest. What we had between us, nomatter how beautiful it was or felt, is the biggest mistake of my entire life. You're actually the guy that helped me destroy that one person that could have been my forever. I had everything a girl could ever ask for. I had the love I dreamt of before I could realise it. So thanks to you, I completely fucked it up.
Don't get me wrong, I don't wish to blame you. It's just that whenever I think about all this I can't help but beat myself up. You didn't force me to destroy him, I did it out of my own stupidity.
That guy loved me with all of his being and I was an idiot who took advantage of it. When you introduced me to the life I never thought could cross my path, I saw it as an opportunity to be the girl I've never been. You showed me that money can buy anything in this world and I loved that. At that moment i felt like i was in a relationship with another species, but sadly you're human as much as I am.
I don't hate you, I hate myself for being easily seduced by you.
So thank you for making me feel that I am capable of becoming a slut, a fucking golddigger. Thank you for making me realise that it takes a second to destroy what you've built your entire life. Thank you for making me so stupid and so foolish in falling for all the things my boyfriend said would be my downfall. I walked down that path willingly. But after all this, I woke up. I became a woman that respect herself, even though I lost everything from the guy I loved deeply. You gave me strength to pick up all my boyfriend's broken heart pieces and trying to mend them together. I now appreciate my boyfriend and I accept him for who he is and not what he could give me. I'd never try to compare him over anyone.
Oh, and I don't like mentioning you as my ex cause you're the biggest mistake I've ever made. You're one of the people I wish to unmeet. I hate myself for talking to you that day, for letting your sweet handsome face to charm me and your accent to smooth me into a relationship with you.
I feel like shit for reading it. It has ruined my mood for the day. Fuck it.
That's when I decide to write Duncan a letter as well, now that he's my ex.
Actually, being dumped by him is something that should have happened a long time ago, I should have dumped him. He truly does deserve way better than me. What I did to him is something unforgivable and unforgettable.
Having to be with Siah at that time, showed that I chose money over his love. But because he was so in love with me, he kept coming back to prove that what Siah has for me is nothing. That's when I woke up but it was too late. I tried fixing Duncan and me, I truly did. What hurts a lot is that now I'm the one who's truly inlove with him and I cant even stop. I'm screwed cause I fucked him up then fell deeply inlove with him.
After ripping Siah's letter apart, I get off bed and head to the living room.
...
I still can't get over the letters I read earlier.
Just after writing a thank you letter to Duncan, I feel some strong need to call him. My mind instantly draws to him. All our memories comes flashing back to me. I grab my phone and start punching numbers.
22:41 P.M
"Hello", his soft sleepy voice fills my phone's speaker. I called Travis instead of Duncan. I feel like if I call Duncan I won't actually get over him and what I'm trying to start with Travis will be all for nothing. I can't waste any of my time anymore.
"Are you awake?",
I don't know why I would even ask that. Obviously he's awake now that I've woke him up.
"I am now", he says but his voice gives him away, he's still in sleeping mode.
"I can't sleep", I whisper.
"What's wrong?", he asks.
"I don't know",
"Em, well, what can I do to make you sleep?",
I'd like for him to be awake with me but that won't be fair. He's tired and needs his sleep. He's got work tomorrow just like I do. So I'll let him sleep.
"Its okay. Now that I've heard your voice I'll be able to sleep", I reply.
"Mmmh, alright. I love you", he says.
"I love you too",
OH FUCK, I said it. I don't know if he heard me but he hanged up after I said it. Means he did. I hope he doesn't remember in the morning, I don't want him knowing how badly I've got it for him. Most guys I've dated take advantage of me when they see that I'm actually in love with them. My whole idea was to act like we only dating and that I don't have any deep feelings for him.
I guess I'll have to find out in the morning if he heard me or not.